to ask if what is healthy relationship like?

[Secretdancers]

I am in the process of getting divorced and stbxh is trying to manipulate me by telling me our, what I perceive toxic relationship, is completely normal.
I need some reassurance. If you're in a happy, healthy long term relationship, what is it like? No relationship is perfect, so in a healthy relationship, what are the 'not perfect' bits?
How does a good relationship make you feel? I desperately want to know, so that I know what I should be hoping for if I'm ever lucky enough to find someone new..

Mammadeze also. My heart goes out to you. Is there any way anyone can help you?

I've been with dh for 20 years. We don't row, never shout or call each other names. We treat each other as equals, and are not resentful, goady or manipulative with each other.

That pretty much describes us. We celebrated our ruby wedding anniversary this year. We are quite different in that DH is an extreme introvert to the point of never wanting to make friends, whereas I like to enrich my life by having other people in it, but he doesn’t mind that I go out with friends and he doesn’t.

He helps round the house. Yes, he needs to be reminded, but I think he as ADD and is possibly on the ASD spectrum. He is always offering to help with the cooking and always washes up.

We also share the same values.

I'm in a god relationship after a terrible one. Our bad bits are fleeting, snapping at each other over who cleaned the kitchen last. Things that are resolved. There is no resentment. And we are genuinely delighted with each others success.

I would just say that many good relationships between good people end.

There are tears, a lot of pain.

But one party doesn't try and convince the other they were happy or won't be happy again.

Whatever it was before, his saying this now only shows he can't be kind and loving. And without that, there is nothing.

I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship for years. Now I am in one that is not.
The main difference for me, apart from the love, kindness and respect, is that I can raise issues if I am unhappy about something he has done and he will listen. I am not punished for it.
He absolutely has my back and I his.

Been together for 20 years this year. He’s kind, clever and funny. He’s also shy and awkward and has always been that way. So our relationship is one of absolute equals. He has an equal parent and is one of the few (only?) men I know who has put his career prospects on hold to foster mine. He is genuinely feminist without spouting theory.

He makes me laugh, is hugely kind and the only person I can truly truly relax with. He also shares my very black sense of humour.

We bicker all the time (he’s a stubborn mule) and gets a bee in his bonnet over minor things. But we never argue, we have rarely shouted at each other in two decades and generally we get along really well. Most importantly we have the same value system. I cannot tell you instinctively how he would react to a certain situation. Finally we are and have always been friends first, partners next and finally lovers. Our friendship is absolutely everything to me.

These are lovely to read. I'm so happy, and a tiny bit jealous, for you all.
Although to the two posters (I think), who aren't happy, I would say - the other posters relationships in here sound the dream, and whilst i would love that, being single (I am) is so so much better than being in a miserable relationship.

I meant to say ‘can tell you instinctively.’

I will say that healthy relationships have ups and downs though. I don’t always feel the exact same way about him and I assume that is the same for him. But we manage to resolve it and GENERALLY speaking, grand scheme and all, he is very much the love of my life (other than the kids). Does he drive me nuts sometimes? Yes. Have we had periods where he irritates me more than others and vice versa? Yes. But it would be deeply unrealistic for a twenty year relationship (any relationship that spans two decades for that matter not just a romantic one) to be static.

@Mummadeze same here

What it pretty much boils down to is, couples in healthy, functioning, mutually satisfying relationships like each other.

Put love to one side. That’s a given. And, in fact, is the reason many people stay in toxic, dysfunctional relationships.

‘Love’ isn’t the glue that holds good long-term relationships together.

Liking each other is.

If you like each other, then everything emanates from that. You treat each other well, respect each other, want the best for each other, have each other’s back and are a team.

And love flows from that.

Respect, appreciation, understanding, listening & being heard. Probably sums it up. It took me a long time to properly understand that lust/passion fades and what I really needed was someone who genuinely cares for me and who I have shared values with.
We don’t argue, shout, put each other down, manipulate to get what we want, accuse or be jealous. If we disagree we listen to each other’s viewpoint and try to come to an amicable solution. It genuinely makes each of us happy to make the other happy. We have each other’s back and really are a team.
Unfortunately I see a lot of people in relationships which aren’t like this and feel really bad for them. I was single for a long time as definitely worse being in a crap relationship than being on your own!

My DH is constant, I always know where I am with him. He’s supportive and he picks up my slack when I need him to.
He irritates me sometimes and I’m sure I do things that irritate him but we talk about it and we never really argue.
I’ve been ill for the last year and he has taken me to chemo, worked from home and generally been amazing.

He did however put the wrong lights on the Christmas tree and up outside because I left him to do it last Sunday without supervision.

@scottishnames you are so kind. Thank you for reaching out.
I'm afraid divorce seems to be something everyone has to go through in their own time and way. It's so hard when children are involved. They are still small, and all they want is for us to get along.

But we can't. I can't. I've been betrayed too many times and get called all the names under the sun. The children covered my ears today when he was having a go at me and tried to get us to do a family hyg. It's so desperately sad 😢

My husband is never unkind to me. Never shouts, never says mean things, never tries to upset or antagonise me.

He offers comfort and support when I need it.

He’s interested in my job, hobbies and friends. He wants to know what’s going on in my world. He’s proud of me when things go well.

The less perfect bits - he’s a bit scatty about remembering things / packing etc so I carry a bit more of the mental load in that respect. But then he carries the mental load for other things so it probably balances out? And he needs a bit of direction from me on occasions like birthdays / Mother’s Day or it can fall a bit flat.

But these are tiny niggles compared to the fact that he’s the kindest, most thoughtful, most generous person I’ve ever met. I trust him entirely and feel so loved and supported by him.

@Secretdancers I’m sorry that really does sound hard and terribly sad. I agree with pp the freedom programme would be a good idea. Have you also read the book often mentioned on here called Why Does He Do
That? I think there’s a free download available. I would say some counselling for you and by the sounds of things probably for your children too would be a good idea if you could manage it. They’re clearly being exposed to things that are upsetting for them, take strength in the fact that you are showing them that it’s not ok to be called names or treated badly.

For me I think me and DH are probably a lot more imperfect than most of these posts. We fall short in quite a few ways and even more so since having a baby/ now toddler who doesn’t sleep particularly well. He handles work stress badly and goes on and on about work relentlessly when things are full on. I probably get resentful and snappy after a few shitty days with the toddler. We are both bad for getting defensive and also for withdrawing/ sulking. BUT we know all that about ourselves and each other, so if we bicker or fall out we also know that it will be sorted quickly - we’ll say sorry for our part in it and try to do better next time. We can talk about stuff like ‘it’s shit right now because x y z is happening and we’re both tired and we’ve not really made enough time for each other lately, but it won’t be forever and in the meantime let’s make sure we have some proper time together to reconnect’. I trust him completely and he does me. We both support each other to have time out with friends/ hobbies. He’s a really involved hands on dad who doesn’t see his contribution as ‘babysitting’. We say thank you for the big things and small things the other does. We make an effort with each other’s families and friends. We feel like a team.

For me it’s knowing that they are on my side and I am on theirs.
That we are a team.
When we do fight, we keep it clean. There are no cheap shots or low blows. Respectful language, we might say “oh fuck off you’re being a dick” in the middle of an argument but we dont do insults or slanging matches.
We don’t let things fester, we talk a lot, even in the down times we try to connect like have a cuddle before bed. We always give each other a kiss before we leave the house, even when we’ve had words and we’re grumpy with each other.
For me a healthy relationship doesn’t mean perfect or always loved up, just that I really trust this person to be kind to me, to respect me and to as I said, be on my side.

secretdancers Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I mean it. I'm out of my depth here, when it comes to giving proper, expert advice. But if counselling or other help is available please consider it. I really hope that you can find help and wish you and your children all the very, very best in the world.

Been together since my late teens and his early twenties.

Hashed out our differences in early years. Took it very slow, six years to get engaged, another handful to get married. More to have kids.

Had our years of big barnies, conflicts and head butting but over the years we’ve come to know one another and our needs inside out. We work to our strengths within the relationship and bounce off one another, any issues and we talk it out but most importantly we listen. Learnt never to speak on anger, we’re both very hot headed and it just escalates an argument.

We make time for us, have routines and date nights and we rank our kids twat of the week over a bottle of wine on a Saturday night after bedtime which usually helps diffuse any stress from the week.

I can count on DH to be there for me whatever. He does his share around the house and more if I’m not able to. I don’t need to ask him to do anything. He thanks me when I’ve cooked dinner. Occasional disagreements, but never shouting or name-calling. Has stayed up late to help me with PC issues when I’ve been studying. Will go out of his way to grab something from the shops for me. Has always shared kid stuff equally. If one of us needs money, the other will just transfer it, no questions asked (not that we have loads).

This is my only proper relationship so I can’t compare. My parents’ is the same and so just seems normal to me.

I often read on here about couples dividing up chores, money and free time and that just feels so alien to me. A healthy and happy relationship shouldn’t need that. We both do what needs to be done and don’t feel resentful if we’re the ones to do it.

Others have already described it so well. For me the thing that stands out, that I agree with, is we never swear at each other, call each other names or generally insult each other. I couldn’t be with someone that made me feel bad about myself, even in the heat of an argument.

I've been with my partner for 30 years and it is a good relationship. I feel content. I can be myself. I know DP wants what is best for me and would never want to hurt me. I want the best for him too. He never does anything for revenge. He doesn't lie. He's a great dad.

What are the bad bits? Sometimes I'm bored. He tells the same stories he has been telling for years. He can be annoying, and leaves a terrible mess in the house at times. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye on important stuff, so I have to compromise when I'd rather have it all my own way. I worry about some of the self-destructive things he does health-wise, and feel impatient he doesn't change those things. (I'm sure he feels the same about my unhealthy habits!)

Occasionally we are grumpy. Very very rarely have rows with each other. Never nasty to each other

I think as PP said, 'wanting the best for someone' is a good yardstick- is the other person trying to stop you achieving your ambitions, or encouraging you?
As for bickering, we do plenty of that, its almost a hobby, but it means nothing, there's no malice in it
To the PPs who are saddened to read this, I think it may seem surprising because people rarely speak of happy, long lasting relationships, - why would you need to- so there's little idea of what a healthy relationship really looks like.

I would say you bring out the best in each other. DH and I compliment each other really well personality wise, and the ebb and flow of our relationship is very comfortable and natural. Our relationship feels easy, it always has, and even when life is crazy busy we come back to each other and it's comfortable and just...good. I never had this until I met him, so the difference between my exes and him was very obvious right away.

My partner speaks to me with respect. We do disagree and sometimes we speak passionately in favour of our positions, there have been a few tears now and then. We don’t ever call one another names or throw insults. We are kind even when we disagree.

We respect one another’s privacy and rights to friends and plans separately. There is trust on both sides. We also spend plenty of time together (although we don’t live together).

We have discussed future plans and are on the same page about the a big things (kids, marriage, cohabitation).

We pay for things equally (and earn equally) but it’s very fluid. I pay one time, him next time without penny pinching.

We help one another. If I had a crisis I would know without a doubt that he’d rush to my aid. I have done same for him. He took me to hospital appointments when I needed him. I have helped him out with his weekend hobby (not really my thing but he needed a second person to get some bits done).

I’d say kindness and respect are the keys.