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AIBU?

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Original poster

12 year keeps getting in trouble at school and home - am I being too HARSH or not HARSH enough?

86 replies

MNF2021 · 15/12/2021 21:31

My daughter is 12 and is constantly getting in trouble at school. It’s so stressful as nearly every few days within a week I am getting called from the school about her behaviour towards teachers, other students and nothing seems to deter her.
She has been placed on a report at school were she has to get it signed after every lesson about her behaviour and tends to end up in isolation (time away from the class for the whole day on a day to day basis). When asked why she thinks it’s acceptable to do these things, she simply responds with “that’s just the way I am or people are so annoying”
So your probably thinking, what have I done at home?
She is an only child and I have tried speaking and reasoning with her to be greeted with nothing but teen backchat and attitude. Her gadgets have been confiscated until Christmas Day, no friends over, no Christmas disco etc - all been taken away and her response is she doesn’t care!
Does anyone have any parenting advise/tips on consequences and how to make her realise that her actions will eventually get her into big trouble!! Help!
I realise I may have over indulged her being my only child and I think I am now paying the price!

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 16/12/2021 17:24

I would definitely seek an ed psych assessment. You can speak to the senco at school, but also ask your gp for a referral to camhs. Waiting lists are ridiculous in some areas, so could you pay for an assessment privately? What about accessing therapy? Either as a safe place for her to process, or where they facilitate the two of you talking. Both have been beneficial to my son. Also, are the behaviours linked to her cycle? Worse on certain weeks of the month. Hormones are going mad at her age. I’d also carve out time, at least weekly, for the two of you to just hang out and do something she enjoys. Watch a movie. Go out for hot chocolate. Whatever. A phrase I read that stuck with me was “connection not correction”. Good luck! Flowers

Thefrenchconnection1 · 16/12/2021 18:27

I agree with foldinthecheese. She might just grow out of it. My dd is now 14 and coming out of this although she's no angel. I've taken the approach of talk to me, try to listen as much as possible and react proportionately. So I have hard rules for abuse or violence but don't punish the lates, the odd truancy etc. I think it's working

MNSEN · 16/12/2021 18:37

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I would definitely seek an ed psych assessment. You can speak to the senco at school, but also ask your gp for a referral to camhs. Waiting lists are ridiculous in some areas, so could you pay for an assessment privately? What about accessing therapy? Either as a safe place for her to process, or where they facilitate the two of you talking. Both have been beneficial to my son. Also, are the behaviours linked to her cycle? Worse on certain weeks of the month. Hormones are going mad at her age. I’d also carve out time, at least weekly, for the two of you to just hang out and do something she enjoys. Watch a movie. Go out for hot chocolate. Whatever. A phrase I read that stuck with me was “connection not correction”. Good luck! Flowers
I agree but it's connection THEN correction. Not no correction at all. But making sure you're connected and then discussing what went wrong and what the sanctions might be.
Harriet1216 · 16/12/2021 18:53

This makes interesting reading.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/not-ill-just-naughty

Frazzled50yrold · 16/12/2021 19:05

It sounds so difficult for you but it must be awful for your daughter to be locked in this cycle of never pleasing anyone.She desperately needs to have a safe haven at home and I think your punishments are pretty harsh.

OldWivesTale · 16/12/2021 19:12

Sounds like adhd or asd?

lillylemons · 16/12/2021 19:17

Sound very much like my 14 year old who is diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. She was alway in isolation at school and she also used to say that it's not her fault people annoy her.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/12/2021 19:19

@MNF2021

She is fine with regards to friends. Historically she has changed friendship groups quite a bit but I put that down to primary age? She has mostly girls but there are a few boys. But what’s sad is she thinks she will gain more friends by being the class clown and with her behaviour she thinks that fact that she bad at school - she may aswell stay that way as she can’t revert back in their eyes.
That last sentence was me. When I didn’t misbehave I was socially excluded, misbehaving brought me “friends”. I had low esteem and was suffering from depression. Exclusion would have been bliss compared with navigating the social interactions of the classroom. Unfortunately this was the 60s and there were no unhappy children in those days, only naughty ones. The effects have lasted all my life, affected my results,affected how much contribution I was able to make to society.
Sunnyjac · 16/12/2021 19:28

Harriet1216

Right back at ya

www.healthline.com/health/adhd/history

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 16/12/2021 19:43

What’s she doing to get in trouble? Not following instructions?

Have the school got a pastoral plan for her? For our more vulnerable children we have plans which are sent monthly to teachers to remind them of: their strengths, their likes, what they struggle with and best ways to support them.

Thatldo · 16/12/2021 19:52

It sounds like your daughter communicates via her actions.she needs help with communication and this takes time and patience.or you can choose the shortcut and put her on medication.

Naimee87 · 16/12/2021 19:59

I'm not sure i have advice although i should as my DS also 12 is going through the very same thing. Same behaviour as well. The teacher is completely incompetent and has never found a way of motivating my DS and keeping him in check. I've done the same as you with taking away his phone/ps4/bmx etc. But still get daily texts/calls from the school. Even on weekends... AND now the school have involved so many external 'organisations' here and the situations escalating out of control. We've always seen a family therapist and now found a really nice child-psychologist who my DS has clicked with. So i guess my advice would be try to understand if the teacher/current school she is at is a good environment for her. We've lost so much time focusing on my DS and his behaviour that his school work has suffered massively. I wish i'd made a change last year. Having spoken to both the therapist and psychologist they didn't agree with punishing at home for whats been happening at school. But this is up to the parents... i really have no issues with DS at home at all. He's great! Our next big school meeting is tomorrow and i've no clue how it'll go.! Good Luck!

Harriet1216 · 16/12/2021 20:00

[quote Sunnyjac]Harriet1216

Right back at ya

www.healthline.com/health/adhd/history[/quote]
It depends on your point of view. There are studies from both sides.

Hamjamwich · 16/12/2021 20:05

Just today my DS got in trouble for saying "just leave me alone". He is clearly expressing that he wasn't coping but was punished as it was seen as rudeness

Harriet1216 · 16/12/2021 20:06

@Hamjamwich

Just today my DS got in trouble for saying "just leave me alone". He is clearly expressing that he wasn't coping but was punished as it was seen as rudeness
But that is rudeness.
Throughabushbackwards · 16/12/2021 20:09

[quote Harriet1216]This makes interesting reading.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/not-ill-just-naughty[/quote]
That is a very old article (it had no date but mentions Gordon Brown as Prime Minister!).

Harriet1216 · 16/12/2021 20:13

:09Throughabushbackwards

Harriet1216

This makes interesting reading.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/not-ill-just-naughty

That is a very old article (it had no date but mentions Gordon Brown as Prime Minister!

So, it was seem that ADHD was controversial even back then, when far fewer children were being diagnosed.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 16/12/2021 20:16

@Hamjamwich

The kids I work with I give them laminated cards which say… “Please can I have some time to calm down” which they hand to the teacher if feeling stressed/angry/frustrated and don’t want to talk

talesoftheunexploded · 16/12/2021 20:44

I was just like this. I have ADHD.

OopsadayZ · 16/12/2021 20:52

@Brusca

Why are you punishing her when she's already being punished at school?

Your role needs to be getting to the bottom of what's going on that's causing her to behave like this. That might mean seeking professional help if you can't work it out together.

This ^

I think it unfair if she's in isolation all day that she can't have friends over OR have her mobile phone to connect with friends.

I can only imagine how tough it is having a child who is blatantly ignoring the school rules. But I agree with the PP instead of handing out more punishments, you should try to get to the root cause.

*Is she unhappy at school (socially? Friendships?Bullying? Struggling academically?)
*Is she undiagnosed for something? (ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, dyslexia)
*Is she in more serious trouble and she can't express this other that by acting out? (Drugs, blackmail, drinking, smoking, sex?)
*is everything alright at home? Dad in the scene?

Sunnyjac · 16/12/2021 21:42

Harriet1216
It depends on your point of view. There
are studies from both sides.

I have three kids, all raised the same. Only one has the problems being discussed here. Are you telling me that I should just write off the one as naughty? I find it difficult to imagine that the people who have done studies doubting ADHD have actually lived with it. I can see she’s different, I have the comparison of the other two

Sunnyjac · 16/12/2021 21:45

Harriet1216
So, it was seem that ADHD was
controversial even back then, when
far fewer children were being diagnosed.

Like there was far less child abuse and domestic violence? Hmm

DrCoconut · 16/12/2021 22:16

@Tired1234567890 the 30% thing is interesting. DS is 23 and I've previously tried to explain to people who don't get it that he's about like a year 10 kid developmentally.

Tired1234567890 · 17/12/2021 11:48

[quote DrCoconut]@Tired1234567890 the 30% thing is interesting. DS is 23 and I've previously tried to explain to people who don't get it that he's about like a year 10 kid developmentally.[/quote]
Yeah like when they learn to drive it's like giving the keys to an 11 year old..
You just wouldn't.

They're more likely to have comorbidities like depression and anxiety but if your child has adhd and you're not medicating them then it's like having uncontrolled diabetes.
Meds Bridge some of that 30% gap.

Tired1234567890 · 17/12/2021 12:00

[quote Harriet1216]This makes interesting reading.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/not-ill-just-naughty[/quote]
It does make interesting reading. It's very provocative but actually it's right.. kind of.

Adhd needs short sharp instant consequences and less talking about feelings and putting the child as the centre of the panicked parents universe.
Which just so happens to be a very French based way of bringing up kids generally speaking.
So it's not that all uk kids are whiny and out of control naughty types, it's that we are all about CBT and talking Therapies over here, and where that might work for much older teens, it certainly has no evidence based positive outcomes with kids with adhd.

So yes. But also no. .that article clearly hates kids.