AIBU? Christmas mental load

[DBI78]

How do you guys share the additional Xmas mental load? I work 10 hours a work plus at home with ds. Oh works 40 hours a week plus 90min commute.
OH todo list-
My pressies and card
His parents pressie
Our ds main pressie
Wrap my pressies and sign card
My list -
Oh pressies
Ds other pressies
2 x dd pressies
My dad
Sil + bil
5 x nieces and nephews
My sister
Teachers
School club
Dog walker
All cards
Order food
Wrap all pressies
Plus much more I'm sure!!
The think is I can ask him to do more but I have to send links or he will need me to tell him exactly what to do.
What's your households like?

I work 36 hours and lone parent my DD. Order stuff online, wrap gifts at night, do the bare minimum, try not to stress.*

^^
This is me!

Have you read the man who has it all web page / Facebook / Twitter

m.facebook.com/MANWHOHASITALL/

It’s brilliant and demonstrates this really well by swapping the sexes (this is the bit on Christmas jobs)

I think a lot of the 'mental load' is about identifying what needs doing.

However if you keep lists and get them out again each year as the starting point, the mental load decreases considerably.

eg Working out who you want to send cards to. It's a bit of an effort starting from scratch. Much easier to get last year's list and update it with new partners, removing who has died, adding new friends.

Similarly we used to (pre-covid) host a big family get together soon after Christmas. I don't re-invent the wheel each time. I get out 'the list' , and adapt it for changing numbers and swap in/out a dish or two. No way do we start from scratch each time.

@UsernameInTheTown

I do what I enjoy and delegate the rest to DP. I am neither mug nor martyr.

Yup. Or I just don't bother doing it.

My house is I work 35 hours him 40. I do all Xmas things (his family and mine and the kids) I do all wrapping, planning, prep. He does all cleaning in the house, I do all cooking, we share school runs. I like doing it though.

@HunterGatherer

I work 30hours a week DH does 40 but he has much longer holidays so we do the same number of hours per year. Christmas is entirely my responsibility as he genuinely is crap at it. I remember one year he decided to help with stockingfillers and came back with 3 new laptops (one for each child). When their main presents were already wrapped. This year his sole contribution is a tin of shortbread but its safer that way. In his defence he is very good at cleaning, maintaining the house and cars, walking the dog and being a taxi driver.

He sounds great I need a laptop 😂😂

I tend to do most of the mental load but I’m a sahm so its part of my role in our house. I do delegate some large areas to DH and he does presents and cards for his family. I’ve been trying to follow TOMM Christmas planning and we use shared notes on our phone so we know what we both need to do.

I only send about 4 cards.

Why are you shopping and wrapping for HIS siblings? Tell him that anything to do with his family is his job.

Agree with Mariammah.
Why are you doing so much too?
Surely no one is forcing you to and if you cut back and made an list of jobs dividing it between you and your DP, you would be happier?
You don't need to send him links etc...just leave him to it and relax!

He works a 30 hour week. Two school pick ups. Cooks 80% of meals. Puts out bins (sometimes). Christmas related, he buys my present.

I work upwards of a 40 hour week, do all school drop offs and three pick ups, walk the dogs, clean and feed other small animals, do all cleaning, ironing and laundry. I cook 20% of meals for us. I sort most of the bills. I buy all of the presents and sort everything Christmas related (I.e days out, Christmas shopping time slots, the bloody elf). I also do one Christmas activity a day with our daughter. I don't really get a break to be honest but it's just one month. I would love to have more hours in the day or more time to myself.

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

Ordering food takes five maybe ten minutes. Whose family are the nieces and nephews from? We wrap together usually in front of a film. We buy for our own families and discuss DS together. This year we did it together in the car on the way to PIL, discussed what to get for whom he drove while I ordered. Took less than the two hour journey. I did the cards this year, we did them together last year. He does anything that involves getting up a ladder. If we're eating at home he helps with veg prep etc but I cook, he lays the table with DS and cleans away/does the dishwasher/brings me wine. Things like teacher and dog walker surely you just pick something up while grocery shopping. Given you only work ten hours a week you have the time to order a few more Christmas presents surely

Tbf he will probably collect the food! One his side rest my side on nieces and nephews. We could wrap together but he is really slow I'm talking one to my three presents so I'll still do most

@Badnightguaranteed

Not sure why all people like dog walkers and teachers are yours… But I’d say simplify and do stuff in a bulk .Eg, ten people on the list are getting a posh box of chocolates or bottle of wine with a card saying with love at Christmas , signed. Then just order from m&s online or somewhere.

Presumably because as OP works 10 hours compared to his 47.5 (inc commute) she is the person that (a) has more time and (b) actually comes into contact with those people?

Of course whether you see the teacher at pick up or not, you can still think of and buy that box of Lindor (no need to wrap) - but it makes sense that the parent who “does” school would make sure that happens.

Working hours aren’t the full story. If you have a high needs child home all day, then sure it’s easier for the long working hours parent to spend their lunch hour in a quiet office on Amazon. But generally, I think it’s perfectly normal and reasonable for the parent at home more, to do more Xmas bits.

But that parent at home more needs to not create a huge drama over it. Buying some boxes of chocolates isn’t hard.

If it's not going to benefit your Christmas, just don't do it.

I've done my family gifts, he's done his.
I've wrapped (because he's shit).
He's doing the food shop.
I've done the cards.

That's it, isn't it?

He works full time, I'm on maternity leave.

I don't understand all the stress. Xmas is supposed to be fun.

@Cocomarine yeah I do have a high needs child so times he's home are a no no. iWork two days in schools hours so home three

I do almost all of it but it isn't difficult, except for the actual Christmas dinner that can be a bit stressful if you want to go all out.

It's basically just buying and wrapping presents. I start at the beginning of November so I have all the presents at home, hidden in the wardrobe by beginning of Dec. Then I wrap stuff whenever the opportunity arises. I haven't actually wrapped anything yet lol.

DH sorts of presents for his own family, but I think that's fairly normal. If he's struggling to think of something he will discuss with me and I'll try and chip in some ideas and look at stuff with him, but he does exactly the same thing for me if I'm stuck for someone on my side.

I think people really overcomplicate Christmas when they don't need to. It's basically putting some decorations up, buying and wrapping some presents, and having a special meal which may involve extra guests.

I do it all
Cards
Decs
Presents
Stockings
Family gifts
Food
Outings and treats etc
Christmas jumpers
Baking

He swoops in last minute with costly gift on Christmas morning and steals the joy

Single parent by the way

To be honest I don't know how anyone can be bothered keeping track in so much detail.

My dp helps or sorts the kids big presents, my present and his family. I do the rest. We both work full time and have 3 kids. You work what? 1 full day or 2 half days? You could get all your gifts bought in one day (and that's going out to buy them) and the rest done the next day . Tell him to wrap some presents for the kids.

I do it all by choice, dh would be happy to help but I prefer to do it and know where I am with everything. The one year I asked him to fill stocking while I did a night shift he put one dc main gift in (always under the tree normally) and just chocolate for the others as it didn't look full enough!

[quote DBI78]@Cocomarine yeah I do have a high needs child so times he's home are a no no. iWork two days in schools hours so home three[/quote]
That makes a big difference to available time.

So your “free” time (I mean for doing things, not only for lying on the sofa eating grapes ) is what? Because you mention school club but only work in school hours.
But it sounds like you have at least 09:30-14:30 free, 3 days a week, that your husband doesn’t?

I would definitely expect my partner to do more of our joints tasks in that case. So - the food for example, but not buying presents for my family.

But then, we have fair amount of free time because away from the Xmas discussion, we pull our weight fairly on all other tasks.

I’m currently WFH next to his pile of beautifully wrapped presents for his family. I’ve bought fuck all so far 🤣

I do it all, apart from DH doing my gifts and being involved in decisions re what to get his sister who we both adore, his niece and great nephews. DH would happily do anything I wanted him to, but I find it far more relaxing for me to do it all beforehand and then happily hand him the reigns of dealing with overexcited kids/batteries/instructions etc on the Day itself. We make a really good team. Are you content with how your situation is working? That’s what matters.

@SimpsonsXmasBoogie I completely agree! People definitely over complicate it.

I think on the “mental load” side, a lot of it comes from extras that one person chooses, and the other person simply doesn’t.

It’s not like housework, where no - lazy arse partner, you don’t get to opt out of there being clean clothes, no mould in the bathroom, and food to eat.

The list meme posted above is funny and thought provoking - I love that group. But… home made Xmas crackers? Bad example. If you want them, and your partner doesn’t give a shit about them, then it’s not unfair mental load (or time load) if you choose to do them.

Also, a lot of the chosen activities are fun. Or they’re supposed to be! Xmas baking with the kids? If that’s a chore for you, don’t do it. I wouldn’t consider that any kind of “load” on me, because I love doing that. I can’t be arsed with cooking - my husband doesn’t feel dumped on, because he enjoys it.

So much depends on your year round relationship. I’m not being smug - I’m on my second marriage as I definitely didn’t have the right balance first time round 🤣

If your partner is fair day to day, you’ll simply never make the mental list of who is doing more or less for Xmas.

We both work similar hours but I have a longer commute (c.5hours/week).

We have a shared list on our phones which I generally add to, with links where possible. OH does Amazon purchases, if I’m out and see something suitable eg SIL pyjamas I’ll buy or we will look together. We have rough budgets for each person.

Yesterday he wrapped 90% while I removed price labels, wrote the cards/gift tags and added ribbons?

The shared list is a year round thing- makes Xmas and birthdays much less stressful!

We’re away for Christmas but I would write the food list and we would probably go together. But food (and wine) is my thing.

Stop parenting your husband. He needs to pull his weight

I work 35 hrs a week, my dh works 65hrs a week

I buy and wrap all pressies
We both go to Poundland to get the kids stocking fillers - I will wrap
We do a shopping list - dh will buy on his way home from work
Dh will cook Xmas dinner
I will cook all other days
I will clean and tidy the house, dh will pitch in if needed
Dh walks the dogs
I take dc to clubs etc

One of the reasons I adore him, is he takes on the mental load for everything, as do I, I love a list, so we'll sit down and write a list and we'll agree who's doing what.

He loves walking, and is an early bird, so he walks the dogs first thing. I love standing and watching my dd horse riding so I'll take her and stand and watch. He also drives for a living, so any ferrying about for the dc's I'll do. We work well.

Get an organiser app, sit down together and input all the tasks, then discuss how to share them out in the most practical and equitable way. The answer won’t be the same for everyone and working it out together is the first step in sharing the mental load anyway. A shared app means you won’t have to be managing him and you both have access to the same information in real time.