12 year keeps getting in trouble at school and home - am I being too HARSH or not HARSH enough?

[MNF2021]

My daughter is 12 and is constantly getting in trouble at school. It’s so stressful as nearly every few days within a week I am getting called from the school about her behaviour towards teachers, other students and nothing seems to deter her.
She has been placed on a report at school were she has to get it signed after every lesson about her behaviour and tends to end up in isolation (time away from the class for the whole day on a day to day basis). When asked why she thinks it’s acceptable to do these things, she simply responds with “that’s just the way I am or people are so annoying”
So your probably thinking, what have I done at home?
She is an only child and I have tried speaking and reasoning with her to be greeted with nothing but teen backchat and attitude. Her gadgets have been confiscated until Christmas Day, no friends over, no Christmas disco etc - all been taken away and her response is she doesn’t care!
Does anyone have any parenting advise/tips on consequences and how to make her realise that her actions will eventually get her into big trouble!! Help!
I realise I may have over indulged her being my only child and I think I am now paying the price!

I don't think you should stop her from socialising in person. If she socialises in person well with her friends out of school and her behaviour is good whilst doing that then that is something to encourage. You don't want her to be totally alienated from the world.

@Brusca

Why are you punishing her when she's already being punished at school?

Your role needs to be getting to the bottom of what's going on that's causing her to behave like this. That might mean seeking professional help if you can't work it out together.

And this is why children are so lawless and without any care for discipline anymore. Of course she should also be punished at home. Why do people always want to label children with a condition these days when some kids are just badly behaved and need to be disciplined and do need punishment til they realise what they're doing Is wrong and does have consequences.

So yes. But also no. .that article clearly hates kids
The article discusses the question of over diagnosis of ADHD. I don't see where you get the impression that the author of it 'clearly hates kids.'

@Harriet1216

So yes. But also no. .that article clearly hates kids The article discusses the question of over diagnosis of ADHD. I don't see where you get the impression that the author of it 'clearly hates kids.'

It doesn't even believe it exists The article is a very poorly written scandal based media outrage stereotype of previous misinformed thoughts on adhd. Everything in that article can be disproved with peer reviewed studies.

In essence it's horse shit.

Try a wobble cushion, fiddle toys, diary's, and if possible some counselling. Her school should have a school counsellor.

My daughter has similar issues although is younger and she isn't in mainstream.

And this is why children are so lawless and without any care for discipline anymore. Of course she should also be punished at home. Why do people always want to label children with a condition these days when some kids are just badly behaved and need to be disciplined and do need punishment til they realise what they're doing Is wrong and does have consequences.

Happy, healthy , well adjusted children don't regularly misbehave. The consequences (even if just at school) are simply not worth it. Add in disappointment, upset,punishment at home etc too and it's nipped in the bud pretty sharply, if it ever even starts.

It's obviously not working for OP's daughter. That's not because punishments aren't strict enough, but because she can't or won't (because she has certain needs that are unmet) . Her behaviour is a symptom not the cause and until that cause is identified and worked on it will all be rather pointless and further damaging relationships.

It sounds like she is playing up as a signal she is in pain and needs your attention. Hate to say it but is abuse a possibility? Xxx

@MNF2021
Is dad around on the scene?
What is home life like?
Is she otherwise happy when not at school?
Hobbies/interests/clubs?

It could be ADHD/ASD. It could be other things that have happened over her childhood (for example, trauma). I would certainly be looking to have a chat with school on how to move forward positively, what support they can give you both, so she can get out of this negative cycle she is in, whatever the cause is.

[quote Harriet1216]This makes interesting reading.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/not-ill-just-naughty[/quote]
If by "interesting" you mean an absolute pile of horse shit, yes very interesting.

Of course she should also be punished at home.

Why?

If you has a disciplinary for performance at your job, would you want to be punished at home for that?

No one should be punished twice for the same thing.

Different if she's done something at home of course (although I'm not a big one for random unconnected punishments).

She's at a very vulnerable age and the OP needs to foster a good connection with her.

ok I would ask for a meeting after the holidays.
Ask for a new approach, it is obvious that she is struggling both with behaviour and work.
She needs support and a plan.
so things like - time out card for when she feels overwhelmed

support/friendship groups
access to someone from student services when she needs to talk
etc.