New man - do I tell him about anxiety?

[Jasmine89]

I suffer with terrible health anxiety, the sort that makes it impossible to function normally if I’m really worried about something. I’ve been seeing a new man for a couple of months and really like him and he seems very keen on me indeed. Up until recently my anxiety’s been ok but in the last few days a new symptom has cropped up and I’m absolutely terrified it’s something serious. I can feel myself falling apart and don’t know what I should do in relation to him. I either need to tell him what’s going on (and he has so far proved himself to be incredibly caring and supportive) but risk him running for the hills or try and avoid seeing him until my current scare blows over. Of course I’ve convinced myself it’s incurable cancer though...If I do the latter he’ll think I’ve got cold feet and will be really upset and confused.

I have to do one or the other; there’s no way I can carry on seeing him pretending that everything’s ok. As it is it’s 2am and I’m so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. What should I do?

@Jasmine89

Thanks a lot *@TheSadLady*, that’s made me feel even worse. I’m very sorry for your situation but your comment has not been helpful.

To balance it out, I have a close friend who suffers from health anxiety who's been in a loving and supportive relationship for five years now. I believe she told her BF fairly early on, in a period when it wasn't affecting her so she could be matter-of-fact about it.

I'd advise you to tell him. Choose the format you feel you can best express yourself whether email or messaging. Just be clear and calm - you have this medical condition, you're being treated for it, but it's flaring up right now and that's why you can't see him. You don't need to go into all the gory emotional details (save that for if the relationship gets deeper). Imagine it was eczema or something. It's a medical condition that you're managing - it's not a reflection of your character.

Don't avoid seeing him without an explanation, that forces him to guess/speculate, and in his position I'd just assume you were ghosting me.

OP, you sound really nice. You appear to have a lot of the same fears as me. Could I gently suggest that your health anxiety is causing these fears in relation to your new relationship. Like a PP has said, maybe you need to make it through this episode first before you make any decisions or react in a way you may regret. I am guilty of this and when I get out the other side I often feel that what I decided while I was suffering felt like the best thing at the time to protect myself but then I regret it. Remember, when our anxiety is raised, we go into fight or flight and do what we can to prevent further hurt to ourselves. That's not always the best situation to be in when making life decisions.

Take some time, repair, then reflect.

Do I sound nice? Thank you 🙏 I do want to be calm when I tell him properly and reassure him that I have insight and am always trying to get help.

The best time to let a new partner know about a long-term MH problem is when it affects your relationship for the first time. That is happening now. Violet19's approach to telling him - not in an extreme way, but a gentle practical way - sounds about right. It's what I would want to hear from a potential partner.

I would be open about it. Either he loves (or I guess likes, after such a short time) you for who you are, or he doesn't. What's the point in pretending? There's nothing wrong or shameful about having anxiety. It's a health condition, and he'll cope with it or he won't. Just like if you had kidney disease or a brain tumour.

That being said, I do see where @TheSadLady is coming from. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with their post. But my MH problems have severely impacted our lives, and sometimes I look at my wonderful, caring, supportive husband and think 'fuck, you deserve so much better than me'. Which is probably my anxiety talking again. Or maybe that's just me trying to deny the reality that his life is severely impacted by having me in it. Yup, crippling anxiety is a fucker

Wow. Everyone that's saying its too soon he might actually run for the hills is not OK. How would you feel if you lead someone on to believe your totally fine ? I have crippling anxiety and depression and i told my partner of 5 years now straight away! Thag would be so so selfish of me roping him into a relationship where he thinks I'm fine then months down the line he realises I've lied for so long and he's in too deep now he would feel like he wouldn't want to leave me because of my anxiety but also cannot deal with it for his own personal problems too. What if the guy your seeing has problems to where he can't physically deal with someone else's? Incredibly selfish of other posters to say not to tell him. First lie of a relationship what a great start.

He’s quite young and although he’s fit and healthy, has had not one but two strokes and can’t drive. Very open about it. It’s funny that disclosing an MH problem is so much more difficult....

I think @TheSadLady's post was helpful. She answered OP's question directly and honestly, it just wasn't a nice thing to hear.

I also would not want to date someone with a serious mental health issue, especially one that would demand a lot of emotional labour from me. I've done it before, and won't again, so I would appreciate it if my partner told me early on so I could decide for myself if I needed to end things.

@Jasmine89

He’s quite young and although he’s fit and healthy, has had not one but two strokes and can’t drive. Very open about it. It’s funny that disclosing an MH problem is so much more difficult....

He might understand more than you think then. It's much much harder for you to tell him than it will be for him to hear it if that helps?

It does help, thank you @CheesyFootballsAreEvil

Hi Jasmine how are you today? Did you go on the dog walk?

Morning @Stormyinacoffeemug, thank you for checking in! I did and it did me good. I called the GP again though to ask for some Diazepam and reassurance that my red patch was not a symptom of IBC and he said it definitely wasn’t. So that meant I could function again but I’m well aware that this horrible affliction could floor me at any moment and I need to get on top of it. Thank you so much for your support, it really helped.

Have you had CBT OP? Have you tried every possible medication? You can't give up on getting this sorted OP it's gradually taking over your life more and more. Keep pushing for help, a kindly GP who rings you but doesn't bother trying everything possible to resolve the problem may not be as helpful as you think (maybe they have tried everything I can't be sure, just don't allow yourself to be fobbed off because they do it nicely).

Great to hear your doing a bit better.

@Tal45 I hear what you’re saying. I’ve tried every SSRI and also Pregabalin and also had numerous courses of CBT and also counselling. I’ve decided to ask the GP to be put on a low dose anti-psychotic such as Quetiapine as these help with obtrusive thoughts. My brother takes it and it’s been a game changer for him. You’re right, it’s taking over my life more and more and each time I have a health scare, it gets worse. It’s spoiling my relationships which saddens me so much. Thank you for your support and advice.