To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

@gattey

You are hard work pumper 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do I deserve the personal attacks? You’re the one dishing them out, why so reluctant to say?

I think you deserve to be told you are hard work, yes. Sorry I thought that was clear. Perhaps you will learn something!

If you can't afford all the possible added extras to pay for, yes, your child will feel it and other children will notice. Your child will notice that they cannot go on that Ski trip or mountaineering trip, or have the fencing lessons, the music lessons etc etc. The fees are just the beginning.

@gattey

I think you deserve to be told you are hard work, yes. Sorry I thought that was clear. Perhaps you will learn something!

Do I deserve the ‘I don’t believe you’re a teacher’ and ‘poor kids’?

We don’t know individual salaries for every parent group.

Of course you don't

We have 2 kids at independent in an affluent town in the south east.

The school itself is brilliant and caring but I have hated the interactions with parents. And the main display of wealth seems to be cars. I am frequently parking up next to Ferraris and Bentleys in my ancient car that squeaks. So embarrassing.

I find the casual ostentatiousness appalling. And the kids do pick up on it even from a young age. My sons class friend has frequently told him that his dad has 30 million pounds and a 10 bedroom house in Portugal.

If I could go back in time I would move to a less affluent more community focussed town.

Scrolled through your posts OP and I can’t see where you’re based?

If it’s the London area or the south and you’re looking to send your kids to an Eaton or harrow levrl school then maybe.

I went to a private school, parents earned less than you do but then this was 15 years ago so Inflation etc. I definitely wasn’t the poorest as some children were there on bursaries or scholarships etc so I didn’t feel like a peasant amongst princesses. But DF was made redundant and found it hard to find another high paying role, that’s just one thing to bear in mind. I did feel a little embarrassed though (during Dfs redundant period) by our family car, we only had one (bmw 3 series) and the kids i took the bus with got dropped off in a different car each day of the week. Same story with the level of hotels we stayed at on holiday, i remember going to NY and we stayed in the Hilton in time square (so pricey lol) but my peers (cool kids) used to stay in places like the plaza.

If you want your children to go, I don’t think them potentially feeling ‘poor’ is a reason to not send them as in the grand scheme of things, you aren’t you both are rather successful. Saying that though, I wouldn’t send my children to private school, my experience has put me off. The children, most particularly the boys were vile human beings, bullying was rife and teachers did nothing (no ofsted= no consequences) teachers often actually joined in the bullying, suicide was relatively high, eating disorders too. Yes it out performed the state schools but you had entrance exams so any children with additional needs was immediately weeded out. Yes more academic opportunities but realistically no 16 year old needs to learn Ancient Greek.

@Changethefloorthroughout

If you worked as a teacher, how did you know the cars the parents drove and the newspapers they read? Sorry Pumper but you are being a bit disingenuous on this thread.

Through marketing surveys. I’m trying to find the one we used, if I find it I’ll post it here. But you won’t need it - google your chosen private school and you should find a profile of their demographic.

Ouch, personal attack 🙄

Our income is a bit less than yours and I think our DC is the 'poor one' at her private school. However, it makes not one difference to the children, DC gets to have playdates with friends at some amazing houses and then they come to ours for a regular house playdate.

I'm quite 'this is who we are' and don't get into lifestyle inflation to compete, no problems so far, but be prepared to not be wowed yourselves by some of the wealth on show, it can be insidious if you let it

No, I’m not seeing these demographics you speak of, Pumper …

@Changethefloorthroughout haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but wanted to add, unfortunately children will know and possibly make a 'big deal' out of it.
You might not have any pressing issues, but where you live, the types of activities your children partake in, clothes they'll turn up in on non uniform days will all have an impact on their 'social standing'.
They'll probably have a nickname, used behind their backs to describe status or they won't have any issues and make lovely friends.
Depends on how much you can keep up with the 'rich kids' in some instances.
I'm speaking from experience (going back 20 odd years).

It does, might I add, depend on the school too. A small independent school may not be as 'brutal' as the larger competitive ones.

Good luck on whatever you decide

@Changethefloorthroughout

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

On that income you think they might feel poor? Do you know what poor feels like?

@gattey

Perhaps you need to develop some of that thicker skin you were telling the OP about pumper...

Maybe I do. I’ve found your dogged pursuit of me quite upsetting.

@Changethefloorthroughout

No, I’m not seeing these demographics you speak of, Pumper …

If you PM me your chosen school I’ll be able to do it for you. Although I’d understand why you wouldn’t want to. But the information is there.

I went to a GDST and had friends in mansions and friends in 3 bed terraces. I very much doubt she'll be made to feel poor.

Actually Flashy, yeah, I do. I grew up in a modestly comfortable home, but things got suddenly and dramatically worse for me when I lost my mother. I ended up homeless at one point, so I do know poor.

However, my thread wasn’t talking about poor. It was taking about feeling comparatively poor. Twisting the wording of the thread isn’t big or clever.

Maybe I do. I’ve found your dogged pursuit of me quite upsetting.

You do & I think you made @Changethefloorthroughout feel similar. As I said you might learn something.

We live in SW London and have a similar income and our sending ours to private school for secondary. There are a few very rich families but I would say lots of the families we know are living in 3/4 bed terrace houses. We don’t feel poor at all.

@gattey

Maybe I do. I’ve found your dogged pursuit of me quite upsetting.

You do & I think you made @Changethefloorthroughout feel similar. As I said you might learn something.

I disagree. I didn’t personally attack anyone.

But look at you pretending you rode in on your white horse to teach people a lesson in…….something.

A lot will depend on the school you choose. Our DDs attended six schools between them (we move a lot) and in the first one we were probably near the bottom of the income bracket on the equivalent of around £80k in the early 2000s, but it was primary school, so not too many extras to pay for and I wasn’t working, but could have gone back to work if necessary. Children at that age don’t notice what others have or don’t have, so no issues there.
When we moved back to the UK in 2003 DH was employed on an ‘enhanced salary’ in a hard to recruit to post in an area where in general, salaries were lower than where we’d moved from, so we were probably in the middle in terms of income. Our mortgage was around what you’re paying, but at that time fees were just over £1,000 a term, so £10k per year (we have three DDs). This was infant/junior, so most parents were around a similar income level, but once they got to senior school there was more of a mix and lots of girls joined on scholarships and bursaries as well as parents who’d remortgaged to pay fees and those whose grandparents were paying. I honestly don’t think it occurred to the girls to judge others on the type of house they lived in, or what extras they did (we never did the skiing or overseas sport trips, but did the local ones, DofE and European exchanges), or where they went on holiday etc. Most schools have thriving second hand uniform shops, so that doesn’t have to be expensive either and they tend to be decent quality too.
If you’re looking at public schools or expensive boarding schools in a wealthy area where participation in all extra curricular activities is expected, it may well be a different experience!
Beware of rising fees too. The last lot of 3x fees we had was in 2013 and was £35k, so in ten years they rose by £25k and DH’s salary definitely hadn’t risen in line with it, he was on pretty much what he was in 2003 (he’s a Dr). As you’re only thinking of it for secondary, you probably won’t have quite such a hike though!