New man - do I tell him about anxiety?

Jasmine89 · 2021-12-14T02:09:26+00:00

I suffer with terrible health anxiety, the sort that makes it impossible to function normally if I’m really worried about something. I’ve been seeing a new man for a couple of months and really like him and he seems very keen on me indeed. Up until recently my anxiety’s been ok but in the last few days a new symptom has cropped up and I’m absolutely terrified it’s something serious. I can feel myself falling apart and don’t know what I should do in relation to him. I either need to tell him what’s going on (and he has so far proved himself to be incredibly caring and supportive) but risk him running for the hills or try and avoid seeing him until my current scare blows over. Of course I’ve convinced myself it’s incurable cancer though...If I do the latter he’ll think I’ve got cold feet and will be really upset and confused. I have to do one or the other; there’s no way I can carry on seeing him pretending that everything’s ok. As it is it’s 2am and I’m so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. What should I do?

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 14/12/2021 02:26

I'd tell him. I suffer from anxiety and have for years I find the best way is just be open and honest about it.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 02:33

I want to I think but it’s just so soon....

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Monty27 · 14/12/2021 02:37

It's too soon imho. You don't know each other that well.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 02:42

But if I don’t tell him I can’t see him, it’s as simple as that. I suppose I could tell him it’s not fair on him to have to deal with this period of anxiety (and I’ll be fine once this issue resolves) and let him go, if he so wishes.

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SqiggleWiggle · 14/12/2021 02:58

I've had health anxiety but obviously not suffering as bad as you as I don't understand why you have to stop seeing him. When I had these episodes I still went to uni and work and spent time with other people, I hid it from everyone, except my mum (who has ocd and understands). So I wouldn't have told him, but if you have to stop seeing him whilst this is happening then maybe you'll have to, depending on how long it will be until you see a dr/resolve it. With my social anxiety and germ phobia I would have to tell the guy, I wouldn't be able to hide those.

SqiggleWiggle · 14/12/2021 03:01

*until you see a dr for the symptom that is causing you anxiety/the issue or episode resolves

RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 14/12/2021 03:22

Are you seeking help for your anxiety?
I have anxiety too and the attached strategy helps me at times when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

It might be best to tell him you have anxiety and explain you can’t see him at the moment and it’s not because you don’t want to, it’s just until you get through this period.

KosherDill · 14/12/2021 03:25

Too soon I'm afraid.

A couple of months is a bare acquaintance.

AgentProvocateur · 14/12/2021 03:28

Too soon. He might run for the hills.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 03:33

That might be the best way @RedSquirrelsAreAwesome. And hope he still wants to see me when I’m better. But of course he might just not want to be involved with someone who has an issue like this. Yes have sought all sorts of help and never been offered anything useful. The thing is if I got up tomorrow and my symptom had resolved, I’d be right as rain. I just don’t get it how normal people function and don’t get floored by health worries. I’m so envious....

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Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 03:36

He could no matter what I do @AgentProvocateur. Perhaps I have to accept I can’t be in a relationship because if my MH issues. So sad, I’ve been single for such a long time (bit because of this) and it’s been lovely to meet someone new who seems so interested in me.

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RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 14/12/2021 03:39

@Jasmine89

That might be the best way *@RedSquirrelsAreAwesome*. And hope he still wants to see me when I’m better. But of course he might just not want to be involved with someone who has an issue like this. Yes have sought all sorts of help and never been offered anything useful. The thing is if I got up tomorrow and my symptom had resolved, I’d be right as rain. I just don’t get it how normal people function and don’t get floored by health worries. I’m so envious....

Keep trying to seek help, it might be that you just haven’t found the one therapy that works for you yet. If he is a keeper he will understand and be there for you. Most people do worry about health issues but it doesn’t completely floor them unless it is something really serious. Can you pinpoint when it started?

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 03:49

I’ve had it a few years but really bad for the last couple. I will keep trying to find help but can’t afford to pay and the NHS is hopeless for people like me. I think I’m going to give him the option of not seeing me while I’m like this and see what happens. I had a telephone consultation with my GP today about this after having sent them a photo (I have a rash in my armpit) and was hoping he’d say it was nothing. Instead he’s prescribed some cream and booked me a face to face appointment for Friday to have a look at it and do a breast exam too. He pretty certain it’s dermatological but I’m terrified it might be inflammatory breast cancer. Although this always seems to involve the breast and not the armpit.

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RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 14/12/2021 04:11

@Jasmine89

I’ve had it a few years but really bad for the last couple. I will keep trying to find help but can’t afford to pay and the NHS is hopeless for people like me. I think I’m going to give him the option of not seeing me while I’m like this and see what happens. I had a telephone consultation with my GP today about this after having sent them a photo (I have a rash in my armpit) and was hoping he’d say it was nothing. Instead he’s prescribed some cream and booked me a face to face appointment for Friday to have a look at it and do a breast exam too. He pretty certain it’s dermatological but I’m terrified it might be inflammatory breast cancer. Although this always seems to involve the breast and not the armpit.

Make sure you speak to the GP about your severe health anxiety and how it is really impacting on your life. Have you tried any form of anxiety medication?

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 06:29

My GP knows all about it, she calls me once a month to see how I am and is lovely. I’ve been in every anti-anxiety under the sun and nothing really helps unfortunately. So what do I do about him? We’re supposed to be meeting later for a dog walk but feel I should make an excuse and cancel and buy myself some time.

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Lampadoo123 · 14/12/2021 06:37

I’m really sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds completely overwhelming

I think that being honest is the only way forward, if it scares him off that is unfortunate but possibly for the best. It sounds like this is part of how you are (for the moment at least, without different help) and you must be ‘you’ and truly accepted for a relationship to work.

Otherwise, how will this work out in the long run? You will try to mask your symptoms and the way you really feel? That doesn’t sound like a nice way to live

I mean this with kindness, we need to be honest about ourselves and if someone doesn’t think that’s right for them then thank you, next. It’s especially hard when you have been single for a long time, and we always want people to like the very best of us. If he is the right one, explaining how you feel and why will be fine with him. Would you want to be with someone who couldn’t cope/didn’t want to help and understand you?

I hope your appointment goes well and your worries are unfounded. Good luck with the new man, I hope he’s a keeper x

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 06:40

You're going to have to tell him at some point if it's going to work out. Might as well tell him now and his reaction will tell you if it's worth carrying on. If I were him and you waited until like a year in I think I'd feel a little 'tricked' like you'd waited until he was super attached to you before sharing the 'bad'.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 06:40

@Jasmine89

My GP knows all about it, she calls me once a month to see how I am and is lovely. I’ve been in every anti-anxiety under the sun and nothing really helps unfortunately. So what do I do about him? We’re supposed to be meeting later for a dog walk but feel I should make an excuse and cancel and buy myself some time.

For now just say you're not feeling great. But next time you see him i'd let him know.

Lampadoo123 · 14/12/2021 06:41

Just read your update, if you’re feeling especially bad today (and after bit much sleep) maybe rain check the dog walk - you can always say you’re getting a PCR or something.

If this gives you some room to feel better in your head, maybe you can then broach the subject when you are feeling a little stronger

X

RobertSmithsLipstick · 14/12/2021 06:45

He will appreciate being told, rather than wondering what's going on, or if he has upset you in any way.
I'm sure he'll also appreciate that you are seeking help and recognise your issues.
Best to tell him, I'd say.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 06:56

Morning and thanks so much for your posts. I haven’t slept and will need to cancel and will probably make an excuse for now and tell him properly next time. I’m also going to cancel a supper I was supposed to be having tomorrow night and luckily I have already booked leave at work this week, otherwise I’d be calling in sick.
Grown-up DD is visiting at the weekend, she knows about my anxiety so I can be open with her.

I’m dreading Christmas, because I think I’ll be waiting for cancer tests etc and just want to be sedated until it’s all over. I’m a medical secretary and know that cancer services are in complete disarray due to Covid and that doesn’t help. It’s awful how this thing is hijacking my life and I wish I could get on top of it.

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Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 06:58

Love what you said @Lampadoo123, it sounds like you really understand me.

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jackiebenimble · 14/12/2021 06:59

Go for the dog walk. Getting out into nature is a great way to soothe anxiety and distract yourself. If each time you are anxious you close yourself off from the world then you are making your world very small. This makes the anxiety seem bigger.

Im not sure why the options are those extremes ie tell him or dont see him.

Go for the walk and see how it goes. If after half an hour or so you still havent relaxed even a little bit then say something.

But id keep it very light. 'Im so sorry i am a little distracted today. I have something on my mind which is worrying me and i am feeling quite anxious. Please dont think i am being off or not enjoying myself'

If he then asks for more
Details/depending on how he reacts i would judge whether i went any further. That might be enough. If he ever follows up you can introduce a little more detail.

The best way to avoid him running a mile is also to show what you are doing to get treatment. So id open up a thread on here so that all the other people with health anxiety can help you out with what treatment has helped them.

TheSadLady · 14/12/2021 07:02

I’m married to a person with anxiety and it’s brought us to the brink of splitting up. It’s made my life incredibly hard.

I would NEVER date someone with anxiety or any type of mental health issue. I will be advising my DC this. I’m sorry if that sounds horrible and it is, but my experience has been horrible too. So I feel you must be honest with him and let him decide if it’s a deal breaker.

In the meantime please get help. Even if you have to on beans to pay for it.

Original poster

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 07:08

Thanks a lot @TheSadLady, that’s made me feel even worse. I’m very sorry for your situation but your comment has not been helpful.

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