To maintain contact with a dismissed colleague

[ellybells]

So I work for a large company. I used to work in a different location but moved location in May. Back in my previous location, I worked closely and became friendly with one of my colleagues. She was very supportive and kind, although she had her flaws and I found her hard work at times!
Anyway, since I moved she has kept in good contact and we chat mainly over WhatsApp. When her dad died in August I sent a gift. I wouldn't class her as a friend but she's nice enough.
So a few weeks ago I found out that she was accused of gross misconduct and dismissed. She hasn't spoken to me about it, I assume she isn't allowed to. What she did was not great professionally but morally it's not bad. However I know the CEO and other directors are of course very shocked and disappointed.
My manager (who also knows her although not very well) told me today that the woman messaged her asking whether I could still 'be her friend' and whether she could tell me to message her, promising 'no work talk'.
The problem is, I feel in an awkward position. I don't class her as a good friend or anything and I live miles away now so no chance really of seeing her. I appreciated all her support and tried to do the same during her loss of her dad, but I don't know, it would feel wrong I think so maintain contact after she's essentially been fired for gross misconduct! I don't think my bosses would be particularly pleased to hear I was still in contact with her and I don't want it to affect what they think of me.
I don't know what to do... maybe I should wait a few months until things have calmed down, or should I go no contact? Or, am I being unkind and should just message her?
So sorry for long post!!

@Cocomarine

You don’t sound very nice. Not your kind of person? Well, she was your kind of person when you were getting the tough-at-work support you wanted from her, wasn’t she? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who has to go back through WhatsApp messages to decide if it’s a friendship or not?

FGS just be honest with yourself. You don’t particularly like her. You definitely don’t want to have any bad reflection on you at work from being known to be friends with her. But deep down you feel that’s a little shitty as you were happy to take from her in the past. Instead of resolving that yourself, you’ve taken to MN to say out loud “oh well we weren’t REALLY friends” and hopefully get people to agree with you to feel better.

All this nonsense about her sending selfies 🙄

Fine, drop her - but own it.

Conveniently missing that OP supported her too and this women has gone behind OP’s back and asked if she can still be friends with OP, as if OP is 6 years old.

@ShirleyPhallus

I’m very surprised that she hasn’t had a clause in her contract saying she isn’t allowed to contact anyone afterwards!

How would that be enforceable once she’s left the company?

When I had a job as a student, I became really good friends with someone I worked with. We went out together at least once a week etc. Text a lot.

She was fired for gross misconduct, which sounds really bad but really, she fucked up doing an order, it all became a mess, money was missing, then found, then more was missing, customer really angry. It wasnt intentionally but was really poor for the business and just a huge fuck up. She got fired. One of the conditions of the dismissal was that she could never enter any of their premises ever again (so not allowed into any of their shops anywhere in the country ever again - a huge national chain) and she was not allowed any contact with any current or former staff members ever again.

We were young. She was terrified of what else they could do to her if she broke those conditions. Didnt know if they could sue her or something so we had to stop all contact.

I think it was really nasty of the company. Her punishment was being fired. I dont know how they can have any right to control personal relationships.

@tallduckandhandsome no, didn’t miss any of that, and my opinion is still the same.

I’m not saying that sacked friend hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t blame OP if she cares more about her reputation at work than she does this friendship.

I just think OP should own her feelings without using MN to post “oh well we weren’t REALLY friends” looking for justification.

Ditch her. But own it.

Who needs to look back through WhatsApp messages to “prove” to online strangers that you’re not actually ditching a friend?

@Itsalmostanaccessory

When I had a job as a student, I became really good friends with someone I worked with. We went out together at least once a week etc. Text a lot.

She was fired for gross misconduct, which sounds really bad but really, she fucked up doing an order, it all became a mess, money was missing, then found, then more was missing, customer really angry. It wasnt intentionally but was really poor for the business and just a huge fuck up. She got fired. One of the conditions of the dismissal was that she could never enter any of their premises ever again (so not allowed into any of their shops anywhere in the country ever again - a huge national chain) and she was not allowed any contact with any current or former staff members ever again.

We were young. She was terrified of what else they could do to her if she broke those conditions. Didnt know if they could sue her or something so we had to stop all contact.

I think it was really nasty of the company. Her punishment was being fired. I dont know how they can have any right to control personal relationships.

That sounds really scary and way over the top for a young person who messed up. Plus how would they ever enforce or police it?

When someone at my place of work was dismissed for gross misconduct, we were all told that we were to have no contact with her. Presumably she was told the same.

If your ex colleague was told not to contact anyone, presumably that's why she has asked your boss for permission. There's nothing odd in that. Another of my colleagues was a best friend of the person dismissed. She went to our boss to say that she couldn't not have contact with her and didn't want to lie and say she was complying with the instruction. Our boss understood that, and they had a conversation about how to handle the continuing friendship.

Two separate issues:

a) Should your employer be able to impose limits on your private life and friendships? Absolutely not. She clearly has been through a lot and would probably really benefit from the moral support if you were a close friend. And if you were a close friend and cut her off because she's been sacked you would be an arsehole.

b) But it doesn't sound as if she's a particularly close friend and perhaps not someone you'd make time for outside work anyway so it may not be worth the grief of keeping up with her. And I'd be slightly suspicious of her motives for contacting your manager as opposed to contacting you to ask if she can keep in touch. It makes it sound as if she wants to keep in touch with you for primarily professional reasons rather than social ones. If you feel she's basically using you for a reference or some sort of moral validation I don't think you need to go along with this.

Messaging the boss to ask if she could still be friends with the OP is odd, but it is up to the OP if she wanst to keep in contact.

I am still in touch with someone I worked with who basically didn't pass her probation period because she was lazy and had produced 3 pieces of work to my 83 pieces during the same period of time.

She was nice enough but was and still is very lazy. I made a whole new friendship group through her, and for that I am very grateful.

For goodness sake, the judgment on here sometimes. You are allowed not to like this woman even if she has been nice to you in the past. It doesn’t mean you owe her something (beyond basic politeness and courtesy)! You need to be honest with yourself, though - it sounds more than anything like you’re looking for an excuse not to be friends with her. You don’t need one, and I agree that it is none of your bosses’ business who you talk to.

She sounds like she has some mental health problems (certainly issues with impulse control), which must be very difficult and painful for her. I’ve been there. But again, you are not obliged to be friends with someone you don’t really like, or even see as a friend. If I were you I’d send short, polite replies to her texts, don’t instigate contact yourself, and maybe just let her know you don’t feel comfortable discussing work-related stuff any more.