Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My manager called me rude...

75 replies

user874009 · 10/12/2021 18:25

and unwelcoming.

He said I don't make new colleagues feel very welcome by making conversation with them. I'm not much of a talker with the colleagues I have known for years, I usually just say morning then get on with my work.
I feel so upset, I shielded for most of last year which has knocked my confidence at work and caused anxiety.

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 10/12/2021 18:26

It comes across that you might agree with him?

inmyslippers · 10/12/2021 18:27

You don't sound rude to me op.
I'm not much of a people person either

OldaRailer · 10/12/2021 18:29

You don't sound rude to me either op.💐

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 18:29

Is he wrong?

Topseyt · 10/12/2021 18:29

I'm sure you are fine. What prompted the conversation? Why did he feel the need to say anything at all?

Some people aren't big talkers. I am not. I do like to interact to some degree, but then just want to get on with what I went there to do.

Hellocatshome · 10/12/2021 18:30

It may come across as rude though. My DH is very introverted and shy and honestly sometimes he seems so bloody rude and thats with me knowing his personality. If you have that kind of personality and it has been pointed out to you as coming across as rude I would make a really big effort to make a little bit of small talk. It doesn't have to be loads maybe start with Good Morning, did you have a nice weekend? And go from there.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:31

It's tough starting a new job, a friendly welcome is really nice to receive.

MultiStorey · 10/12/2021 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 10/12/2021 18:33

I get that you’re not much of a talker, but think how the new starters might feel if they think you’re ignoring them. So you may be coming across as rude.

GertrudeBElion · 10/12/2021 18:36

You can't become something you're not, and nor should you.
But maybe reflect on the 'unwelcoming' part of it. It is good manners and kindness to adapt a little when people are new, just because of how intimidating it can feel when you're learning the ropes and things and people are unfamiliar.

Aprilx · 10/12/2021 18:36

It sounds like you could try to make a bit more of an effort with everyone. Even introverts (and I am one) talk to people and if need be, make a concerted effort when required, such as at work and with new members of staff.

You have had the feedback now, you can either ignore it or decide to do something about it and set small goals for yourself.

drpet49 · 10/12/2021 18:39

Being an introvert isn’t a free pass to be unwelcoming or rude.

user874009 · 10/12/2021 18:40

I feel terrible I don't want my colleagues to think I am rude.

I work in a small office that can get quite noisy at times with the amount of people in there and all the conversations going on. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it and try and block out everything thats going on around me to help me cope.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 10/12/2021 18:41

Passing one word all day with your colleagues would be seen as rude in most workplaces. I think you realise that though, and you know you're feeling anxious about it, so accept what your manager has said and come up with a plan to make yourself appear less standoffish. Could you get involved with the new starters training, for example? Did your manager have any suggestions?

chickenpie1984 · 10/12/2021 18:43

If you literally only say hello then it probably does come across a bit rude. Do you dislike the people you work with or are you like this with most people?

OldaRailer · 10/12/2021 18:46

Op has said they are anxious and feel overwhelmed.

user874009 · 10/12/2021 18:48

@chickenpie1984

If you literally only say hello then it probably does come across a bit rude. Do you dislike the people you work with or are you like this with most people?
no I like them, if I am on lunch with a colleague I will chat to them. Not had lunch with any of the new starters though.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 18:49

@OldaRailer

Op has said they are anxious and feel overwhelmed.
The new starters may be as well.
ViperHalliwell · 10/12/2021 18:51

Do you see what he means (in detail, not just generally) or can he give you specific examples? Including what he would have liked you to do differently in a specific case?

From what you've said, I can see how you might be perceived as "unwelcoming" (as in, not proactively welcoming) but if you're saying good morning and responding politely if they ask you something or need your help, I don't see how you're "rude". "Rude" is a word I would very much avoid as part of feedback to an employee, especially in a formal performance evaluation, as (1) it's a loaded term and (2) it's very subjective/culturally-specific.

If it's new colleagues specifically, perhaps all that's needed is to welcome them to the organisation when you first meet them, say you look forward to working with them, chat for a few minutes about your role in the organisation, and invite them to come and ask for your help if needed in the areas you're familiar with. Maybe check in in passing with a quick "how's it going?"

I wouldn't go too far with this though unless you've been specifically assigned as a liaison or hands-on trainer or similar for the new employee; it's the new employee's manager's job to provide onboarding and training support and answer any questions/deal with issues. The manager needs to make sure s/he has control over what is being communicated, and you have your own work to get done. And if the manager is expecting/requiring you to chat about personal things or non-work-related areas (beyond the usual casual "how was your weekend?" "fine, thanks") level, then HIBU. Some people like to do that, but it shouldn't be an expectation or a requirement.

Do you have other longer-term colleagues that you're friendly with? Perhaps you could casually ask one or two of them how they think you come across to newcomers, or if they find you brusque in some interactions at work - you don't have to specifically say that your boss raised a criticism.

GertrudeBElion · 10/12/2021 18:51

Maybe just tell people, not in any great detail or anything.

If I was new somewhere and a colleague said 'don't think me rude but I'm not much of a talker, and I tend to just get my head down. But if you need any help, let me know', I wouldn't think anything amiss at all, and wouldn't think them rude.

Wotsitsits · 10/12/2021 18:54

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party Confused

Manager was rude ffs!

LuaDipa · 10/12/2021 19:01

@GertrudeBElion

Maybe just tell people, not in any great detail or anything.

If I was new somewhere and a colleague said 'don't think me rude but I'm not much of a talker, and I tend to just get my head down. But if you need any help, let me know', I wouldn't think anything amiss at all, and wouldn't think them rude.

I think this is a good idea.

For what it’s worth, I would love a colleague who would come in, say hello then crack on. I’m finding I can’t get anything done for people interrupting for a natter.

BoredZelda · 10/12/2021 19:09

I hate office chatter. Always have. I’ve a job to do and I’ll happily talk about that but spending endless time talking about whatever was on TV or who won the match or how drunk they got last night, nope, I’m not up for that. If others want to indulge that’s fine, but anyone who says anyone who doesn’t is being rude can fuck of.

Bibbtybobbityboo · 10/12/2021 19:15

You are not an entertaining puppet. Why do we live in a world where introverts are seen as rude. Saying hello and being helpful is fine. Its a strength not a weakness.

tallduckandhandsome · 10/12/2021 19:17

Does he also expect male staff to make new colleagues welcome too?

It sounds like ‘wife work’ in the office.

Swipe left for the next trending thread