Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn’t sort of make her feel guilty for not hugging him?

66 replies

HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 20:59

Dp adores Dd, 3, is a great dad, but be annoys me with this thing he does asking Dd for a hug (mainly before bed or going to work) then if she says no or doesn’t bother to he acts all upset and says ‘Aww’ and acts upset, then she hugs him. It sounds like a silly thing and she really loves hugging him, I just don’t like it, for her to feel if someone looks upset she’s upset them by not hugging them/showing affection, does that make sense? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Nillynally · 10/12/2021 22:14

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?
Wow
mediumbrownmug · 10/12/2021 22:18

YANBU, and the poster who commented otherwise is very wrong. Girls in particular have been raised to give in and be submissive, and it needs addressing. Your body is your body, and it’s not “fun” or a “game” to push. I’m sure it was meant completely harmlessly, but I’d have had the same conversation with my partner about it as you did.

Sometimes as a teen I would get grown men my father’s age trying to hug me (they were acquaintances of my parents), and when I would side step and extend my hand for a hand shake instead they would try the same “aww why not” tactics. I would reply that I didn’t do hugs. Your daughter will know better.

EveningOverRooftops · 10/12/2021 22:25

He could offer greetings/farewells.

A friends child isn’t a hugger but every time I see them I always say hug, hand shake or high five today? And let them choose. Their parents make a big deal if the not hugging whereas I’m more concerned they just say hi and goodbye however the feel comfortable but have the manners to say hi.

3scape · 10/12/2021 22:29

Yuck. He needs to not teach such needy whiny manipulative behaviour.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 10/12/2021 22:36

YANBU.
I used to hate hugging and kissing people as a child and always felt I had to, despite not wanting to.
It's not teaching children anything about consent or personal boundaries, IMO. It's just teaching them that they have to do what adults want them to, even when it comes to their own bodies.

Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 22:44

@3scape I know, I really hate it!

OP posts:
Overreactingmom · 10/12/2021 22:48

I’ve had a conversation with my almost 11 year old this week about saying no and boundaries. About when I was her age grown men in the street blocking my path til I gave them a hug to walk past. (Because i didn’t know how to say no!)

YANBU. He means well but teach her body is hers and it’s okay to say no to physical contact. It has to be on her terms. Always.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 10/12/2021 22:53

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?
Well, I didn't want to be hugged or kissed by my father. I didn't like him, even as a young child. I also didn't particularly like physical touch, even from people I did like. And yet he felt entitled to do it just because he WAS my father and I was just a child. He would do it all the more because he knew it made me uncomfortable. While I don't believe that the OPs partner has that same attitude, it's very important for children to be able to say "No, I don't want to do that" when it comes to their bodies. And to be listened to.
Skysblue · 10/12/2021 23:03

Yanbu. Does he really want a teenage daughter who feels that boys are entitled to hugs/kisses even if she doesn’t want to give them? Does he mean to train her to give into male whining and pressure? Does he believe, as so many men do, that males are entitled to female attention on demand and that male feelings matter more than female needs?

This is a real thing! When I was a teen I once had sex I didn’t want, to be polite, because I couldn’t work out how else to exit the situation. Ridiculous I know but it happened. You need to teach her right from the beginning that her feelings about her body are the top priority and that no is final.

Lou98 · 10/12/2021 23:12

I can get where you're coming from OP but my Grandad used to do that to me all the time when I was little - I've always known the difference between being comfortable giving a hug when he was "sad" and being forced in an uncomfortable situation (if that makes sense).
Now he's gone I wish I hugged him more!

I think it's a bit harsh saying he's manipulating her etc and saying it's going to lead to her being taken advantage of, he probably sees it as a harmless joke with his daughter.

Talk to your DH and let him know you're not comfortable, see what his reaction is, he should respect the fact that you're not comfortable and stop doing it regardless of if he sees the harm or not

Itsalmostanaccessory · 10/12/2021 23:14

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?
This is the biggest pile of bullshit I've seen on here. Please, please ignore this poster.
Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 23:17

I completely know that Dp means zero harm at all and basically just loves hugging our little girl as he loves her so much, as I do too. But I don’t tend to ask for hugs that much I suppose and if she doesn’t want to cuddle up I just accept it and do/say nothing, even though I’d love her to.

OP posts:
Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 23:18

@Lou98 That’s reassuring, sorry about your grandad, I feel the same 🤗

OP posts:
Alltheblue · 10/12/2021 23:18

You're absolutely right.

This is about his unmet needs. Ask him if he's happy to build compliance that will make her feel guilty if she's mean enough not to take her bra off in a decade.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 23:19

My DH has a bit of an issue with this and we discuss it a lot. Similarly he gets it but sometimes can’t stop himself.

It’s manipulative even if he doesn’t mean it to be.

It’s not for kids to make adults feel loved - that’s the other way round.

I’m not great with close contact greetings (hie many kisses, which cheek first, hug or kiss… arrgh!) and as a result I always offer small children of my acquaintance the choice - “Hug or high five?” - and enthusiastically return either one. With older children or young people I either know which they like (from their choices as a child) or I offer a wave in friendly greeting (don’t know them well enough for anything else).

Alltheblue · 10/12/2021 23:20

And no, her brain will not know the difference.

lynntheyresexpeople · 10/12/2021 23:21

@Austen33

How very sad that a 3 year old does not want to be hugged good night and her father has to ask permission to hug his daughter. It should just happen. Is her father allowed to bath her or does he have to ask permission for that too? Consent is very important but so is being warm hearted and affectionate. Are you sure you are not just raising a rather self-centered little lady who is learning to be capricious and who sometimes takes pleasure in upsetting the people who love her?
Self centred and enjoys hurting people by not wanting a hug? She's fucking 3 years old, you utter lunatic.
Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 23:23

@NoSquirrels Yes that’s exactly it, I don’t want her to feel that guilt it for him to be whiny for affection, that she has to deliver. Need to talk to him about it again as it just doesn’t sit right with me, it is manipulating, but I know not deliberate, he'd be really upset if I said that to him though,

What does your dh do/say about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 23:24

@Itsalmostanaccessory Awful comment, wasn’t it

OP posts:
Original poster
HibernatinguntilApril · 10/12/2021 23:27

@Alltheblue That’s it, it is about his needs and again, I know he doesn’t realise that just basically wants to cuddle her, I often feel the same, I could hug her all day. It isn’t about me though and if she needs/wants a hug she’ll come to us etc. She generally says no at the times she’s running around or wants to play not hug and that’s her perogative.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/12/2021 23:27

Agree with posters, I hate this shit.

I also never played pass the parcel with my babies.

They are not things to be mauled by anyone who fancies it, even if it is well meaning.

Give them bloody space.

We never asked this of our children for ourselves or for family.

Funnily enough as young adults they are all very demonstrative towards us on the kissing/hugging front, even my cranky eldest!

Certainly a lot more than I ever was.

Children like space IMO.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 23:31

[quote HibernatinguntilApril]@NoSquirrels Yes that’s exactly it, I don’t want her to feel that guilt it for him to be whiny for affection, that she has to deliver. Need to talk to him about it again as it just doesn’t sit right with me, it is manipulating, but I know not deliberate, he'd be really upset if I said that to him though,

What does your dh do/say about it?[/quote]
My DH accepts what I say but fundamentally he doesn’t see it how I see it - because he’s a man? - so has thought it’s a bit of a fuss about nothing. He’s in general a bit more “because I am your parent and I say so” than I am.

As they’ve got older they express themselves more and specifically how it makes them feel if they don’t want to. So I take that as a win that I have always fought that they understand -Are no matter who it is^ they can say no and be supported.

That makes it sound like they regularly withhold/refuse affection - that’s not the case, we are pretty huggy in general, cuddle on sofa etc. But I’ll always back them if they don’t want to, for any reason at all.

Alltheblue · 10/12/2021 23:33

HibernatinguntilApril

It's really hard being a parent isn't it. You think you're going to get all this love and then you find no, you're just as likely to have to hold your own feelings and remember this child owes you nothing.

There are lots of valid ways to teach kindness and empathy but insisting on physical contact is just not right. Children need to know and feel completely confident that physical contact is not an obligation and refusing it is never wrong.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 23:35

For instance, if DH asks for a hug and they’re not in the mood they feel free to say “I don’t want to” and if he appears put out/pretends to be hurt they’ll say “Daddy, that’s not fair you’re trying to make me feel guilty.”

Which is true! So he’ll snap out of it.

pigsDOfly · 10/12/2021 23:37

I fell out with my, then, BIL over something similar when one of my daughters was a similar age.

We'd been to visit my, then, husband's family. When we were leaving BIL told DD to kiss her grandmother goodbye. DD said she didn't want to.

DD then went to kiss BIL goodbye but he refused saying that he wouldn't kiss her goodbye until she'd kissed her grandmother goodbye.

We left in a somewhat frosty atmosphere after I voiced my opinion about people attempting to coerce small children into kissing people they didn't want to kiss. And no one kissed anyone goodbye.

No child should ever be made to feel bad or mean for not hugging or kissing an adult, or another child come to that.