Page 2 | How are supposed to feel emotionally connected during sex?

Justsotirednow · 2021-12-12T15:45:42+00:00

I just don’t get it / feel it. Ever. I’ve heard ”sex is the glue (for the longest time I thought this was an euphemism for cum🤦🏻♀️ (sorry TMI)) for a relationship, brings couple together”…. etc Can’t say I’ve felt it. With anyone. I hope I’m not weird.

Sparkai · 12/12/2021 21:23

For me part of the intimacy comes from the fact that no one else sees you or your dp like that, apart from each other. To cum i have to properly relax and let go, so there is something "unfiltered" about it. No "socially acceptable mask" where I have to think about what someone else thinks. I don't think anyone but my dp sees the complete, whole me with no filter.

EBearhug · 12/12/2021 21:31

I think I need to feel an emotional connection before sex to feel an emotional connection during it. I think sex is better when there is some connection, though it's not essential. But the best sex involves trust and the mind, it's not just physical.

TimeToDecideX · 12/12/2021 21:41

I completely understand what you're saying OP, I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm in my late 30's and have spent most of my life single, although I have been in love. I have never felt the emotional connection during sex, I've never felt lost in the moment, I'm constantly in my own head thinking about what I'm doing and what I'll do next and can't just relax into it. I have never understood what all the fuss was to be honest.

I was really interest in what the PP said about sex with a woman being so different because for the last year I have been questioning my sexuality and have been wondering if this is why I'm not connecting during sex with men.

It's so good to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

MostTacticalNameChange · 12/12/2021 21:52

Yep, hate sex but ask any of my exes and they'll tell you I'm a minx who loves it. I played the role because I wanted the closeness, the attention and their focus. I enjoyed that bit but was disappointed after they came...always wanted the love and care and laughs. They just wanted to sleep, shower or get back to Civ5.

And these were H's and LTRs. Never ever again. I have a Womanizer and my dignity and that is more than enough!

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 12/12/2021 21:54

For me sex and emotional connection aren't linked at all. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been the most emotionally disconnected sex. I absolutely hate the idea of "making love" yet DH and I are very emotionally connected outside of the bedroom.

Original poster

Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 22:05

@Branleuse

Are you saying you dont enjoy sex or do you just not find it a particularly loving intimate experience?

More indefferent. It just feels more like something I’m supposed to do.

OP posts:

Animood · 12/12/2021 22:27

Have you enjoyed any part of any sexual experience OP?

Have you considered you may be a-sexual?

Shitsexsucks · 12/12/2021 22:27

Yep, hate sex but ask any of my exes and they'll tell you I'm a minx who loves it. I played the role because I wanted the closeness, the attention and their focus

I could have written this!! And, embarrassingly, I would have stayed in the relationship, despite the shit sex, just to be loved.

Moving forward, I will never settle for below par sex again. I think when you fake enjoyment, you're not only doing yourself a desservice but the partner you are with.

For me, they'll be no more moaning and gobbling like a turkey

Lovinglife45 · 12/12/2021 22:50

I much prefer sex with emotion. For me, good sex without emotion could be with just about anyone and does not feel special at all.

I enjoy the connection with someone where strong feelings are there from both sides.

I have had two relationships where I completely let myself go when intimate. I lost control of what I said and did because the sex blew my mind. I was told I was very loud. Generally I am a person who is easily embarrassed.

Original poster

Justsotirednow · 12/12/2021 22:52

@Animood

Have you enjoyed any part of any sexual experience OP?

Have you considered you may be a-sexual?

I have. Physically it can be good. I just never had the feeling others have described or songs talk about.

Like without you’re just roommates, sex is a must, the glue thing, way to bond, two bodies coming together, after argument sex makes things okey, disconnect without it.

I’m not asexual, I feel attraction.

I have been in love.
To me everything that makes relationship worth being in (or not) comes from pretty much everywhere else.

OP posts:

Mufasa1118 · 12/12/2021 23:00

It is the men in this generation that are the problem. They are hardened by porn to see women as objects.
The men have forgotten the spiritual emotional and loving side of sex.

I am 37 I have had sex with a lot of men. None of them were great sex for me. But I don't think I was ever really in love/ felt a lot for any of them.

The next time I have sex with a man I want to wait until I really have a lot of feelings for him first. I want deeper connected sex.

I have also had sex with one woman in the past, and I have to say I still prefer men, but im very glad I had the experience and would try again

Mufasa1118 · 12/12/2021 23:06

The thing is it takes two to tango.
We have all been conditioned by porn to see sex as a tough, rough act. We have all become hardened. And forgotten that sex is a loving caring thing.

I find it hard to be emotionally vulnerable and caring and loving during sex. I am more able to do the porn style sex. I can't remember ever saying I love you during sex.

I think a lot of people find it hard to be vulnerable during sex.

I am going to try to be more emotionally vulnerable the next time I have sex with a man, and maybe he will be able to aswell

feelsobadfeltsogood · 12/12/2021 23:17

I'm gonna get told here but sex with my "partner" isn't great were separating

My FWB I've known about 20 years me and him are electric

I've also slept with 2 women and both amazing experiences but obviously very different

Mufasa1118 · 12/12/2021 23:23

Im single. I haven't had sex now in two years. I don't miss it at all.

Looking back, the times when I was having sex were more stressful for me - feeling used as an object, worrying about pregnancy and STIs

I much, much prefer not having sex.

We don't HAVE to have sex at all.

Mufasa1118 · 12/12/2021 23:24

I may have sex again in the future but it will only be if I meet someone that I really care about

I am perfectly happy without sex, two years now. There are so many other fun things to do

Original poster

Justsotirednow · 13/12/2021 09:37

Right there with you @Mufasa1118

OP posts:

housemaus · 13/12/2021 10:13

Different strokes (ha) for different folks, isn't it? As long as you're happy, it doesn't really matter.

I've had a relationship where the sex was incidental to our emotional connection - the sex was good, but it didn't feel part of how we felt about each other (which was less good, to be fair - so I think for me personally if the relationship is good, the sex feels part of it).

I've had lots of others where the sex was integral to the emotional connection: not like only "holding one another in candlelight while a string quartet played" type sex (which I think people assume when you say emotional connection). Some truly non-vanilla filth, too. But the strength of our emotional connection and ability to be vulnerable and trust each other made that part of who 'we' were/are, and it was as important to the relationship as talking at the end of a long day or being the first person you'd phone if you needed support.

I think

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 13/12/2021 10:54

@Mufasa1118

The thing is it takes two to tango. We have all been conditioned by porn to see sex as a tough, rough act. We have all become hardened. And forgotten that sex is a loving caring thing.

I find it hard to be emotionally vulnerable and caring and loving during sex. I am more able to do the porn style sex. I can't remember ever saying I love you during sex.

I think a lot of people find it hard to be vulnerable during sex.

I am going to try to be more emotionally vulnerable the next time I have sex with a man, and maybe he will be able to aswell

I've never watched porn, my sexual experiences started before porn was mainstream and before porn was so easily accessible/ pre internet in every home so many of my partner's hadn't consumed much porn either.

I'm very happily married but I can count on one hand the number of times I've said I love you during sex. For me, sex & love and sex and emotional connection aren't linked in that way. The best sex I've had has been animalistic, desire driven with people I've barely known. I don't enjoy "loving and caring" sex anywhere near as much! And vulnerability and loving and caring for me are not linked either.

Mufasa1118 · 13/12/2021 11:13

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed yes but I don't think you have to have watched porn videos to have been influenced by it.
Porn is everywhere. In magazines and newspapers and adverts.
And it is not just porn. We are taught from society in general in this generation that sex is just a physical act, and to be rough and dirty.

No adverts, magazines, mainstream media really talk about the loving caring connecting side of sex do they?

We have forgotten that there is an emotional loving and spiritual layer to sex.

When people have sex they often just connect physically.

There are actually many many deeper layers to sex. But we have to let ourselves be more vulnerable to get to them

Mufasa1118 · 13/12/2021 11:16

I actually would love to experience really loving, caring sex. That is why I am going to be very careful who I have sex with in the future. I am only going to have sex with someone that really cares about me. I want to experience that deep connecting, loving sex.

Just physical sex doesn't do it for me. It is boring.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 13/12/2021 11:38

@Mufasa1118

I actually would love to experience really loving, caring sex. That is why I am going to be very careful who I have sex with in the future. I am only going to have sex with someone that really cares about me. I want to experience that deep connecting, loving sex.

Just physical sex doesn't do it for me. It is boring.

I hope you get that.

Personally I don't enjoy loving caring sex, but each to their own and having experienced both at least I can know the difference.

Mufasa1118 · 13/12/2021 11:49

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed yeah we are all different. :)

Do you think you have had good sex with people you've barely known? I am thinking back on my one night stands and I think they were all bad.

But our past plays a big factor in this aswell.

I was sexually abused as a child so I often find it difficult to relax with men I don't know well.

Whenever I have had a one night stand I have always been afraid that the man will hurt me and I have never been able to really relax and enjoy it. Men have often commented that I look nervous. Ah well.

That is why I would prefer to have sex in the future with someone I really know and trust and who I know will not hurt me.

Original poster

Justsotirednow · 13/12/2021 12:06

@Mufasa1118

I actually would love to experience really loving, caring sex. That is why I am going to be very careful who I have sex with in the future. I am only going to have sex with someone that really cares about me. I want to experience that deep connecting, loving sex.

Just physical sex doesn't do it for me. It is boring.

This reminded me!

A lot of the sex I’ve had seemed like it was a thing to cross of the list.
They wanted to do this or do it like that, let me just do this to you, wear this… etc.
I guess it was pretty impersonal a lot of times.
It did feel like many of them were in a hurry to fill their bucket list or something.

The loving sex sounds something I’d like to give a go also.
I’d like to have deep and meaningful relationship first and sex to be an added bonus to that.

OP posts:

TitoMojito · 13/12/2021 12:16

I don’t think sex is the glue in a relationship. I would be incredibly sad if I thought my relationship would suffer if we didn’t have sex. That's not why we are together. Luckily, neither of us have high sex drives anyway.

You're definitely not weird, OP. We all have different attitudes and experiences with sex. It's normal.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 13/12/2021 12:26

[quote Mufasa1118]@HaaaaaveyoumetTed yeah we are all different. :)

Do you think you have had good sex with people you've barely known? I am thinking back on my one night stands and I think they were all bad.

But our past plays a big factor in this aswell.

I was sexually abused as a child so I often find it difficult to relax with men I don't know well.

Whenever I have had a one night stand I have always been afraid that the man will hurt me and I have never been able to really relax and enjoy it. Men have often commented that I look nervous. Ah well.

That is why I would prefer to have sex in the future with someone I really know and trust and who I know will not hurt me.[/quote]
I've had amazing sex with people I barely know! I've had bad sex with people I know very well and loved.

What we each like with regards to sex is very personal and it's important that we find partners who respect that - whether they be one night stand partners or long term relationship partners.