To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

No it was the dogged pursuit I was referring too.

Not teaching people, just you. Have you learnt something though?

@gattey

No it was the dogged pursuit I was referring too.

Not teaching people, just you. Have you learnt something though?

No: what should I have learned?

@gattey

No it was the dogged pursuit I was referring too.

Not teaching people, just you. Have you learnt something though?

Are you a teacher?

Ooof - ok here’s hoping this helps you.

My kids are at an offshore private school with kids who’s parents are multi-millionaires. Multiple homes, yachts, jets etc. We’re wealthy but would probably still be in the bottom third of the high earning parents of this school.

Do my kids give a shit? Not in the slightest. Do the seriously rich kids care? Nope. Do the seriously rich kids treat anyone else differently? Nope. Do I give a shit? Probably even less than them.

Your kids don’t care who has what, deep down. Your kids care if you spend time with them, if you love them, and laugh with them. If you make sure they try their best, if you make sure they know to appreciate what they have.

It. Doesn’t. Matter. Unless you’re in a really posh, wanky private school where kids sneer on anyone who doesn’t have the wealth they have, in which case take your kids out and find a better one.

I didn’t personally attack anyone.

Didn't you call me a coward?

OP, I’m not sure about your original question, I earn about half your salary (although work part time so theoretically could up it if I needed to but don’t want to!) and it genuinely never even crossed my mind to look at private schools, I was laser focussed on getting my son into a good grammar locally which worked out thankfully! A couple of years down the line I did cotton on to the existence of bursaries and scholarships and felt maybe I’d done him a disservice by not even finding out about them! I think a lot depends on your child’s personality and how much you’re willing to scrimp and save if necessary perhaps. If they are very sensitive I guess they could find it difficult, equally a less sensitive child maybe risks becoming spoilt. I see what you’re saying here, you don’t want them to always think they’re hard done by cos they don’t have staff and a country house and a Ferrari etc. when objectively they have a good standard of living with that household income. On the other hand, I do think private school kids often have a level of confidence that kids at state schools even grammars can lack, although I’m not sure how much of that hangs on being filthy rich in the first place rather than anything to do with the school…. I will say that my brother went to a private school (me and my sisters went to state grammars but he wasn’t bright enough to get in and flunked his eleven plus but was very sporty so my parents decided that was right for him). He made so many very wealthy friends with great connections and often with spare holiday homes etc that he was able to set up a very successful private business easily with informal advice and support from friends and friends of friends from school, and he had amazing holidays all over the place essentially for free so there are definite plus points!

There is a surprising mix of incomes in private schools ime. Many families are subsidised by scholarships and GPs for a start. Other families, like you, choose to pay for education rather than detached houses, foreign holidays and ponies. You would also be very surprised by the number of people who don't pay and have to be chased through legal routes for the fees. Don't allow your child to judge others on income; a nurse has as much value as a banker etc and there will be no problem.in any case there is nothing to be ashamed of if you don't own a helicopter.

We warn 170k and don't feel like we can afford it- not the private schools that would be so much better than the good state schools that would make them worth it. The extracurricular activities, uniforms, school holidays etc would just be too much.
For sure you'll be at the lower end, your kids may feel it, but all in all I think it should be ok. But is it worth it? What is wrong with the state schools where you are?

No: what should I have learned?

If you have to be told you haven't learnt anything

Are you a teacher?

are you a drama teacher? 😆

It totally depends. On that, can you afford everything you would want your child to do? Extra activities and all that? If so, as someone else has said £100k with minimal outgoings is not poorer than someone who has an income if twice that but has to pay all that out in costs. It only matters if you can’t afford them to do what you want then to do

@Changethefloorthroughout

I think you’re on the wrong thread, MrsLarry. I haven’t asked advice on how to bring children up on this income.

Oh, I'm on the right thread. Just surprised at the question

One final word... do not underestimate the cost of teenagers! They are astronomically expensive to keep, even the ones at state schools wink and I'd be interested if the people on here who say their children don't mind are actual grabby, materialistic, image-obsessed teenagers yet. so bear that in mind for future budgeting...!

Teenagers do notice the size of houses. They know what their friends bought with their money and the holidays they go on. They may not necessarily mind being the 'poor' ones so long as they can at least do the activities that their friends do, like go to movies and activities. Hopefully they will not be materialistic and want the latest fashion gear and trainers but there are lots of ways to source these items for teenagers that do not break the bank.

They may not go on the jolly to Barbados but so long as you can afford them going to France or Europe, I don't think they will miss out that much.

Other than schools in central London or boarding schools or other schools that oligarchs flock to, I think you should be fine if you see a variety of cars that parents drive.

I have to say that generally £115K will be tight for private school fees for 2 children but your mortgage is low and the fees are still relatively low. Be prepared for the fees to rise much faster than inflation with add ons, (coach, extra curricular activities and lunch being biggies as is school trips. Uniforms can be second hand). There is also a big leap in school fees at senior school.

I’m a Finance Manager for a ‘fancy’ prep.

The wealth levels are quite something to behold at times.

We have several families with three children here together - £18-£20k per term and obviously no issues paying.

Then some who clearly struggle.

I wouldn’t send mine to private if it was a struggle but it doesn’t sound like it would be for you.

The teachers have zero idea of income levels etc. We would never divulge that information - outside of me and The Bursar no I’ve would be aware.

Factor in an addition £300 per term for activities, £500 a year uniform (school plus full cricket whites, football kit and rugby stuff) and the £150 a term lunches if not included, and £2k per year sports trips from year 5 if your child is sporty.

Would depend on the school surely. If you out then in one that is elite, then maybe, if you put them in a standard private school like most of them are, you'll be average.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Actually Flashy, yeah, I do. I grew up in a modestly comfortable home, but things got suddenly and dramatically worse for me when I lost my mother. I ended up homeless at one point, so I do know poor.

However, my thread wasn’t talking about poor. It was taking about feeling comparatively poor. Twisting the wording of the thread isn’t big or clever.

Sorry,apologies

@gattey

No: what should I have learned?

If you have to be told you haven't learnt anything

Are you a teacher?

are you a drama teacher? 😆

I haven’t learned anything from you, I’ve already said.

Are you a teacher?

@Merryoldgoat that's my experience as a bursar.

@Merryoldgoat

I’m a Finance Manager for a ‘fancy’ prep.

The wealth levels are quite something to behold at times.

We have several families with three children here together - £18-£20k per term and obviously no issues paying.

Then some who clearly struggle.

I wouldn’t send mine to private if it was a struggle but it doesn’t sound like it would be for you.

The teachers have zero idea of income levels etc. We would never divulge that information - outside of me and The Bursar no I’ve would be aware.

Factor in an addition £300 per term for activities, £500 a year uniform (school plus full cricket whites, football kit and rugby stuff) and the £150 a term lunches if not included, and £2k per year sports trips from year 5 if your child is sporty.

Do you have a marketing department at your school?

@KittyKattyFosterMummyYou only have one child you’re putting through private school. OP has two.

Oh and btw - not being funny but £28k for 2 kids in private education is nothing. You won’t be at the bottom end on your salary at the school you are looking at - not even remotely. For context, we pay that for each child now and I know some have higher and some have Lowe incomes than you.

Pumper I'm just going to ignore you now as it's boring me & Im sure others on the thread too. Perhaps you haven't learnt anything but it was not just me who found you abrasive (maybe read through the thread tmw). I do hope you find some happiness in the future though!

@Pumperthepumper is not a teacher. Teachers do not get involved in marketing models or projections.

Only the bursar will know about financial status and that's only if financial help is required. No teacher will be privy to that info. No run of the mill office staff would either.

If a school is doing targeted marketing to what car some one is likely to drive or what holiday the average family is going on they are really missing the mark with their potential reach. They are effectively cutting off huge swaths of demographs which is a shit business model.

I think you dug yourself a in hole with there pumper.

I would put money on it either you dont/havnt worked in a private school or you were office staff that held a grudge against wealthier people/held them in admiration. and gossiped about what car you thought they had or where they went on holiday.

I worked all last summer as I work with the NHS, my DH took the kids to alcudia for a week. Many many of my friends kids who's parents work within the NHS or in fact law where there is a huge back log - stayed in summer school camps - the entire time.

I also have a school mum friend who drives a covid bus - her child was in school all summer.

Where are your projections there? What car do we drive?

@gattey

Pumper I'm just going to ignore you now as it's boring me & Im sure others on the thread too. Perhaps you haven't learnt anything but it was not just me who found you abrasive (maybe read through the thread tmw). I do hope you find some happiness in the future though!

Oh you’re going to ignore me now? After chasing me through this thread? That’s good of you.

@Motheroftigers I should have took your advice earlier!

You're probably be somewhere on the Miele.

But IME kids going to private school fir secondary often develop an unhealthy obsession with money and start focusing on how much they have, how much their parents are worth, and its really horrible

Something to bear in mind