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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To maintain contact with a dismissed colleague

59 replies

ellybells · 10/12/2021 16:33

So I work for a large company. I used to work in a different location but moved location in May. Back in my previous location, I worked closely and became friendly with one of my colleagues. She was very supportive and kind, although she had her flaws and I found her hard work at times!
Anyway, since I moved she has kept in good contact and we chat mainly over WhatsApp. When her dad died in August I sent a gift. I wouldn't class her as a friend but she's nice enough.
So a few weeks ago I found out that she was accused of gross misconduct and dismissed. She hasn't spoken to me about it, I assume she isn't allowed to. What she did was not great professionally but morally it's not bad. However I know the CEO and other directors are of course very shocked and disappointed.
My manager (who also knows her although not very well) told me today that the woman messaged her asking whether I could still 'be her friend' and whether she could tell me to message her, promising 'no work talk'.
The problem is, I feel in an awkward position. I don't class her as a good friend or anything and I live miles away now so no chance really of seeing her. I appreciated all her support and tried to do the same during her loss of her dad, but I don't know, it would feel wrong I think so maintain contact after she's essentially been fired for gross misconduct! I don't think my bosses would be particularly pleased to hear I was still in contact with her and I don't want it to affect what they think of me.
I don't know what to do... maybe I should wait a few months until things have calmed down, or should I go no contact? Or, am I being unkind and should just message her?
So sorry for long post!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ellybells · 10/12/2021 16:36

Also don't know whether it's worth mentioning, I now work quite closely with the CEO and directors...

OP posts:

BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 16:36

Whether you want to continue the friendship is one thing. What the bosses think is another.

Personally I think its reprehensible when bosses attempt to control someone's private life and relationships in this way and don't believe it would stand up in court.

It's none of their damned business.

Original poster

ellybells · 10/12/2021 16:39

Thank you @BobbieT1999. It's good to know they can't do anything in terms of my professionalism. I just don't know, I feel bad as she must be going through a rubbish time with it but tbh from what I know she brought it upon herself a bit. She also can be a person who blurs lines and I do worry she'll start probing me about work and asking awkward questions

OP posts:

CorrBlimeyGG · 10/12/2021 16:41

You don't sound very nice. You've been happy to have this woman be your friend and support you when you needed it, but now you're backing off because you're more bothered about what your bosses think. Have you taken a moment to think how she must be feeling? Losing her Dad and her job in a matter of months, she must be in bits.

KittenCatcher · 10/12/2021 16:43

If she is your friend if course you can continue seeing her if you want to, its nothing to do with the employer.you dont have to tell your boss or mention her dismissal with her. How did you find out she was sacked for g.m. if she isnt allowed to talk about it neither should anyone else.

lanthanum · 10/12/2021 16:51

By the sounds of what she said to your manager, she understands that it could be awkward, and therefore if she mentions work I think you'd be fine just closing the conversation down: "sorry, I'm sure you understand that I can't really talk about work-related matters".

So if she's been a friend to you, and you want to give her some more general friendship and support, continuing to chat a bit by WhatsApp should be fine. Your manager is aware, and hasn't told you it's not allowed. It can be more difficult where someone is going through a disciplinary, but it sounds as if it is done and dusted.

The difficult one would be if she asks you to give her a reference, but some organisations have rules about who may give references, so you can probably just say that unfortunately it's not allowed.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 10/12/2021 16:55

I don't see why not. It's not the company's business, is the bottom line.

You weren't implicated in any of her actions and say they weren't morally too questionable (so presumably not theft, fraud, assaulting a patient or anything), just a professional mistake so I wouldn't have thought it would reflect badly on you to maintain contact, even if your bosses were aware for some reason.

I would be quite firm about the 'no work talk' boundary though just in case she's looking to build a case for unfair dismissal or anything like that. You really don't want to have let anything slip that that is used there (I appreciate it's a bit paranoid to think like that but it's the only way I can think your contact might get you into hot water).

SilverHairedCat · 10/12/2021 16:58

It depends on the blurred lines - it's not easy to get yourself stacked for gross misconduct, so what on earth did she do?..

I refused to stay in touch with ex-colleagues in the police who had been sacked as they all showed they had a significantly different moral code from me and they were not people I wanted in my life. Especially memorable was one civilian member of staff who lots of my colleagues rallied round because she'd been there 20yrs. She'd been giving intelligence about police operations to a drug dealer for money (not because she was in financial hardship either) for fucks sake - why would a police officer or member of staff stay friends with someone doing that? My mind still boggles.

goodwinter · 10/12/2021 17:02

Am I reading this right - your former colleague messaged your current boss to ask if she ( former colleague) was still allowed to be friends with you?

What on earth has it got to do with your boss who you're friends with outside work?

twilightermummy · 10/12/2021 17:06

I completely agree with this. However, I would add that you seem reluctant to refer to her as a friend so you’re probably not that bothered anyway really.

SSOYS · 10/12/2021 17:07

She’s been sacked, not excommunicated. Of course you can carry on being friends if you want to. Your post suggests that you don’t really want to, so it’s also fine not, but be honest with yourself about the reason at least.

godmum56 · 10/12/2021 17:11

I think this is difficult to answer without knowing what she did although if your boss knows and doesn't object then that's one hurdle....if it was me I think I would keep in reserve the decision to distance myself depending on how she behaves. You say that she never really was a friend, more like a work colleague you got on with?
I'd say two things really...number one is be blooming careful really blooming careful. If you are communicating via social media mind what she can see and access. the second is nasty but I will say it anyway.....mud sticks. Its not easy to make a charge of gross misconduct stick, so assuming that she wasn't hounded out or a massive mistake has been made, the friendship may come to reflect on you....

herestoyoucolinrobinson · 10/12/2021 17:11

I’m still good friends with one, she made a stupid mistake and I supported her through it and afterwards.

I cut off another after she asked me to lie for her. A friend would not put me in that position.

So I guess it depends if you’re actually friends. It’s quite easy to get sacked for gross misconduct where I work compared to others it seems.

Original poster

ellybells · 10/12/2021 17:13

Thank you for your replies. It is difficult as to be honest I wouldn't really class her as a friend, I found her hard work and not really my 'kind of person' (I'm quite shy and quiet and she was very loud and scared me a bit!) but she was a supportive person when I found work tough and was upset.
I think I will message her Happy Christmas and then see where it goes in the new year. I definitely think I need to be firm with work boundaries as to be honest, what she did seemed out of character and maybe she will be building a case.

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 10/12/2021 17:13

One of my colleagues in my team is engaged to someone who used to work at our place of work and was dismissed for gross misconduct. They were together before he was sacked, and she wasn't going to end their relationship because of it. He was dismissed a few years ago and she still works there, has a great reputation and has been promoted since. Nobody seems bothered. If it's relevant, what he did was quite bad, nobody was hurt or anything but it was along the lines of fraud.

I'd say stay friends with her, your employer shouldn't control your life.

Butchyrestingface · 10/12/2021 17:14

So a few weeks ago I found out that she was accused of gross misconduct and dismissed. She hasn't spoken to me about it, I assume she isn't allowed to. What she did was not great professionally but morally it's not bad.

I'm intrigued by whatever behaviour could constitute "gross misconduct" but is merely "not great professionally" and morally not bad at all.

Butchyrestingface · 10/12/2021 17:16

Anyways, no I wouldn't stay friends with her. Not because she's been dismissed but because you don't sound like you actually like the woman. You both deserve better than that.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 10/12/2021 17:20

@Butchyrestingface

I'm intrigued by whatever behaviour could constitute "gross misconduct" but is merely "not great professionally" and morally not bad at all.

Repeated general errors can be gross misconduct, I wouldn't class them as morally wrong but not great professionally.

SusieBob · 10/12/2021 17:21

Make a decision on a personal basis. Your work has no control over your private life at all.

That said it does sound like you don't actually like her so why bother?

Elieza · 10/12/2021 17:28

Who you are pals with in your own time is your business.

I’d tell her from the getgo that you won’t discuss work or provide a reference etc that it’s nice to keep in touch without discussing work.

If she comes back to you then you know she wants to be friends. Fine.
If not you know she was wanting to use you.

TangfasticsAreFantastic · 10/12/2021 17:35

Yeah, they can't tell you who you can or can't talk to outside of work, but they are perfectly within their rights to ask you not to talk about work. We have confidentiality clauses in our contracts that you would be in breach of if you did, no matter what the circumstances of the former employee's dismissal.

Personally I'd keep in contact and if she pressed or pried too hard would then distance myself.

fakereview · 10/12/2021 17:40

It depends on the blurred lines - it's not easy to get yourself stacked for gross misconduct, so what on earth did she do

depends who you work for - plenty of stories on here about micromanaging bosses who would engineer a gross misconduct charge! And some companies have strict rules about certain processes that other people would think were overly strict.

If you want to keep in touch with her you can - it's none of your employer's business. And I also wonder how you know about this - it doesn't speak well of your employer's internal confidentiality.

fakereview · 10/12/2021 17:41

I'm intrigued by whatever behaviour could constitute "gross misconduct" but is merely "not great professionally" and morally not bad at all

an example might be a complaint from a client that you didn't tell your boss about immediately but tried to deal with yourself in breach of company guidelines (but not a criminal or regulatory act- just not following company due process).

LilJim · 10/12/2021 17:41

@Butchyrestingface

I'm intrigued by whatever behaviour could constitute "gross misconduct" but is merely "not great professionally" and morally not bad at all.

I used to work somewhere it was quite easy to get pulled up for gross misconduct around data protection as the organisation held a huge amount of confidential info. Maybe something like that?

I think in practice, if handled right by the employee, most got away with a final warning but it was very possible to be sacked for making a mistake in that area.

If it had happened to a friend, I wouldn't
have judged them morally since if was no ill intent or gain from this happening as a mistake or through carelessness.

Frankola · 10/12/2021 19:45

Everyone is automatically assuming the company's actions are perfectly sound.

What about those companies that manage people out, basically set people up to be sacked. We all know they exist. One place I previously worked at, the owner basically had a target employee at all times who he was working behind the scenes to get rid of, because he'd decided he didn't like them. All employees knew about his behaviour and basically prayed it wasn't them at any point!

Oddly enough, it was very frowned upon by him if you remained in contact with anyone on his list of victims! You can guess why.

Your employer has no say over who you are friends with in your personal. The choice is yours

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