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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas card etiquette

58 replies

Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:08

Help me solve a friendly disagreement please.

I have been with DP for 2 years, living together for a year. My DP and I have met each others’ parents but they (the parents) have not met each other. This is partly due to covid, partly geography.

My DM wants to send my partner’s parents a Christmas card. I am refusing to hand over their address, on the grounds it is weird AF to send a card to someone you have never met or communicated with. I am a 40 year old woman with a mortgage, not a 15 year old whose boyfriend comes round to my parents’ house for tea after school. It feels like she is inserting herself into my adult relationships, though I realise that’s perhaps a bit unreasonable of me. We have a good relationship generally (I’m an only child).

DM thinks I am being deeply unreasonable and it is rude not to send a card to the parents of the man I am living with. FWIW my DP’s parents do not send cards themselves and he thinks they would likely receive it with a “nice gesture, but a bit weird” sentiment.

So am I being the grinch (YABU) or does she need to back off (YANBU)?

OP posts:
JingleJingleAllTheWay · 11/12/2021 19:52

I've been with my husband for 11.5yrs. My inlaws and parents have never sent Christmas cards to one another. So you are not being unreasonable.

tara66 · 11/12/2021 19:52

UANBU - they have not even met so why would a card be sent? I don't think people 'do' Xmas cards as much as they used to and I have never sent or received cards from someone I have not met - even when it came to from non-personal contacts - lawyers, accountants, business people etc. - at least I had met them!

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 19:53

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

So they have met - two years ago at your wedding. It might be your mum is just an all embracing kind of person and wants to send a friendly signal because you are married to their son and they may well meet again in future or also share a grandchild and she'd like them to think of her as a friendly person. If its that, then there's no harm is there? However if she's a bit of a meddler and has form for interfering in some way then maybe hold off? Or is she trying to hint to you that she regards them as extended family now that you are married and wouldn't mind seeing a bit more of them? Either way, it sounds like a generational friendly thing, Only you know if it would cause a problem. Maybe she could hand it to you and you could forward it with yours?
We’re not married! We met 2 years ago and he moved in with me at the beginning of the year. Serious relationship but no intention of getting married and I’m 40 so definitely no chance of GC (I don’t have DC already).

You’re right, it’s a friendly, generational thing. And perhaps because I’m an only child there is more focus on our relationship than there would be if I were one of several.

OP posts:
maryzx · 11/12/2021 19:55

OP, a bit late, but I do think you and your DP are the sane ones here.

senorafridgidaire · 11/12/2021 19:56

Weird I think, buuut I think its more normal for those of an older generation. I get christmas and birthday cards from my mother's (now deceased) second husband's, brother's (now deceased) wife, who at the point she started sending them, I had never met.

The first one I received I had to ring my mum and ask who the flip Sybil was...the only clue I had that it was someone connected to my mum was the postmark.

CharlotteRose90 · 11/12/2021 19:56

Bit weird. 2 years isn’t long or serious enough for parents to be all pally especially if you aren’t married. I wouldn’t give my mum my partners parents addresses. It’s weird

phoenixrosehere · 11/12/2021 19:57

I’d feel weird giving my parents’ address out without their permission tbh especially to someone they hadn’t met. If they were all right with it, then no big deal.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 11/12/2021 19:58

So they have met - two years ago at your wedding.

I think you might need to re-read the OP!

Unsuremover · 11/12/2021 20:04

My gran sends Christmas cards to the parents of her childrens ex husbands abs wives, the x’s themselves and recently their children (not grown up) for cards for their weddings. Single handledly keeping the post office afloat. They send cards back, it’s quite sweet after all these years.

choosername1234 · 11/12/2021 20:05

This is exactly the sort of thing my mum would (try) to do.
Is it wrong to still be embarrassed by your parents once you're grown up?

TuftyMarmoset · 11/12/2021 20:16

It’s a bit weird imo, this will be DP’s and my 6th Christmas as a couple, 3rd living together, and I don’t think our parents send each other cards. They’ve met once briefly in passing. They do ask about each other though.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2021 20:19

Sorry for the confusion @Throwaway810 , I think I completely mixed up another poster with you!

I guess it all depends if you think it ends with a Christmas card and its just good natured or if you think it might be a thing further down the line.
Personally I've had a further two friends announce on Facebook, today, to all and sundry, not individually that they are abandoning Christmas cards this year. I'm so sad as Its one of the few times we remind ourselves to catch up with each other and I feel its been keeping our friendships going esp over the Pandemic so I feel like giving up cards altogether.

greenlynx · 11/12/2021 20:20

No, no and no. It feels super weird, especially at your age. I suspect that your DP is trying to be careful and polite with his comments so to get his true reaction (and possible reaction from his parents) multiple by 10.

MindyStClaire · 11/12/2021 20:20

I voted weird.

If they'd met it would be a normal, friendly thing to do - our parents have been sending each other cards since we were teens and exchanging presents for almost as long. Since they haven't met it's a bit "oooh should I buy a hat?!".

Mainly I think your mum should respect your wishes on this.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2021 20:23

@Throwaway810 and I also missed your update. Note to self don't drink wine when posting on MN

Kitkat151 · 11/12/2021 20:23

This is a really weird post🙄. Why would you not give her the address? Are you ashamed of your family ?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 11/12/2021 20:25

@Kitkat151

This is a really weird post🙄. Why would you not give her the address? Are you ashamed of your family ?
But plenty of people posting on this thread do think it is weird.
TuftyMarmoset · 11/12/2021 20:28

@Kitkat151

This is a really weird post🙄. Why would you not give her the address? Are you ashamed of your family ?
It’s weird to give personal information about someone to someone who doesn’t know them at all
GemmaRuby · 11/12/2021 20:29

I think it would be fine once they’ve met… bit weird before, they’ll have to sign the card “Sandra & Dave (Throwaway’s mum and dad)” or DP’s parents won’t know who it’s from.
I would find it a bit awkward personally.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 11/12/2021 20:33

This is like me giving a card to every person on the street I've just moved onto - many of whom I've never met or even seen from a distance!

Original poster
Throwaway810 · 11/12/2021 20:35

@GemmaRuby

I think it would be fine once they’ve met… bit weird before, they’ll have to sign the card “Sandra & Dave (Throwaway’s mum and dad)” or DP’s parents won’t know who it’s from. I would find it a bit awkward personally.
Yup, it’s this exactly. If they’d met I’d be fine with it. Also, as I have tried to explain to DM, without success DP’s parents are not falling over themselves to send HER a card, so they will hardly think her rude for not doing so…

I’ve appreciated the variety of comments here, thanks all. Funny how such a trivial thing can take up so much mental and emotional energy!

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 11/12/2021 20:37

I don't think that my parents and mil ever exchanged cards, I exchange them with my daughter's in-laws however, I'm not sure that there is a hard and fast rule.

Wingedharpy · 11/12/2021 20:37

On behalf of the old folk, it is most definitely NOT a generational thing.
It's a Christmas thing that SOME people, regardless of age, like to indulge in.
I'm with you and your DP OP - unnecessary and weird as f**k.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/12/2021 20:45

We haven’t met ds1’s fiancée’s parents (thanks to covid and distance), though we have spoken to them on the phone, but when I had covid and was in hospital, they sent me some chocolates and a card, and we have sent them a card and present for Christmas.

We are going to be family, and we just want to be friendly towards them - I don’t see anything odd about that.

TurnUpTurnip · 11/12/2021 20:47

I think it’s really weird so I’m surprised at these comments