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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want us to be my brother-in-law's guarantor

69 replies

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:00

My husband's brother has severe anxiety and depression and can't work. I've never met him (DH and I have been together nearly 10 years) but I do feel some responsibility to help him: after all, he is family and I hope that one day, when he is ready, I will get to meet him. We occasionally buy him food if he doesn't have any or pay his electric/gas bills so he has warmth. He was recently asked to leave the place he was renting and doesn't have any money to rent a new place (he is on disability and, from what I understand, has been using this until now to pay rent but now doesn't have any money for a renters deposit).

He has asked DH if we will please be his guarantor on a new place. He has a history of non-payment of rent and doesn't manage his money very well (not that that is my business usually but in this case, I think it's relevant).

I've said to DH I am not comfortable doing it. I want to help. We can send food and pay for bills but we can't be ultimately responsible for his rent ongoing. We have a baby due in 3 weeks as well, so our responsibilities, financially, are going to increase without having to potentially pay living costa for a fully grown man.

Husband isn't sure what to do, and I get why he's upset by the situation. Am I being unreasonable by putting my foot down on what we will pay for my brother in law?

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 11/12/2021 18:03

Nope. You’re responsible for keeping a roof over your own head and your child’s. Don’t risk that for anyone.

Tippexy · 11/12/2021 18:04

Not in a million years.

It would be absolute madness

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/12/2021 18:04

I hope your partner listens because this could easily become a nightmare for you.

He needs to ask himself how you would manage if you had to pay his brother's rent for 6 months?

confettiballoons · 11/12/2021 18:04

Not at all. I sympathise for those with illnesses and I think continue to do what you can with food and bills but there’s no way you should be guarantor for thousands.

mogsrus · 11/12/2021 18:05

No yanbu The situation could nosedive at any moment stick to your guns. Everything in a financial situation rests entirely on your shoulders should you go ahead .

oviraptor21 · 11/12/2021 18:05

He can ask the council to help with a deposit if he is on benefits.
Where is living at the moment?

BrightonOrLancaster · 11/12/2021 18:06

Why have you not met him in 10 years?

NotTheMrMenAgain · 11/12/2021 18:07

Hell no! Wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. YANBU. Your DH might want to continue to support his DB, but your family unit and the baby need to come first, or he'll end up subsiding his DB for the rest of his life to the disadvantage of the rest of you. He's got a history of not paying rent, and past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

Popopopo · 11/12/2021 18:08

We were in a similar situation recently with bil and it was a hard no from me. With 2 small children we couldn't take the risk of being responsible for his rent on top of all our other expenses, it wasn't worth the risk. Don't feel bad, your family have to come first

mogsrus · 11/12/2021 18:09

The other worry I would definitely have is Would you be able to cope for god knows how long if one or both of you stop getting an income .?.

Perilous times are here at the moment & it won’t change by next Wednesday, savings disappear in a heartbeat,

LaurieFairyCake · 11/12/2021 18:10

Hopefully you actually can't

We were going to do DD's but we needed 50 times the rent as an annual salary - and the rent was £1300 a month

So £65k minimum salary to guarantor

Berthatydfil · 11/12/2021 18:12

Can you afford to pay his rent on top of yours every month for the full length of the tenancy and not miss the money?

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:19

@BrightonOrLancaster he lives in Scotland and we're south England and part of his anxiety is social anxiety. He's happy to chat to me through my husband on the phone but I think the thought of meeting someone new is daunting to him.

@oviraptor21 he's in Scotland and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure what the situation is in terms of disability payments and allowances.

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel a little less bad for not wanting to help more. Isn't there a saying that if you save someone's life, you become responsible for that life? It's not as dramatic as that but I do feel like because we help with food and bills, we've kind of become responsible for more and it can be difficult to see where to draw the line when you're in the thick of it!

OP posts:

MintJulia · 11/12/2021 18:20

No, absolutely not.

If your dh is determined to help, he could loan him part or all of a deposit, but definitely don't be a guarantor. You could end up homeless yourself because it is an open ended liability.
Is it a council or HA property? Could you help him to arrange an exchange?

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:21

And the answer to the questions about paying for his rent is 100% no! He says he just needs it for paper work and will always pay his rent but I just don't see he word as enough in this scenario.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 11/12/2021 18:22

You've I think said he's needed help in the past financially which means he will in the future most likely. I did this for my dd at uni, the liability I signed for was staggering.

simonisnotme · 11/12/2021 18:23

no no no
he defaults on payments (and he will because he knows your liable)
you pay up with added interest and a buggered credit history

Original poster

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2021 18:24

@MintJulia honestly, I'm not sure but I'll get husband to ask him to look into possibilities like that more. To be honest, I know very little about the welfare system and leave it to BIL and husband to sort that stuff out. But maybe we can do more to help him out organisationally by looking into options for him, even if we can't help financially

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/12/2021 18:25

Absolutely not. You're saying "oh but he's family" but I doubt he'll have the same thought process when he decides not to pay his rent

honeyytoast · 11/12/2021 18:26

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable - you sound like a very kind person who already tries to help a lot. You can continue to support in other ways without putting yourself in financial danger

PyjamaFan · 11/12/2021 18:26

I definitely wouldn't do this. I know it's harsh but you and your DH would be liable if he defaults.

I agree with your last post, you can help him in other ways.

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/12/2021 18:26

No.
Your child comes first.
I am on fairly decent enhanced maternity and have a good household income. There is NO way I would agree to this.

If he defaults it is likely to be at the back end of your maternity when things are likely to already be financially uncomfortable.

I would literally sit your DH down and say "show me how our finances will work if he defaults in 3 months.
Show me how we can cover the full amount of his rental at a rate of X per month for Y months (It may well be 18 month or 2 year) on top of our current expenditures against our reduced income.

Make sure to factor in not only current outgoings but cost of nappies, baby classes and applicqble day care costs

Seeing it in black and white may make your husband understand

Dibble135 · 11/12/2021 18:27

There is a huge difference between helping family in need and taking on this. You could ultimately end up with a CCJ not just for rent but legal and eviction fees.

If you will struggle saying no, you could claim to have something in your financial history which means you wouldn’t pass the credit check. No need to make up details. You would like to help but can’t…

QuestionNumberOne · 11/12/2021 18:27

If you agree to it you’re agreeing to fuck your own life up.

Do not do it.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 11/12/2021 18:28

He has a history of non-payment of rent

There is no excuse for this, the claimiant can tick one of two boxes on their benefit form; rent money to be paid directly to the landlord or rent money to be paid directly to themselves. So he is choosing to have the rent money paid directly to himself then spending it. No way would I be helping him out, he clearly chooses to fritter the money that he is given to cover his rent away rather than pay the landlord what he is owe them.

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