to ask if what is healthy relationship like?

[Secretdancers]

I am in the process of getting divorced and stbxh is trying to manipulate me by telling me our, what I perceive toxic relationship, is completely normal.
I need some reassurance. If you're in a happy, healthy long term relationship, what is it like? No relationship is perfect, so in a healthy relationship, what are the 'not perfect' bits?
How does a good relationship make you feel? I desperately want to know, so that I know what I should be hoping for if I'm ever lucky enough to find someone new..

I've never been in a non-healthy relationship, so it's hard to compare. I've been with dh for 20 years. We don't row, never shout or call each other names. We treat each other as equals, and are not resentful, goady or manipulative with each other.

We enjoy lots of the same stuff and spend most of our time together and with our teen dc. We have a laugh. We get on well with each other's extended family. I think we are pretty hapy with the way parenting and household stuff has been shared between us. Essentially he's my best friend as well as my husband. He can be a little bit grumpy when he's stressed at work. I can be a bit pernickety when I'm stressed about planning ahead for things. But that's about the extent of our issues tbh!

Me and dh don't have any issues. He helps around the house and with cooking etc. We don't argue / shout or call each other names. We both have our own friends and hobbies. We disagree on very little but we're able to discuss them without falling out.
We'll give each other lifts to see friends, if one of us is tired then the other picks up the housework or cooking.
I occasionally moan at him for leaving a light on or the TV on with nobody watching it but that's about it.

I would consider my relationship to be healthy. We can disagree etc without turning on each other. ‘Arguments’ are basically discussions. We never call each other names, don’t criticise each other and we apologise for our actions, we never blame each other. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader so I talk to him. I think we both can let stuff go and don’t constantly bring up stuff that happened in the past.
We have fun together and we laugh at ourselves and each other. I enjoy his company. We want same things in life. We have hobbies we do together and hobbies we do separately. There is mutual respect and trust. We are there for each other when life throws curveballs.

I don’t believe that it’s your partners job to make you happy. You have to bring that to the relationship yourself. As much as I love him and adore him he also drives me mad. Neither of us is perfect and that’s okay.

We like and respect each other, and we make a point of acknowledging and thanking each other for their contribution to something frequently: resentment builds up when one or both people feel invisible or taken for granted, and I think it’s one of the commonest reasons for relationship discontent. We actively choose to be together rather than stay together out of habit (though I acknowledge this one is easier when, like us, you’re each financially well off and independent and are childfree.) We have a lot of sex, and it’s something we prioritise, because once you let that aspect of your relationship tail off it’s difficult to get started again, and then you just become housemates.

The “not perfect” bits arise from the reality that we’re two separate people and ultimately we don’t always think the same way or have the same perspective. Occasionally that means one of us will do something without realising that their actions might make the other feel a certain way; or one of us will perceive something in a different way to how it was intended. And what’s important in those sorts of situations is that we communicate about it, we explain and apologise (and mean it), and we move on. We don’t argue or bicker or insult each other over it, and we don’t hold grudges over it and then bring it up again two months later.

Me and dh maintain hugely separate social lives and interests and allow each other time and space to do that. If we argue we stick to the subject and o e of us will take time out before it comes to horrible bitching and rehashing. We love and respect each other and tell each other that often. We acknowledge our very different personalities and ways of dealing with stress and life in general. I feel very very loved and secure.

All the above seem to me to have important and very valid things to say. All I would add is that it shouldn't seem to be a struggle. Nor to need 'work' by one party but not the other. Absolutely nothing manipulative. Nor a need for either to fit in with anyone else's preconceived ideas. What works for both of you and makes you both happy is fine. Just respect each other and try to help and support each other.

Someone once said that relationships are like cogwheels. We fit where we touch. It doesn't matter if other parts of the cogwheel will never mesh together so long as we respect each other's differences - and - vitally, essentially important - those differences don't hurt us.

Freedom Programme course might help you here. It covers what a healthy relationship with a decent-but-imperfect partner looks like.

I’ve been married for nearly 35 years and I would trust dh with my life
I know that he is always there for me, even if he does annoy me sometimes, I know that if I need him, he’s there for me

We laugh together and we try to make each other laugh (send each other stuff we know the other would like), we're considerate of each other, we never slag off the other to other people, we drive each other mad but speaking personally, the bits that do annoy the very tits off me, are the bits that I will cry about if he dies before me. He's my very best friend and the one I want to tell my news to, moan to, cry on, laugh with, snog etc. We're different, but it works for us together. Married for 26 years.

@rainbowandglitter

Me and dh don't have any issues. He helps around the house and with cooking etc. We don't argue / shout or call each other names. We both have our own friends and hobbies. We disagree on very little but we're able to discuss them without falling out. We'll give each other lifts to see friends, if one of us is tired then the other picks up the housework or cooking. I occasionally moan at him for leaving a light on or the TV on with nobody watching it but that's about it.

He 'helps' ?

Oh and we DO go to bed on an argument (although we argue rarely) Sometimes, it's a situational thing (overtired, stressed etc.) and there really is nothing to get upset over. We go to bed, ignoring each other and then have a wry smile or sometimes laugh about it in the morning....or we agree to disagree, as that's fine too.

Pretty much the same as above. We actually like each other, we laugh a lot together. When I first met my husband he had been married before.. he asked me permission to go away with some friends for the weekend after about 4 mths of dating. I was like. what the hell are you asking me for? You're a grown man, do what you like. And that's pretty much how its been since - his first wife wouldn't let him do anything and bless him he was too young, inexperienced and loyal to do much about it. There is massive respect either side but we both do lead sometimes quite independent lives. I can cheerfully go on a girls holiday/weekend/night out with no issues and the same for him. I trust him 100%. We do a lot of things together though but essentially I was 41 when I got married and used to an independent life and wouldn't want that to be curtailed in anyway. We have had one or two "big" arguments, but we have never called each other names or sworn at each other. It is mainly a heated discussion that is normally needed to smooth out frustrations on both sides. I waited a long time to meet him and missed out on having children but I think if I had married boyfriends before he came along i would be divorced now. Not that's a bad thing but I just know my previous relationships were not as healthy as this one.

I feel loved even when he does my head in. We share chores and childcare. If we're bickering, we don't resort to name calling or bringing up past annoyances. We apologise if we've been arseholes towards each other.

Lots of different ways of doing relationships are healthy. Mine is not the only 'right' way, but here it is anyway.

Me and DH are best friends as well as lovers. He's my go to person for everything. There is no feeling I can't confide in him. He is kind above all, and I do my best to be kind too. We never say a bad word about the other, to each other or to anyone else.
We have never had an argument. If he does something I don't like, I wait until a bit later when I no longer feel emotional about it. We then discuss it calmly and attempt to see the other's point of view, and compromise. Not having arguments means we have neither of us ever been angry at the other and said hurtful things.
I respect him and his opinions even if I disagree with them. He respects me.
In bed he is giving and cares about me more than himself. He doesn't watch porn, go to strip clubs, or do anything else which disrespects and harms women. We would both consider these things cheating. We are each other's only source of sexual pleasure.
I trust him completely. He has my back. I am his first person.

This is obviously a marriage, not the early stages of a relationship. A healthy relationship in the early stages would obviously look different.

Relationships should not be hard work but they do involve tolerance, compromise, acceptance of differences and, above all, communication. If small problems are discussed as soon as the emerge they are less likely to become big problems. We've been married 29 years, our relationship is considered successful by family & friends although we come from very different backgrounds. We allow each other to pursue our own interests but also spend time together regularly. We are also quite tactile we touch each other a lot nd have a strong physical relationship 😉

you often hear people saying relationships need to be 'worked at'- and I really disagree with that!
Your primary relationship should be what nourishes you, your safe place from which you go out into the world. It shouldn't be a place of effort and struggle. You need to be a team and on the same side- especially if you have children. You need (IMO) to have very similar values about the things that matter to you. You need to both feel secure in yourselves and each other so that you can do stuff seperately as well as together.
Of course the sex needs to be good, and you need to have compatible sexual appetites/needs.

After years in various relationships with nice men, great men, not so nice men, I would say there are only three key pillars you need for a successful relationship:

• Physical attraction
• Kindness/Consideration
• The same values (if he dreams of joining the circus while you are an accountant looking to buy a second home, it doesnt matter how much you laugh together, it's not going to work)

stillwerise I absolutely agree. Relationships should not be a struggle, nor any sort of attempt (artificially) to please, or to conceal, or to manipulate. On either side. It's not about power. It's most definitely not about being afraid. The Freedom Programme (mentioned above) sounds like a good idea, if OP feels she would like to do it.
Otherwise, looking back at my own experience, is the other partner in your relationship ready to do all kinds of mucky tasks when you are very ill? And ditto for your children (if any)? Even more important, perhaps, will BOTH of you willingfully - joyfully, even - take on the various - fair shares - routine cleaning, bin-emptying, etc etc etc mundane household responsibilities, NOT because you are a martyr, but because you want to help the other person; because making their life good makes your shared life better?

It makes me so sad to read these beautiful descriptions.. It's so far from my own experience of marriage.

I'd agree with people saying it shouldn't be hard work. Been with DH 18 years and I know if I come home tired and stressed he will make me feel better. My home is my safe space, where no one shouts, swears or is rude to anyone else. None of us are anywhere close to perfect, but we are kind to each other. As for the non perfect bits, we are both a bit messy, and sometimes that irritates me, but its not a big deal. That is about all I can think of TBH

you often hear people saying relationships need to be 'worked at'- and I really disagree with that!

Me too. If it's hard work to treat your partner kindly and respectfully and to enjoy their company then you're either not a very nice person or you're with the wrong partner. (Although sometimes traumatic events like bereavement or grave illness can cause a repationship to falter and need working on, but that's a bit different.)

He's my favourite person to be around. We don't go out a lot as we have young kids with some problems but we always make time for each other and have a good time, whether that's going out occasionally or having a drink and takeaway at home. He makes me feel safe, secure, he makes me laugh, we have in depth talks about anything and everything and we have a lot of great sex.

The two most important things are kindness and respect. Being there for each other, no nastiness or blame when someone makes a mistake. DH always listens to me even if he disagrees with me.

I can barely read this. It really highlights how awful my relationship is. OP I know how you feel. It is strange how you can go through life accepting such bad treatment to the point where it feels completely normal. I literally can not imagine experiencing any of the nice things that are described here. Hope you find a healthy relationship in the future OP and a massive congratulations for escaping your bad one!

secretdancers I am so very sorry. Is there anything anyone can do to help? Please do seek it if at all possible (and I do understand that might be difficult).
Your GP/Health visitor at refirst port of call.
Women's Aid, family, work, friends etc? Otherwise online (gender neutral) - not just about 'abuse'; about happy normality:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/