To ask other mums what another child at school is like?

[Lou153Lou]

We started at a new school and my friendly and inclusive child was getting on with everyone but having a bad reaction to a particular child we’ll call Bob.

Apparently he gave deliberate bad looks, was ignorant and had even hit my child during sports.

I have zero contact with the parents who don’t do the school run and I thought maybe they be defensive or over react, if I was dealing with a bully maybe they were bullies themselves.

I didn’t want to be hasty about going to school about it either because then it’s official and things like that get mishandled all the time.

Instead, I asked a couple of the mums who I was most familiar with “What is Bob like?” explaining that I was trying to figure out if Bob was targeting my child and I needed to escalate it or if Bob was just being Bob and my child had to adapt.

General opinion was that Bob was rough around the edges but heart in the right place so that was that.

I told my child to make more effort to get to know them and it seemed to be going ok.

Then one of the mums I originally asked about it (and who answered me) has had a change of heart and quite aggressively tells me that I should speak to the parents directly instead and also warn me to watch who I speak to in case it get backs to the mum who might get upset.

I was pretty confused by this conversation and felt irritated that they seemed to be dramatising an innocent question that had been sorted.

Since though, I’ve started feeling like I’ve done something wrong and worrying people have fallen out with me.

The mum who warned me was ok with me before but is now giving me the cold shoulder and it’s all playing on my mind all the time.

I wanted to enjoy being at a new school but it feels hostile all of a sudden, like everyone hates me.

If I found out someone had been asking about my child, I think I’d be curious and maybe follow it up with the other parent, but I wouldn’t be mad at all.

Was I being unreasonable to gauge what a child is like in this way?

What does ‘ignorant’ mean in this context? I can’t imagine another child being ignorant would really bother my child. I would go to the teacher re your concerns about hitting though,that isn’t on.

I have a Bob, he's autistic. If I found out you had been asking other parents about him I would quite possibly slap you.

I don't think you were coming from a bad place OP. It doesn't sound like you were looking to gossip at all. To me, it sounds like you were hesistant to get Bob in trouble with his teacher too hastily and didn't have an easy way of reaching Bob's mum.

Obviously it wasn't a good idea in hindsight but I think people are being quite harsh. As someone that likes to avoid conflict, I do understand that you probably didn't want to rock the boat so soon after starting at the school. I would get the situation sorted with the school and then perhaps approach the mum at the school gates (perhaps with a Christmas card) and apologise for putting her in an awkward situation.

I agree with a PP, IME so much gossiping at the school gates, especially from those whose life seems to evolve around the school- even snide remarks on the class WhatsApp group. I find it hard to believe this doesn't happen at many schools. I think you are expecting quite a bit from a parent if you don't expect them to be protective of their own child. If my child is seemingly being mistreated by another child, who an earth said just physical as well, as if that is the only form of mistreatment to worry about, my first thoughts wouldn't be to be massively charitable to the other child, second guessing issues, it would be what can I do to protect my child! I would go to the school though as that is the normal protocol.