To expect him to tell me a time?

[RainbowBriteUk]

I've started seeing a very nice man. He's lovely. Comes completely free of ties but he's doing my head in!

We live around 70 miles from each other which means we arrange to meet somewhere half way. It's still early days so each others houses isn't an option yet.

Last night we were planning to meet today and I asked him for an idea of where we could meet. He said he wasn't sure so I said I'd leave it with him. He didn't come up with anything so I suggested somewhere and all was well. He drives and I don't so getting anywhere takes me time.

So the place was arranged but not a time. I'm pissed that I have to do everything and as the morning is ticking on and it takes me around 3 hours to get to the meeting place, we don't have a time set and I'm losing my rag! The event we were due to visit finishes at 4.00pm too.

I have said to him a few times that long distance probably isn't a good idea but he always is (gently) insistent that we can make it work. It's expensive and time consuming though, especially without a bloody time!!!

He’s inconsiderate and wasting your time. Ditch him.

Do you want to go to the event? I’d go if he messages you a time you’ll already be there. If not I’d ditch him. Being the only one in a relationship who makes all the decisions and takes on all the mental load is shit.

Unless you’re really into him and are happy to do the legwork on everything.

Thanks for your replies.

He is incredibly lovely but when he can't even come up with a location and we've not set a time, it does my head in! Then I will have to sit on a bus for three hours to get there - nah!

I think either of you should have arranged a time when you arranged a place, if there’s no time agreed in my mind that means the plan isn’t definite. It only takes 30 seconds to suggest a time, he could have done it but equally so could you.

That said I think you need to stop considering half way by distance (Eg: 35ish miles from each of you) and instead meet somewhere you will have equal travel distance, even if it is 10 miles from you and 60 from him. You having to travel for 3 hours each way is ridiculous when presumably he is travelling for under an hour.

Especially as The one who doesn’t drive I would have just said “I have looked at buses and meeting at x at y time is best for me”

But 70 miles when one of you doesn’t drive us never going to be easy!

I don't think he's that interested tbh.

As a driver, I wouldn't expect anyone to do a 3hr journey to meet me, I'd be proactive about a location and I'd nail down the time.

@RainbowBriteUk I think he is gently trying to let you know he is not that bothered about you. A man who is really into a woman would not be behaving so flippantly. He's not bothered. You shouldn't be.

And is there a health reason for why you don't drive? If not, you need to learn! Life won't get any easier as a non-driver. Your OP highlights how simply starting to date someone who lives a few miles away from you is a ball-ache (as a non-driver.) It won't get any easier.

@littledandelionclock when I try to 'end' things he's very insistent things can work out. He texts me loads and is attentive over text but i'm not feeling his indecisiveness at all!

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@RainbowBriteUk I think he is gently trying to let you know he is not that bothered about you. A man who is really into a woman would not be behaving so flippantly. He's not bothered. You shouldn't be.

And is there a health reason for why you don't drive? If not, you need to learn! Life won't get any easier as a non-driver. Your OP highlights how simply starting to date someone who lives a few miles away from you is a ball-ache (as a non-driver.) It won't get any easier.[/quote]
And is there a health reason for why you don't drive? If not, you need to learn!

The people I know who don't drive, normally can't for financial reasons.

Plus a couple who are simply shit at it as it doesn't come easy to everyone.

You’re choosing this.

@Cocomarine Sorry, I don't understand?

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@littledandelionclock when I try to 'end' things he's very insistent things can work out. He texts me loads and is attentive over text but i'm not feeling his indecisiveness at all![/quote]
This is nonsense. Why ‘end’ not end?
Have you ended it or not?
When you end it, you ignore the texts.
He can’t insist on anything.

Honestly, he’s the one that’s being a pain in the arse here, but your posts scream that you shouldn’t be dating until you sort out your own boundaries.

How do you even end up in a position like today where you don’t know the meeting time?

“OK, event finishes at 4pm, my trains arrive on the hour - so 1pm, OK?”

Then sure, dump him because it’s always you having to do the detail (I would). But I just genuinely cannot understand how you’re sat here today not knowing what time to meet. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are allowing him to decide times, dump him

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@Cocomarine Sorry, I don't understand?[/quote]
I said you’re choosing this.
I mean that whatever his annoying behaviour is - you’re choosing to have it in your life.
Just dump him, without the nonsense that he’s “insistent by text”.
Which is also known as harassment.

He's not that into you. If we was he'd be making sure everything was arranged so you were able to get there. Also, long distance is definitely not a good idea if you don't drive. Get rid and move on.

I agree with @Cocomarine about the oddity of using ‘end’ in quotation marks — either you end things or you don’t! You don’t require his permission to breakup with him. And honestly, this just makes me itch reading it — he sounds deeply lazy and non-committal, while you’re hating around for hours by bus to see a man who only seems invested when you say you want to breakup…

The conversation isnt going too well with him right now. I feel terrible because he is lovely. I can't do with someone so unorganised or indecisive though!

I have a car. Driving 35 miles takes one hour at the most! Probably 30 minutes.

I wouldn't let anyone sit on a bus for three hours and claim we were meeting each other halfway.

On those grounds alone, I'd challenge your description of him as lovely.

There is Covid and cold weather.

He’s not lovely, he’s lazy, non-committal and unable to plan!

Then leave him to it and find someone else.

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@littledandelionclock when I try to 'end' things he's very insistent things can work out. He texts me loads and is attentive over text but i'm not feeling his indecisiveness at all![/quote]
Honestly, what does it matter what he thinks? If he's doing your head in and you feel happier finishing it, it's immaterial if he thinks you can both make it work. You're choosing to go along with him, though, when it eally shouldn't be this hard so soon into the relationship.

@RainbowBriteUk

The conversation isnt going too well with him right now. I feel terrible because he is lovely. I can't do with someone so unorganised or indecisive though!

Less than a month ago, you hadn’t even met him and were complaining on here that he was dull and boring. Not lovely. Why on earth did you even meet him?

You can’t have had many dates at all so far?
I don’t see why it should be him making suggestions of place instead of you - as long as it’s as well as you. Especially if you have less flexible transport. But that’s by the by. You don’t even like him! Stop choosing this!

Sounds to me like you’ve sent vague, “I’m not sure it will be easy to date with this distance” messages, not, “thanks for the contact so far, but I’ve decided that the distance is too impractical for me. I wish you well with your future dating. Bye.” type message.

@Yummypumpkin dp and I live 15 miles apart and it’s an hour drive. It really depends where they are located.

I certainly wouldn’t consider meeting halfway fair when one of you is relying on public transport unless you live somewhere with incredibly reliable options. If he doesn’t see the distance as being an issue in the relationship it’s up to him to meet you somewhere convenient for you.

@RainbowBriteUk

The conversation isnt going too well with him right now. I feel terrible because he is lovely. I can't do with someone so unorganised or indecisive though!

You’ve been pretty disorganised and indecisive about it too though! You put the decision on place on him because you didn’t want to decide either. Even if you did in the end. Was that a test, because he had previously been wet? Just dump him already 🤷🏻‍♀️

He isn't lovely. He thinks that his time is more important than his and you will work around him. Move on.