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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit presents from MIL

58 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 16:11

So my husband has been NC with his mother for well over a year now, for good reasons that I won't go into. But she insists on sending the whole family shit presents which no one likes for birthdays and Christmas. As an example, my present last year was a jumper which was two sizes two big which was so frumpy that my own mother wouldn't wear it. For my birthday I got some cheap, disgusting perfume which gives me a headache. She has a knack for deciding on very personal gifts that really only the recipient can choose. Today another parcel of complete tat from TK Max has arrived and it's all shite. He has politely asked her to stop sending us presents but still they arrive. She will usually text me and ask if my present arrived and if I like it. I usually lie so as not to hurt her feelings. But I'm thinking she needs to stop wasting her money. WIBU to tell her the truth when she texts me about this latest gift?

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 10/12/2021 17:11

Totally agree with @Totalwasteofpaper, she's using you as access to her son.

My exH, when we were still together, used to socialise with my toxic family no matter what they did to me which made me doubt myself. It undermined my perception of how dysfunctional their behaviour was. I would have broken away a lot sooner if he'd had backed me up.

I didn't say anything about it to him because I was still in FOG and couldn't articulate it. Perhaps your DH is the same.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 17:16

@Dacquoise

Totally agree with *@Totalwasteofpaper*, she's using you as access to her son.

My exH, when we were still together, used to socialise with my toxic family no matter what they did to me which made me doubt myself. It undermined my perception of how dysfunctional their behaviour was. I would have broken away a lot sooner if he'd had backed me up.

I didn't say anything about it to him because I was still in FOG and couldn't articulate it. Perhaps your DH is the same.

Ok I hadn't thought of it like that but it's a very good point. I will block and ignore.
OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 10/12/2021 17:17

Block her, return to sender.

Your DH has gone NC with her. You need to support him in that, not undermine him. Keeping contact is undermining.

She's his mother, he knows her best. Right now, she's viewing you as the weak link to get to him. Trust his assessment and decisions, and follow his lead.

Dacquoise · 10/12/2021 17:20

That's great. You really do need to be a united front as these people will find ways to wheedle back into your lives. Flowers

esloquehay · 10/12/2021 17:21

Don't be a wet lettuce, OP. She's not your Mother, she's your DH's; if he has chosen to go NC, stay out of it and maintain the boundary he has set. It doesn't matter whether it's á rebours for you to ignore her; it's not your place to be communicating with her.

Youdoyoutoday · 10/12/2021 17:23

Send them back to her

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 17:25

BTW with the jumper I don't think she was going for the oversized look. She was just insinuating that I'm a fat bastard.

OP posts:
TempNameChangexx · 10/12/2021 17:27

If he's NC with her, I think you should also be NC
She's using you to get to him

Just message her once more telling her not to send presents and that the ones she's already sent are going straight to the charity shop.

TempNameChangexx · 10/12/2021 17:27

And then block her

Ellen888 · 10/12/2021 17:31

@Fluffycloudland77

Just block her. She’s obviously upset your dh without worrying.
This

Simple Smile

Lilymossflower · 10/12/2021 17:33

Block her number and return the parcels of crap to her.

ancientgran · 10/12/2021 17:34

Find a charity for the homeless, someone will be glad of the jumper or whatever. Nicer to do it now as charities will be trying to do gifts for people who have nothing.

BoredZelda · 10/12/2021 17:53

Block her number then you won't get the message. If his relationship with his mum is so bad he is NC then you should support him.

This. Stop engaging.

TillyTopper · 10/12/2021 17:57

Why not reply saying yes thank you, all arrived safely. Take it to a charity shop/recycle it/give it away on a freegan site. Job done, no drama.

Suzanne999 · 10/12/2021 17:59

You could try a card after Christmas. “ we have decided not to have gifts in the future. If you wish please give a donation to X charity / your favourite charity. From him, me and dc” Make it look like it’s a duplicated message to everyone you know.
Take the things she’s sent to a charity shop / food bank / Salvation Army—- please don’t add them to landfill.

Maybe this is her way of trying to maintain contact/ build bridges?

stalkersaga · 10/12/2021 18:05

"It feels rude"?! You're NC with her! You're way, way past rude! She's dead to you!

Why on earth would you have any contact with her when your DH doesn't? When a parent is bad enough to be cut off completely by their child, their spouse's job is to support them in that. Not completely undermine them by having contact and making nice with her.

Put the parcels straight in the bin unopened, take them to the charity shop, or return them to sender. They aren't your problem.

Elderflower14 · 10/12/2021 18:27

Return everything she sends to you. Do not engage with her. Block.. Support your husbands decision!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 18:52

Don’t return to sender. It’s still engaging.

Block, gifts to charity or in the bin. Don’t open them and you won’t be hurt or annoyed by her actions.

tangyandsalty · 10/12/2021 18:58

I do sympathise as I have this problem with my MIL. Most of her presents come out of last years sale and she gives no thought to whether the recipient will either like or need the gift. If it's cheap, it's going in the basket. I don't care about the cost, I'd rather have some chocolate or a bottle of wine that costs next to nothing, at least I'd enjoy it.

Ghoulette · 10/12/2021 20:16

Wow, why are you engaging with this woman when you Husband has, in your own words, good reason to go NC? Not exactly supportive of you OP......

Duchess379 · 10/12/2021 22:57

'..another parcel of complete tat..'
I'm killing myself laughing 😂 My paternal nan used to do this. Buying her clothes 2 sizes too big & giving my chocolate that's out of date..

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/12/2021 23:02

@Duchess379

'..another parcel of complete tat..' I'm killing myself laughing 😂 My paternal nan used to do this. Buying her clothes 2 sizes too big & giving my chocolate that's out of date..
LOL at least I'm not alone, I mean where do they get this shit from?!
OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 10/12/2021 23:33

Another gentle reminder that to the other spouse the behaviour of not being rude and replying to a NC relationship can absolutely feel like you prioritising your own need to be seen as nice or polite over their feelings. I realise that may not be the way you mean it but Exdh did this to me.

At the time I didn't say this but it felt very much like he was more concerned with his own feelings than mine because he couldn't bear to be seen as "rude" but it was ok to undermine me because the implicationwas his feelings and etiquette were more important than my treatment fro. A nasty vindictiveand particularly unwell person. It just allowed the family member to continue painting me as the unreasonable one because Exdh was prepared to speak to them even though he fully agreed I was right to go NC. That piece of self involved behaviour from him did a lot of damage that I wasn't able to tell him at the time.

Since we divorced and he has done a lot of thinking and work on himself he has actually come back to me and apologised.

I realise you think you are being reasonable but consider who you are doing that for ? You or him?

BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 23:34

@Babyvenusplant

Just say yes they came and thank you, then give them away to charity if you don't want them. It's up to her if she wants to waste her money.
This.
CovidMakesThingsHarder · 10/12/2021 23:38

Your DH is NC, please support him in that. We’re LC and it’s hard and MIL tries to go through me, DH wants it to stop. I promise you it does bother your DH that you still reply. Blocker her number as he has as there must be a decent reason he has done this, and well done for doing that.

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