My manager called me rude...

[user874009]

and unwelcoming.

He said I don't make new colleagues feel very welcome by making conversation with them. I'm not much of a talker with the colleagues I have known for years, I usually just say morning then get on with my work.
I feel so upset, I shielded for most of last year which has knocked my confidence at work and caused anxiety.

I used to dislike constant banal bibble babble in the workplace, who cares what people had for tea the night before, what happened in Corrie or Eastenders. You're being paid to work not gossip. If they want help with something fine as long as it doesn't turn into a session admiring photographs of their children or pets.

I find this to be such a miserable attitude.

Most people spend 40+ hours a week at work - what's wrong with enjoying that time and being friendly with the people you're spending time with?

Yes, you're being paid to work but that doesn't mean you have to sit there in silence all day long, with all conversation being limited to the job at hand.

Totally agree with RampantIvy 's posts.

So often on MN people are so extreme.
There is a VAST difference between saying 'hello' and not speaking for the rest of the day, and spending all day ...constant banal bibble babble in the workplace, who cares what people had for tea the night before, what happened in Corrie or Eastenders. You're being paid to work not gossip.
It is normal human interaction to speak to someone who is new, to offer support, check if they are okay.... speak when you get up for a coffee (would you like one? Have you been shown where the coffee is? etc)..... then 'Are you okay? Have you got into the system / found everything you need ? after 20mins or 1/2 hour..........'How are you getting on? Anything you want to ask or anything I can help you with ?' after an hour or 90mins. etc

It's not about gossip or discussing last night's TV, it is about being welcoming and helpful to someone starting new.

I can see it from both sides. In my younger days I was appallingly shy to the point where sometimes I physically couldn't talk. I hate the way its called "selective" mutism. It's far from bloody selective. I had a million words a minute in my head. However Looking back now I can see how that would have came over as rude ignorant unfriendly and unwelcoming
. I was lucky that I blossomed, though. Some people are unfortunate to have to carry shyness right through their lives. I could have been one of them, so I'm in no way passing any judgement.

I'm an introvert but agree with those defending extroverts. Be honest OP, if everyone else was exactly as welcoming as you to new starters -say hello at the start of the day and goodbye at the end and nothing else at all - would you feel welcome in their place? Would you feel comfortable asking someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be interrupted for help? I've been the new starter enough times to know it's awkward enough asking for help even when someone is friendly and has assured me they want me to ask!

You might not be formally tasked to train the new starters but in most offices people learn from everyone around them not just their designated mentors - x is good at this particular program, or you overhear y on the phone using a really good phrase or z is the person to ask about expenses etc. But if all your colleagues were like you and ignored everyone just to work work work it would be so miserable.

Because it sounds like that's what your manager means. Nobody is saying you have to spend hours every day on "inane chit chat" but just a bit of social smoothing, a 5 minute "how are you finding the job" "do you want a coffee" "how was your drive in today" "let me know if you have any questions" "that sounded like a tough call - are you OK?" makes all the difference.

This is rubbish. If you’re doing your job well then you don’t need to be a company social puppet. As usual companies don’t understand introverts.

@thevassal

I'm an introvert but agree with those defending extroverts. Be honest OP, if everyone else was exactly as welcoming as you to new starters -say hello at the start of the day and goodbye at the end and nothing else at all - would you feel welcome in their place? Would you feel comfortable asking someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be interrupted for help? I've been the new starter enough times to know it's awkward enough asking for help even when someone is friendly and has assured me they want me to ask!

You might not be formally tasked to train the new starters but in most offices people learn from everyone around them not just their designated mentors - x is good at this particular program, or you overhear y on the phone using a really good phrase or z is the person to ask about expenses etc. But if all your colleagues were like you and ignored everyone just to work work work it would be so miserable.

Because it sounds like that's what your manager means. Nobody is saying you have to spend hours every day on "inane chit chat" but just a bit of social smoothing, a 5 minute "how are you finding the job" "do you want a coffee" "how was your drive in today" "let me know if you have any questions" "that sounded like a tough call - are you OK?" makes all the difference.

Would you feel comfortable asking someone who has made it very clear that they don't want to be interrupted for help?

Eh? She specifically says ‘I have asked them if they are ok and shown them how to do a few bits’. She never said she makes it clear she doesn’t want to help.

I can't help but feel like there's more to this than what's in the OPs

I don't really know what to think. I have lost my natural people skills over the past couple of years and perimenopaus /anxiety does not help this, at all. But saying that, I can still muster a smile and a welcome to the firm, I hope you you enjoy it here etc.

Your manager is being unreasonable. It’s perfectly ok to come into the office, say hello and get on with your work. I hate the chatty boring drivel that some colleagues spout. It’s bliss WFH in silence.

I sympathise with you, OP. I got flamed on another recent thread for saying more or less exactly this:

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party

That is an overreaction. I don't have time to chat all day at work but I do interact with the people I work with now and again. It is polite and friendly to do so.

A lot of the friends DH and I have gathered over the years started as work colleagues. We don't all live and work where we grew up.

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party

I can't think of a single place I've worked at that has ever mustered birthday party energy. Not even on the odd occasion when a birthday has actually been celebrated.

The vast majority of people fall naturally into the happy middle ground - some chat, mostly work, not standoffish or talkative enough for someone to have complained about it.

So many rude and strange over reactors on here. Yes it's rude to only say hello and good bye and not utter another word. No one is saying you must chit chat all day long but being friendly and talking occasionally is part of normal human interactions. And it makes a good work environment. I always remember working with a girl like that who in the end was actually sacked because she made the work place tense and unpleasant. Oh and many of us manage to be normal humans and get our work done.

You are both right @LubaLuca and @ShaneTheThird.
Being friendly and polite oils the wheels of society and creates a nice working environment.

I don't chat all day, but I will contribute to a conversation about the GBBO for example or whether I have had my booster etc. Those are nomral social interactions.

As we mostly work from home these days these conversations are held in our daily Teams meetings which will only last about half an hour. I spend the rest of the day not talking to anyone as I am sat in my office on my own concentrating on complicated spreadsheets.

So many cranky weird people on here. If you make yourself unapproachable then don't be surprised if the manager notices and wants to pull you up on it. Being willing to answer questions is not the same as appearing willing.

Being an introvert doesn't excuse you from being friendly and welcoming and expecting you to engage positively with colleagues isn't unreasonable. Nor does it mean you're being expected to be a jester or whatever ridiculous things people have spouted.

I also do wonder why the new start and manager have decided the problem is the quiet part timer.
All a bit sledgehammer and nut if you ask me.

If it were me I'd do a how was the weekend, what do you think of the weather, on each time I'd seeing the moaning Minnie. Probably next complaint will be over familiarity.😉

You don’t sound rude at all. I’ve always been known for my friendly chatty ways and people have always seemed to be positive about me. However I know I talk too much and try to rein it in, when I don’t manage to (usually if I’m anxious), I get cross with myself and I’m sure other people are inwardly groaning and wishing I’d shut up. There is great value in a quiet employee who gets on with her work.

OP, like it or not, certain behaviours are broadly seen as being rude, standoffish, unfriendly. It doesn’t matter what the source of or the reason for that behaviour is - anxiety, shyness, too busy, unable to pick up social cues, stressed out with other things that are going on, genuinely unpleasant person who doesn’t care etc - the behaviour itself is deemed to be rude. You should quite aware of what is expected, so you can choose, maybe, to practise these behaviour until you are better at them?

I’m on both sides of the fence. I’m a total extrovert, as is one of my children. He’s been out virtually all weekend, with at least 3-4 different friendship groups, and he just thrives on the interaction. The other is a total introvert. He says he is bored, but he’s rejected any suggestion that we might get one of his friends over: “I see them enough at school “. He genuinely needs the down time at home alone or with DH / me just doing crafty / art / creative stuff, to recharge his batteries.

Yet out in the big wide world both of them are held to the same standards of “normal” behaviour, and my little introvert is going to find that hard work when he gets to that stage.

@Tallduckandhandsome yes but if person A says an offhand "let me know if you have any questions" once but other than that never speaks to me, whereas person B has asked about what job I did beforehand, chats for 5 minutes when I get in in the morning, invited me to lunch with them, and checks in once or twice a day "how's it going?" "Do you have any questions about y, I know that's completely new for you," etc then obviously I'm always going to go to friendly, welcoming person B, who has indicated they are happy to stop working for 5 mins, rather than person A who has shown they like to get on with their work and who I would feel awkward about interrupting. Which isn't fair either on the new starter or on person B.

It's really annoying how people on this thread are using "being introverted" when what they really mean is they are grumpy, self-centered misanthropes with no social skills. I'm an introvert - it just means I enjoy my own company -not that I never want to engage with anyone else ever. Its people like you that give introverts a bad name.

I have worked in a lot of different places and I've never ever worked with anyone like those who have self described on this thread, as only wanting to get on with their work and never chatting about anything else. I've worked with quiet and shy people, and loud ones. I've worked with people who talk less than others, and people who never shut up. But I've never worked with anyone who never engages at all, ever, beyond the initial good morning. Sitting in a room with other people for 40 hours a week and not exchanging the odd pleasantry isn't introverted,it's weird and rude.

I think it's another case of mumsnet self selection,like all those people who shun people who make friends at work or at the school gate, and view hen parties or full family Christmases as being summonsed to intensive torture rather than an invitation to spend time celebrating an important event with people you are ostensibly fond of....meanwhile in the real world.....

@thevassal

It's really annoying how people on this thread are using "being introverted" when what they really mean is they are grumpy, self-centered misanthropes with no social skills. I'm an introvert - it just means I enjoy my own company -not that I never want to engage with anyone else ever. Its people like you that give introverts a bad name.

I have worked in a lot of different places and I've never ever worked with anyone like those who have self described on this thread, as only wanting to get on with their work and never chatting about anything else. I've worked with quiet and shy people, and loud ones. I've worked with people who talk less than others, and people who never shut up. But I've never worked with anyone who never engages at all, ever, beyond the initial good morning. Sitting in a room with other people for 40 hours a week and not exchanging the odd pleasantry isn't introverted,it's weird and rude.

I think it's another case of mumsnet self selection,like all those people who shun people who make friends at work or at the school gate, and view hen parties or full family Christmases as being summonsed to intensive torture rather than an invitation to spend time celebrating an important event with people you are ostensibly fond of....meanwhile in the real world.....

Definitely this. I think people mistake introvert for antisocial. Being an introvert is mainly where you get your energy from and how you recharge. There's a really good video (I think on the BBC about the power of introverts). What people are describing on here is poor social interaction and people skills. Some introverts have fantastic social skills, are friendly and helpful they will just not want to spend every day and night around people socialising as they need to recharge their batteries.

I agree @thevassal and @Lyricallie. There are a lot of mumsnetters who give being an introvert a bad name because they genuinely dislike being with other people. I have friends who are introverts. They are quiet, but friendly and aporoachable. DH is extremely introverted, but unfortunately he does often give the impression of being aloof and unfriendly.

@thevassal

It's really annoying how people on this thread are using "being introverted" when what they really mean is they are grumpy, self-centered misanthropes with no social skills. I'm an introvert - it just means I enjoy my own company -not that I never want to engage with anyone else ever. Its people like you that give introverts a bad name.

I have worked in a lot of different places and I've never ever worked with anyone like those who have self described on this thread, as only wanting to get on with their work and never chatting about anything else. I've worked with quiet and shy people, and loud ones. I've worked with people who talk less than others, and people who never shut up. But I've never worked with anyone who never engages at all, ever, beyond the initial good morning. Sitting in a room with other people for 40 hours a week and not exchanging the odd pleasantry isn't introverted,it's weird and rude.

I think it's another case of mumsnet self selection,like all those people who shun people who make friends at work or at the school gate, and view hen parties or full family Christmases as being summonsed to intensive torture rather than an invitation to spend time celebrating an important event with people you are ostensibly fond of....meanwhile in the real world.....

Excellent post.

@thevassal

It's really annoying how people on this thread are using "being introverted" when what they really mean is they are grumpy, self-centered misanthropes with no social skills. I'm an introvert - it just means I enjoy my own company -not that I never want to engage with anyone else ever. Its people like you that give introverts a bad name.

I have worked in a lot of different places and I've never ever worked with anyone like those who have self described on this thread, as only wanting to get on with their work and never chatting about anything else. I've worked with quiet and shy people, and loud ones. I've worked with people who talk less than others, and people who never shut up. But I've never worked with anyone who never engages at all, ever, beyond the initial good morning. Sitting in a room with other people for 40 hours a week and not exchanging the odd pleasantry isn't introverted,it's weird and rude.

I think it's another case of mumsnet self selection,like all those people who shun people who make friends at work or at the school gate, and view hen parties or full family Christmases as being summonsed to intensive torture rather than an invitation to spend time celebrating an important event with people you are ostensibly fond of....meanwhile in the real world.....

Perfectly said.

Introversion just means you recharge your batteries by spending time alone, whereas extroverts recharge by spending time with others.

I'm a classic introvert and need my alone time each day to function, but that's not the same as being rude and stand-offish to people.

MN gives introverts a really awful name IMO.