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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go off sick until 2022

70 replies

naynayisay · 11/12/2021 23:22

Backstory: new job started in October. Entry level at the moment but fast paced legal work. I've taken 5 sick days so far and worked from home for a week due to covid. 5 sick days were over two periods - one for being sick in work and being diagnosed with a stomach ulcer on the Thursday and Friday and then three days sick where I couldn't see the screen and needed to wait for new glasses to come into Specsavers.

My daughter died last November and November and December are just really bloody hard months for me. Yesterday was the work Christmas party and I had too much to bloody drink and generally my mental health is all over the place today and is much much worse than in general. Work know about my struggles and my daughter and I'm accessing in house counselling twice a week.

But I'm not coping. At all. I've been pretending I'm coping and yesterday after all that alcohol I've realised I am absolutely not coping. Managers are generally fine but we're moving to a new management team in January. I just want time to get my head together and be sad and cry and not have to deal with office politics and feeling like shit when I want to die.

WIBU to ask the doctor to sign me off until we go back to work on 5th January? I need my job and genuinely like it so I don't want time signed off sick to compromise my position but I was struggling before and now the thought of having to face people for the next two weeks who are all very young in my cohort (managers are 23-25, all colleagues are 24-30 with no kids) while struggling like this is making my life hell.

Do I suck it up the next two weeks or do I do what I know is better for me? And how do I stop feeling so guilty about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
naynayisay · 11/12/2021 23:24

Worked from home during Covid because there was no other option and I had mild symptoms but we don't have access to work from home facilities long term so I'm unable to request working from home until January.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/12/2021 23:26

I think you would be completely reasonable to be signed off work, you are only talking about a month and I think in the circumstances having lost your daughter only a year ago it is understandable to be struggling with the anniversary. It will be better for your workplace and employees for you to be signed off now before you reach breaking point and only take 4 weeks off than to keep struggling on until you cannot cope any longer and potentially need to take a longer time period off.

I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope you are able to take the time you need without feeling guilty because you absolutely have no reason to feel anything of the sort Flowers

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 11/12/2021 23:27

I am so sorry about your daughter. I urge you to take the time off, as much as you need. Go to the dr and explain exactly how you feel. Life is too precious to make yourself ill. Take the time to do what you need to do to find a way of moving forward. Grief is something that takes many forms and you have experienced the worst of all losses. Work is of little importance compared to your health, it’ll still be there when you feel ready to return. Right now, it can wait.

NeedsCharging · 11/12/2021 23:28

You need to grieve. That takes time. Flowers

KittyKel · 11/12/2021 23:29

If you genuinely feel like you can’t cope, go to the doctors. If you struggle on, your work may suffer and you won’t be thought of any better for soldiering on. Put yourself first.

(Your employer may monitor sick days though so you might need a meeting about it but sounds like they are already aware)

KittyKel · 11/12/2021 23:30

Sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through

Logicked · 11/12/2021 23:32

No, you are not the least bit unreasonable. Tbh, I am amazed at your strength and if they have any empathy, they will not hold it against you. I do remember you and I just cannot for the life of me see how anyone in this world could ever, ever hold this against you.

I am so, so sorry Flowers

Original poster
naynayisay · 11/12/2021 23:36

Everything is suffering. I go to work and I have to put this face on every day because I'm terrified of losing my job and it's a very toxic positive environment. I'm exhausted by 5pm and I come home to two daughters who need me and a husband who is picking up all of the slack because I'm using every ounce of energy I have to just get by. DD's are 13 and 11 and they're suffering too, especially with school. I feel like I've been treading water for months and now it's pulling me under and the thought of having to work around people who tell me whenever I feel sad to distract myself and to cheer up because I could be dead (yes, these managers have said this to me several times when I've been in a negative mood) is making me feel sick to my stomach. I just can't function like this and I am sinking.

OP posts:
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 11/12/2021 23:38

I am so sorry for your loss, you need to do what is right for you and I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly hard it must be to lose your child.

You do need to consider the possibility though that if you only started in October, so 6 weeks ago and have already had 2 periods of sickness, there is the possibility that you will lose your job. If that's something you can accept and that wont leave you in trouble financially then it's a cursory consideration. If you really do need the job, is there any support your employer could offer that would help you get through the next few weeks?

Original poster
naynayisay · 11/12/2021 23:43

I really need the job and that's why I'm so afraid of taking the time off. Financially, we couldn't cope without the money the job provides and due to chronic health issues, finding another job for myself will prove tricky. I graduated very late in my life in 2020 and this is my first job that offers any experience in my field.

I just don't see any other way out. As PP have said, if I struggle through my work is going to suffer more than it already has. I've already had a chat with my boss who said my attention to detail was lacking around the anniversary of my daughters death and she made a big deal of it for that small period so there's no way they will tolerate sub-par work over the busy end of December month (I work in property law where everyone is trying to complete before Christmas).

I'm terrified but I'm sinking rapidly. I can't sleep. I've been diagnosed with PTSD but I'm on the waiting list for trauma therapy which is around a year and a half long. I'm not able to take care of myself and every ounce of energy is being spent on a job where nobody will tolerate less than 100% positivity at all times. It's killing me.

OP posts:
Yuledo · 11/12/2021 23:51

Can you get some medication from the doctors before you end up taking time off? Just for the short term? I’m worried that you’ll be in danger of losing the job.

It must be so hard for you.

Original poster
naynayisay · 11/12/2021 23:54

I'm going to phone them Monday morning and see if they can prescribe something to the pharmacy over the phone. I just know many meds take weeks to kick in and I'm so worried about everything.

Life would be so much more simple if I could go into work and not talk to anyone but then I'm pulled up for being negative or anti social and I can't do right for being wrong in that place. Things will be so much better in the new team in January and that's all I can think about. But I need to get there in one piece.

OP posts:
minipie · 12/12/2021 00:31

Thinking about what you say about not talking to people - is there a middle option of working but working from home? You could say that you are able to work but can’t face social interaction right now, surely they will understand that. Since it’s their busy period I am sure they would try to accommodate that rather than you going off work.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/12/2021 00:40

I think if you can arrange working from home, perhaps slightly reduced hours, that would be best. Your feelings are completely understandable, but that is a lot of sick leave and it may endanger your job. Pease go and see your doctor so you can access all help. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Phoenix76 · 12/12/2021 00:56

I’m so sorry op, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through and continue to go through.

If it were me (and only talking about if it were me, we’re all different), I would have an open conversation with my boss, I would explain how I am now and what I want to achieve in January. No one with a heart would not understand. I agree that speaking with your gp is a first step, I would like to think that most work places would accommodate you for what, in the grand scheme of things, is a very small amount of time. I wish I had a magic wand that would help you. I wish you well op.

Mara263 · 12/12/2021 00:58

I lost my baby in November 2016 and still go into a grief spiral every October/November, it’s incredibly hard. From the sounds of things you would really benefit from the time off and it’s not like you want to go on leave indefinitely, it’s literally just a few weeks. I really hope things get better for you 💙

VodselForDinner · 12/12/2021 00:58

Oh @naynayisay, I wish I could reach through your screen and give you a hug. I remember your posts about your gorgeous daughter and I can’t even imagine the pain. It’s such a recent bereavement, it must feel like you’re still under water.

Speak to your doctor and see if you can be signed-off for stress.

Then speak to work. Tell them the reason and, with any luck, they’ll understand and respect the mental health impact, especially if you can show that you have a plan in place to get back to work in the coming weeks (therapy etc).

If they don’t, unfortunately you have no legal protection. It sounds like you’re a conveyancer and the market is busy so you’re likely to walk into another job easily enough.

I haven’t been bereaved like you are so I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but just wanted to send you some good wishes.

Chloemol · 12/12/2021 01:01

You need to take care of yourself, however if you only started in October, already have 5 days sickness and then take more time off you may find you won’t pass probation, or they take disciplinary action if you have passed probation

Could you ask them if you could work reduced hours, either at the office or at home?

friendlycat · 12/12/2021 01:05

If you can possibly negotiate working from home before Christmas close that would be the better option without jeopardising your job.

My heart goes out to you.

It’s positive that you mention you like your job and are looking forward to the new team. These are all positive things to stress in any negotiation about working from home until Christmas closure.

I so hope you can find a way to help yourself and keep work happy until you are part of the new team in January. But of course your health does have to come first.

RichPetunia · 12/12/2021 01:13

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itwasntaparty · 12/12/2021 01:21

That sounds so hard and I'm sorry for your loss. Does your employer have an EAPyou can access?

7eleven · 12/12/2021 01:33

I feel deep sympathy for you.

I’d try to go to work. I wonder if not going into work could cause stress in a different way? We’re talking maybe 15 days. I think you’ll fret about your job if you’re at home and you could feel awkward when you return.

It’s a shame that it’s a newish job and you haven’t been able to build strong relationships. You haven’t been able to prove yourself, which is unfortunate, as a build up of good will is what you need at the moment. Can you just get your head down, be ‘really busy’ and let people tell you what your plans for Xmas are?

i’m honestly not being heartless. I genuinely wonder if not going to work could cause as many issues as it solves.

Wotsitsits · 12/12/2021 06:27

Since you stated you need the income financially, it would be better to go to work now. I find it weird that you have been pulled up verbally for not being friendly enough with your colleagues - I wonder is this workplace just a really bad fit or is there something specific you could do differently. I would be tempted to call the manager out on those strange comments and find out what exactly they wanted you to do differently. Are you in a union? Can you contact your rep for advice? The negative feedback so far seems too vague to be actionable, which is not OK and of course is causing stress because you aren't clear on what to do next.

wtaf37 · 12/12/2021 07:10

@naynayisay

Worked from home during Covid because there was no other option and I had mild symptoms but we don't have access to work from home facilities long term so I'm unable to request working from home until January.
But we've just been told by the govt that we have to wfh again,so your company should facilitate that. I hope things improve for you
Anomelettefortheroad · 12/12/2021 07:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely take time off. Your mental health comes before any job. As an aside, Medication does take time to work but when i started on citalopram i saw a positive difference within a week so it may not take as long as you think to start to feel a little more stable.

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