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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want us to be my brother-in-law's guarantor

69 replies

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:00

My husband's brother has severe anxiety and depression and can't work. I've never met him (DH and I have been together nearly 10 years) but I do feel some responsibility to help him: after all, he is family and I hope that one day, when he is ready, I will get to meet him. We occasionally buy him food if he doesn't have any or pay his electric/gas bills so he has warmth. He was recently asked to leave the place he was renting and doesn't have any money to rent a new place (he is on disability and, from what I understand, has been using this until now to pay rent but now doesn't have any money for a renters deposit).

He has asked DH if we will please be his guarantor on a new place. He has a history of non-payment of rent and doesn't manage his money very well (not that that is my business usually but in this case, I think it's relevant).

I've said to DH I am not comfortable doing it. I want to help. We can send food and pay for bills but we can't be ultimately responsible for his rent ongoing. We have a baby due in 3 weeks as well, so our responsibilities, financially, are going to increase without having to potentially pay living costa for a fully grown man.

Husband isn't sure what to do, and I get why he's upset by the situation. Am I being unreasonable by putting my foot down on what we will pay for my brother in law?

OP posts:

Ragruggers · 11/12/2021 18:28

I don’t know if this service exists in Scotland but here in the south west is Disability Cornwall.They can manage a persons’s money ,pay bill etc.I believe they can help arrange housing for vulnerable persons.Try and find out if this is available.The local housing centre can give bonds to cover deposits for housing.If he is unable to manage his money he may be willing to let someone do this for him he will also be helped to obtain all the benefits he is entitled to.Worth a try.Do not lend him money it will end badly.

andtherewere2 · 11/12/2021 18:30

BIL can approach housing association, if he is on disability benefits and has become homeless they can rehouse him temporarily then with points for disability he will get in housing list for a place. All without needing a guarantor
They can also help out with deposit for new place if private rental

I would not be a guarantor in this situation as it puts all your finances and own home seriously at risk. You haven't even met him!!! He's hardly close. And you know he will default on rent at some stage. BIL is asking too much and it's selfish.

andtherewere2 · 11/12/2021 18:31

Sorry - housing dept I meant - not housing association.

NeverEndingFireworks · 11/12/2021 18:34

only do anything like this if you can afford to lose the money. If it would impact on your own family and quality of life if he defaults - then no.

Bobsyer · 11/12/2021 18:35

If you can afford to easily pay his rent alongside yours/your mortgage, plus your new baby, then ok.

If you can't - or you can but don't want to - then don't. Never get into a guarantor situation unless you're confident you can pay the entire contractual amount.

HollowTalk · 11/12/2021 18:36

Is he really so mentally fragile but he can't cope with meeting his brother's wife? What is he like for keeping his appointments with his GP? I wonder whether some sort of sheltered accommodation might suit him better.I'm sure that's not easy to get but could that be suggested?

Redcart21 · 11/12/2021 18:36

Do not do this. MIL did this for her brother and ended up filing for bankruptcy as she couldn’t afford to cover her brothers expenses. She says it’s the biggest mistake of her life but at the time he really needed her support and thought she’d do it as “he is family.”

Imworkingonit · 11/12/2021 18:41

Definitely no.

My dad became a guarantor for his brother when I was a toddler. He felt guilted into it by family so signed without really understanding the implications. His brother defaulted and my parents lost the money they had saved towards a house deposit. They never recovered financially.

I also agree with a pp. I have a guarantor agreement to sign for my dd (uni) and it seems I'lll be liable for anything and everything that could potentially need paying for...rent plus absolutely anything else from what I'm reading! I'm only considering it as I'll be paying the rent anyway and will pay insurance to cover if the other sharers default. In your situation though, absolutely no way!

Gensola · 11/12/2021 18:47

No way. DH’s son who is 26 asked him to be a guarantor and we had to say no as we literally couldn’t afford to pay his rent if he didn’t pay, he got very angry and said it was only paperwork and of course he’d pay etc. Then covid hit and he lost his job and couldn’t pay the rent and had to move home. If we had signed as his guarantor we would have been in minus figures every month ourselves and unable to buy food. Do not do this!!

whynotwhatknot · 11/12/2021 18:48

no sorry i wouldnt i wasnt asked directly but my dsis once hinted at it and i said sorry but no-shes never not paid her rent but who knows thing can change-you'd be responsible for paying his rent plus debt and interest

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:49

@HollowTalk That's the conversation we've had with him: every time we suggest visiting (which to be fair, hasn't been often, maybe 5ish times over the 10 years, not including COVID times) he's always felt like he's not ready yet. He does also go long periods with never leaving the house- we're talking months. I actually don't know about the GP but he has mentioned going a few times. He has also been sanctioned (I think that's the term???) for not showing up for benefit meetings so actually I'm not so sure about the GP thing now...

OP posts:

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:50

Thanks @Ragruggers and @andtherewere2 these are good suggestions. I really don't know where to start with this stuff so all suggestions are welcome!

OP posts:

AlCalavicci · 11/12/2021 18:51

Absolutely no, don't do it.
A guarantor is just that , you and your DH are guaranteeing that you will pay for your DBIL if he defaults on it .
Even if he finds somewhere really cheap to live , say £500 per month could you afford to pay that indefinitely ? plus there is likely to be back dated rent that he owes if he has not paid even for just two months that £1000 , plus £500 for the next month so you could be out of pocket to the tune of £1,500 in 6 weeks and that does not include and cost that may have built up .

He needs help sorting his finances out , can your DH help point him in the right direction for that , ie CAB , local council , gov.co.uk (to make sure he is claiming all the benefits he can )
Long term this would be much more useful for him.

If you can comfortably afford it you could offer to pay all / part of a deposit for him and / or the first month or two rent but your DH needs to make it very very clear that this is a one off thing and you can not pay any more that that .

If your DH is still undecided ( which I would fully understand ) write out a estimated shopping list of things you will need for your new baby nappies etc on top of your normal weekly shopping.

Add up the cost , add that to your normal shopping / bills/ rent / mortgage etc
Can you still afford to pay out £1,500 ?

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:52

Wow @Gensola that sounds like it could have gotten very scary! And you raise a good point: COVID. His benefits went up at the beginning of
COVID but I think they've gone down again and there's no saying what'll happen in the future. Too unpredictable.

OP posts:

AlCalavicci · 11/12/2021 18:57

Ohh I cross post with a few there , particularly @Totalwasteofpaper , we said much the same .

DelphiniumBlue · 11/12/2021 19:01

Just be aware, it's not just rent for the stated duration of the tenancy that you would be guaranteeing, it's rent until he moves out, plus costs etc- so if a landlord evicted him 18 months down the line and he hasn't paid the rent for any of that time, you would be responsible for it, and probably legal fees on top plus any damage to the flat. You'd have to be pretty well off to be able to cover that. As a poster said, you might not be able to ,on an income basis, ans taking into account your own outgoings. Don't do it!

Yummymummy2020 · 11/12/2021 19:03

Please don’t do it it’s a really terrible idea and emotions so easily cloud common sense in these situations!

Houseplantmad · 11/12/2021 19:04

You can pay to get a third party to be his guarantor ie outsource it. Try a company like housinghand.co.uk.

We're going to subscribe as DD will be sharing with 6 other uni (new) friends next year and it will mitigate any liability we could face if any of them default on rent.

crowsfeet57 · 11/12/2021 19:04

Why has he been using his disability money (DLA or PIP) to pay his rent? He should have been getting Housing benefit with his UC to cover his rent.

He needs to go to the local council, they should be able to help him. Tbh though, I would get your DH to have a close look at his budget. The only situation in which the council would not need to help him is if he has made himself intentionally homeless and non-payment of rent does put him in that category.

Do not guarantee his rent unless you can afford to lose that money.

VikingOnTheFridge · 11/12/2021 19:06

The only way I'd do it is if I could afford and was happy to pay his rent every month. It doesn't sound like that's you.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 11/12/2021 19:07

Suggest he rings CAB to check his benefit entitlement..

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2021 19:14

You can't agree to take on someone elses open ended possible future debt when you are about to have a baby. I'd help as much as I was able to with stuff like deposit and first month rent, and practical stuff like applying to HA properties etc but that's too much of an ask

saraclara · 11/12/2021 19:14

So even your DP hadn't seen his brother for ten years?

No way should either of you be guarantors for someone you don't know/barely know any more. It's a massive responsibility to be a guarantor even for someone you know well and see regularly. In this case it would be insane.

OhGiveOverDeary · 11/12/2021 19:14

If asked I would not even be a guarantor for my own children. I will pay their bills for them, buy all their food, give them money for rates, cars, petrol, anything they need in fact , but there is no way I will put my name to anything like that
It's too risky

BlushingBrightly · 11/12/2021 19:23

I know some will think this harsh. And anxiety can be a very debilitating condition. But I would not want to be paying rent for someone that I'd never met and for whom it was too traumatic for them even to try to meet me in person for 10 years.

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