Do you think ‘near’ abusive parents watch the news, and think of changing their behaviour?

[EddyF]

I couldn’t think of a title of what I am trying to really ask. I guess I would be interested to know/discuss if parents who are on the slippery slope of parenting (I.e, not downright evil) but not practicing good enough parenting; do you think they get touched by stories they see on the news regarding children being abused/murdered? I guess neglectful parents.

I can’t think of anyone not affected by these stories, and I wonder if these stories can be the catalyst for change in some people’s parenting.

I also think that those who are in the frontline of protecting children, they’re also expected to manage the chaotic nature of the caregivers, thus making it difficult to solely concentrate on the child’s needs. I know someone who states they often have to deal with crying/or angry parents, and the needs of the child has to be explicitly brought back to the forefront, but this takes skills and awareness in that moment.

I guess my question is: do you think parents who are not nurturing their children in a correct way, can they have a lightbulb moment when such tragedies occur and want to do better?

You know, I had this exact same thought.
And then the terrible thought afterwards that I believe abusers don’t even realise they are abusive most of the time. They truly believe their behaviour is justified.

I doubt it

Sadly I don't

From experience, they're often the first to witter on about the poor dear, sweet little thing and how terrible it is that there are people in the world that would do something so awful.

And then once they're home and away from their audience, they give their child a good punch in the side of the head for looking at them funny during the competitive emoting over somebody else's child and 'showing them up'.

I don’t think so. As ime the majority of neglectful parents are doing the best they can, with a history of trauma and terrible parenting experiences of their own. They generally don’t see themselves as neglectful and love their kids, just don’t have the capacity to give ‘good enough’ care. The evil child torturing people are much rarer and pathological so I don’t think much will change them.

No

Many enjoy being cruel they don’t lash out on anger they enjoy the power it gives them

My stepdad enjoyed being cruel immensely

@Heruka has hit the nail on the head.

I’ve seen many times the cycle of neglect continues.

I think they probably are much more likely to think "see I am not that bad, I'm nothing like those really horrific cases you see on the tv".

Nope

Interesting question, but I doubt it in most cases.

Even the most evil of people, can rationalise their behaviour, so I don't think the news will stop the pattern.

No.

You would think so but no.
It's unbelievable to think we will have another Victoria, Baby P, Arthur and Star but we will and that in itself is too horrific to contemplate.

Nope I think if Emma Tustin was still at home with Arthur starving in the hallway she’d still be sat on her arse on her sofa in her dressing gown watching the news about Star Hobson and not giving one single fuck.

These people are beyond help.

Do you really think people like that watch the news? Generally I think they have no interest in anything but themselves.

Probably not, just how dangerous man won't have seen the Sarah Everard coverage and magically reformed.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

From experience, they're often the first to witter on about the poor dear, sweet little thing and how terrible it is that there are people in the world that would do something so awful.

And then once they're home and away from their audience, they give their child a good punch in the side of the head for looking at them funny during the competitive emoting over somebody else's child and 'showing them up'.

Sadly, this

No, I don’t think so.

There are two types of people who neglect their children in my experience. The ones who are deliberately so - they won’t give a fuck. The only things they may change their habits for is for self protection so they don’t get in trouble.

Then the accidentally so. They don’t realise they are abusive. Either because they don’t know any better or because they can’t see the similarities between people who beat their children and them disciplining their children, or between someone neglecting their children and them never considering their children’s needs. Those people also won’t see the changes needed because they don’t realise they are problematic.

They will justify their own behaviour.

"I had to hit him because he did x"

"She didn't deserve a meal because she did y"

"I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm"

And on it goes. They don't associate themselves with the people they see on the news in any way.

If their child gets removed it's always a mistake, they rewrite history in their own minds.

Well I’m sure some do and others don’t. Abusive parents are not one homogenous mass. They all differ.

Someone on a previous thread discussing the trial of Arthur labinjo Hughes’ murder said their parents were physically abusive but one visit from SS made them realise it and they changed.

I hope my DD is. She's not physically abusive but she has left her 6 year old son with us and cleared off to live somewhere else. She was always dumping him with us to go out drinking. My dgs was on child protection for a while due to abuse from his now estranged dad and he's struggled so much with his emotions. He has massive meltdowns, maybe like Arthur did because of his dysfunctional parents and we are doing our best to navigate him through this. My dd pops round now and then but then it's complete silence between visits. We've had social services involved and school and they all say he's safer with us as the worry is our dd will be getting another house soon (she had to leave her private rent) and then come back for dgs. Social have said we have no legal rights and she can report us to the police if we don't hand him over so have advised we apply for an SGO. Sad thing is my dgs does love his mum but also struggles with her abandoning him and is scared to move back with her especially if she moves in her drug dealing bf! It's all a mess and these two horrific cases really resonate with me.

No. I think it's very easy to disassociate from people you see on the news and view yourself as different to them. We all do it to some extent.

I do think good quality early help and intervention can be very effective at changing things though.

People like that don’t watch the news they give no fucks to anyone else . They justify that the poor baby/ child was naughty so a punch in the head making them stand for hours or starving is perfectly good punishment as they deserve it . Perhaps they had similar upbringing brought up in violence. I’m not defending the evil bastards just saying they won’t sit there and think oh I’m a evil cow for punching a child I’m just change my ways it’s just what they know how to behave . Evil / dangerous people that aren’t wired like most humans .

@Gothisway

You know, I had this exact same thought. And then the terrible thought afterwards that I believe abusers don’t even realise they are abusive most of the time. They truly believe their behaviour is justified.

This. Evil people don't think that they're evil.

No, I think good parents probably do even though is not warranted. I think that level of self awareness and desire to do better is what makes parents good. I think abusive parents are on a whole other wavelength.

If their child gets removed it's always a mistake, they rewrite history in their own minds.

There have actually been MNers who have posted about having their DC removed and they have been very frank about their own actions and took responsibility for it. There have been some AMA threads from some of them. Like I said- abusive parents aren’t all the same.