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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask other mums what another child at school is like?

54 replies

Lou153Lou · 11/12/2021 07:27

We started at a new school and my friendly and inclusive child was getting on with everyone but having a bad reaction to a particular child we’ll call Bob.

Apparently he gave deliberate bad looks, was ignorant and had even hit my child during sports.

I have zero contact with the parents who don’t do the school run and I thought maybe they be defensive or over react, if I was dealing with a bully maybe they were bullies themselves.

I didn’t want to be hasty about going to school about it either because then it’s official and things like that get mishandled all the time.

Instead, I asked a couple of the mums who I was most familiar with “What is Bob like?” explaining that I was trying to figure out if Bob was targeting my child and I needed to escalate it or if Bob was just being Bob and my child had to adapt.

General opinion was that Bob was rough around the edges but heart in the right place so that was that.

I told my child to make more effort to get to know them and it seemed to be going ok.

Then one of the mums I originally asked about it (and who answered me) has had a change of heart and quite aggressively tells me that I should speak to the parents directly instead and also warn me to watch who I speak to in case it get backs to the mum who might get upset.

I was pretty confused by this conversation and felt irritated that they seemed to be dramatising an innocent question that had been sorted.

Since though, I’ve started feeling like I’ve done something wrong and worrying people have fallen out with me.

The mum who warned me was ok with me before but is now giving me the cold shoulder and it’s all playing on my mind all the time.

I wanted to enjoy being at a new school but it feels hostile all of a sudden, like everyone hates me.

If I found out someone had been asking about my child, I think I’d be curious and maybe follow it up with the other parent, but I wouldn’t be mad at all.

Was I being unreasonable to gauge what a child is like in this way?

OP posts:

OhFGSWhenDoesItStop · 11/12/2021 07:34

I think you went about it the wrong way. I would never have dared ask for gossip on another kid. You'll now have the reputation for talking behind peoples' backs.

I think you'd have been better off asking another parent who Bob's parents are because your son seems to have had an issue with him. Then, maybe they would have volunteered info, maybe not, at least you would seem direct and honest rather than trying to gather gossip to "escalate".

Bunnycat101 · 11/12/2021 07:37

What age are you talking? You should have mentioned to the teacher first really.

Furiousfive · 11/12/2021 07:39

Yes, you shouldn't have done that. If you had concerns, you should have spoken to the teacher rather than asking other parents, as the impression you've given is that you're trying to get other parents to talk badly about the little boy's bejaviour. I'm afraid I would give you a wide berth if you'd approached me

greatape · 11/12/2021 07:39

I would be mad tbh if someone was talking about my kids.

One of my kids mums who I'm friendly with mentioned something to me about how the other mums had been making comments on Dd2. Dd2 can be quite socially awkward and had a habit when on play dates of playing with peoples pets instead of her friends and withdrawing. A few parents had passed comment apparently and my friend kindly mentioned it to me as they were a bit concerned. It was meant very kindly but I was really upset and very defensive of my baby girl (who was like 9 so no baby!)

I get where you were coming from but I am not sure it was the right approach maybe.

3teens2cats · 11/12/2021 07:41

Always do this through school. Trying to deal directly, or indirectly, through parents/other parents rarely ends well.

MeltedButter · 11/12/2021 07:41

Just speak to the teacher about it. it doesn't have to be an official complaint just a quick chat with the teacher to ask how they are getting on and together. If you ask other parents about this child it will get back to the parent and the intent won't be clear as it will be like Chinese whispers.

Flowerlane · 11/12/2021 07:41

Yes you was in the wrong. You don’t go around asking for info about another child to parents you hardly know.

If you had asked me about another child I would not want to be friendly with you and I would be keeping my distance from you in the future.

You are doing your child no favours by doing this, if you want your child to settle and make friends don’t become the mum who gossips with others about other kids! You would be better going to the teacher and asking how your child is settling in and go from there.

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2021 07:44

How old are the children?

You need to speak to the class teacher. It doesn't have to be a huge thing- jus tell them what your child has told you and ask if they can keep an eye on it.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 11/12/2021 07:46

You shouldn't have done that. It makes you look unkind. You should have just spoken to the teacher. Especially because you spoke to more than one parent about Bob! I would try and be as friendly as possibly and potentially apologise to the mum who spoke to you.

Offmyfence · 11/12/2021 07:47

If I found out someone had been asking about my child, I think I’d be curious and maybe follow it up with the other parent, but I wouldn’t be mad at all.

I'm not so sure you would just be curious.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 11/12/2021 07:47

What do you mean by “deliberate looks” and being ignorant? How old are these children? Hitting is obviously not on (you don’t say if it was dealt with by the teacher at the time either) but I’m really not sure what you’re driving at with your other concerns.

HappyDays40 · 11/12/2021 07:48

I would absolutely not be happy if you were gossiping about my son to other parents as that is what is really is.
You need to speak with the teacher.

Butchyrestingface · 11/12/2021 07:48

I wanted to enjoy being at a new school but it feels hostile all of a sudden, like everyone hates me.

Was there some kind of issue at the last school?

PAFMO · 11/12/2021 07:54

Only one of the above issues needed any intervention by you, and that was the hitting. If the children are primary, then you should have clarified with the teacher what actually happened.

Seems rather odd that a mother who initially answered you then (unprompted?) told you to speak to the parents themselves (which you shouldn't, ever- take it to the school) What was the context? Were you asking about "Bob" again?

Bouncebacker · 11/12/2021 07:59

I’m torn a bit here - I had a similar situation and I did go to the teacher first - but the teacher isn’t allowed to tell me specific information about the child in question which would help me understand and support my child better. The child who was hitting my daughter has a developmental disorder which I only found out from speaking to other parents.

LondonGrub · 11/12/2021 07:59

At our school the parents have mainly known each other since our children were at nursery school. There are one or two kids with behavioural issues but we know why and are for the most part sympathetic. If a new parent came along and started "asking questions” about these kids I can see some parents being defensive and cross. We love these kids.

To avoid drama at the school gate always go directly to the school. You say you have experience of situations like this being mishandled. No one is perfect and you have just mishandled this situation. Have a really good think about what you want the school to do. Be realistic in your requests.

Then teach your kid that not everyone will like them or want to be their friend and that's ok. They won't like everyone and that's ok too. We should treat everyone with respect but have boundaries around we allow others to treat us.

MrsWhites · 11/12/2021 08:04

I don’t think you have come across very well OP. How do you know your child is being ‘friendly and inclusive’ in school and that Bob is being ‘ignorant’?

The other mum also probably feels that you are dragging her into gossiping about another child, she probably doesn’t want Bob’s mum to think she is involved in talking about her son.

Any issues like this should always be brought up with the teacher.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/12/2021 08:07

You asked if the child was basically a bully or an asshole 😂😂😂 and you asked more than one mum. If a new person asked me this I'd probably answer but if I found out she'd Asked a load of moms I'd be really annoyed. And if I found out someone was talking about my child I'd hit the roof.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 11/12/2021 08:09

I think most parents would be more than "curious" if they heard that their child was being spoken about among other parents. Sorry OP but i don't think this was the right thing to do. Talking to the school would have been best. Funny looks and being ignorant (presumably in your DC opinion) I would perhaps leave out but you could ask for clarification on the hitting. If this happened during sport was it deliberate or accidental and was it a one off?

Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 08:10

It sounds like you are gossiping about another child.

Going forward you need to speak to the school directly if there are problems. Call your own child 'friendly and inclusive' whilst calling other children 'rough' is where the problem lies op. That is NOT okay.

The other parents will have your card marked, the best thing you can do is keep your head down and stop talking about other people's children!

Shitfuckcommaetc · 11/12/2021 08:10

You are so out of order on this one.
I've been that parent, and heard other mums talk about my child. It's so, so hurtful.

That kid is none of your business, and I glad someone put your straight tbh.

Reading others post about only knowing kids have development disorders due to gossiping with other parents. Had it occurred to you that it's NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS and that you have no right to know these things!! How would you like a group of people discussing your sensitivite private medical information?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 11/12/2021 08:17

Big no-no. Always go through the school. If you don't want to escalate it, speak to your dc about ways to deal with it. What does 'he's ignorant' mean?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 08:18

my friendly and inclusive child was getting on with everyone but having a bad reaction to a particular child we’ll call Bob

Classic parenting thread. Of course YOUR child is lovely and Bob is the problem. Of course! It can’t just be that their personalities clash, or your child has also “given looks”. If you went around digging for dirt on a child based on how perfect your child/if they don’t get on with someone that child is the devil is then YABVU.

Senmumm2021 · 11/12/2021 08:19

My oldest has additional needs. I'd have hit the roof if I had found out they were being asked about by a parent to multiple other parents. YABU

itwasntaparty · 11/12/2021 08:21

Yep you got this very wrong. You go through the school never parents. You'll be 'that one' now.

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