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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have lied to the school? Aibu...?

54 replies

Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 11:24

So a few months ago I got into an argument with my sons dad. It was a very horrible and he grabbed me by my jumper. He has never hit me or anything of the sort this is the first time something like this has happened and we are no longer together. My son saw this (he immediately let go when he realised what he was doing) but my son told this to a teacher at the school. They called me and asked if I was OK as ds said we were fighting and it was physical. I panicked in fear and told them it wasn't true and that nothing happened at all. I'm absolutely petrified that the school are going to call social services. I'm not excusing this behaviour at all but it was a one off and we have been on much much better terms since that big blow out. I am wondering if I should have just been honest and said it was just a horrible argument and it got out of hand it has never happened before and has never happened since. I'm just so scared they will call social services or something. I can't stop crying now.

OP posts:
SnugKnights · 14/12/2021 11:29

I think you shouldn’t have lied to them, but I can’t say I definitely wouldn’t have done the same in that moment when I’m sure you were shocked and scared. If this was all months ago then I’m sure you won’t be hearing from social services about it. So I’d try to put it out of your mind now. I’m guessing you reassured your son at the time?

Crapslattern · 14/12/2021 11:30

I'm so sorry you are going through this and can completely understand why you reacted the way you did. In the long run I think it would be better for you to actually address the issue head on, if you can.

I think it may be worth you asking for a confidential discussion with the headteacher. They may or may not contact social services BUT they will be able to support your ds who must be feeling very confused right now. He has witnessed something very upsetting and to all intents and purposes, been accused of lying about it.

IME social services would be looking to support you, not to take immediate action.

Good luck OP 🙏❤️

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 11:32

The lying will just make it worse if SS do get involved. Maybe ask to speak to the head in private?

DrManhattan · 14/12/2021 11:32

How are you gonna square this with your son? Do the school now think he's telling lies?
I'd ring them back and explain how worried you are. You will feel better. Take care xxxx

LittleOwl153 · 14/12/2021 11:33

If this happened a few months ago I cant see why it is bothering you now unless there is more to it.

School will understand what happened - teachers will have known enough families go through domestic violence to appreciate that victims of dv are not always ready to open up. If you need support now - go and speak to them. They will not hold it against you.

In terms of social services - it is the children they are bothered about. They are not that bothered whether you and he knock seven bells out of each other so long as neither of you turn it on the children. Or are showing the impacts of having seen it repeatedly at home (for example if you son is mimicking language/actions he has seen in his dad on his mates). School would only escalate to SS if they had other/ongoing concerns re your child. They would likely keep watch on him for a while but that is no bad thing.

If its still bothering you that you lied and you feel that you could talk to school then do so - vlear the air of it. If not don't worry about it so long as things are sorted now.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 11:35

Please explain it to the school. You don't want them to think your sons a liar.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 11:36

Sorry I should have made it clear the incident happened months ago (July) but my son only just mentioned it today. I think you are right I shouldn't have lied I just panicked having grown up with ss involved I just don't want that for my son. I will speak to the teacher today after school.

OP posts:
katmarie · 14/12/2021 11:38

Op, I imagine they will be sympathetic, if you tell them the truth. They are more concerned about supporting your son and you than anything else.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/12/2021 11:42

I think you sound like you are making excuses for your ex, if your son mentioned it at school then it obviously played on his mind . Stop making your ex sound like a hero for letting go of you as soon as your son saw .
I can understand your immediate panic but it was the wrong thing to do .

TurnUpTurnip · 14/12/2021 11:42

I think you shouldn’t tell them, the fact that your admitting to lying won’t look good, imo just leave it now.

Coconutscrub · 14/12/2021 11:45

Wow the worst part of all of this, is you’ve betrayed your son by voiding his truth and feelings into a lie. That’s heartbreaking.

EvilPea · 14/12/2021 11:45

I’d be honest, you panicked, were caught on the hop, were somewhere you couldn’t talk - whatever.
It’s clearly upsetting your son for him to have bottled up and retold it now. They can get someone to have a chat with him to help process it.

Nevertime · 14/12/2021 11:49

It was really brave and grown up of your son to tell the school and he must have been very upset/worried to do so.

It's a great that he's at a school that made him feel able to do so.

The school will already know you lied.

All you can do now is appologise and explain to DS why you did, I think

Doona · 14/12/2021 11:52

I would have lied too.

CityMumma78 · 14/12/2021 11:55

Honesty is the best policy, always! I can understand your panic but perhaps you should just let them know the truth and the fact it isn’t anything serious and was a one-off reaction. Also thank them for taking it so seriously and following up, it sounds like your son goes to a wonderful school.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 11:55

No way am I making my ex out to be a hero in the slightest. He was wrong we both know that. We have both spoken to our son about it and that it was wrong to do. Do I think he's a hero no and I'm not making excuses for him either we were together 16yrs and it has never happened before. Yes I know I lied to the school but I panicked, having lived a life of ss and contact centres it's not what I want for my son so at that point in time I thought it was best to deny that anything happened. I know this was wrong and I will speak to the school and my son about it. There's no need for the bad mother comments when I acted on fear and panic

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 14/12/2021 11:57

The school probably already believe your son. They may decide to make a referral anyway if they think you’re lying about it. Your son was obviously bothered enough by this incident to tell school. You should be supporting him not lying to school.

notanothertakeaway · 14/12/2021 11:59

They are not that bothered whether you and he knock seven bells out of each other so long as neither of you turn it on the children

@LittleOwl153 That's not true. It's now understood that children experience domestic abuse even if it's not directed at them

OP, I expect that school will have suspicions you were lying to them. Why would a child lie about such a thing? And, if they do report to social work, I suspect that not much will come of it. The threshold for intervention is quite high (Many would say too high, but that's a whole other conversation)

DuckBrownDuck · 14/12/2021 12:00

If it was months ago and it only got brought up now could you say you had forgotten about the jumper when you spoke to them then explain what happened so it doesn't look you're lying and panicking? I know covering a lie with a lie isn't the best ever but I could easily forget something from July.

Onatree · 14/12/2021 12:01

Your poor child saw this.

Felt affected enough to tell a trusted adult - a teacher.

Then that trusted adult was told by another trusted adult (his mum) - that it's all a lie. That he lied. That it's not true. He must not be believed.

Jesus Christ.

What should your DS learn out of this? He'll learn that people dont believe him if he asks for help/opens up - so next time - he just wont I suppose. How does he feel about you for the lying? About his dad for his behaviour? How is DS feeling amidst all this?

whynotwhatknot · 14/12/2021 12:03

they may refer anyway or at least note it down incase of future incidents

not great youve made your son out to be a liar

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 12:04

@DuckBrownDuck

If it was months ago and it only got brought up now could you say you had forgotten about the jumper when you spoke to them then explain what happened so it doesn't look you're lying and panicking? I know covering a lie with a lie isn't the best ever but I could easily forget something from July.
This is what I will do I know I shouldn't have lied, I know I shouldn't cover one with a lie but if lying will help me tell the truth I'll take that option and hope for the best.
OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 14/12/2021 12:15

Thats a good idea. I just want to add that if you can understand the issues around abuse it can help you cope, now and in the future.

The first thing to understand is that there is a defense mechanism that kicks in when abused people feel challenged and unsafe; and it causes you to go into a state of denial. You can only open up and talk when you feel its safe to do so.
Its unrealistic of anyone to pounce and demand you talk about abuse. Counsellors who specialise in abuse spend many sessions preparing you to feel safe so that you can open up and talk about it.

Now you have left the relationship, you are better able to process what has happened. You can do this.

Tal45 · 14/12/2021 12:22

Yes I would say you've just realised he's probably talking about an incident that happened several months ago before you split up where your husband grabbed your jumper. Say you're worried that this is still on his mind so much time after and do they have any suggestions on what you could do to support him or help you could get him.

SunshineCake1 · 14/12/2021 12:23

You should have been honest. We had an incident that DS told school about. They rang and I immediately told them everything. They knew I was being truthful and they knew it was a one off. Nothing else happened. I was pleased and proud DS felt able to tell someone and was happy school rang to check.

You were silly to lie.