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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To maintain contact with a dismissed colleague

59 replies

ellybells · 10/12/2021 16:33

So I work for a large company. I used to work in a different location but moved location in May. Back in my previous location, I worked closely and became friendly with one of my colleagues. She was very supportive and kind, although she had her flaws and I found her hard work at times!
Anyway, since I moved she has kept in good contact and we chat mainly over WhatsApp. When her dad died in August I sent a gift. I wouldn't class her as a friend but she's nice enough.
So a few weeks ago I found out that she was accused of gross misconduct and dismissed. She hasn't spoken to me about it, I assume she isn't allowed to. What she did was not great professionally but morally it's not bad. However I know the CEO and other directors are of course very shocked and disappointed.
My manager (who also knows her although not very well) told me today that the woman messaged her asking whether I could still 'be her friend' and whether she could tell me to message her, promising 'no work talk'.
The problem is, I feel in an awkward position. I don't class her as a good friend or anything and I live miles away now so no chance really of seeing her. I appreciated all her support and tried to do the same during her loss of her dad, but I don't know, it would feel wrong I think so maintain contact after she's essentially been fired for gross misconduct! I don't think my bosses would be particularly pleased to hear I was still in contact with her and I don't want it to affect what they think of me.
I don't know what to do... maybe I should wait a few months until things have calmed down, or should I go no contact? Or, am I being unkind and should just message her?
So sorry for long post!!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 10/12/2021 20:00

I’m very surprised that she hasn’t had a clause in her contract saying she isn’t allowed to contact anyone afterwards!

Yummypumpkin · 10/12/2021 20:04

Having you as a friend (and anyone i text or message I class as a friend) could mean more to her than you know.

Being fired is devastating...and she's probably been shunned by a lot of former colleagues.

Don't stay in touch out of pity, but going no contact would seem unnecessarily cruel. Nothing wrong with staying in touch.

BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 20:04

@ellybells I probably ought to say I'm not remotely legally trained/employment law informed Grin

Asi1 · 10/12/2021 20:12

Please be careful. A colleague in the school l worked in was dismissed. He had a party and invited some of the staff to it, it was one facebook and someone told the school. Every person who worked in the school and was on those photos was told off by the head and warned not to engage with him in anyway.

Original poster
ellybells · 10/12/2021 20:41

I'm a super anxious person and think I'm overthinking it. I've read back through our WhatsApp chat and she's sent like one random message every few weeks, sometimes work related drama/stuff and sometimes random things like selfies (which is a bit strange in itself 😂). I've then replied quite generic things as tbh I don't often know what to say! Maybe she just wants to continue doing that? But I find it strange she's messaged my manager and it means that much to her?
I'm scared to give too many details of what she did on here, but it was definitely gross misconduct and out of order. Reflecting on my pp it is morally wrong too, just not like a heinous 'crime' like theft or assault. It's to do with age and mental health discrimination. Sorry for confusing this 🙈
I don't know the full story but I do know this info as I was questioned in the context of working with her and any comments made... I didnt know anything and I don't think she knows I was asked so not sure it would impact her contacting me.
Sorry for drip feeding 😳

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 11/12/2021 06:57

@CorrBlimeyGG

You don't sound very nice. You've been happy to have this woman be your friend and support you when you needed it, but now you're backing off because you're more bothered about what your bosses think. Have you taken a moment to think how she must be feeling? Losing her Dad and her job in a matter of months, she must be in bits.
This.
Itloggedmeoutagain · 11/12/2021 07:05

@goodwinter

Am I reading this right - your former colleague messaged your current boss to ask if she ( former colleague) was still allowed to be friends with you?

What on earth has it got to do with your boss who you're friends with outside work?

That's what I thought
Itloggedmeoutagain · 11/12/2021 07:10

depends on the blurred lines - it's not easy to get yourself stacked for gross misconduct, so what on earth did she do?.

In some jobs it's extremely easy!

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 07:15

How would work know for starters. Aside from jobs relating to national security who might reasonably raise an eyebrow if you become best mates with putin, jobs where the bosses think they should have a say in who you talk to outside of work is grim.

Dozer · 11/12/2021 07:16

You were ambivalent about her as a colleague, but when she ‘left’ started and maintained social contact with her and discussed your respective personal lives.

She understandably views you as a friend. You are still ambivalent about her. But continued friendly contact.

Your main concern now seems that should your senior colleagues find out you’re in contact with her they might think badly of you.

Not a nice way to behave on your part.

EdgeOfTheSky · 11/12/2021 07:23

I wouldn’t like the fact that she messaged your manager, without telling you, to ask if she could be in contact with you.

Look. You found her hard work at times. She lives miles away. Yes she was supportive and kind, but that doesn’t mean you need to tie yourself in knots as to whether you can be friends with someone you wouldn’t naturally stay in contact with anyway.

notanothertakeaway · 11/12/2021 07:34

@Asi1

Please be careful. A colleague in the school l worked in was dismissed. He had a party and invited some of the staff to it, it was one facebook and someone told the school. Every person who worked in the school and was on those photos was told off by the head and warned not to engage with him in anyway.
Surely the head has no power to dictate whi staff can be friends with?
anon12345678901 · 11/12/2021 07:36

@CorrBlimeyGG

You don't sound very nice. You've been happy to have this woman be your friend and support you when you needed it, but now you're backing off because you're more bothered about what your bosses think. Have you taken a moment to think how she must be feeling? Losing her Dad and her job in a matter of months, she must be in bits.
This.
drpet49 · 11/12/2021 08:15

* Thank you for your replies. It is difficult as to be honest I wouldn't really class her as a friend, I found her hard work and not really my 'kind of person' (I'm quite shy and quiet and she was very loud and scared me a bit!) but she was a supportive person when I found work tough and was upset.*

^So you benefitted from her suppport when you were going through a bad period but aren’t willing to do the same

AlternativePerspective · 11/12/2021 08:28

Are you sure she actually messaged your manager and that your manager isn’t saying that to gage your loyalty?

Whatever you do with regards to her is your shout but I wouldn’t let on to your management either way as I don’t believe that the employee would have messaged them if she’d been fired.

Either way, who you communicate with outside of work is none of anyone’s business, and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

The only clause they could stipulate would be that the former employee couldn’t communicate about the reasons for their dismissal but once they no longer work for the company the company has no rights in regard to who they speak to.

Equally it’s unreasonable to suggest that someone who is dismissed should never be able to communicate with people who still work there. What happens when e.g. a couple work at the same organisation and one is dismissed? Should the employer demand that the other one divorce their spouse or leave the company? They’d be in serious legal trouble if they did that.

Hoppinggreen · 11/12/2021 08:32

It’s up to you if you want to stay friends with her but to be honest it doesn’t really sound like you do.
If you actually like her and want to keep in touch then do that but if she’s hard work and you think she will just try and use you to get work info or something then don’t

VainAbigail · 11/12/2021 08:33

You need to end this connection with her. For her sake. You don’t sound very nice and have said more than once that you don’t class her as a friend. Do her a favour and tell her you don’t want to keep in touch anymore. You sound like a crap friend anyway.

EnidFrighten · 11/12/2021 08:37

It doesn't sound like you're the friend she needs now, you don't care about her that much and you'd be prepared to dump her for professional advantage. Which is ok, work friendships are tricky.

I don't think you need to do anything dramatic, either tell her you don't want to stay in touch or else let it fizzle out.

FriedasCarLoad · 11/12/2021 08:40

Are you sure she was justly dismissed?

I was forced into resigning from one job. I'd had literally twice the workload of my colleagues for a few years. It almost broke me and I asked for a 'normal' workload.

From then on my copybook was blotted. They bullied me into I had a breakdown. Then when I returned they accused me of something I didn't do. I could prove I hadn't done it, but it was resign today or be fired and then have to go to an employment tribunal to prove it was wrongful dismissal before being able to work again in the same sector.

They'd broken me so I just resigned. But I hadn't done anything wrong. Many colleagues stayed in touch as friends. I'm so glad they gave me the benefit of the doubt.

UnsuitableHat · 11/12/2021 08:48

It’s your business who you’re friends with, but it doesn’t sound as though you particularly want this woman as your friend - your honest feelings about that could be the decider.
I think the message to your manager is odd and would be tempted to just leave the ball in her court for a while as regards future contact.

Yousexybugger · 11/12/2021 08:53

I don't think the OP doesn't sound nice. We don't owe everyone endless support or contact.

She's just being honest about their level of acquaintance. The other woman isn't really her kind of person, can be overbearing if kind hearted.

They've been mutually supportive as colleagues and kept in touch sporadically since.

The OP is now concerned as this woman has been sacked for something quite grave, and has brought her name into it by asking whether they can keep in touch. We don't know the company culture and whether this would be an unspoken problem.

Perhaps the other lady would class their acquaintance as something more, or was asking more generally about keeping in touch and just named the OP as an example.

OP I wouldn't worry about this too much. Workplaces throw people together who have little in common and supportive friendships form. Often only really for the duration of the job even if intentions are to stay in touch, if theres no other common ground.

No harm in just maintaining the sporadic chats you do have, whilst firmly avoiding any work conversation. You can be kind about her wellbeing and job search but if she starts trying to discuss her dismissal with you, say 'I'm so sorry all this has happened, Sue, but I really can't get involved or discuss it as I still work there'.

EdgeOfTheSky · 11/12/2021 09:13

“Please be careful. A colleague in the school l worked in was dismissed. He had a party and invited some of the staff to it, it was one facebook and someone told the school. Every person who worked in the school and was on those photos was told off by the head and warned not to engage with him in anyway”

“Surely the head has no power to dictate whi staff can be friends with?”

Surely you can see why someone dismissed from a school, if it was due to an unknown or not fully known reason, could be very very ill advised choice of friend or association on SM?

We don’t know the specifics here but in appropriate contact with students, any serious safeguarding concern, would seem to me to be a good reason for a head to informally warn staff away.

tallduckandhandsome · 11/12/2021 09:22

My first thought was as she’s done nothing morally wrong then you should continue with contact if you want to.

However, the fact that she’s gone to your manager and asked her if she could still be your ‘friend’ and asked her to tell you to message her is extremely odd.

Why didn’t she just contact you directly? It sounds like she wants your employers to know she still has a toe hold in your company through you.

I would speak to your manager and say you’re not friends just acquaintances and would welcome some guidance on hoe to approach this.

Cocomarine · 11/12/2021 09:33

You don’t sound very nice. Not your kind of person? Well, she was your kind of person when you were getting the tough-at-work support you wanted from her, wasn’t she? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Who has to go back through WhatsApp messages to decide if it’s a friendship or not?

FGS just be honest with yourself. You don’t particularly like her. You definitely don’t want to have any bad reflection on you at work from being known to be friends with her. But deep down you feel that’s a little shitty as you were happy to take from her in the past. Instead of resolving that yourself, you’ve taken to MN to say out loud “oh well we weren’t REALLY friends” and hopefully get people to agree with you to feel better.

All this nonsense about her sending selfies 🙄

Fine, drop her - but own it.

Hoppinggreen · 11/12/2021 09:43

You don’t owe anyone friendship, just dont be a Dick about it