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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How are supposed to feel emotionally connected during sex?

55 replies

Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 15:45

I just don’t get it / feel it.
Ever.

I’ve heard ”sex is the glue (for the longest time I thought this was an euphemism for cum🤦🏻‍♀️ (sorry TMI)) for a relationship, brings couple together”…. etc

Can’t say I’ve felt it.
With anyone.

I hope I’m not weird.

OP posts:
ChangeChingyChange · 12/12/2021 15:47

Doesn't sound like you've "made love" OP, sounds like you've just had sex which doesn't need to be connecting emotionally. Have you ever been in love? Are you NT?

Original poster
Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 16:19

Not NT.

I have been in love. But I was young and naive.

OP posts:
PaperMonster · 12/12/2021 16:21

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Original poster
Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 16:23

@Justsotirednow

Not NT.

I have been in love. But I was young and naive.

I answered wrong.

I am NT.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/12/2021 16:23

I wouldn't say you were weird at all. You just haven't felt it.

What have your relationships been like?

Original poster
Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 16:24

@PaperMonster

Good to know I’m not the only one.

OP posts:
FedUpFelicia · 12/12/2021 16:25

Do you have an orgasm? Does your DP make an effort? I feel the glue Hmm but I can also recall every single time that I didn't get off, which is to say, it's rare. I think that definitely helps!

Thesearmsofmine · 12/12/2021 16:26

For me it isn’t the sex that brings the emotional connection(although I enjoy it). It’s afterwards.

greatape · 12/12/2021 16:39

I don't find sex the glue as in the sex act itself. Mr Ape is a jolly good sort in the sack and I enjoy the physical sensation very much. But that's it, physical sensation.

What it does do is it reminds me of the other dimension to our connection. So it's the sex that stops us being just house mates or best friends or parents (we are all those things).

Also orgasms cheer us both up.

PaperMonster · 12/12/2021 17:10

@Justsotirednow I think this is probably why I get bored with men tbh. I can’t maintain a long-term sexual relationship. I love sex and I love men - I want to try them all though!!!

Nanoo1234 · 12/12/2021 17:52

I just see it as a phyiscal act you dont do with anyone else. My dh says its about trust and intimacy. I dont get it. I think trust n intimacy is mire about cuddles and chat .

Original poster
Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 20:16

Okey, relieved to hear there are others.
I had started to feel I’m made of stone or something.
So many threads here people saying sex is the key.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 12/12/2021 20:23

@Justsotirednow

Okey, relieved to hear there are others. I had started to feel I’m made of stone or something. So many threads here people saying sex is the key.
That's because in sexless marriages issues appear inevitably. Even if it's just the switch from romantic relationships to housemates/best friends. Often though there's also frustration,resentment,shame, guilt and many other negative emotions that destroy a relationship.

There's the complete opposite of you where people can only feel an emotional connection during sex. While they're both extremes, they're not abnormal or even unusual. Just at opposite ends of a spectrum.

Joystir59 · 12/12/2021 20:29

Lesbian here who also had sexual relationships with men. Never felt connected through sex with men. Always felt connected through sex with women. Never had an orgasm with a man. Always had orgasms with women. But it wasn't the orgasms, although they were great, that made the difference, it was the incredible intimacy, and sheer erotic and loving nature of the experience, and the depth of mutual.understanding, empathy, compassion, passion. And patience.

Newduvet · 12/12/2021 20:47

@Joystir59

Lesbian here who also had sexual relationships with men. Never felt connected through sex with men. Always felt connected through sex with women. Never had an orgasm with a man. Always had orgasms with women. But it wasn't the orgasms, although they were great, that made the difference, it was the incredible intimacy, and sheer erotic and loving nature of the experience, and the depth of mutual.understanding, empathy, compassion, passion. And patience.
That's a beautiful description.
Original poster
Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 20:49

@FedUpFelicia

Do you have an orgasm? Does your DP make an effort? I feel the glue Hmm but I can also recall every single time that I didn't get off, which is to say, it's rare. I think that definitely helps!
Oops, missed this.

Yes, I have orgasms, alone easily, takes more time with a partner and not always.
I don’t really mind, they are mostly kind of meh for me anyway.

Don’t have a DP now, but I would say the exes more or less made an effort.
I’m not sure I can tell, because after the first two sexual partners I kind of lost intrest when I saw that sex really wasn’t what it was hyped-up to be.

OP posts:
penguinwithasuitcase · 12/12/2021 20:53

There's a thousand ways to have sex.

What makes you feel 'connected' to someone OUTSIDE the bedroom?

Once you can identify that, then you can start to bring it IN.

Snoozer11 · 12/12/2021 20:57

I think a lot of people see sex as a Big Deal. It's not.

Almost everyone has sex, there's nothing special or wrong or dirty or magical about it.

It's just something two people do together.

Branleuse · 12/12/2021 20:59

Are you saying you dont enjoy sex or do you just not find it a particularly loving intimate experience?

CouldThisReallyBe · 12/12/2021 21:01

For me the emotional connection needs to come first - then the sex is AMAZING! I find that without the emotional connection it's just a physical act.

ImmutableSexQueen · 12/12/2021 21:07

You can forge a deep emotional connection with someone in almost any situation. Get the feeling first, and the sex after.

SquirrelFan · 12/12/2021 21:11

Nope, no emotional connection during sex. Sounds embarrassing! I like to keep it light.

Lollyneenah · 12/12/2021 21:12

I know what you mean, for me it has felt that way maybe two times? Where I have felt spiritually connected to someone. I feel like an object during sex most of the time.

BirdsCustardPowder · 12/12/2021 21:15

I think the "sleeping together" part of it is important, the sharing unconsciousness, cuddled up together.

badgerswitharms · 12/12/2021 21:19

@SquirrelFan

Nope, no emotional connection during sex. Sounds embarrassing! I like to keep it light.
This.

Emotional connection for me is about chatting over dinner or snuggling on the sofa.

Sex for us is dirty sex where I orgasm a lot.