AIBU to go off sick until 2022

[naynayisay]

Backstory: new job started in October. Entry level at the moment but fast paced legal work. I've taken 5 sick days so far and worked from home for a week due to covid. 5 sick days were over two periods - one for being sick in work and being diagnosed with a stomach ulcer on the Thursday and Friday and then three days sick where I couldn't see the screen and needed to wait for new glasses to come into Specsavers.

My daughter died last November and November and December are just really bloody hard months for me. Yesterday was the work Christmas party and I had too much to bloody drink and generally my mental health is all over the place today and is much much worse than in general. Work know about my struggles and my daughter and I'm accessing in house counselling twice a week.

But I'm not coping. At all. I've been pretending I'm coping and yesterday after all that alcohol I've realised I am absolutely not coping. Managers are generally fine but we're moving to a new management team in January. I just want time to get my head together and be sad and cry and not have to deal with office politics and feeling like shit when I want to die.

WIBU to ask the doctor to sign me off until we go back to work on 5th January? I need my job and genuinely like it so I don't want time signed off sick to compromise my position but I was struggling before and now the thought of having to face people for the next two weeks who are all very young in my cohort (managers are 23-25, all colleagues are 24-30 with no kids) while struggling like this is making my life hell.

Do I suck it up the next two weeks or do I do what I know is better for me? And how do I stop feeling so guilty about it?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty for wanting blto take care of your mental health. I cannot imagine anyone holding it against you for needing to take some time out. It might help to talk to your line manager first to explain the situation before you book your leave.

Again, I'm so sorry. Be good to yourself. Huge hugs.

@Anomelettefortheroad

I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely take time off. Your mental health comes before any job. As an aside, Medication does take time to work but when i started on citalopram i saw a positive difference within a week so it may not take as long as you think to start to feel a little more stable.

Yes same here regarding Citalopram. Definitely worth a try.

Definitely not unreasonable.
I remember you and your daughter . You still need time especially now, to care for yourself.
Sending you strenght to get through this.

Is there a compromise to be found, if you speak to your line manager and explain how you are feeling?

In the kindest possible way, I think taking a month off now, during a period you say is very busy, after already taking five days off since you started in October, when they are already raising issues with you about lack of attention to detail and so on, could result in them taking steps to manage you out.

I hope that doesn't sound horribly unsympathetic. I am just trying to be honest since you say that you really need the job. At my place, eyebrows would be raised over taking time off to wait for new glasses to arrive for example. Could you wfh, take on reduced duties, temporarily reduce your hours?

I would second what Phoenix has said about having an open discussion at work … is there any therapy you could access at work theough Occupational Health? I know you haven’t been there long but if they value you they will want to keep you?

You are being incredibly brave and your loss cannot be overlooked. Sending you strength and peace x

In the context of such painful grief, the GP may be able to prescribe you something that works immediately while a long-acting medication builds up its effects. While obviously they are cautious about prescribing diazepam, promethazine, etc, your circumstances are truly so difficult that it would be worth discussing any way that they might be able to help you cope.

I am so sorry.

I'd try to stay at work for 2 reasons, 1 so you don't lose your job and 2 I don't think it's always helpful to be off work if you're feeling depressed.
I'm so sorry your daughter died
Can you work from home? Are the government not now advising people to work from home if possible anyway?

Your loss is so heartbreaking, you have my deepest sympathies.

I think you need to seek an alternative before taking sick leave from a job you only started in October. Medication may take the edge off and you could look at online support services.
We have only a few weeks left until January and for many companies year end is the busiest time of year, it’s also the busiest time of year for mums!!!

I think you need to understand that a business will have limited empathy because first and foremost they are a business with targets and expectations. Also HR is there to protect the organisation not the employee any having already taken two periods of sickness any more inside the same quarter will be flagged and could jeopardise your position. Companies generally take a dim view on the perpetually sick.
Perhaps draw strength from getting up every day, doing your hair and make up and getting on with your job, keep smiling and just keep your head down and get in with it. The alternative could mean 3 weeks at home which often intensifies feeling of anxiety and depression, add to that the worry about returning to work and the potential of losing your job altogether (probation period?) being signed off isn’t a good idea. If you can’t cope with going to work then give up work.

I am sympathetic to your situation but the reality is your company will not be!

I’m sorry you are feeling so awful.

I think you need to take one day at a time - maybe even smaller steps than that.

In your OP you say the alcohol at the xmas do made you realise you aren’t coping. But maybe you were coping - even if by the skin of your teeth - but need to stay clear of alcohol at the moment.

Don’t make any decisions today. Don’t decide to be off for several weeks. Your aim today is to prepare to make it through Monday morning. Get through the morning and then you can think about the afternoon.

Yes to calling the doctor and take whatever help you can get.

If you take one day/half day or even one hour at a time you might find there is a time when you go to the Ladies and sob, you might need to go home early one day but that is far better than being off for weeks. (from the perspective of hanging on to your job that you need).

Be as kind to yourself as you can outside of work. Make everything as easy as you can - if frozen pizzas or a bag of chips is all you have the energy for that’s fine. If the housework goes not done never mind. Do whatever you need to to get through. I can see that you want to be there for your family but you are being there for them by working when you need the money from work.

I would worry if you are signed off that even if work are sympathetic they may feel you are not ready to be back working.

* In the kindest possible way, I think taking a month off now, during a period you say is very busy, after already taking five days off since you started in October, when they are already raising issues with you about lack of attention to detail and so on, could result in them taking steps to manage you out.*

^This. I doubt you’ll have a job to return to in the new year.

I am sorry for uour loss, I can't imagine how raw it all is still & how difficult coping with it is.

But you started this job in Oct, have had are talking of having

@Anomelettefortheroad

I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely take time off. Your mental health comes before any job. As an aside, Medication does take time to work but when i started on citalopram i saw a positive difference within a week so it may not take as long as you think to start to feel a little more stable.

Out of interest, how is she meant to fund her life if she loses her job?

If she started in October, she's unlikely to have passed probation and probably wouldn't be kept on with so much time off

When I had a team to manage, I would have done everything to ensure you were able to take the time off you needed. Sadly, a lot of people aren't like this and there's a very real chance taking this time off could risk your job.

I'd try and speak to them about short term working from home. That would be preferable to taking the time off in most workplaces.

Can you speak to someone senior, rather than your own manager? Also, someone older may be better. I gained a lot of empathy as I got older, not the same for everyone of course.

Can you afford private therapy?

Drat, got disturbed a posted in error

By the end of the year you will have had 1/3 of the time you've been there off sick.
Do you have a probationary period? In most jobs this level of absence would be a fail.
Even if it isn't your new colleagues will notice & not be impressed as they'll have to cover your work & everyone has pressure on at this time of year.

I’m really sorry for your loss as well and you do need to focus on your mental health but taking this much time off could definitely mean you fail your probation period. It’s probably worth checking your HR policies at work and speaking to your manager

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and what you continue to go through. You are clearly in emotional and psychological pain and you are hurting. I wonder if funding private therapy is an option for you. It sounds like you may be at risk of losing your job if your mental health is so poor so this could be short term financial pain for longer term financial gain. That said, I recognise it may not be an option.
Sertraline is a good medication for PTSD and worth a try if you’ve not had it. Or even if you have, it can be worth trying again.
I think realistically, being off work could risk your job so you need to consider how that would impact on your mental health.
It’s hard because there’s a fine balance and the routine of work can help but it sounds like your job is very pressured.
Please talk to your line manager and ask for a referral to Occ Health.

Take care.

@drpet49

* In the kindest possible way, I think taking a month off now, during a period you say is very busy, after already taking five days off since you started in October, when they are already raising issues with you about lack of attention to detail and so on, could result in them taking steps to manage you out.*

^This. I doubt you’ll have a job to return to in the new year.

Very much this. I'm so sorry about all you have been through, and do sympathise.

But, I'm a partner in a solicitors firm and with the time you've already had off, the detail issues etc, this would be it for us. You'd be leaving.

Try and see if you can WFH. And do get the work done, accurately.

I am going against the grain here, but I think you should keep going at work. Otherwise you will have the extra problem of not being in work. Just do your best but have in the back of your mind that it is only work and none of it really matters, at the end of the day.

Although you have my sympathy, I would see you as too much of a liability and fire you. If you chose to go down this route be prepared to lose your job.

Oh I am so sorry to read this. I worked as a junior lawyer while coping with processing a tragedy and it is a very tough combination even in a supportive environment.

I agree there is a big risk to being signed off again. You might not have any choice and be kind to yourself if you need the time and you lose the job. I quit in the end as I just needed headspace. After a year or so out (doing an admin job) I found a new job and my career has gone from strength to strength. So don't think a job loss ls the end of the world.

Having said that, I wonder if your work would accommodate compromises to help you get through this? Reduced hours for a bit, or homeworking, or just taking a bit of annual leave?

My instinct though is to say be kind to yourself, you may need to crash a bit and take some time before you are ready for a pressured job.

Do you think you can do the job? As that is what your work will want to know. If this is a blip caused by the time of year and bad luck, that’s one thing, but if it’s likely to permanently affect your ability to do your job, they will need to find someone who can do it. In my job, you don’t get sick pay until you’ve been there 3 months.

This weird toxic positivity seems to be the problem. Can you ask your manager to have a private room to work in. Why do you have to be positive? Sounds odd? Is it client facing?
Deep breaths and mindfulness.
I can see you are struggling a lot. I am sorry. Take lots of hugs from your DH and cuddles with your girls in the evenings x

Because you really meed the income, you are new and have been off sick already I would do my very best to go in.

If you had been there for years and proven yourself as reliable I would say absolutely take the time, or if you could afford to take the risk financially. This employer may suspect you are unreliable rather than unwell because they don't know you long enough. Also many people feel embarrassed after too many drinks at work party the timing of that isn't ideal either.

I would go if possible and use the Christmas hols to recharge. Good luck

As difficult as it will be you need to go to work or you will fail your probation. However given you can work from home you and your colleagues should be allowed to do so as that will likely be law from Monday.

I'm so sorry for your loss

What day do you finish for Christmas, it probably feels endless but the 17th is 5 working days, the 22nd is 8 working days.. try not to think of it as two weeks if you want to try and push through. If you can make it to Xmas you will have a natural break and by January and medication your GP gives you will be taking effect. I'm coming at this from the point of view of keeping your job because you need it, but equally if you can't push on without going over the edge then don't, there will be other jobs, your health is more important