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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL

56 replies

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 12:51

Hello just looking for some advice please, we decided to tell my mother in law I was pregnant when I was 13 weeks, I originally didn't want to tell anyone ; my family included I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy without being treated differently if that makes sense, I'm a very private person and so is my partner but he wanted to tell him mum and dad and I couldn't deny him of that as it's his pregnancy too. My MIL was told that we didn't know when we were sharing the news to my family and that if she could keep it to herself until we tell her other wise from the moment she found out she would ask us every time she saw us if she could tell her sister and friends and we said we completely understand you are excited but please do not tell anyone until I let my own mother and father know, she agreed, but she still continued to ask. Fast forward to my sons birthday she phoned my partner to ask if she could tell his brother as he was at her house and he said " no mum, we have already explained this to you please respect our decision" anyways we went to her house so my little boy could get his birthday gifts and as we were leaving the house she said " tell your bother while he's here" bare in mind his bother heard this and called his mum to ask what it was about and she told him I was pregnant! I feel incredibly angry with her and upset I can't face her😞

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 10/12/2021 12:55

I'm so sorry. I was the same with telling people as I have had complications, problems found at scans etc in the past. Unfortunately I learnt the hard way that if you don't want the world and his dog to know you have to tell nobody.

Billybagpuss · 10/12/2021 12:56

I get that it’s your news to tell and people should respect your wishes, but if you want things kept a secret you should tell no one. It’s a massive ask to expect an grandma to keep quiet for what sounds like weeks.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

ShirleyPhallus · 10/12/2021 12:57

It’s quite unusual to not want to tell family beyond 12 weeks, even your own parents. I can understand your MIL’s excitement in wanting to tell people.

Ultimately, if you don’t want anyone to know then don’t tell anyone.

pinkyredrose · 10/12/2021 12:57

When were you planning to let people know?

User3638484293 · 10/12/2021 12:59

I get it's your news to tell but it's a bit weird to tell your in laws and not your family. Either tell both or none at all.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/12/2021 13:00

"Fast forward" how long? If you're now about 18 weeks or something people will notice, whether they mention it or not!

lockdownalli · 10/12/2021 13:00

Is there a reason why you don't want to tell your family? Are they toxic?

It does seem really odd to have told one set of GPs and not the other.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:02

@pinkyredrose after my 20 week scan due to complications I had in my first pregnancy

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girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 13:03

She's understandably excited and she did ask you and respected your wishes when you said no for a long time.

At some point people are going to start noticing.

I think if you didn't want anyone to know you shouldn't have told anyone.

Flowers500 · 10/12/2021 13:04

I'm suspecting there must be some back story to this? Like a history of losses and you're low contact with your family, or similar?

Otherwise I'm quite confused. It's unusual to not want your family to know, or at least to care enough about them NOT knowing that you hide it from them. If you don't want it to be a huge deal then it's easier to just tell people, especially as you have a kid already they'll be briefly excited and then pretty chill.

Other than the last 3 sentences of your post your MIL hasn't done anything wrong?? You're making a huge fuss about something that is just a part of everyday life. She clearly thinks you are acting strangely.

It sounds like your husband doesn't support you trying to cut his family out of your family life. Are you low contact with your family? Otherwise I have no idea what is going on here

Bellyups · 10/12/2021 13:04

She was wrong to do that.

It’s your pregnancy btw.

TheSnowyOwl · 10/12/2021 13:04

Yanbu and it’s the reason why I didn’t tell some people I was pregnant and it was beyond obvious considering the size of me.

Holly60 · 10/12/2021 13:04

I can see it from both points of view. I think you are not unreasonable to be annoyed but I can also see that your MIL was possibly put in a slightly awkward position. It is quite unusual to not tell close family beyond 12 weeks and she might well have got it in the neck for knowing and not saying anything to her other son when it did eventually come out.

It’s a tough one. I can completely understand why you feel upset.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 10/12/2021 13:07

You shouldn't have told her.

I think it was unfair of you to tell her and then tell her she must keep it to herself and absolutely nobody else must know.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:09

@lockdownalli she only knew for 2 weeks, sorry I think my post made it look as if it was several! We see her 3 times a week hence why I said she kept asking. I let her know she could tell people after 20 weeks scan but I would let her know if she could before hand she also knew this was due to me having a miscarriage and also a very complicated first pregnancy with my little boy, even still I know her feelings are valid and that she was excited but I can't help feeling upset about it

OP posts:

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:12

@Bellyups thank you 🥺

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GrannytoaUnicorn · 10/12/2021 13:12

Why is it top secret? Why do you dislike your family so much? I'd be devastated if my DD didn't tell me. I don't think I could come back from it

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:14

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen i do agree I shouldn't have told her if I don't want anyone knowing I still live her very much I'm just upset that's all, but I do agree with what everyone is saying

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Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:18

@GrannytoaUnicorn i don't have the best family i was in and out of foster care maybe that it part of the problem, my mother had severe mental health issues I guess I was waiting for her to be okay to tell her

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girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 13:20

@GrannytoaUnicorn

Why is it top secret? Why do you dislike your family so much? I'd be devastated if my DD didn't tell me. I don't think I could come back from it

You couldn't come back from your daughter telling you about her pregnancy when it was right for her? Wow.

PercyPiginaWig · 10/12/2021 13:21

I don't know what is so unreasonable about asking an adult to keep something to themselves, however in practice I also know that my mother would probably behave like your MIL and say she was excited and couldn't help herself. So based on that we didn't tell anyone until we were comfortable with it being public knowledge. We told a few trusted friends, the key thing being 'trusted'.

I didn't tell any family until quite late on (25 weeks) and it was not obvious. Well I hope not as I was at a party (pre covid times!) at 22 weeks and offered lots of alcohol and lines of coke and no one knew I was pregnant. Size 10-12 in case people think the others thought I might just be fat.

So YANBU to hope people would keep quiet but YABUnrealistic to think they actually will. It's a life lesson and tbh something that may well cause tension between you and DH in future if he still wants to share news with her.
PS it is not DH's pregnancy. It is his baby (presumably!) but the pregnancy is the woman's, she is the patient, he has no automatic right to be at appointments or the birth. And if he knows his mother has a big mouth he should not share with her if his wife is not happy to.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:21

@Holly60 thank you for understanding and I completely understand her feelings too I just wanted to know that I wasn't being unfair for being upset but I completely understand this is my fault

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VainAbigail · 10/12/2021 13:22

Hmmmmm….

So you didn’t want to tell your family till after 20wks, but how would you navigate something bad happening at that point? Would you never tell them?

As for your partners mum, she simply sounds excited and wants to share her excitement with people.

You sound a little restrictive and stuffy.

Also, it’s your pregnancy.

CovidMakesThingsHarder · 10/12/2021 13:22

She was absolutely in the wrong, and to force you in that manner to tell him. It’s your pregnancy, and even without your history you can wait until 20weeks if you want to.

PercyPiginaWig · 10/12/2021 13:24

@GrannytoaUnicorn

Why is it top secret? Why do you dislike your family so much? I'd be devastated if my DD didn't tell me. I don't think I could come back from it

I don't know if I could've come back from it if my mum had carried on like that. I don't dislike my family at all, I love them very much, still my choice about when to share pregnancy news, or any other news.

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