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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was the punishment not severe enough

64 replies

countesskay · 16/12/2021 10:22

My daughter was suspended from school last week along with their friend for attacking another child. (3 days) I was in utter shock about this and explained so when I got to the school.

My DD wouldn't talk during the meeting, but afterwards explained that the boy was a friend and her part in this was 'flooring him' swiping him.off his feet, her other friend then jumped on his back.

This stupidly happened because my DD and the other child involved took things too far after a Santa hat was swiped from the head of the other friend by the victim.

My daughter 11 had the following punishment.

A whole day/evening in their room, no electronics, phones etc.

A cancelled weekend trip to grandma's where their brother went alone. She stayed in the house with me.

No phone during the whole suspension.

No internet access at all, apart from school work.

No consoles during school hours, but had access Saturday and Sunday

We had the reintegration meeting today and the teacher openly said ' we wouldn't expect any gaming devices at all during the time'

I wish they'd have discussed these ideas before the exclusion. They were excluded Friday so with the weekend that's 5 days.

The messages seemed mixed in the meeting in front of my DD, the attack was vicious and malicious, however it is likely the other child will want to be friends with DD again and they can organise a restoration chat?

I feel annoyed tbh, this is the first time we've ever experienced this and I tried to read as much advice online as I could.

DD was spoken to calmly about the cause and effect, especially the dangers of hurting someone whether it's playful or not. We also gave them ample reflection time alone as well as losing the privilege of seeing their grandma and speaking to their friends for a week or have their phone
We got them to do school work during school hours despite being set one piece a, day by the school.

Advice online seems to be to discuss, give a consequence and try to move on

But now I just feel like a shit mother.

(she has low level behavior issues anyway, bottles feelings, feels overwhelmed with school and doesn't enjoy it, gravitates towards the 'silly' kids and joins in, play fight, late to lessons )

Was I too Lenient? I'm a over thinker and struggling with this at the moment.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 16/12/2021 10:28

Sounds fine to me.

Keep talking about consequences of actions generally.

RoastedParnsip · 16/12/2021 10:29

Depends is your daughter remorseful for what she did to that child?

cansu · 16/12/2021 10:29

I don't think you were too lenient and I am a teacher. You were supportive of school and kept her inside and removed her phone. That is fine.

JudgeRindersMinder · 16/12/2021 10:33

I think you got it just right…and it was very easy for the teacher to mention their “expectations” after the event. Hopefully your dd has learned from the experience and it won’t happen again

UndertheCedartree · 16/12/2021 10:34

It is not up to the teacher how you choose to deal with your DD at home.

Original poster

countesskay · 16/12/2021 10:40

@RoastedParnsip I believe she is, she's not a hugely emotional child, but she was shocked that he was hurt, and appeared upset they he may not want to be friends anymore (she's had no ability to contact him, I didn't want to jeopardise the reintegration)

I think the teacher wanted to see more remorse, but she just Internalises upset rather than burst into tears or anything

OP posts:

ChangeChingyChange · 16/12/2021 10:42

God what a vicious thing to do. And yet she still had access to consoles during the weekend. Sorry YABU if my child did this I'd come down on her like a ton of bricks - make a lasting impression. I genuinely would have had her in her room with no tech aside from meals during that time. I would have had her write a letter of apology and I would have contacted the parents of the boy for her to apologise. I think you're being extremely lenient. She'll know next time she can basically get away with it and will it make her think twice? Probably not.

ChangeChingyChange · 16/12/2021 10:43

*no tech and leaving only for meals I mean

yumyumwinegimmie · 16/12/2021 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ditalini · 16/12/2021 10:47

IMO, there's only so much punishment that a child can take before they start to feel sorry for themselves and it becomes counterproductive.

It feels to me like you got the balance about right and it doesn't read like you were giving her the message that it was no big deal. At age 11 I think punishment carried out over 3 days is about the most they're going to manage to cope with before it moves into "so unfair" territory (whether right or wrong, that's just the way we're built).

Toplowlight · 16/12/2021 10:55

I think you got it about right. The most important part of this isn’t really the punishment - it’s the discussion to make her understand why what she did was wrong, and how bad the consequences for the other child could be. Piling on excessive punishment wouldn’t actually teach her any empathy and would honestly be just as likely to make her feel like a hard done by victim. I think you struck the right balance between ensuring there are consequences for the behaviour, and having the discussion to make her understand the other child’s perspective.

Countless studies have shown that punishment isn’t an effective motivator of good behaviour in children, so don’t take too much to heart posters saying they would have come down on their kids like a ton of bricks. That’s their decision and their right, but it’s not a more effective strategy.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2021 10:59

I think you got it right apart from not visiting her gran, as that feels like her gran's being punished too, unless she'll be seeing her again before Xmas?

however it is likely the other child will want to be friends with DD again and they can organise a restoration chat?

If I were the victims mum, I would not be happy about that at all.

HibiscusIsland · 16/12/2021 11:03

Sounds ok

Beamur · 16/12/2021 11:11

The punishment is done and I think what you did was fine.
It's the next stage that matters now.
It was a stupid, heat of the moment thing which went too far. The lad involved might think a bit harder next time though about how far he provokes his friends in a joke.
The fact that she was worried about him, whether he was hurt and if they would still be friends does show she's twigged there are consequences.
Draw a line. Say you hope this is the last time you have to do this and give her your confidence that she won't do this again.

Mustreadabook · 16/12/2021 11:15

So the teacher thinks 3 days without tech is right if the child was suspended on a Monday but 5 days without tech if they were suspended on a Friday? That doesn't sound fair. To be honest this doesn't sound like a malicious attack to me it sounds like silly horseplay with no thought for the consequences

Original poster

countesskay · 16/12/2021 11:19

@WorraLiberty
It was the past weekend, but yeah she's local.

I'm not sure about the chat, DDs been told not to approach or message the boy unless he approaches/texts her. She's had no phone since Friday, so no idea if he has.

I have told DD of course that she needs to accept that he might not want to talk with her or other kids might have been advised not to talk to hurt by their parents.

Sadly her cycle is, get overwhelmed/angry, been verbally loud/upset, other children are wary, she had limited friends.

Then her self full filling prophecy that she can't make friends..

She's had similar difficulties from age 4 it's been a tough road

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2021 11:20

It was a stupid, heat of the moment thing which went too far. The lad involved might think a bit harder next time though about how far he provokes his friends in a joke.

Proper victim blaming there.

It was 2 onto 1, he was swiped to the floor and had someone jump on his back, which could've broken it FFS.

Snoken · 16/12/2021 11:29

I'm not big on punishment as I don't think it works most of the time. Especially if the punishment is really harsh. It just causes a wedge between parent and the child and the child has no reason not to disappoint their parent again as they will look at them as the feared enemy. I think you got it just right, and I think focussing on talking rather than punishing is the right way forward now. Let your DD redeem herself and show you that she is not who she was for those few seconds when she did what she did.

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2021 11:32

@countesskay is your DD doing activities outside of school which allow her to blow off steam (eg sport) and which also give her a different friendship group outside of school?

IME taking the pressure off school friendships does help to mean they are less intense. Hobbies/interests/sports outside of school help DCs to make friends as they already share a joint activity.

Perhaps a useful 'punishment' would be to find an outside interest which she has to stick at.

Mamamia7962 · 16/12/2021 11:46

I think you got the punishment right. "Flooring someone" sounds like the type of thing that would be put on Tik Tok.

Blackberrybunnet · 16/12/2021 11:48

Punishment has been completed. Now all should move on.

Ringsender2 · 16/12/2021 11:51

[quote countesskay]@WorraLiberty
It was the past weekend, but yeah she's local.

I'm not sure about the chat, DDs been told not to approach or message the boy unless he approaches/texts her. She's had no phone since Friday, so no idea if he has.

I have told DD of course that she needs to accept that he might not want to talk with her or other kids might have been advised not to talk to hurt by their parents.

Sadly her cycle is, get overwhelmed/angry, been verbally loud/upset, other children are wary, she had limited friends.

Then her self full filling prophecy that she can't make friends..

She's had similar difficulties from age 4 it's been a tough road[/quote]
I agree with the majority of other PPs that you seem to have hit the right level.

One OP suggested she write a letter to the victim. I think that's a good idea. It can be handed to the school to pass onto the boy.

re. your post which I've quoted. Have you had your DD assessed for any SENs? It sounds a little like she might have ADHD or other condition with poor impulse control. A diagnosis won't fix things, but techniques to manage will, over time, help.

You sound like a lovely mum, and I bet your DD is lovely but is struggling. Good luck.

FreedomFaith · 16/12/2021 12:00

I wouldnt have let her play games on Saturday or Sunday either to be honest, but think you got everything else right.

As you've had problems in the past, I think getting her to write a letter apologising to the child would be a good idea too. And definitely speak to your gp about her. She needs specialist help. Not sure it's adhd or autism you have to worry about though to be honest. Child psychologist is what is needed.

Original poster

countesskay · 16/12/2021 12:11

@Ringsender2 @FreedomFaith
@WorraLiberty
Yes she wrote an apology note I left it unsealed so the teacher can read it first.

We've always gotten her to write apology notes.

She's had psych Ed involvement, basically she becomes overwhelmed and needs time to process. School are aware of this and things are in place, although they have just started year 7 in a huge school so it's been a challenge.

OP posts:

PheasantsNest · 16/12/2021 12:17

Far too soft letting her have her electronics at the weekend. I would have wiped the floor with her if it was my DD. You don't sound overly bothered.

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