AIBU to go off sick until 2022

[naynayisay]

Backstory: new job started in October. Entry level at the moment but fast paced legal work. I've taken 5 sick days so far and worked from home for a week due to covid. 5 sick days were over two periods - one for being sick in work and being diagnosed with a stomach ulcer on the Thursday and Friday and then three days sick where I couldn't see the screen and needed to wait for new glasses to come into Specsavers.

My daughter died last November and November and December are just really bloody hard months for me. Yesterday was the work Christmas party and I had too much to bloody drink and generally my mental health is all over the place today and is much much worse than in general. Work know about my struggles and my daughter and I'm accessing in house counselling twice a week.

But I'm not coping. At all. I've been pretending I'm coping and yesterday after all that alcohol I've realised I am absolutely not coping. Managers are generally fine but we're moving to a new management team in January. I just want time to get my head together and be sad and cry and not have to deal with office politics and feeling like shit when I want to die.

WIBU to ask the doctor to sign me off until we go back to work on 5th January? I need my job and genuinely like it so I don't want time signed off sick to compromise my position but I was struggling before and now the thought of having to face people for the next two weeks who are all very young in my cohort (managers are 23-25, all colleagues are 24-30 with no kids) while struggling like this is making my life hell.

Do I suck it up the next two weeks or do I do what I know is better for me? And how do I stop feeling so guilty about it?

I am very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but if I were your manager I’d really have a question mark about you - the three days off waiting for glasses is just bizarre and shows a real lack of commitment IMHO.

Agree with those saying you need to stop drinking and see your GO. If you can’t face going in, then ask if you can WFH and do your work brilliantly.

I doubt losing a job you otherwise enjoy and need the income from will be good for your mental health either.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It definitely sounds like you need to speak to your GP. However, hangovers always make everything seem 10 times worse, so please don't make any decisions about work today.

Speaking as a manager in a law firm, I do think it is likely that if you go off sick again during your probation period that you won't be kept on. They will have every sympathy, (we're not monsters), but their main priority is the effect on the business. I'd suggest speaking to them first to see what they can offer. My firm offers free counselling sessions for example, or they might be able to accommodate home working.

At the end of the day, your health comes first and if you are not fit for work, then you're not fit. Your health is the most important thing.

It does sound very tough but you need to keep going otherwise you’re at real risk of being let go after your probation. You need to try to be at your best in this period, tough and all as it is. for you OP, it’s an awful loss. Hope you feel brighter in the coming weeks.

i am sorry for your loss
can you manage without a job?
i guess you could talk to someone

agree, not sure that going off sick again will help you keep your job

I wonder if the toxic positivity is how you are viewing things OP because of your emotional and mental health difficulties rather than it actually being a toxic workplace. It can be very difficult to know how best to deal with a colleague going through a difficult time. A past colleague of mine (I moved on, they remained) was very badly affected by the death of a grandparent and it was a though they wouldn't give themselves permission to smile. Other colleagues felt they were treading on eggshells around them. I'm not criticising it's just extremely hard to know what to do for the best and people can be wary of upsetting someone who is clearly very unhappy.

Taking positive steps to get help will work in your favour, as well as sounding as though it's something you need. You might want to consider asking whether your probation period can be extended so you can demonstrate what you are capable of once you have got help.

I also wonder whether you are embarrassed about getting drunk and catastrophising to a degree about how that will be viewed.

I'm going to try and get through as many replies as I can here. First of all, thank you all for responding and clearing my head a little.

I'm definitely avoiding alcohol. Friday night was the first time I'd had a drink in months and it's not good for me when I'm barely clinging on. I don't drink at home and there's no issue with alcohol otherwise so I won't be falling back into that trap.

Posters have said that there's a real risk of losing my job and that's where I'm most concerned. I really can't afford to lose my job and I genuinely do love the work itself so going off sick is really one step away from being let go. Probation lasts until January but people I work with have never actually been told if they've passed their probation period and have just been kept on so I have no idea how the company work in that respect. I assume if you make it through, you're automatically done and you only hear if there is an issue.

I'm going to call the doctor at 8am tomorrow morning and request medication and I'm going to go into work. I can't risk my job and as others have said, we finish on the 23rd December and don't go back until January 5th so there's only 9 working days left. It's going to be a struggle and I will ask for a meeting with my line manager in regard to making it easier for me to cope but I don't think there'll be any provision for working alone as the offices just aren't big enough. I'm in Wales and the guidance hasn't changed here so unless it's necessary like when I had a positive covid test, working from home won't be an option.

When we move to the new management team in January there are no work from home provisions at all so I have to get used to it. I'll also be off for a period of time in the spring due to the coroner's inquest so I really need to be doing well in my job to survive there through the spring.

In regard to the three days off due to my glasses, I'm very very short sighted. I noticed a vision change in October but couldn't get a sight test and the one I did manage to get was during my isolation period. By the day before my appointment the screen was giving me such migraines as I had double vision that I was sent home from work and on the Saturday when my prescription changed, I was unable to get new glasses until the Tuesday afternoon. I went back into work on the Wednesday and I was able to see the screen without issue. It was really bloody silly but I didn't have much of an option as I couldn't see the screen.

Since I'm pro rata from October, I have no annual leave left. I had 2 days to use and one went on my grandfather's funeral and one was on a doctors appointment with the geneticist that I've been waiting for for years (I have EDS) so there's no more to use up until more days renew in January.

I'm definitely going to have to take it half an hour at a time going back into work. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying all day every day. My focus is on work and suddenly it'll shift to how much pain I'm in and it'll feel like I'm drowning. The panic begins and then it all comes out in frustration tears and stress that I've been keeping inside. It isn't healthy but work is so important to me that I feel like the armour needs to be on 100% of the time.

In an ideal workplace time off for rest and recovery would help you tremendously.
New year new you, if the management are supportive of your suggestion.

You've lost a child I'm so sorry and can't imagine how painful and consuming the grief is, will they give you this opportunity to bounce back in the new year?

Op can you get yourself referred to occupational health? It may be that your mental health can be categorised as a disability. I was suffering from ptsd anxiety and depression and occ health told me that my symptoms would count as a diagnosis of depression under the disability discrimination act and my employer then had to tread very carefully under the relevant discrimination laws. Also it really helped me to know that i wasnt just not coping, but there was a reason. Off the back of it my employer made various adjustments for me like additional breaks, more 1-2-1s etc. It basically put the issue on the radar in an official way.

I'm not sure if we have occupational health. We have a counsellor that comes in who I see on a weekly basis. All our meetings are obviously confidential unless I say it's okay to divulge to management.

I'm going to send an email to HR tomorrow and see who I can speak to in regard to all of this. I want to work and I really want to continue working for this company but I feel like I can't breathe right now.

Absolutely take time off-speak to GP for a fit note.
I would also look at other jobs when in the right headspace, even if it's outside your field short-term, as your current work environment sounds too pressured for you to cope with mentally.
I'd also get a benefit assessment-see how much UC you can claim on your DH's income solely-this will give you the chance to heal.
As you are, you are en route to a breakdown.

Poor you OP. I'm so sorry about your daughter and how much you are struggling.

I really think if you possibly can you need to focus on getting through those 9 working days however you can. Meds, rest (you said your husband is stepping up which is great), delegate/outsource whatever you can, try and do 2x 3 min meditations per day, get as much sleep as you can. Just push through and focus on the time off which will give you a much needed break and reset.

I hear what people are saying about you being unwell and should be taking sick leave but if you do, it's highly likely you won't pass your probation in January or will get your probation period extended. Losing your job will be a further huge stress on you and the state of your health. I'm a partner in a law firm and whilst we support our staff, we are beholden with the responsibility to ensure the firm is well run and profitable. Under performers get managed out one way or another. When someone has not even completed probation that is very easy.

Who would I need to speak to in order to get my probation extended? Would it be HR?

Hi OP, your posts are so raw and really give a sense of the anxiety and stress you are feeling.

You need to take a sleep back for a minute and consider the bigger picture?

1. Is any of this worth risking your health? That is far more important than money? Minet can be made up in time, family and friends can give a did it, you can seek assistance? Mental health takes far longer to restore.

(2) What supports do you have? Both in terms of dealing with your grief (I am so sorry for your loss) and in terms of your current distress? Are you leaning on family, friends, counsellors etc or are you trying to cope on your own?

(3) is the job essential? Can you make cut backs on cars, expenses, get a moratorium on mortgage etc?

(4) have you spoken with your GP?

A friend was in a similar position to you after the passing of her young child. She tried to do everything for everyone else, her kids,vher job etc and she just crashed eventually because she hadn't taken the time she needs to rebuild herself. You will never get over it but you will become stronger, try not to force that process as you can't. You cannot pour from an empty jug. Your health and wellbeing comes first.

Not for now, but just as an aside. You write beautifully. Journaling and realising your emotions by writing may be very helpful for you mentally.

Very best of luck to you but if you are heading for burnout. Stop before you get there. Do whatever it takes to reset before that happens.

That sounds awfully difficult. Do you think the company is the best fit for you in the long term? It sounds toxic, and your managers sound appalling and insensitive.

I'm not sure if you can keep it all going. I'd prioritise yourself and your family - you can't put a price on good mental health. I'd go and see your GP, see what they say.

💐

Yes get signed off. It sounds though like you like the job itself but have listed lots of negatives about the company and the culture, somewhere else might be a better fit for you?

Can you request to work from home? That might make it a lot easier and be a good compromise? Every professional services firm I know is now working from home so it’s strange that you’re expected to go in?

I have a lot of sympathy for you but getting drunk at the work party probably wasn’t the best decision if a hangover makes you feel this bad. You’ve only been there a couple of months and already had three separate sickness absences. Getting signed off for another three weeks is likely to see them saying you’ve not passed probation. How can you when you’ve been off more than you’ve been there. If you do this then I think you need to come up with a longer term plan of how you’re going to manage self-care alongside this demanding job.

How are you getting on? I hope you are managing to take one morning/hour at a time etc.

Just checking in to say I hope this week has gone ok.