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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this considered fat shaming.

74 replies

AD80 · 14/12/2021 15:50

I'm overweight. I don't deny that and I don't need anyone to tell me to lose weight because I know I do Despite not losing weight recently my weight has plateaued lately and not gained any. I'm by no means huge. I think my bmi is 32 or something, which I know isn't ideal. I'm pretty healthy. I mean I would be healthier if I lose weight but I'm rarely ill! I'm 30 years old.

Anyway back to my original question. Mil!

A while ago mil turned around to me and told me in front of the rest of her family (at a bbq) that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me. I didn't know where to look. She's not small either. In fact probably similar size around than me but I weigh more as she's 5 ft 2 and me 5 foot 8. This was a while ago. I've gotten over it but not forgotten.

So at the minute me and dp are covid positive. Both pretty lucky not to be overly ill. It was really short lived for Dp. I have been really bunged up which in turn means my sinuses are on fire - I have pre existing issues with sinuses so this has just added to it. I feel rotten with bad head, facial pain etc but not much other than that. Thankfully neither of us have had any breathing or chest related issues.

I seen a text on Dp's phone saying that he's probably had it milder and over it quicker compared to me as he's slim and I'm bigger. I can't believe it.

Dp hadn't really acknowledged it. I'm peed he hasn't said anything but I know dp proably hasn't even read the text properly anyway.

I mean neither mil and her partner are slim themselves and age isn't on their side. Mil is also against the vaccines. That's her choice. But bloody hell the woman drives me mad. She knows I suffer from anxiety and have lost a few family members (my family's side) and friends - not to covid regardless but the last 2 years has been grief after grief and I'm an anxious wreck. She's just adding to it!

Aibu to think she should bore off? This is just one of many problems with mil. But I feel the comments on my weight and covid is wrong.

OP posts:
HangingDitch · 14/12/2021 15:53

Your mother in law, to put it charitably, sounds like she’s full of shit.

frogswimming · 14/12/2021 15:54

I don't think it's fat shaming. People with higher bmis are more badly affected.

SW1amp · 14/12/2021 15:56

Does it matter if it’s considered fat shaming?

She is rude, she has identified your weight as a way to criticise you, and it doesn’t sound like you like her much either

Do both of you a favour… Disengagement is the way forward

Nsky · 14/12/2021 15:56

She is wrong, you know losing weight is best for you, at your age less risks, still some.
Just do it for you!
No one else, I lost 2 st just before 50, now 59 so glad I did

TheKeatingFive · 14/12/2021 15:57

A while ago mil turned around to me and told me in front of the rest of her family (at a bbq) that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me.

This isn't so much fat shaming as being a total arsehole.

Who would do that?

She isn't even correct.

I'd be going low contact OP, she sounds appalling.

LittleRoundRobin · 14/12/2021 15:58

Sounds like fat shaming. How rude. My uncle's wife used to make snippy sarcy potshots towards me when I was in my late teens. I am 5 ft 4 and was 10 stone, so not huge! Every time I saw her she had something to say. My uncle never defended her, but my mother said (after around the 5th time 5 weeks my uncle's wife said something,) 'MUST you keep poking a Robin's weight?' Hmm

Uncle's wife said 'it's hard not to. When someone is fat I can't NOT say something. My mother was like Confused

After that I refused to be in the same room as her, and if she came to visit, I left the house. When I was in my mid 20s, my uncle left her for another woman. Shame. Wink

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/12/2021 15:58

Covid does affect fat people more badly then people of a healthy weight. Your MIL sounds rude, spiteful and somebody worth distancing yourself from. Both of those things can be simultaneously true.

A text sent to your DP (which presumably wasn’t intended for you to read?) isn’t fat shaming. If your DP showed it to you then that makes him a bit of a tosser, and I’d wonder why you’re with him; if you snooped, then ultimately part and parcel of doing that is accepting that you might end up reading something you don’t like.

DrSbaitso · 14/12/2021 15:58

I've yet to meet an overweight person who wasn't aware that they were overweight and the associated risks.

I've also yet to meet someone who lost weight and sustained it, healthily, by being made to feel shit about themselves.

Original poster
AD80 · 14/12/2021 15:59

@frogswimming

I don't think it's fat shaming. People with higher bmis are more badly affected.
I'm not dismissing that there is research to suggest this but my symptoms have been minimal so not every overweight person is going to end up in icu. Being overweight doesn't equal a bad outcome for most people!
OP posts:
LittleRoundRobin · 14/12/2021 15:59

Sorry, I mean my uncle never defended ME.

workshy44 · 14/12/2021 16:01

She isn't wrong, weight seems to be a major issue with covid with outcomes and how badly you are affected.
A BMI of 32 you are obese
That said she is incredibly rude and I wouldn't dream of saying something similar in public

Original poster
AD80 · 14/12/2021 16:02

@ComtesseDeSpair

Covid does affect fat people more badly then people of a healthy weight. Your MIL sounds rude, spiteful and somebody worth distancing yourself from. Both of those things can be simultaneously true.

A text sent to your DP (which presumably wasn’t intended for you to read?) isn’t fat shaming. If your DP showed it to you then that makes him a bit of a tosser, and I’d wonder why you’re with him; if you snooped, then ultimately part and parcel of doing that is accepting that you might end up reading something you don’t like.

I wasn't snooping! We use each other's phones constantly. I was trying to log into amazon account from a new device and it was sending texts to Dp with a code so I just grabbed his phone. He had unopened messages - because he's never checks his phone and I was scrolling through. That sounds bad but I'm basically Dp's PA! 😅 I have to check his emails for him tell him to reply to stuff. He is pants 😅
OP posts:
Original poster
AD80 · 14/12/2021 16:05

@LittleRoundRobin that's so sad, she sounds like a cow! I remember having an uncle (grandmas brother so my great uncle) who used to make comments to my Mother as a child like 'you've gained weight' etc!

I was also told once I'd never have friends or a boyfriend for being fat by a relative. Wonderful!

OP posts:
Mojoj · 14/12/2021 16:06

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. But...a BMI of 32 does put you in the high risk category.

lynntheyresexpeople · 14/12/2021 16:07

Most people in ICU with Covid are not young overweight females - that's just not correct.
Plenty overweight people have had Covid and mildly. It's not a death sentence.
If you're young and relatively healthy, and double jabbed, the likelihood is you'll be fine.

lazylinguist · 14/12/2021 16:08

It's irrelevant whether you label it 'fat shaming' and it's irrelevant whether her point about health risks is true. The point is that she is using Covid as an excuse to be pointlessly and deliberately rude to you and about you. Call her out on it, or get your dp to. Or point out that her risk is probably high because she's short, overweight and older than you.

Original poster
AD80 · 14/12/2021 16:08

I'm not saying she is wrong but it's not the way to go about it. Yes there is evidence to suggest that overweight people are more badly affected, I've never said it's not a risk but the way she went about it particularly the first time at the bbq wasn't the way to go about it! Plus criticising my weight when she isn't slim herself is just odd especially when she knew I had just lost family members and 2 friends, I was an anxious mess about everything. She was basically implying I could die and she said it in front of my dc. I'd never dream of it saying it to someone myself.

OP posts:
lynntheyresexpeople · 14/12/2021 16:09

@Mojoj

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. But...a BMI of 32 does put you in the high risk category.
No - it doesn't. A bmi of 40 or above puts you in the high risk category. According to the NHS.
shouldistop · 14/12/2021 16:12

that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me.

Is that not just bollocks though? I thought older men were the most affected?

lynntheyresexpeople · 14/12/2021 16:14

@shouldistop

that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me.

Is that not just bollocks though? I thought older men were the most affected?

It is total bollocks, you are correct.
Franklyfrost · 14/12/2021 16:15

Acknowledging that weight has an effect on health isn’t fat shaming. She probably worries about herself getting Covid while being older and heavier so looks out for how it effects older and heavier people around her.

PugInTheHouse · 14/12/2021 16:17

She is really rude saying stuff at the family BBQ, her acting like a dick doesn't make the risks untrue though. Her private text to your DH is not that awful TBH. A BMI of 32 is over 3 stone over the very top of a normal BMI so I there are a number of health risks possible even though you may feel healthy.

It's no one else's business though!

TheKeatingFive · 14/12/2021 16:17

Acknowledging that weight has an effect on health isn’t fat shaming.

What she actually said was total rubbish though

PugInTheHouse · 14/12/2021 16:18

I do suspect she is projecting though OP.

KeepApart · 14/12/2021 16:21

Most people dying with covid are not young overweight females. They are old men

Honestly it's fat shaming and it's not acceptable. She's using covid as an excuse to justify her dislike of fat people and make her feel better about herself. I doubt she gives a shit about the overwieght people on ventilators, most people like this are quite gleeful about the fact the overweight people are at greater risk.

If I turned around to someone and said 'statistically people find those with big noses more unattractive' in front of someone with a big nose, we'd all recognise that was fucking rude. It doesn't matter if I had evidence to back it up, it's not an appropriate thing to say (not saying this is a true statement, but the analogy stands)

Or if I said offhandedly 'people with cystic fibrosis are more likely to die of covid' in front of someone with CF that would be twatty. Irrelevant if it was true