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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this considered fat shaming.

74 replies

AD80 · 14/12/2021 15:50

I'm overweight. I don't deny that and I don't need anyone to tell me to lose weight because I know I do Despite not losing weight recently my weight has plateaued lately and not gained any. I'm by no means huge. I think my bmi is 32 or something, which I know isn't ideal. I'm pretty healthy. I mean I would be healthier if I lose weight but I'm rarely ill! I'm 30 years old.

Anyway back to my original question. Mil!

A while ago mil turned around to me and told me in front of the rest of her family (at a bbq) that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me. I didn't know where to look. She's not small either. In fact probably similar size around than me but I weigh more as she's 5 ft 2 and me 5 foot 8. This was a while ago. I've gotten over it but not forgotten.

So at the minute me and dp are covid positive. Both pretty lucky not to be overly ill. It was really short lived for Dp. I have been really bunged up which in turn means my sinuses are on fire - I have pre existing issues with sinuses so this has just added to it. I feel rotten with bad head, facial pain etc but not much other than that. Thankfully neither of us have had any breathing or chest related issues.

I seen a text on Dp's phone saying that he's probably had it milder and over it quicker compared to me as he's slim and I'm bigger. I can't believe it.

Dp hadn't really acknowledged it. I'm peed he hasn't said anything but I know dp proably hasn't even read the text properly anyway.

I mean neither mil and her partner are slim themselves and age isn't on their side. Mil is also against the vaccines. That's her choice. But bloody hell the woman drives me mad. She knows I suffer from anxiety and have lost a few family members (my family's side) and friends - not to covid regardless but the last 2 years has been grief after grief and I'm an anxious wreck. She's just adding to it!

Aibu to think she should bore off? This is just one of many problems with mil. But I feel the comments on my weight and covid is wrong.

OP posts:
KeepApart · 14/12/2021 16:26

Also she wasn't saying that obese people are more affected by covid. She hasn't just read a scientific study

She specifically said young overweight females, which is not true and also describes OP, said while looking at OP. Let's not be obtuse we all know she was getting at. The later text makes her thoughts clear

She also then makes the point that OP has had it worse because she's overweight, again not appropriate comment to make about someone else. Especially as its because of her sinuses and nothing to do with her weight. If she were OPS doctor it maybe a valid discussion if relates to her weight, but she's not.

strawberrymilk7 · 14/12/2021 16:33

She sounds like a b!t$h! Regardless of if you are or are not over weight saying something like that in front of friends/ family is down right rude. I wouldn't be annoyed that DP didn't tell you about the text, I'd have been annoyed if he had shown it to me!

SheWentWest · 14/12/2021 16:34

Christ. All these people who still cannot resist taking the opportunity to point out their issue with your BMI 😂

thatsallineed · 14/12/2021 16:39

Since when did onging sinus issues have anything to do with weight?

Your MIL is a cow, by the way.

Alonelonelyloner · 14/12/2021 16:41

The text wasn't fat shaming as it was to your partner, not to you.

Cryalot2 · 14/12/2021 16:45

Op so sorry that your mil is like this. Flowers
Your weight and size are your business and nothing to do with her or anyone else.
Your dh needs to support you and warn her off her unacceptable very rude behaviour.

I have no idea what my weight or bm are. I use clothes. If certain clothes fit well then I am ok. Yes I am overweight but several meds cause weight gain. That said I go to the gym twice a week and walk daily.

There is no call for rudeness or bad behaviour like mil.
You don't need it .

Iwantmyoldnameback · 14/12/2021 16:46

I thought you had to be morbidly obese for COVID to affect you?

Youdoyoutoday · 14/12/2021 16:47

Your MIL is rude!! Next time just set her straight and tell her to shut up.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 14/12/2021 16:50

@ComtesseDeSpair

Covid does affect fat people more badly then people of a healthy weight. Your MIL sounds rude, spiteful and somebody worth distancing yourself from. Both of those things can be simultaneously true.

A text sent to your DP (which presumably wasn’t intended for you to read?) isn’t fat shaming. If your DP showed it to you then that makes him a bit of a tosser, and I’d wonder why you’re with him; if you snooped, then ultimately part and parcel of doing that is accepting that you might end up reading something you don’t like.

This. She's not wrong. She didn't say it to you either, I don't think you can be fat shamed if it's said to somebody else.
1forAll74 · 14/12/2021 16:51

It's quite easy to just disregard what people say to you, about weight or whatever else, and to stop all the nonsense talk getting into your head space.

Floundery · 14/12/2021 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 16:52

She sounds horrible

Gwenhwyfar · 14/12/2021 16:52

@DrSbaitso

I've yet to meet an overweight person who wasn't aware that they were overweight and the associated risks.

I've also yet to meet someone who lost weight and sustained it, healthily, by being made to feel shit about themselves.

I've seen quite a few on the news saying they didn't know they were more at risk. Some threads on here too.
cookiemonster2468 · 14/12/2021 16:53

To be honest it's neither here nor there that the information is factually correct.

Yes, it has been shown that Covid can be more severe in people who are overweight.

But your MIL was rude to send that text. As far as I can see, the sole purpose or her message is to gossip about your weight and your health, which is just unpleasant really.

It's none of her business.

KatharinaRosalie · 14/12/2021 16:55

Send a concerned text back that does she know, most people in the ICU are unvaccinated?

Original poster
AD80 · 14/12/2021 16:57

@thatsallineed

Since when did onging sinus issues have anything to do with weight?

Your MIL is a cow, by the way.

Absolutely. Thankfully I don't have any breathing issues with covid. Just feels like a head cold and it's flared up my pre existing sinus issues (all to do with my impacted wisdom teeth and quite often swollen jaw near my sinuses I think). Any cold or respiratory virus really makes me feel like my face is burning 🥵
OP posts:
me4real · 14/12/2021 17:00

It is factual unfortunately. At over a BMI of 30 someone is obese. So it's not a small amount. You're healthy for now but obesity has health risks, including more mortality from Covid. You spied on his phone or you wouldn'tve seen that particular instance of her comment.

Has your doctor offered you the med Orlistat, @AD80 ? A lot of people manage to lose a bit of weight on that. You could ask your doctor for it. Or you can buy it from Boots etc if approved by them, at a lower dose called Alli. The prescription dose is also available online from reputable pharmacies (check the doctor is in the GMC and the pharmacist in the GPhC.)

Moonface123 · 14/12/2021 17:00

It' s really ugly behaviour. If she is genuinely concerned about your health then she could have mentioned it privately in a much kinder way.

daisyjgrey · 14/12/2021 17:03

It doesn't matter if it is or not, she's rude. There is no reason to make that kind of speculation or comment at all. She was being a bitch.

TonTonMacoute · 14/12/2021 17:03

I'm not sure about fat shaming - I think it's just called being a nasty, unkind bitch.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2021 17:04

Did DP not say anything to her at the bbq? He just stood there and let her upset you?

Hope you’re both better very soon.

JessieLongleg · 14/12/2021 17:04

I've had this with my dad and he is very over weight and told his cholesterol level is high and in the age group of most deaths ffs.

It is fat shaming but with a big dose of denial to who they are themselves. I have not chest issues rarely get a cold, have a high muscle tone etc. Plus am isolating as much as possible as pregnant and getting physio for inherited problems the NHS made worse but not treating myself. Yet the anger is still directed at me. That's fat shaming.

Outdoorbeanbags · 14/12/2021 17:06

Sending that to your partner after saying the horrible thing at the bbq might not be “fat shaming” you directly but it’s undermining you. I wonder if there’s a “no one’s good enough for my special prince” dynamic going on here? If it wasn’t weight/covid it would be something else.

WonderfulYou · 14/12/2021 17:06

I seen a text on Dp's phone saying that he's probably had it milder and over it quicker compared to me as he's slim and I'm bigger.

That’s not fat shaming.

The only negative thing she said about it was you had it worse which could be due to your weight - which is absolutely correct. Like any illness if you’re over or underweight it will probably affect you more.

I honestly think it’s your own insecurities making you paranoid, especially if she is fat herself she’s hardly going to fat shame you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/12/2021 17:08

Acknowledging that weight has an effect on health isn’t fat shaming

On Mumsnet practically any reference to obesity is deemed to be fat shaming, but that doesn't change the facts about its potential effect on health

Without being there to hear how it was said it's hard to comment on the MILs remarks, but she certainly wasn't wrong about the above - though she may have been about the majority in ICU being young and femals as well as obese