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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit presents from MIL

58 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 16:11

So my husband has been NC with his mother for well over a year now, for good reasons that I won't go into. But she insists on sending the whole family shit presents which no one likes for birthdays and Christmas. As an example, my present last year was a jumper which was two sizes two big which was so frumpy that my own mother wouldn't wear it. For my birthday I got some cheap, disgusting perfume which gives me a headache. She has a knack for deciding on very personal gifts that really only the recipient can choose. Today another parcel of complete tat from TK Max has arrived and it's all shite. He has politely asked her to stop sending us presents but still they arrive. She will usually text me and ask if my present arrived and if I like it. I usually lie so as not to hurt her feelings. But I'm thinking she needs to stop wasting her money. WIBU to tell her the truth when she texts me about this latest gift?

OP posts:
GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/12/2021 16:13

Just be honest! I always am, kindly of course

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 10/12/2021 16:17

Can you return it in exchange for a gift card?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 16:18

Nope there are never any receipts included and it's not clear where this year's parcel of tat has come from (was only guessing at TK Max).

OP posts:
Babyvenusplant · 10/12/2021 16:19

Just say yes they came and thank you, then give them away to charity if you don't want them. It's up to her if she wants to waste her money.

LakeShoreD · 10/12/2021 16:20

If your husband is NC with her then why are you engaging with her? Ignore any messages and take the junk to the charity shop.

Kitkat151 · 10/12/2021 16:20

@Babyvenusplant

Just say yes they came and thank you, then give them away to charity if you don't want them. It's up to her if she wants to waste her money.
This
Amberflames · 10/12/2021 16:21

Just give them to charity. This really isn’t an issue if you don’t see her.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 16:21

@LakeShoreD

If your husband is NC with her then why are you engaging with her? Ignore any messages and take the junk to the charity shop.
She texts me (to try and get to him I think) and it feels rude to completely ignore her - it's against my nature.
OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 10/12/2021 16:22

If he is NC, just don't reply and give them to charity/bin.

Lushplease · 10/12/2021 16:23

Well, your dh isn't completely NC with his mother is he?
You are all receiving and accepting gifts from her. You are his wife. You are in contact.
NC would mean sending these gifts back and telling her you want no contact with her ever again.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/12/2021 16:23

Why are you largely NC? If the relationship is toxic/damaging, I would ask DH to tell her politely but firmly that you do not want to receive gifts from her at all. NC means NC for me, though. I am NC with my mother for very good reasons, and that means absolutely no interactions whatsoever.

If you are LC for whatever reasons but don't want to shut the door entirely, then I would probably not follow MN advice to "just be honest", because she's never going to see it your way, nor is she realistically going to give up on the idea that she might get it right this year, or the next etc. In her mind she isn't "wasting" her money, she's spending it on the warm feeling of knowing she's done the right thing and sent nice presents to her family. You won't dislodge that notion without causing ructions or unnecessary pain.

So decide - either it's NC, in which case it has nothing to do with whether the presents are suitable or not, she shouldn't be sending them and this should be made very clear to her once and for all. Or it's OK for her to send presents, in which case I would politely accept them, then donate them if you can't give them away to relatives or friends.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/12/2021 16:23

If your husband is NC with his mother, you really should be too. I'd be incredibly unhappy if a partner was in contact with a parent I was NC with.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/12/2021 16:23

She texts me (to try and get to him I think) and it feels rude to completely ignore her - it's against my nature.

Block her number then you won't get the message. If his relationship with his mum is so bad he is NC then you should support him.

Tal45 · 10/12/2021 16:24

The problem is if you've always told her you like the items then she has no reason to think there's a problem or do anything differently so I really don't think you can't be annoyed or angry about them. I think it would be rude to straight out tell her you hate her gifts so I'd just take them to the charity shop - who knows maybe that's where they came from in the first place!

FedUpFelicia · 10/12/2021 16:24

It sounds like you're concerned about the wrong thing here. Surely your actual issue is that you're NC than the "shit" presents? Someone will like the perfume, some people like the oversized look and it's difficult to guess people's dress sizes.

You can't be NC and complain that you don't like the presents you're getting. Either sort out the relationship and give advice about what you'd actually like or feed back that you don't want gifts. He needs to tell her that if she continues to send things they will end up in the charity shop.

Is the relationship really beyond repair?

LaBellaTrix · 10/12/2021 16:25

Donate the gifts to someone who will appreciate them and ignore MIL from now on.

HollyChristmas · 10/12/2021 16:25

Return to sender ?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 16:28

To be honest I'd rather she sent nothing and that's what he's asked her to do. He knows I respond to her messages and it doesn't bother him (I don't think) but maybe you're right that I should just block the number. I don't particularly want to communicate with her.

OP posts:
AllThatGlistensIs · 10/12/2021 16:28

I don’t understand why you’re facilitating the contact? I think it’s actually ruder that you’re not listening to your husbands wishes.

ForbiddentoForbid · 10/12/2021 16:44

If he's NC and intends to stay that way I think I'd block her.

Warblerinwinter · 10/12/2021 16:48

@LakeShoreD

If your husband is NC with her then why are you engaging with her? Ignore any messages and take the junk to the charity shop.
This.
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 16:48

Do you think his reasons aren’t enough? He’s known her far longer than you have. If he’s decided she’s a negative in his life and wants nothing to do with her then block her number.

If he’s NC neither of you should be engaging with her at all. Presents should be binned or given to charity unopened.

You’re giving her the attention she wants, reacting like she wants, she’s getting a rise out of you.

I don’t get this at all.

Be NC or don’t.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/12/2021 16:57

@chocolatesaltyballs22

To be honest I'd rather she sent nothing and that's what he's asked her to do. He knows I respond to her messages and it doesn't bother him (I don't think) but maybe you're right that I should just block the number. I don't particularly want to communicate with her.
100% block

She is manipulating you and using your niceness/passiveness to access and community indirectly with your husband against his wishes.

Block her, have no communication at all and if she sends more stuff just send it all on to charity

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/12/2021 17:01

Just block her. She’s obviously upset your dh without worrying.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 10/12/2021 17:06

As a partner of a man who is NC with his mother, I would advise for you not to engage. All presents to be returned to sender unopened. She will get the message eventually.

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