Is this considered fat shaming.

[AD80]

I'm overweight. I don't deny that and I don't need anyone to tell me to lose weight because I know I do Despite not losing weight recently my weight has plateaued lately and not gained any. I'm by no means huge. I think my bmi is 32 or something, which I know isn't ideal. I'm pretty healthy. I mean I would be healthier if I lose weight but I'm rarely ill! I'm 30 years old.

Anyway back to my original question. Mil!

A while ago mil turned around to me and told me in front of the rest of her family (at a bbq) that most people in icu with covid on ventilators & dying are young overweight females whilst looking at me. I didn't know where to look. She's not small either. In fact probably similar size around than me but I weigh more as she's 5 ft 2 and me 5 foot 8. This was a while ago. I've gotten over it but not forgotten.

So at the minute me and dp are covid positive. Both pretty lucky not to be overly ill. It was really short lived for Dp. I have been really bunged up which in turn means my sinuses are on fire - I have pre existing issues with sinuses so this has just added to it. I feel rotten with bad head, facial pain etc but not much other than that. Thankfully neither of us have had any breathing or chest related issues.

I seen a text on Dp's phone saying that he's probably had it milder and over it quicker compared to me as he's slim and I'm bigger. I can't believe it.

Dp hadn't really acknowledged it. I'm peed he hasn't said anything but I know dp proably hasn't even read the text properly anyway.

I mean neither mil and her partner are slim themselves and age isn't on their side. Mil is also against the vaccines. That's her choice. But bloody hell the woman drives me mad. She knows I suffer from anxiety and have lost a few family members (my family's side) and friends - not to covid regardless but the last 2 years has been grief after grief and I'm an anxious wreck. She's just adding to it!

Aibu to think she should bore off? This is just one of many problems with mil. But I feel the comments on my weight and covid is wrong.

It always seems to be older women that find it acceptable to comment on a younger woman’s weight, boob size, etc. especially within families.

My MIL seems to be obsessed with mine. It’s always ooh you’ve lost weight, you’ve gained weight, haha my big boobs and your small boobs.. my own mum and Nan were like this too!

I’ve been a healthy size for a good year, my weight fluctuates within the same 10lbs, I literally don’t care about my weight anymore, I just eat regular meals. But apparently I have a local weight monitor!

Your MIL does like you, that's for certain. I wouldn't have a thing to do with her from this day forward. Life is too short to allow toxic bullshit like that to tarnish it.

Her comment at the BBQ was uncalled for.

Her text to your DH really doesn’t seem that bad.

I'm morbidly obese and I don't mind telling you that all my life it's only been people who were unhappy with their own bodies who've made nasty comments about mine. I'd say your MIL is a prize bitch who is trying to make herself feel better about her own weight by putting you down about yours. I'd be prepared for the next time she says something, maybe smile sweetly and say 'Are you hinting we should both join Weightwatchers together?' (NB I'm not suggesting you so much as cross the road with this woman, just it would be a good way to point out to her that she's not in a position to criticise you.)

@me4real I can't even see a doctor about a non weight related issue right now so I'm not even sure they'd see me regarding weight! I can lose weight pretty easily if I put my mind to it, just I've not been trying hard enough and eating too many treats. A couple years ago I put on some weight but lost what I gained and maintained my weight during the whole lockdown for now and need to lose more but at least I haven't gained a single pound for a long time.

I've never denied that I need to lose weight and I'll be healthier for it. Im pretty healthy overall. I don't smoke or drink alcohol , only drink water, I have covid right now but I'm feeling okay apart from burning sinus pain and headache. I exercise. I just like food 😅 I've always weighed quite a bit more than I look too. When I was younger and a size 10, I weighed 12.5 Stone which put me in the overweight category despite being comfortable in a size 10!

It was a text to your DP, you weren't meant to see it, it's not fat shaming. And you're not overweight, you're obese and the fact is you are likely to have it worse because of it, not just because of your sinuses.
She was rude at the BBQ but she hasn't done anything else wrong.

@WonderfulYou

I seen a text on Dp's phone saying that he's probably had it milder and over it quicker compared to me as he's slim and I'm bigger.

That’s not fat shaming.

The only negative thing she said about it was you had it worse which could be due to your weight - which is absolutely correct. Like any illness if you’re over or underweight it will probably affect you more.

I honestly think it’s your own insecurities making you paranoid, especially if she is fat herself she’s hardly going to fat shame you.

I agree with this.

And because she's overweight herself, she's probably also worried about that, so therefore feels it's ok to speak about it.

In the same way that so many Mumsnetters say "I'm overweight myself", when posting on a thread about weight issues.

Some things just don't need saying though do they?

So she either wanted to be rude Op at the BBQ or thinks Op is a total thick shit who doesn't know that there can be a correlation between health & weight.

Your MIL is rude and to be ignored.

That said, your weight does put you at an increased risk of health problems, not just covid. Take note and do something about it. If anything to wipe the smile off your MIL’s face. I guarantee you will feel way better within yourself if you do.

especially if she is fat herself she’s hardly going to fat shame you.

That's really not how that works. Weirdly people quite overweight themselves can have a thing about their weight but deflect from this and criticise others. The MiL sounds unkind at best and flat out nasty at worst.

And if being rude to overweight people helped them lose weight, everybody would be a damn sight slimmer. As it is, it's more likely to make them feel bad about themselves and start comfort eating.

@me4real

It is factual unfortunately. At over a BMI of 30 someone is obese. So it's not a small amount. You're healthy for now but obesity has health risks, including more mortality from Covid. You spied on his phone or you wouldn'tve seen that particular instance of her comment.

Has your doctor offered you the med Orlistat, @AD80 ? A lot of people manage to lose a bit of weight on that. You could ask your doctor for it. Or you can buy it from Boots etc if approved by them, at a lower dose called Alli. The prescription dose is also available online from reputable pharmacies (check the doctor is in the GMC and the pharmacist in the GPhC.)

Doesn't really matter if it's factual, OP knows she's overweight and maybe she will do something about it at some point but lots of people drink water more than the units the NHS suggests every week and people very rarely say anything to those people, because it isn't their business. I don't think it was fat shaming necessarily OP, but I don't think it was very nice all the same.

@diddl

Some things just don't need saying though do they?

So she either wanted to be rude Op at the BBQ or thinks Op is a total thick shit who doesn't know that there can be a correlation between health & weight.

I agree with this

She’s rude, I’d ignore her and forget about it. She projecting her issues into you, to make herself feel better. Common and pathetic.

I would send her a text back saying "its to be hoped that you don't catch it then"

@BertramLacey

especially if she is fat herself she’s hardly going to fat shame you.

That's really not how that works. Weirdly people quite overweight themselves can have a thing about their weight but deflect from this and criticise others. The MiL sounds unkind at best and flat out nasty at worst.

And if being rude to overweight people helped them lose weight, everybody would be a damn sight slimmer. As it is, it's more likely to make them feel bad about themselves and start comfort eating.

I absolutely agree. Unrelated to my post really but I grew up with a larger mother. Not that that matters to me that she was larger. But my mother constantly commented on people's weight. Admittedly not to their face but she'd say 'look at that fat bitch' 'she's huge' 'she'll never get a boyfriend if she's that big' 'she can barely fit in her car'. Thing is she never said it to their faces (which is good) but I heard her say it all which has made me the most self conscience person ever! Because of this I don't feel I'm worthy of anything because of me weight and get paranoid dp will go off me (but we've been together 10 years). The difference is my mum was always in denial about her weight, I'm not! I know I'm fat and need to lose weight! Even if mil made a comment about me needing to lose weight but it was the sly comments about young overweight females in icu that got to me most. I have health anxiety and it really didn't help my worry!

You should probably just tell your MIL 'yes, old people are really at risk too so you should be careful, especially since you're old AND overweight'.

The majority of people currently ending up in ICU with COVID are the unvaccinated. Of whatever weight and body shape.

I would have been so tempted to say at the BBQ 'I heard it affects bigger people in the older population too, so I guess we all better be careful' head tilt, tinkly laugh. But then I'm a bitch like that

She didn't text you, though, did she? She texted her son. The comment she made in front of you a while back was very out of order, though.
With a BMI of 32, I doubt that you are 'pretty healthy', though. You must weigh 15 stone, or thereabouts? Nothing healthy about that.

It's bizarre - hardly anyone ever comments on my weight (currently size 16/18, bmi 30, but when I was unwell a few years ago, dress size 22 and weighed about 20kg more) the only person that ever makes a comment is SIL, whom I rarely see, think the occasional funeral maybe every 3-4 years.
Every bloody time she opens with "oh you've put on weight" - she is about 4'8", and I would guess a dress size 30+ I honestly can't imagine why anyone would be so rude - particularly when pot/kettle/black

@RaoulDufysCat

You should probably just tell your MIL 'yes, old people are really at risk too so you should be careful, especially since you're old AND overweight'.

How do you know her MIL is old?

They’re not mutually exclusive, both things can be true.
She sounds rude and thoughtless. At the same time obesity does considerably increase the risk from Covid.

Admittedly not to their face but she'd say 'look at that fat bitch' 'she's huge' 'she'll never get a boyfriend if she's that big' 'she can barely fit in her car'.

That’s fat shaming. But saying something that’s factually accurate isn’t.
She didn’t even say it in a negative way, just a factual way.

If she had said you had it worse because you’re a women do you think she was being sexist?

The entire time people have said men, the elderly and overweight people are more likely to be seriously ill but that’s not sexist, ageist or fat shaming.

Cough into a card and send it to her. She sounds like a right bitch.