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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man - do I tell him about anxiety?

65 replies

Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 02:09

I suffer with terrible health anxiety, the sort that makes it impossible to function normally if I’m really worried about something. I’ve been seeing a new man for a couple of months and really like him and he seems very keen on me indeed. Up until recently my anxiety’s been ok but in the last few days a new symptom has cropped up and I’m absolutely terrified it’s something serious. I can feel myself falling apart and don’t know what I should do in relation to him. I either need to tell him what’s going on (and he has so far proved himself to be incredibly caring and supportive) but risk him running for the hills or try and avoid seeing him until my current scare blows over. Of course I’ve convinced myself it’s incurable cancer though...If I do the latter he’ll think I’ve got cold feet and will be really upset and confused.

I have to do one or the other; there’s no way I can carry on seeing him pretending that everything’s ok. As it is it’s 2am and I’m so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 07:11

I know I’m failing everyone in my life and ruining my chances of happiness but your comment has made me want to jump off a high building.

OP posts:
OursonGuimauve · 14/12/2021 07:24

If you were having a bout of a physical illness would you dump him so he didn't have to deal with you? If you were in denial about what you were dealing with that would be one thing but you are so clear about what's going on and what will bring this bout of anxiety to an end, you can get to the end of this! No guarantees in life that anything will work out and you should tell him (I have anxiety, I'm having a bout of it at the moment, we won't enjoy each others company for a while, can we meet up in a little bit when I am feeling better) but you don't have to hit the big red button, why not just see how it goes

WhatInFreshHell · 14/12/2021 07:26

@TheSadLady

I’m married to a person with anxiety and it’s brought us to the brink of splitting up. It’s made my life incredibly hard.

I would NEVER date someone with anxiety or any type of mental health issue. I will be advising my DC this. I’m sorry if that sounds horrible and it is, but my experience has been horrible too. So I feel you must be honest with him and let him decide if it’s a deal breaker.

In the meantime please get help. Even if you have to on beans to pay for it.

Horrible post.
User2638483 · 14/12/2021 07:31

I think if you can get through this episode it would be better to speak to him about it when you’re not in an episode, if that makes sense.

But if this episode goes on and it comes to the point where he’s going to go anyway because he thinks you’re not interested anymore/keep cancelling, then you haven’t got anything to lose by being honest and that would be better x

belimoo · 14/12/2021 07:32

@Jasmine89 please try to ignore that awful poster. Their poor partner.

You sound like a lovely person with lots to offer, try to remember that. You are not your anxiety and it isn't your fault that you feel the way you do.

Have you tried any medication? A friend of mine was barely able to leave the house due to their anxiety and is now doing so much better after taking an antidepressant which is right for her. Best of luck Thanks

User2638483 · 14/12/2021 07:33

(I have anxiety, I'm having a bout of it at the moment, we won't enjoy each others company for a while, can we meet up in a little bit when I am feeling better)
And agree this sort of thing is good!

And also agree that you have got this, you’ve got amazing insight into your issue and are very self aware about it x

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 07:39

Oh reading your lovely posts after that horrible one has made me cry, thank you. I’m on the fence about what to do later, a walk might do me good and I can gauge if I should say anything. But I need some sleep first! But I’m not sure. Do you know what SSRI your friend is on @User2638483?

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 14/12/2021 07:39

As it is it’s 2am and I’m so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. What should I do?
Get help for your anxiety that works. Medication, therapy, something, but if you find it this debilitating then you really need to take action to improve the primary issue.

BeepBoopBop · 14/12/2021 07:46

@TheSadLady

I’m married to a person with anxiety and it’s brought us to the brink of splitting up. It’s made my life incredibly hard.

I would NEVER date someone with anxiety or any type of mental health issue. I will be advising my DC this. I’m sorry if that sounds horrible and it is, but my experience has been horrible too. So I feel you must be honest with him and let him decide if it’s a deal breaker.

In the meantime please get help. Even if you have to on beans to pay for it.

Well that's nice! I don't think this was called for.

BeepBoopBop · 14/12/2021 07:53

So sorry I repeated the post OP. There maybe many other reasons they were brought to the brink, because if he was otherwise a great partner it would not be a marriage breaker.

I would go for the walk as others have said, fresh air and exercise is good for the spirit. The dog is a great distraction so and discussion would be less intensely focused on you. I would tell him I was feeling concerned about a health issue and mention you get anxious. His reaction will let you know if he is worth keeping or not. I wouldn't go for full disclosure yet. In the meantime, recognise it is an anxious thought, it is part of my personality and that is all it is.

As an aside, try and research RTT. Could do wonders!! x

Violet19 · 14/12/2021 07:53

Sounds like you are in a tough place. I agree with Jackiebenimble. If you’re not too worn out I would go for the dog walk and apologise if you seem distracted. You can say you have a symptom you are worried about and have a tendency to worry and overthink these things. If he asks more you can go into it. If you really can’t face it then you can rearrange for another day and explain then.

I’m writing as someone who suffers with anxiety. It’s ok now but has been very bad at times.

A good partner will understand and be able to support you at these times. If he does run for the hills then he probably wouldn’t be a great partner for you long term anyway. You need a partner who is kind and understanding and who understands you are more than just your anxiety.

I know you say you’ve tried several options but have you tried longer term therapy. Many therapists have a few spaces for people who can only afford to pay a lower amount. And there are also some special projects or clinics around which offer low cost therapy. I also found mindfulness really helped me - there may be an MBCT 8 week course near you. It can help to stop the incessant thoughts going round and around.

Good luck with what you decide to do.

Separately to ‘TheSadLady’ - why would you say this to someone who is feeling awful? Do you think that is helpful? Or were you being intentionally cruel? And advising your children not to date anyone with mental health issues? And what if your children develop mental health problems?

Sunnysideup999 · 14/12/2021 07:56

Don’t make an excuse. Tell him.

galacticpixels · 14/12/2021 07:59

I don't have any advice but wanted to post after seeing that upsetting comment. I have an anxiety disorder and told my partner early on (it was kind of obvious really) and he has never been anything but patient and understanding. I've also had an ex who was very understanding and kind. So it's certainly possible to find a supportive partner and in my opinion not necessary to hide this part of yourself - you don't need to go into detail or anything.

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 08:09

I’m glad you’re with someone kind @galacticpixels and so far this man has been nothing but kind and understanding. Other people who know him have said the same of him.

OP posts:
flowery · 14/12/2021 08:30

If he would run for the hills it’s better to know that now, before you get more invested. Most people wouldn’t dream of writing off someone for a relationship because of some mental health issues. It sounds to me as though he would be understanding and patient.

Wolfiefan · 14/12/2021 08:33

You must keep pushing for MH help from your GP. See a different one if you need to. Keep asking. Escalate if you have to.

ElectraBlue · 14/12/2021 08:43

I would definitely tell him.

Your anxiety affects your behaviour. It is likely that if you don't tell him, he will be confused as to why you are acting in a particular way and might start thinking that it could be something that he has done/said that's affecting you or that you don't feel comfortable with him.

Better to be open now and explain calmly what you feel and how it affects your daily life.

Some men won't be able to cope, others will be understanding. Better to know now than invest in the relationship only to have him disappear in a few months.

You have done nothing wrong and you did not decide to be affected by anxiety.

If you avoid him without explanation, he will simply think that you don't want to see him and you are likely to lose him.

Ignore the people who are telling you it is too soon.

I have issues with mental health/childhood trauma and I have learned that as this can affect my relationships it is better to be honest about it early. I don't go into too many details with the person, I simply state that I need a lot of 'alone time' and that I need to feel relaxed and secure to open up with someone else. If someone can't cope with it, it is perfectly fine, they are just not the right person for me.

There should be local charities that offer counselling and support for people with anxiety. Have a look at your local MIND for example.

Original poster
Jasmine89 · 14/12/2021 08:48

Thank you @ElectraBlue. I appreciate your advice very much and sounds like you manage very well.

OP posts:
Thwackit · 14/12/2021 08:54

I think I would tell him but I’d try to keep the language more factual than saying things like ‘terrified’ etc. Say you have anxiety about health issues and you understand that it can make you very preoccupied and a bit difficult for people to know what to do, so could you see him once you’ve had your appointment. I don’t think you need to explain it to someone you don’t know well in a highly emotive make-or-break scenario kind of way.

belimoo · 14/12/2021 08:54

I'm not sure whether you maybe meant to ask me about which medication my friend is on? If so it's called clomipramine.

She said there were some side effects for the first two weeks but that the effects were nowhere near as bad as how awful feeling anxious is. By four weeks in she was feeling hugely better.

I think that particular medication is especially good for OCD symptoms and I'm not sure whether health anxiety falls within that category so that may not be the first one to try but I do think you should ask your GP whether something like that might help you given what an impact this is having on your life.

I know it's hard to imagine when you're in the midst of it but this really can get better.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/12/2021 08:57

@Jasmine89

Thanks a lot *@TheSadLady*, that’s made me feel even worse. I’m very sorry for your situation but your comment has not been helpful.
Please don’t take that one comment to heart. I have struggled with the pandemic colliding with perimenopause and DH and DS have had to cope with my GAD flaring up more frequently. However, they have never made me feel anything other than loved, cared for and wanted. If your BF is a keeper, he’ll do the same.
Nsky · 14/12/2021 09:00

Go and gently tell him when you are ready, it’s part of you, nothing to ashamed of.
If he’s lovely, he will understand

Stormyinacoffeemug · 14/12/2021 09:05

@TheSadLady

I’m married to a person with anxiety and it’s brought us to the brink of splitting up. It’s made my life incredibly hard.

I would NEVER date someone with anxiety or any type of mental health issue. I will be advising my DC this. I’m sorry if that sounds horrible and it is, but my experience has been horrible too. So I feel you must be honest with him and let him decide if it’s a deal breaker.

In the meantime please get help. Even if you have to on beans to pay for it.

I'm just about on the brink of coming out of a really difficult time with my depression and have read this. I can't even begin to describe how your words have made me feel, however, if I had read this while ill or even 24 hours ago it would have a much bigger impact and sent me spiralling straight back down into that pit of despair.

Your words have power, please be careful with them.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/12/2021 09:06

@Jasmine89

Morning and thanks so much for your posts. I haven’t slept and will need to cancel and will probably make an excuse for now and tell him properly next time. I’m also going to cancel a supper I was supposed to be having tomorrow night and luckily I have already booked leave at work this week, otherwise I’d be calling in sick. Grown-up DD is visiting at the weekend, she knows about my anxiety so I can be open with her.

I’m dreading Christmas, because I think I’ll be waiting for cancer tests etc and just want to be sedated until it’s all over. I’m a medical secretary and know that cancer services are in complete disarray due to Covid and that doesn’t help. It’s awful how this thing is hijacking my life and I wish I could get on top of it.

If youre a medical secretary in a large hospital-could you not informally approach the psychology department and ask if they have any recommendations what you can do, right now to help?

It must be so difficult for you working in a health dept w health anxietyFlowers.

A close relative had this. It was often completely overwhelming

TeenMinusTests · 14/12/2021 09:12

I’m a medical secretary

I can't help feeling that this job isn't ideal for someone with health anxiety. Is there any chance you could look for a new role outside the medical profession? (I know that it probably isn't as easy as I have made it sound.)

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