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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have lied to the school? Aibu...?

54 replies

Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 11:24

So a few months ago I got into an argument with my sons dad. It was a very horrible and he grabbed me by my jumper. He has never hit me or anything of the sort this is the first time something like this has happened and we are no longer together. My son saw this (he immediately let go when he realised what he was doing) but my son told this to a teacher at the school. They called me and asked if I was OK as ds said we were fighting and it was physical. I panicked in fear and told them it wasn't true and that nothing happened at all. I'm absolutely petrified that the school are going to call social services. I'm not excusing this behaviour at all but it was a one off and we have been on much much better terms since that big blow out. I am wondering if I should have just been honest and said it was just a horrible argument and it got out of hand it has never happened before and has never happened since. I'm just so scared they will call social services or something. I can't stop crying now.

OP posts:
Novasmummy · 14/12/2021 12:24

I would rather a SS referral than to accuse my child of lying and for them to feel reservations about reporting any abuse they see or experience in future. I can understand why in the moment you panicked, but I would arrange a meeting with the school and make a full disclosure of what happened as you did here.

Novasmummy · 14/12/2021 12:27

I am also shit scared of SS and teachers too tbh Blush so I do sympathise. But I don't think it's fair to make out your child lied, and I don't think the school will take your word over his Anyway, so by not being honest you make a small altercation into a much bigger event

shouldistop · 14/12/2021 12:27

I would call them and tell them the truth. Say you couldn't talk when they originally phoned as you were with friends. Just explain what you have here that it was the first and only time something like that had happened and it was months ago now.
Your son is obviously still thinking about it so I'd ask the schools advice on how to help your son process it.

liliainterfrutices · 14/12/2021 12:28

I think you should tell them it was true, because it’s really important your son is believed.
I’m really sorry things are difficult.

CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 14/12/2021 12:31

I would ask for an appointment with the teacher or Headteacher to discuss and admit that you lied through panic initially, then tell them the whole story. They won’t make a referral based on a one-off like this, but will be able to offer your son the appropriate support if they are in possession of all the facts. Lying, covering it with more lies, will only make matters worse.

Tippexy · 14/12/2021 12:32

Of course you should tell them the truth - they will be thinking your son is a liar and that might affect their interactions with him. It's really important you tell them the truth and to let them know your son was telling the truth. Also he may need some support at school to help him process his feelings about what he saw. Tell them today.

3scape · 14/12/2021 12:33

You've reacted exactly the way a lot of people experiencing abuse by a former or current partner do. You are terrified at the impact on you. Lots of people lie, it delays children getting support they might need. If (though unlikely) someone does come back you need to be honest and open. Noone can support against any future violence from him (which is possible despite how much of a one off this seems) towards you or your child if they are being lied to.

ProperVexed · 14/12/2021 12:33

Victims of domestic abuse often lie when challenged about an incident, their injuries, etc. Those who work with victims are aware of this. You are a victim and probably feel vulnerable. Your son is also victim having witnessed this event.
Honesty is the best policy, but can be difficult in these situations.
If you feel able to talk to the school again it would be good to tell them what happened and how it has been resolved. I wouldn't consider you to be in any trouble.

knittingaddict · 14/12/2021 12:34

@LittleOwl153

If this happened a few months ago I cant see why it is bothering you now unless there is more to it.

School will understand what happened - teachers will have known enough families go through domestic violence to appreciate that victims of dv are not always ready to open up. If you need support now - go and speak to them. They will not hold it against you.

In terms of social services - it is the children they are bothered about. They are not that bothered whether you and he knock seven bells out of each other so long as neither of you turn it on the children. Or are showing the impacts of having seen it repeatedly at home (for example if you son is mimicking language/actions he has seen in his dad on his mates). School would only escalate to SS if they had other/ongoing concerns re your child. They would likely keep watch on him for a while but that is no bad thing.

If its still bothering you that you lied and you feel that you could talk to school then do so - vlear the air of it. If not don't worry about it so long as things are sorted now.

They absolutely do care if children witness violence between parents and rightly so. It's totally unacceptable for children to witness adults being physically or verbally abusive.

I'm not condemning the op because she acted in the moment, but there's no point downplaying it.

3scape · 14/12/2021 12:35

I really advise keeping contact with your ex to a minimum and, ideally, in public or with another adult present.

silverbubbles · 14/12/2021 12:35

@Onatree

Your poor child saw this.

Felt affected enough to tell a trusted adult - a teacher.

Then that trusted adult was told by another trusted adult (his mum) - that it's all a lie. That he lied. That it's not true. He must not be believed.

Jesus Christ.

What should your DS learn out of this? He'll learn that people dont believe him if he asks for help/opens up - so next time - he just wont I suppose. How does he feel about you for the lying? About his dad for his behaviour? How is DS feeling amidst all this?

Exactly this.

Get a grip of yourself.

LimeTreeGrove · 14/12/2021 12:39

I think the school will know your ds was telling the truth

RantyAunty · 14/12/2021 12:42

Clearly it meant something to your son for him to bring it up today.

How old is he?

How often do you see the ex and is it at your place or his?

Risefromthedream · 14/12/2021 12:44

If anything they may be more likely to raise it with SS now if it’s clear to them you lied and aren’t bothered about calling your son a liar too. How sad for your son. I’m glad he at least has the school having his best interests at heart.

Motnight · 14/12/2021 12:45

Put your son first and own up to the school about your lying.

PicsInRed · 14/12/2021 12:47

It's amazing that all the emphasis here is on 1. OP lying and 2. the damage done to her son by her lying and the school thinking that he's lying - rather than the assault on OP by her ex partner and the damage done to her son by the ex through son having to witness this (and likely other) domestic violence.

The focus on the lie, focusing on the behaviour of the victim, and almost universal ignoring of the assault is exactly why women stay silent.

OP: as a PP wisely suggested, it may be safest if any handover is done in a public place. These men never change and it's highly likely something like this will happen again, regardless of what you do, he'll ensure it does. FlowersFlowers

Anxietyandwine · 14/12/2021 12:47

If be more concerned about the message you’re sending your son..

Lying to teachers is ok.

Mom will make him out to be a liar to cover her back.

Worst of all, If abuse is reported by him nothing is done as he is not believed by trusted adults.

I hope he’s never in a position where he has suffered any abuse and needs to tell a grown up

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 12:51

@PicsInRed

It's amazing that all the emphasis here is on 1. OP lying and 2. the damage done to her son by her lying and the school thinking that he's lying - rather than the assault on OP by her ex partner and the damage done to her son by the ex through son having to witness this (and likely other) domestic violence.

The focus on the lie, focusing on the behaviour of the victim, and almost universal ignoring of the assault is exactly why women stay silent.

OP: as a PP wisely suggested, it may be safest if any handover is done in a public place. These men never change and it's highly likely something like this will happen again, regardless of what you do, he'll ensure it does. FlowersFlowers

Her thread is literally about lying to the school...
Regularsizedrudy · 14/12/2021 12:52

Stop worrying about covering your arse and think about what this is doing to your son

MotherofTerriers · 14/12/2021 12:59

Please tell the teacher the truth
Your son deserves to be believed and to be supported.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone497 · 14/12/2021 13:00

I've spoken to the school and they explained why they called. They were reading a book about peers and fighting etc and he said 'mummy and dad was fighting once' they asked what he meant, he said 'they were shouting and fighting I told them to be nice' he didn't disclose what he saw, the school didn't tell him he was lying for all of you so concerned the school was going to tell him he's a liar, he didn't speak to a teacher and say he was scared of anything he mentioned it in regards to the topic at hand. The school said they called because they wanted to make sure I was OK due to the disclosure. I explained the situation and what happened they said that he hadn't said anything about the incident in question. They wasn't angry I lied and thanked me for calling them. No further action will be taken.

Once again I didn't ask for opinions on whether I am a bad mother or not so you can keep those comments to yourself. Thank you for the helpful comments and advice.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 14/12/2021 13:06

@Regularsizedrudy

Stop worrying about covering your arse and think about what this is doing to your son
Covering her arse?! Op hasn't done anything wrong.
BurningTheClocks · 14/12/2021 13:14

As a primary teacher, I’m surprised at how many of you think that anyone in the school would tell the child he was lying. Why on Earth do you think that?
That’s not how safeguarding works, and all schools have a clear policy, disclosure protocols and a nominated individual who is responsible for safeguarding.
Now I’m a supply teacher, it’s one of the first pieces of information I’m given. Often before knowing where the staffroom or the loos are.
You all make staff sound like the KGB and we’re really not.

notthemum · 14/12/2021 13:23

@Namechangeforthisone497

I've spoken to the school and they explained why they called. They were reading a book about peers and fighting etc and he said 'mummy and dad was fighting once' they asked what he meant, he said 'they were shouting and fighting I told them to be nice' he didn't disclose what he saw, the school didn't tell him he was lying for all of you so concerned the school was going to tell him he's a liar, he didn't speak to a teacher and say he was scared of anything he mentioned it in regards to the topic at hand. The school said they called because they wanted to make sure I was OK due to the disclosure. I explained the situation and what happened they said that he hadn't said anything about the incident in question. They wasn't angry I lied and thanked me for calling them. No further action will be taken.

Once again I didn't ask for opinions on whether I am a bad mother or not so you can keep those comments to yourself. Thank you for the helpful comments and advice.

For Christs sake. The Op knows it was a stupid thing to lie about. She was as some posters have said 'caught on the hop'. She reacted the way she thought was best in the circumstances at that time. Due to her early involvement with SS she rightly or wrongly thought that this would be a major issue for the school and as a general rule most parents at some time make the wrong decision. OP has now spoken to the school and has been reassured. Therefore she now knows that she can speak to them. Hopefully she will/has spoken to the little one and explained that sometimes even mummies and daddies are wrong. But they will keep trying to get it right and will both love and keep the little one safe and very importantly it is fine for the child to tell the teacher things. OP well done for speaking to the school. I am pleased that they were so understanding. 💐
TurnUpTurnip · 14/12/2021 13:31

It’s understandable why you lied op, no one wants an ss referral, some of these comments are ridiculous