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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas card etiquette

58 replies

Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:08

Help me solve a friendly disagreement please.

I have been with DP for 2 years, living together for a year. My DP and I have met each others’ parents but they (the parents) have not met each other. This is partly due to covid, partly geography.

My DM wants to send my partner’s parents a Christmas card. I am refusing to hand over their address, on the grounds it is weird AF to send a card to someone you have never met or communicated with. I am a 40 year old woman with a mortgage, not a 15 year old whose boyfriend comes round to my parents’ house for tea after school. It feels like she is inserting herself into my adult relationships, though I realise that’s perhaps a bit unreasonable of me. We have a good relationship generally (I’m an only child).

DM thinks I am being deeply unreasonable and it is rude not to send a card to the parents of the man I am living with. FWIW my DP’s parents do not send cards themselves and he thinks they would likely receive it with a “nice gesture, but a bit weird” sentiment.

So am I being the grinch (YABU) or does she need to back off (YANBU)?

OP posts:
Sux2Buthen · 11/12/2021 19:13

It seems a pretty normal and friendly thing to do.

Sparklesocks · 11/12/2021 19:14

I think it’s quite nice that she wants to make an effort with them but it’s certainly not rude not to send one. I probably wouldn’t mind giving their address.

MissAmbrosia · 11/12/2021 19:16

It's a flipping Xmas card! People used to be brought up with nicer manners than is usual these days. Just give then them the address. My friend has a French mother who says something like "if you can use a knife and fork you can use a pen" and always sends a thankyou card after she's been for lunch. It's not a big deal.

FangsForTheMemory · 11/12/2021 19:16

My late mother would have done this. I discovered after 20-odd years that she was sending Christmas cards to the parents of one of my friends, whom she had never actually met. I thought it was weird of her and she stopped (I thought she was glad of the excuse to, tbh) and so then I was in the wrong with my friend's mother who'd liked the cards! Perhaps it's a generational thing.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 11/12/2021 19:16

Oh, awkward.

I’m with you, I wouldn’t want my parents to do this either.

I can see how your Mum probably thinks it’s a nice thing to do - reach out to people at this time of year. No harm in it.

But yeah, it will probably be received with an air of Confused and likely you don’t want your DP’s parents maybe judging your parents, right?

I haven’t voted either way, and I don’t think either are being U.

But I wouldn’t want my Mum to do this either - purely because I wouldn’t want her to be perceived as doing the ‘wrong’ thing.

Suzi888 · 11/12/2021 19:17

Xmas Envy GRINCH!

MissAmbrosia · 11/12/2021 19:18

My nan and my dad's ex french girlfriend exchanged cards for years.

Onefelloutofthecuckoonest · 11/12/2021 19:18

I think you are being ridiculous. It's not like you have been seeing each other for 3 months. You are living together, so I'm presuming it's a serious relationship.

Is there some reason why you don't want your parents to interact with your partner's parents?

Starcaller · 11/12/2021 19:19

I think it's a generational thing. If you don't want to give the address, then just pass on the card? I don't think it's a big deal, really.

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:21

Ah, this is interesting! DP and I are so firmly in the ‘super weird’ camp that we were convinced everyone else would agree. Seems maybe we are the unreasonable ones!

@LoveGrooveDanceParty you have it spot on when you say she means it as a friendly gesture - that is absolutely it - there’s no ulterior motive to insert herself (that is me being unreasonable).

OP posts:
Zarene · 11/12/2021 19:23

Your mum sounds friendly and welcoming! I can't imagine how it would be badly received.

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:24

@Onefelloutofthecuckoonest

I think you are being ridiculous. It's not like you have been seeing each other for 3 months. You are living together, so I'm presuming it's a serious relationship.

Is there some reason why you don't want your parents to interact with your partner's parents?

No, I guess it just seems odd. She still sends a card to my ex’s parents (we were together for 15 years) which I know they find weird , so perhaps that’s what is colouring my view.

It’s pretty clear that most people think IABU, so that is me told!

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 11/12/2021 19:25

I can understand where she's coming from.

I imagine she want to make a gesture of 'goodwill' to the parents of the person who is your life partner.

However, never having met them it is a bit odd.

If you don't give her the address she can't send one but if it going to cause bad feeling I'd give her the address and let her get on with.

Hopefully it won't affect how they see you. They'll either think it's a nice gesture or that your mother is rather odd.

I must admit it would never occur to me to send cards to my DC's partner's parents, one of whom I've met, one I haven't met.

User135792468 · 11/12/2021 19:25

Yep, it’s you and your Dp in the super weird camp IMO. She’s trying to be nice with a Christmas card. It’s not as if she’s going to turn up on the doorstep and invite herself in for a cup of tea. Chill out and see the nice gesture for what it is. I doubt your Dp’s parents would view it as weird at all.

NigellaSeed · 11/12/2021 19:26

Don't think it's weird at all.

MamaWeasel · 11/12/2021 19:29

My mother still exchanges Christmas cards with my ex's mother. We were together for 5 years, no children between us.......I've been married to current dh for 25 years......... Xmas Hmm

Rose789 · 11/12/2021 19:30

I think it’s nice.
My brothers wife’s parents send me a card every year. I’ve only met them once at brothers wedding 15 years ago. It’s a nice thing to do

CaptaNoctem · 11/12/2021 19:33

Really odd - they may share grandchildren in the future!

Let her send the card. Much easier to have all the inlaws on good terms

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:35

Ok, clearly I am the grinch. I’ll give her the address. 😬

OP posts:
Brevet1000 · 11/12/2021 19:35

It's weird. Why on earth does she need to have anything to do with his parents?
My parents and DHs parents have had contact precisely once. At our wedding.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 11/12/2021 19:42

I think it is a bit odd to send a card to someone you have never met/spoken to.

However I received a card today from the parents of the boy I was going out with in 1993 so..........

cabingirl · 11/12/2021 19:44

@Brevet1000

It's weird. Why on earth does she need to have anything to do with his parents? My parents and DHs parents have had contact precisely once. At our wedding.
Really? My parents and DH's parents have seen each other 2-3 times a year at least since we got married over 15 years ago and they both live in different countries. Apart from the last two Covid years but we've all Zoomed together instead.

If we lived in the same country we'd probably all get together about once or twice a month.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2021 19:48

So they have met - two years ago at your wedding.
It might be your mum is just an all embracing kind of person and wants to send a friendly signal because you are married to their son and they may well meet again in future or also share a grandchild and she'd like them to think of her as a friendly person. If its that, then there's no harm is there?
However if she's a bit of a meddler and has form for interfering in some way then maybe hold off?
Or is she trying to hint to you that she regards them as extended family now that you are married and wouldn't mind seeing a bit more of them?
Either way, it sounds like a generational friendly thing, Only you know if it would cause a problem.
Maybe she could hand it to you and you could forward it with yours?

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:49

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

I think it is a bit odd to send a card to someone you have never met/spoken to.

However I received a card today from the parents of the boy I was going out with in 1993 so..........

I love this. That makes me feel a lot better.

I have given her the address, but now of course it’s received with slight irritation on her part. Plus DP is unhappy about it (I showed him this thread) so I can’t win 😂

OP posts:
gogohm · 11/12/2021 19:50

Bit weird but my mum sends a card to my ex's mum so no weirder than that