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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask other mums what another child at school is like?

54 replies

Lou153Lou · 11/12/2021 07:27

We started at a new school and my friendly and inclusive child was getting on with everyone but having a bad reaction to a particular child we’ll call Bob.

Apparently he gave deliberate bad looks, was ignorant and had even hit my child during sports.

I have zero contact with the parents who don’t do the school run and I thought maybe they be defensive or over react, if I was dealing with a bully maybe they were bullies themselves.

I didn’t want to be hasty about going to school about it either because then it’s official and things like that get mishandled all the time.

Instead, I asked a couple of the mums who I was most familiar with “What is Bob like?” explaining that I was trying to figure out if Bob was targeting my child and I needed to escalate it or if Bob was just being Bob and my child had to adapt.

General opinion was that Bob was rough around the edges but heart in the right place so that was that.

I told my child to make more effort to get to know them and it seemed to be going ok.

Then one of the mums I originally asked about it (and who answered me) has had a change of heart and quite aggressively tells me that I should speak to the parents directly instead and also warn me to watch who I speak to in case it get backs to the mum who might get upset.

I was pretty confused by this conversation and felt irritated that they seemed to be dramatising an innocent question that had been sorted.

Since though, I’ve started feeling like I’ve done something wrong and worrying people have fallen out with me.

The mum who warned me was ok with me before but is now giving me the cold shoulder and it’s all playing on my mind all the time.

I wanted to enjoy being at a new school but it feels hostile all of a sudden, like everyone hates me.

If I found out someone had been asking about my child, I think I’d be curious and maybe follow it up with the other parent, but I wouldn’t be mad at all.

Was I being unreasonable to gauge what a child is like in this way?

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 11/12/2021 08:21

I hope I'm wrong but I await the deletion message.

lollipoprainbow · 11/12/2021 08:23

My dd9 has sen maybe 'Bob' does too? How lovely that your child is friendly and inclusive think yourself very lucky. My heart breaks for my little girl who has no friends. Ps I'd be livid if I discovered other mums were discussing her.

Bananarama21 · 11/12/2021 08:23

You've alienated yourself from the other mothers. Issues go through the school not a witch hunt against a child. Why did you leave the last school

LondonGrub · 11/12/2021 08:26

As above ...

You don't need to know which child has any communication or developmental disorders or who is neurotypical or not. In my experience this kind of thinking just increases poor perceptions of those children. And in my experience it is often not the children who have any kind of diagnosis that cause the majority of behavioural problems.

Better to teach your child that he can not ever control other people's behaviour and often bad looks and name calling etc is absolutely nothing to do with him. That he can always come and talk to you about it or find a teacher or grown up at school to chat through his feeling with.

Hitting is different and there should be no ambiguity that hitting is every ok. If you honestly feel that the hitting is escalating or your child feels unsafe then write to your school asking them what they are going to put in place to keep your child safe whilst he is in their care. You don't even need to mention the other child's name. Because ultimately children are all so unpredictable that all you can rely upon is the school's response to a situation.

Skyll · 11/12/2021 08:26

You’re only new and you went round the parents asking for them to dish the dirt on a child.

You should have gone to the teacher and handled this via the school. Doing what you did never ends well.

RoastedParnsip · 11/12/2021 08:28

I'd be furious if someone was going round asking my child. YABU. You deserve the cold shoulder you handled it badly.
You should of spoke to the teacher!

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 08:29

I think you should have spoken to the school if you thought the child was targeting yours.
Did you really just ask "what is Bob like?" you didn't say anything else?

Grenlei · 11/12/2021 08:30

Some real holier than thou responses on here.

The mums who hang out at the school gates do nothing but gossip ime. For me it's telling they were happy to discuss it initially but then sometime later has an attack of conscience!

OP I can see exactly why you went about it as you did. Gossip is rife, and tbh this wasn't gossip as such you were just trying to protect your child. Really no harm done.

shouldistop · 11/12/2021 08:32

The mum probably didn't have a change of heart. You probably completely caught her off guard before and now she's had time to think about it. One of the mums you've spoken to is likely friends with bobs mum and that's why she said be careful who you speak to.

User42729209 · 11/12/2021 08:32

I do think you went about it the wrong way. Asking around for gossip about the child wasn’t right. It’s just stirring up trouble.

Next time something like this happens, speak to your son’s teacher and ask them to resolve it.

Nietzschethehiker · 11/12/2021 08:32

It is very bad form. The other parents likely also do not know the specifics with most children. It took 2 years before any of the other parents in DS1 school knew for a fact that he was SEN.

Do not try to fix it. If another parent brings up that you asked again your best response is to put your hands up and admit you shouldn't have asked and that you were in the wrong. But don't bring it up again yourself. The other parent will not be curious because they will already know what you are doing and will not be impressed.

I've had it with DS1 and it's awful. Parents talk, their DC hear them and before you know it the DC are talking about it. Go to the school quietly if you are worried. Don't be that parent.

MalbecandToast · 11/12/2021 08:33

Christ, you've handled this so badly! What on earth were you thinking Confused

TrashyPanda · 11/12/2021 08:37

You give the impression you were against Bob and his parents already.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 11/12/2021 08:38

So you didn't really know any of the parents? I would not have done this. If I were friends with another child's parents in the class, I might have asked but real friends, not just school gate hello people.

EberhardtSmallcock · 11/12/2021 08:39

@3teens2cats

Always do this through school. Trying to deal directly, or indirectly, through parents/other parents rarely ends well.
This, a million times over.
YellowDots · 11/12/2021 08:39

You've really made a mistake here. How can you have been confused by someone telling you that you shouldn't be enquiring about a child in the playground or that Bob's mother might be upset if she gets wind of your investigation?

sashagabadon · 11/12/2021 08:39

Never ever discuss another child with other parents and if someone tries to do it with you change the subject immediately.

saraclara · 11/12/2021 08:42

The thing about talking about a child to parents at a new school is that you have no idea about their relationship with that child's parents.

So yep, big error. Is there any way you could apologise to her and say you recognise that it was an unfair thing to ask, and you let concern for your child get on the way of common sense?

queenMab99 · 11/12/2021 08:43

You say you ' told your child to make more effort to get to know him'
, that is what I would have done in the first place, before asking other parents.

Skyll · 11/12/2021 08:43

I’m amazed that you ever thought this would be a good idea.

Why would you do this? What way did you think this was going to go?

SnarkyBag · 11/12/2021 08:44

Oh dear you really have made a mess of this one I’m not surprised people are giving you the cold shoulder. It doesn’t come across as an innocent question to me it would look more like shit stirring about a child to other parents.

People are likely to give you a wide berth if you start raising questions about their kids on the school run. Especially over a bad look and being “ignorant” whatever the hell that means in this situation.

Skyll · 11/12/2021 08:46

I mean. A bad look?

I have a resting bitch face. I have a permanent bad look.

JustDanceAddict · 11/12/2021 08:50

Never, ever approach parents regarding bullying behaviour.
Go directly to the teacher who probably doesn’t even know it’s going on. All schools have anti-bullying policies. They will have ways to diffuse situations like this even if it’s a personality clash (keep them apart etc).

Confusedandworried321 · 11/12/2021 08:52

I’m going to echo previous posts, you’ve made your bed OP. On what planet did you think this was a good idea? If you were a mum at my DC’s school and you approached me asking about another child, I’d tell you politely that it’s really not appropriate to ask me. Then I’d think you were a complete cow.

SeaAndSnow · 11/12/2021 08:57

Always approach the school. And approach the school discreetly. It's their job to sort such things sensitively. Never ever approach the parents. Never ever approach OTHER parents. Does not even have to be a very formal approach to the school just a 'I noticed that...' and then leave it.