To think he shouldn’t sort of make her feel guilty for not hugging him?

PaperMonster · 10/12/2021 21:18

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s wrong, it’s giving her wrong signals about consent.

fabricfanatic · 10/12/2021 21:26

Hm... I think this type of "game" is fairly common with parents/grandparents and young children. I don't see a problem with it, tbh. I expect she'll know there's a difference between hugging your father when he playfully (?) acts disappointed and being actually manipulated into doing something she doesn't want to do by someone else.

I see why you don't like it, but I don't honestly think it's setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunction or inability to understand consent.

Original poster

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 21:31

@PaperMonster Yes, that’s how I feel. I know he means nothing bad by it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable

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Original poster

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 21:32

@fabricfanatic Yes, he’s doing it playfully but I just see her thinking ‘Oh he’s upset so I’d better hug him’ I just don’t like it, if she doesn’t feel like hugging, she shouldn’t be made to feel bad/guilty 🤷🏻‍♀️

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tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 21:34

I agree with you OP and @PaperMonster. A cheerful acceptance and cheery bye would be much better.

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HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 21:36

@tallduckandhandsome Yes, after I said it to him, he agreed and started to just say ‘I’m going, can I have a hug’ and if she said no, he accepted it happily and said ok, I’ll see you later, love you, which was great, but just noticed it today again

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AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps · 10/12/2021 21:38

No. He's wrong to do it

My DD is almost 2
She always has to acknowledge a hello or goodbye. But she absolutely doesn't have to hug or touch. If someone asks for cuddle and she says no, people respect that, and the ask her for a.high five instead or a.fist bump. Best t if she doesn't want to do that. Then I do insist she says goodbye/hello to them or wave at the very very least.

Fomofo · 10/12/2021 21:40

Yeah, I hate this sort of shit

ShirleyPhallus · 10/12/2021 21:43

@fabricfanatic

Hm... I think this type of "game" is fairly common with parents/grandparents and young children. I don't see a problem with it, tbh. I expect she'll know there's a difference between hugging your father when he playfully (?) acts disappointed and being actually manipulated into doing something she doesn't want to do by someone else.

I see why you don't like it, but I don't honestly think it's setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunction or inability to understand consent.

Actually I really disagree with this, I think we should be teaching children body autonomy from a young age

That means as adults asking their consent before touching them - ie instead of saying “come here and give me a kiss” you say “do you want to give me a kiss?” and respect their answer if they say no

You mention a clear line between a parent playfully being disappointed and being manipulated in to doing something they don’t want to - id argue that being forced to kiss an elderly aunt on the lips is exactly manipulating a child in to doing something they don’t want to and aren’t comfortable with

It starts young, IMO

Austen33 · 10/12/2021 21:52

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen.
Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too?
Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?

PaperMonster · 10/12/2021 21:56

@ShirleyPhallus absolutely spot on.

user1471442488 · 10/12/2021 21:58

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?

Jesus Christ

PaperMonster · 10/12/2021 22:02

@Austen33 are you for real?

tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 22:03

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?

WTF

Original poster

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 22:03

@Austen33 Are you serious?

We all hug very naturally, all the time. Sometimes it she’s going to bed, he’ll say ‘Give us a hug’ and she’ll say no, not nastily, she just says it sometimes and that’s fine! She loves hugging and hugs a lot, she just has moments she doesn’t want to (generally as she’s running around playing etc)

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JuicySatsuma85 · 10/12/2021 22:03

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?

What an absolutely hideous take on this. Utterly disgusting. I adore my husband and find him very sexually attractive but sometimes I say no to sex with him. Am I a self centred little lady who is being capricious?

No one ever owes anyone physical affection. Ever. Being 3 years old doesn’t make a difference. Clearly this little girl doesn’t “take pleasure in upsetting people who love her” or else she wouldn’t give in & cuddle her Dad when he pretends to be upset.

AliveAndSleeping · 10/12/2021 22:05

@HibernatinguntilApril

Dp adores Dd, 3, is a great dad, but be annoys me with this thing he does asking Dd for a hug (mainly before bed or going to work) then if she says no or doesn’t bother to he acts all upset and says ‘Aww’ and acts upset, then she hugs him. It sounds like a silly thing and she really loves hugging him, I just don’t like it, for her to feel if someone looks upset she’s upset them by not hugging them/showing affection, does that make sense? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't like it either. She needs to learn that she's in charge of her body and not others. Guilt tripping her into showing affection sets a really bad precedent, I think. Of course he means well but if her own parent doesn't respect when she sets (perfectly reasonable) boundaries then Joe can she expect anyone else to respect them. I think kids need to learn that they have the right to say no... To anyone.

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HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 22:05

@JuicySatsuma85 Thank you, that was a strange comment

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Thelnebriati · 10/12/2021 22:06

@Austen33 No, you are just wrong.
Parents need to teach children about bodily autonomy, consent, boudaries, saying and hearing 'no', and trust. We have to do it by example, not by saying one thing and doing the opposite.
Even if you dont believe a person really owns their own body because they are only 3, these skills are the foundation of protection from grooming and predators.

tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 22:06

[quote HibernatinguntilApril]@tallduckandhandsome Yes, after I said it to him, he agreed and started to just say ‘I’m going, can I have a hug’ and if she said no, he accepted it happily and said ok, I’ll see you later, love you, which was great, but just noticed it today again[/quote]
That’s great that he’s taken it on board. Has he been doing it again since then?

AliveAndSleeping · 10/12/2021 22:08

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?

You can only be warm hearted and affectionate with consent. If there is no consent then insisting (or allowing) a hug is t eatm hearted or affectionate. It's the opposite.

Original poster

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 22:08

@AliveAndSleeping Yes, that’s it, if she doesn’t feel like it, it’s no big deal. I find it immature of him and clingy to act like that, just annoys me seeing her see his pretend/joke upset and looking a bit upset and reacting to that.

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Original poster

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 22:11

@tallduckandhandsome He did it again tonight before going to bed with me, which reminded me of it again. I get how he feels as he said he missed her all day at work and she was running off to bed. But I didn’t like that he did it again, I said to him ‘Don’t do that to her’ I think he realised again and stopped, just why do it

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Emerald5hamrock · 10/12/2021 22:12

It is immature.
It was probably normal when he was a DC but it gives the wrong message, using crocodile tears to manipulate or play on her emotions.
He obviously doesn't realise the reality of his actions or he wouldn't do it.

megletthesecond · 10/12/2021 22:13

Yanbu.