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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give presents away?

82 replies

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 12/12/2021 13:42

So for various reasons my inlaws have turned up today with presents for christmas.

In October I gave them a list of present ideas for DD (18 months) to ensure she'd get toys she'd use and no duplicated. Including things in a mix of prices that they could easily get. So no online retailers. They bought 3 items off it and told us about these. Great. She has too many toys anyway and the 3 they got were more than enough. In late November i asked if they were done with the list and they said yes they were and I could buy anything else off it they hadn't bought.

Today they have turned up with a sack of presents and i mean a sack. Quick look there's about 12 reasonable size gifts in there.

Now here comes the crunch. WIBU to go through it when they've gone and donate at least some to our local baby bank who are collecting christmas gifts? We do not need loads of presents and I'll probably end up giving some away after christmas anyway.

They won't be here on christmas day itself. But may come over new year instead. But I don't think they'll actually notice.

OP posts:
Blurp · 12/12/2021 16:13

@Aprilx

Funny it is always the in-laws that buy the wrong or too many gifts. These surely aren’t your things to give away and it is for your husband to deal with anyway.
To be fair, it's easier if it's your own parents as you can just say something. I had a MIL who was like this - gave reams and reams of gifts, often not especially suitable. DH wouldn't have said boo to her, never mind ask her to cut back; whereas with my mum we communicate and if she's doing something that's getting a bit out of hand, I can ask her to stop and she will, with no offence taken.
hotfroth · 12/12/2021 16:26

She's only 18 months, so she's not going to insist on opening them all at once anyway. She'll be totally overwhelmed with it all. Just pile them up, and take a photo to send to the GP's. Then use the surplus as presents to give to other people's dc's when it's their birthday.

MoreAloneTime · 12/12/2021 16:31

I would as if they don't visit much then they won't even notice. If there isn't room then there isn't room and people should respect it when you say you don't have space for extra clutter.

Some people take the better to give than receive too far and it's all about what they get out of seeing a big sack of nicely wrapped presents.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 12/12/2021 16:41

Only on MN are people pilloried for kindness and generosity

Only on MN are people pilloried for wanting to donate unneeded items to charity.

Robin233 · 12/12/2021 16:44

I firm believe that:
If you give someone a present you are free to do with it what you like. Even if that means it goes straight down the charity shop.
My dh calls me the charity queen.
my mil used to be quantity over quality but not with us (guess she got me pegged early on).
BUT as they are your dd's presents you have to at least give them to her.
Then after Christmas you can regroup (and bin / give away anything she has no interest in).
My dad used ti call it 'hoover fodder'

Ponoka7 · 12/12/2021 16:47

Do you have storage space, even if it's the loft? Toys are better rotated. If they are 18+ months then put some away until Easter? As said they can suddenly get interested in something.

coatofsomanycolours · 12/12/2021 16:56

As a mother I would never have re-gifted/donated any pressies bought by the grandparents, as I knew it gave them so much pleasure to chose them.

As a grandmother it really is the greatest joy to buy for grandchildren (far more than it is for your own children) and I do think I would be a little bit hurt to have known they were re-gifted/donated...it's sort of an insult in a way, a bit of a rejection of your grandparenting abilities like you had chosen wrong or not been quite good enough.

As others said think of someone else

Fl0w3ry · 12/12/2021 17:06

I think you should give them to your child. Also if your in-laws did ask after specific presents that you have given away it could be awkward.

Lushplease · 12/12/2021 17:14

They are gifts for your dd - let her play with them.
Store some away after Christmas and rotate throughout the year.

It's not very nice giving the ils gifts away.

shreddies · 12/12/2021 17:22

I would give them away now as new toys that another child can enjoy.

Redarrow2017 · 12/12/2021 17:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AlwaysLatte · 12/12/2021 17:41

I wouldn't. Grandparents are important. Can you video them opening them (assuming they're unable to get there on the day given they've already delivered them) and then after the novelty has worn off either rotate or donate.

StoneofDestiny · 12/12/2021 17:52

If you want to donate elsewhere - do so after their NY visit - children have birthdays throughout the year and people are less generous donating outwith Christmas. That way they won't be 'hurt'.

Dishwashersaurous · 12/12/2021 18:20

Just keep them in a cupboard and give her one a week or so for the first half of the year.

Cold rainy January day, slightly grumpy child, new toy happiness for a day

Hadtocomment · 12/12/2021 19:26

I do share the frustration. It can be difficult when people think huge amounts of wasteful gifts are the thing. Maybe the people they are giving to don't have loads of room and just gives them a headache. Or maybe they feel a bit queasy just being given far too much that can't become special due to sheer amount. It sounds just slightly controling maybe about them having to give something on a specific list and nothing else. But if it's really a huge amount I can see your point. It's a tough one about donating. I think it's a lovely idea particularly now with the pandemic making things so hard for so many. There could be kids that would really get a lift from getting presents your baby will not really understand yet. But if they are coming in the new year and will immediately ask where this or that is what will they say and will they get offended? Will it seem as though you thought their presents were expendable as not on your list and under total control? If you do do this I'd ask your partner maybe and also not make it just their presents and I'd also highlight some specific ones they gave that you do like to take pride of place or something. I am sympathetic to you though. It is sad that some people are inundated with stuff they don't want if it could be really appreciated elsewhere.

Mylittlepotofjoy · 12/12/2021 23:22

Could you peek in the parcels and see if anything is doubled up . If so one of them could be donated and no one would be any wiser ?

ChampagneLassie · 12/12/2021 23:42

You remind me of my mother. My granny, her MIL would bring outlandish and unnecessary gifts and food. And I loved it! Whereas my puritan mother saw it all as wasteful. 2-3 times a year for 48 hrs sounds a fair amount to me, but hey if you want them around more perhaps making them feel welcome.

justasking111 · 12/12/2021 23:48

Well you will have to unwrap them to check they're actually safe to pass on also write down each present so you can tell in-laws thanks for xyz.

But you should discuss with partner also

PinkSyCo · 13/12/2021 00:01

I think it’s a lovely idea to donate your surplus of toys to children less fortunate than your DD. Do it 0P.

MenoMom · 13/12/2021 00:05

i think it's a lovely idea to give some to charity now so that other families can have new unused gifts at Xmas.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/12/2021 00:50

I am assuming nothing. If you haven't bought anything then problem solved for this year. If you have bought then either return or gift yours. Giving away your child's gifts before she has even seen them is disgusting quite frankly. As others have suggested clear out her old unplayed with toys first and then see what she likes after she has unwrapped them.

PinkSyCo · 13/12/2021 02:25

Giving away your child's gifts before she has even seen them is disgusting quite frankly.

Don’t be so bloody dramatic. OP’s child sounds to be the very opposite of deprived, she is not going to miss a few toys that she’s never had, but a needy child would really really appreciate them. What on earth is disgusting about that?

Fleemeister · 13/12/2021 02:25

It's a bit grim to grub through your DD's gifts beforehand. I think you should open them all at Christmas. If some then find their way to a charity box without quite making it out of the packaging, so be it. There will be another Christmas toy appeal next year and plenty of charity shops are open all year.

Rodion · 13/12/2021 02:35

Maybe you could say that they've clearly gone to a lot of effort which is lovely and v much appreciated. But that given how many gifts there are you are concerned that DD might end up overlooking some of them and they'll go unplaced with, and perhaps it would be sensible to put half away for her birthday?

immersivereader · 13/12/2021 02:37

I did this last year. The same magic set 3 times. Gave 2 away