AIBU? Christmas mental load

[DBI78]

How do you guys share the additional Xmas mental load? I work 10 hours a work plus at home with ds. Oh works 40 hours a week plus 90min commute.
OH todo list-
My pressies and card
His parents pressie
Our ds main pressie
Wrap my pressies and sign card
My list -
Oh pressies
Ds other pressies
2 x dd pressies
My dad
Sil + bil
5 x nieces and nephews
My sister
Teachers
School club
Dog walker
All cards
Order food
Wrap all pressies
Plus much more I'm sure!!
The think is I can ask him to do more but I have to send links or he will need me to tell him exactly what to do.
What's your households like?

I don’t know. I work 36 hours and lone parent my DD. Order stuff online, wrap gifts at night, do the bare minimum, try not to stress.

Can’t you get DH to wrap the presents if you are ordering food?

I do everything but I'm a sahm of school age children...I also don't do a huge amount for Christmas. I only buy for a few people, just the kids in our family..I do all the wrapping but I quite enjoy it. I do all the cooking and food prep. I'd rather do it alone

We are pretty even and I definitely get DH to wrap presents with me- I hate that but!

Bit

I work 30hours a week DH does 40 but he has much longer holidays so we do the same number of hours per year.
Christmas is entirely my responsibility as he genuinely is crap at it. I remember one year he decided to help with stockingfillers and came back with 3 new laptops (one for each child). When their main presents were already wrapped.
This year his sole contribution is a tin of shortbread but its safer that way.
In his defence he is very good at cleaning, maintaining the house and cars, walking the dog and being a taxi driver.

I do what I enjoy and delegate the rest to DP. I am neither mug nor martyr.

We are more even.
Me

• lists
• food (though DH is doing a lot of the shopping since the pandemic)
• half the cards
• wrapping presents
• identifying presents

DH

• half the cards
• ordering presents
• pre-Christmas tidy/clean
• washing up on Christmas day

We used to have a regular bicker on ~ Christmas Eve when he started doing 'unnecessary' jobs. We now agree the list of things to be done and who is going to do them and it stops me getting stressed if he starts oiling a squeaky door or whatever.

Full time lone parent so I do everything. Thinking of ordering a ready made Christmas in a box if anyone knows a good one as I can’t be arsed.

We are pretty evenly split, but then we both work full time so no one has more time than the other. I have a larger family so end up buying more presents. Otherwise it’s quite fair.

Ordering food takes five maybe ten minutes. Whose family are the nieces and nephews from? We wrap together usually in front of a film. We buy for our own families and discuss DS together. This year we did it together in the car on the way to PIL, discussed what to get for whom he drove while I ordered. Took less than the two hour journey. I did the cards this year, we did them together last year. He does anything that involves getting up a ladder. If we're eating at home he helps with veg prep etc but I cook, he lays the table with DS and cleans away/does the dishwasher/brings me wine. Things like teacher and dog walker surely you just pick something up while grocery shopping. Given you only work ten hours a week you have the time to order a few more Christmas presents surely

I work 27 hours a week and do all housework, laundry, school runs, supervising homework, etc Dh is a hospital Dr so struggles to have time to help much.

Christmas preparation is pretty much down to me. Ordering presents, wrapping, food shopping. However he will cook Christmas dinner.

He works a 40 hour week plus commute and a lot if the things on your list don't sound like they have much to do with him..your sister, school clu , teachers, dog walker (assuming you deal more with these people as you spend majority of your time as sahm and presumably do drop offs etc? Unless I've misunderstood)
I think reasonably you could ask him to do neices, nephews, bil and sil, depending whose side of the family they are.

We used to have a regular bicker on ~ Christmas Eve when he started doing 'unnecessary' jobs. We now agree the list of things to be done and who is going to do them and it stops me getting stressed if he starts oiling a squeaky door or whatever.

This so resonates!!!

Sounds like us, only I work 30 hrs per week, two DS.

Dp is contracted to do 4 shifts per week, minimum length of shift is 12 hours, sometimes as long as 15 hrs, he ifte

Block off 2 hrs. Get on Amazon. Also grab X amount of luxury biscuits in the next shop for the dog walker etc.

Honestly I could have your list sorted in a few hrs. The wrapping I would block off another hour some evening next week. With a glass of wine.

Don't over think this shit.

The think is I can ask him to do more but I have to send links or he will need me to tell him exactly what to do

Well obviously this is your problem. He sounds like a bit of a man-child.

Even so, I would leave all of his family's presents to him.

I think part of it is to just care a bit less - if he gets his family members a rubbish present, or nothing at all, that's not on you. It's his responsibility.

There's also no reason he can't do wrapping and write cards surely.

I do everything apart from my own and MIL's present. I don't work though, I'm a SAHM.

Ours is a fairly even split. He's in charge of the main bits of food and drinks - ordering, shopping and cooking breakfast and Christmas lunch on the day. I'm going to look up some nice sides and a pudding that I can make ahead so we're not attempting too much in the kitchen on one day.

I've mainly taken charge of presents although he's done his parents (my side of the family is a lot larger). I'm doing stockings for him, DS and his DM and her partner, because I like doing them. He's obviously doing my stocking and presents.

We've jointly decided on and bought presents for DS.

I'll be doing the wrapping as I'm better at it. I'll be doing most of the cleaning/sorting the house out as I'm on maternity leave. He'll clean the bathrooms before guests arrive as I'll be 39 weeks pregnant and leaning over the bath is killing my back.

It doesn't feel like it'll be too stressful at the moment, we're usually pretty good at splitting things between us.

@DBI78

How do you guys share the additional Xmas mental load? I work 10 hours a work plus at home with ds. Oh works 40 hours a week plus 90min commute. OH todo list- My pressies and card His parents pressie Our ds main pressie Wrap my pressies and sign card My list - Oh pressies Ds other pressies 2 x dd pressies My dad Sil + bil 5 x nieces and nephews My sister Teachers School club Dog walker All cards Order food Wrap all pressies Plus much more I'm sure!! The think is I can ask him to do more but I have to send links or he will need me to tell him exactly what to do. What's your households like?

Well, what’s the “much more in sure”?

Because the devil is in the detail, and what you’ve said seems fair.

On the face of it, you’re working 10 hours to his 47.5 - of course you have more time. Lots more. But are you going to drip feed that your son needs constant supervision?

The list does sound like you’re making a meal of it. Is present for teacher, school club and dog walker really three lots of “mental load”? In my world, that’s two boxes of Lindor and a big sharing tin of Roses for club. Done. One thought, one shopping trip (from the supermarket that I was going to anyway).

The only thing here that makes me raise an eyebrow is the SIL/BIL and their kids - sounds like his side of the family? In our house, we each deal with our own family. We both work full time though.

Top tip: your husband does not need links or to be directed for things he wants to do. Leave him to it. Seriously - stop and think about how you’re infantilising him there. He’s not a child. If he chooses not to do his job (say, choosing a present for his nephew) then the nephew doesn’t get a present. Stop enabling that shit!

I do the presents because I enjoy it. If I can't be bothered to do his side of the family then obviously dp does it. Quite often I do t mind though.

Dp does at least half the cleaning and cooking.

Sorry phone playing up

Dp is contacted to do 4 shifts per week minimum length 12 hrs, often up to 15 hrs and often starts work at 4am. I am contracted to work 2x 12 hour shifts per week again often they are much longer but on average 13-14 hrs. We both do overtime, usually I do the most overtime at this time of year as there's more available for me and so dtimes they run pay incentives. I usually set a budget for D's presents and buy and wrap them all, I do my own family cards, his family is massive and I leave it to him but do remind him to write and post them. I make a Xmas food shopping list but he's the ones that goes and buys it all. He gets the decorations down, I do the tree and he's does everything else. Christmas Eve we both put all the presents out and fill D's stocking, Christmas day he makes breakfast and chops up veg, I cook the dinner. I think our split is pretty fair. Some Christmases I have to work in which case he has to do the entire day by himself for D's, we have had it on an alternative day in the past but D's is old enough to know when it is supposed to be now.

Not sure why all people like dog walkers and teachers are yours…
But I’d say simplify and do stuff in a bulk .Eg, ten people on the list are getting a posh box of chocolates or bottle of wine with a card saying with love at Christmas , signed. Then just order from m&s online or somewhere.

I buy and wrap for my side of the family, he does his. We have no input into each other's sides and I've no idea what he even gets them.

food - we usually just go to the supermarket together, probably on christmas eve and just get what we need.

and that's it.

I don't think there is much of a mental load, really.