"What if the reason why we're all burned out is because the productivity norms of our profession are based on white men whose wives who took care of everything"

[flashbac]

Not my words. Saw it on Twitter and it made me think.

twitter.com/AmyAchenbach/status/1470394756844957702?t=K01WWVnQE2WPIQl80rZUyw&s=19

To @NinjaTuna and all the others doing it all with none of the recognition.

I was the same. My first 16 years of being a parent have been a nightmare. The pressure put mainly on me was unbearable DH just washed his hands of all the domestic stuff and left me to it. He didn't care much about the house being a mess or eating frozen dinners. Without me the kids’ home life would have been shitty.

I had so much potential!! Much more than he did. Now I’m too old and I’m tired to realise it.

Yep.

Same here. I was somehow convinced it was my fault for not managing it all too…

And I remember very clearly MN telling me DH was like a hero because he was looking after his twi dcs on his own every other weekend. Because you know, I was working….
Never mind he didn’t do a thing the rest of the time and he was most pissed off he had to do it ‘because that’s hard work’.

@Angleton

That’s exactly what happened to me. I had very few domestic duties so I wasn’t trapped by them. I was free to work and live my life. I thought I was equal. But as soon as those domestic duties materialised (i.e. when I had kids) they were dumped on me and I realised I wasn’t equal at all.

Same here! I even foresaw this problem to an extent and tried to ensure that my husband and I were on the same page about things. We had a comfortable combined income and easily could have afforded to pay for childcare and household help - but he saw this as my job and he was livid that I would try to allocate "his" money for such things when I was around.

I ended up having to leave because of his misogyny and bullying

Agree with all that being said

Key is to try and marry someone egalitarian, live / work locally & both earn a lot so can outsource laundry, cleaning (we have twice a week), diy jobs etc. now DH wfh is easier too as does more child activities and school runs than I do

Set it up right and keep driving your career and you win. If you go part time and become a low earner, you lose power and I honestly don't think men respect their none / low earning wives very much. Respect is key. It can be done I know many Frienss and colleagues all work ft with kids and well paid (£60k +). It's changed for the current under 40s generation.