My manager called me rude...

[user874009]

and unwelcoming.

He said I don't make new colleagues feel very welcome by making conversation with them. I'm not much of a talker with the colleagues I have known for years, I usually just say morning then get on with my work.
I feel so upset, I shielded for most of last year which has knocked my confidence at work and caused anxiety.

Unless your anxiety is crippling (in which case you should probably see your GP), I don't think 'not being much of a talker' is a fair excuse not to put yourself out a tiny bit for the newcomers.

I'm sure you'd appreciate it if you were in their shoes.

@MultiStorey

It sounds like he is right. If you had the job of “making people feel welcome” would you hate it?

You are getting some very specific feedback, which it also seems you can acknowledge is true, but feel upset that others have seen it. It’s up to you what to do with it

This.

I work in a small office that can get quite noisy at times with the amount of people in there and all the conversations going on. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it and try and block out everything thats going on around me to help me cope.

So, you need to share that with people, because the way you are responding at the moment appears rude to most of society.
If you have sensory processing issues then people can make adjustments, but if they don't know that, then they can't.

As a pp said, new starters are likely to be feeling overwhelmed, and there is a certain expectation of more experienced staff in the same team to make them feel welcome.

@tallduckandhandsome

Does he also expect male staff to make new colleagues welcome too?

It sounds like ‘wife work’ in the office.

Why wouldn't he? This is a really unusual take on this. I've always worked with lots of men, and they've always been no less friendly than the women.

Well there’s a difference between talking all day about anything and not speaking at all. If you’re new in an office and a member of staff didn’t say more than hello, didn’t ask “ how are you getting on? ” or “how are you finding the X system” then I wouldn’t think they were very welcoming. Your boss has a responsibility for ensuring things run smoothly and they are within their rights to point out if something needs addressing.

@tallduckandhandsome

Does he also expect male staff to make new colleagues welcome too?

It sounds like ‘wife work’ in the office.

Well I would assume so, I mean expecting anyone to help welcome new starters is hardly a massive ask, is it?

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party
Exactly this. You aren't the court jester.
I can't believe people are saying op is rude, and the new starters might also suffer with anxiety. As long as you are polite and acknowledge people, and of course your work is up to standard, then all is good. My old boss specifically asked me to stay out of the office drama, I had access to privileged information and decision making, so had to be polite, but slightly aloof to be able to do my job properly.

'Entertainment'
'Puppet'
'Court Jester'

Jeez, it's hard to remember we're actually talking about mildly putting oneself out to make newcomers feel welcome.

I'm sure the OP and others would have something to say if they started at a place of work, where being welcoming was seen as any of those ridiculous things.

I’m an introvert and I have ASD. I find it absolutely exhausting to socialise with people as well as complicated/confusing and it baffles me that extroverts can’t be more accommodating to those of us who aren’t people orientated.

@Divebar2021

Well there’s a difference between talking all day about anything and not speaking at all. If you’re new in an office and a member of staff didn’t say more than hello, didn’t ask “ how are you getting on? ” or “how are you finding the X system” then I wouldn’t think they were very welcoming. Your boss has a responsibility for ensuring things run smoothly and they are within their rights to point out if something needs addressing.

I have asked them if they are ok and shown them how to do a few bits. Not as much as my other colleagues have but they work full time and I work part time so don't spend so much time with the new starters. I just haven't been very sociable with them but thats just how I am when I am working.

@Bibbtybobbityboo

You are not an entertaining puppet. Why do we live in a world where introverts are seen as rude. Saying hello and being helpful is fine. Its a strength not a weakness.

This.

What are you supposed to do welcome every one in with Jazz hands?

Why has this new employee gone complaining about you for that - that's rude!

OP, your are certainly not there to baby sit new employees. I am getting annoyed on your behalf tbh

My DH is very introverted and shy and honestly sometimes he seems so bloody rude and thats with me knowing his personality.

My DH is exactly the same. He comes across as very aloof and bored, so people think he doesn’t like them. If all you say is good morning then don’t utter another word all day to someone who is new then I can see why your boss thinks you are being unfriendly.

You don’t have to be chatty, but you need to be more open and approachable. It sounds like you are giving off “leave me alone” vibes, and you just can’t do that with new people who don’t know you, and who feel overwhelmed and unsure of themselves.

It's not rude to say hello and then focus on work... it's a workplace not a birthday party. Manager was rude ffs!

No he wasn’t. You can still be sociable at work and it not make it feel like a birthday party. You sound rather joyless and unfriendly TBH.

If I was new somewhere and a colleague said 'don't think me rude but I'm not much of a talker, and I tend to just get my head down. But if you need any help, let me know', I wouldn't think anything amiss at all, and wouldn't think them rude.

I think this ^^ is a great approach.

You are not an entertaining puppet. Why do we live in a world where introverts are seen as rude.

Why do we live in a world where introverts see any kind of friendly approach as being an invasion of privacy, a birthday party or behaving like a court jester? There is a world of difference between just being friendly and approachable and being very extroverted? Do all extreme introverts think that anyone who dares to utter more than good morning to their colleagues is someone to be avoided at all costs?

Well said Worra and RampantIvy

@WorraLiberty

'Entertainment' 'Puppet' 'Court Jester'

Jeez, it's hard to remember we're actually talking about mildly putting oneself out to make newcomers feel welcome.

I'm sure the OP and others would have something to say if they started at a place of work, where being welcoming was seen as any of those ridiculous things.

I agree. Those comments are just hysterical overreactions.

If you are working in a team with other people it is reasonable to expect every team member to make a new member to the team welcome. It doesn't mean that you have to be over-effusive and chatty. But it does mean that just saying good morning and turning your back on a new employee and not saying another word is rude.

You don’t have to be chatty, but you need to be more open and approachable. It sounds like you are giving off “leave me alone” vibes, and you just can’t do that with new people who don’t know you, and who feel overwhelmed and unsure of themselves

Maybe they should go back home to mummy then?

I go to work and work. Work is not my social life. I dont go to work to make other people feel comfortable. I dont go to work so other people feel all fuzzy and warm about their new job. I do not go to work to baby sit other people ( spent far far too much time in training) I should be able to work and focus on work with out worrying that some one is going to complain that I wasn't making them feel welcome because I was chatty - just concentrating on work.

OP just got on with her work She isn't there to help other people unless she is in training capacity.

OP I would ask for further evidence of when you have been rude/unwelcoming? No way would this be even broached if you were male

Blimey, you really have an unfriendly and negative attitude towards your work colleagues @Motheroftigers. I completely disagree with you. Silo working is not encouraged where I work. Being helpful and supportive towards your fellow team members is integral to excellent and productive teamwork. My boss would haul you over the coals with an attitude like that.

The team I work in is the most respected team in the company, and it works because we are a team and teamwork is what makes it work - the clue is in the name. We all work very hard, we help each other out and are supportive, and we actually like each other. We don't spend all day chatting because we work from home and communicate via Teams. We also don't have time to chat.

Work can be something to be enjoyed as well as a means of earning a living. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

@WorraLiberty

Unless your anxiety is crippling (in which case you should probably see your GP), I don't think 'not being much of a talker' is a fair excuse not to put yourself out a tiny bit for the newcomers.

I'm sure you'd appreciate it if you were in their shoes.

I have seen my GP about my anxiety.

I just feel as if my manager has noticed that my other colleagues spend more time/are more chatty with the new starters than I am and he thinks I am rude. Like I said I will help them if they need help and if I had lunch with them I would have a chat with them I just don't like chatting when I am working.

YANBU at all OP. If you say good morning or hello when you arrive in the morning and good bye when you leave you are being polite. I assume you smile and don't just bare your teeth at them.

I used to dislike constant banal bibble babble in the workplace, who cares what people had for tea the night before, what happened in Corrie or Eastenders. You're being paid to work not gossip. If they want help with something fine as long as it doesn't turn into a session admiring photographs of their children or pets.

@TarpaulinEyes

YANBU at all OP. If you say good morning or hello when you arrive in the morning and good bye when you leave you are being polite. I assume you smile and don't just bare your teeth at them.

I used to dislike constant banal bibble babble in the workplace, who cares what people had for tea the night before, what happened in Corrie or Eastenders. You're being paid to work not gossip. If they want help with something fine as long as it doesn't turn into a session admiring photographs of their children or pets.

I have never yet come across anyone in the workplace that only says hello when they arrive and goodbye when they leave. That would be considered anti social, unfriendly, aloof etc in most circumstances. Can you imagine if everyone did that, it wouldn’t be conducive to a happy workplace if they did.

I used to dislike constant banal bibble babble in the workplace, who cares what people had for tea the night before, what happened in Corrie or Eastenders. You're being paid to work not gossip.

It doesn't have to be banal chat or no communication at all though. There is a middle line where you can be friendly and approachable, yet not chatty. I don't have time to chat all day, but I do talk about things other than work from time to time if someone strikes up a conversation with me.

Can I ask, what sort of jobs do people do where you come in, say hello, and then just sit and work in silence? I am imagining something like accounts...I have never worked in an environment like that, and have no frame of reference! My current job mainly involves wandering around talking to people and building relationships, so basically the total opposite of that sort of job.

Can I ask, what sort of jobs do people do where you come in, say hello, and then just sit and work in silence?

We work with a lot of spreadsheets that require a lot of concentration. We manipulate data, edit databases and answer a lot of emails. We mostly WFH so we don't chat, but we talk to each other when in the office. A couple of people on our team are very quiet and introverted, but we rub along quite nicely.

Computer programming is definitely a 'heads down' environment, but not to the extreme of brief greeting then don't speak 'til you can't avoid it. There isn't constant chatter, and often everyone will be silent simultaneously, but it's still a sociable environment . You just learn to read the room.

There isn't constant chatter, and often everyone will be silent simultaneously, but it's still a sociable environment . You just learn to read the room.

I would say that pretty much describes our working atmosphere when we are in the office.