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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL

56 replies

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 12:51

Hello just looking for some advice please, we decided to tell my mother in law I was pregnant when I was 13 weeks, I originally didn't want to tell anyone ; my family included I just wanted to enjoy my pregnancy without being treated differently if that makes sense, I'm a very private person and so is my partner but he wanted to tell him mum and dad and I couldn't deny him of that as it's his pregnancy too. My MIL was told that we didn't know when we were sharing the news to my family and that if she could keep it to herself until we tell her other wise from the moment she found out she would ask us every time she saw us if she could tell her sister and friends and we said we completely understand you are excited but please do not tell anyone until I let my own mother and father know, she agreed, but she still continued to ask. Fast forward to my sons birthday she phoned my partner to ask if she could tell his brother as he was at her house and he said " no mum, we have already explained this to you please respect our decision" anyways we went to her house so my little boy could get his birthday gifts and as we were leaving the house she said " tell your bother while he's here" bare in mind his bother heard this and called his mum to ask what it was about and she told him I was pregnant! I feel incredibly angry with her and upset I can't face her😞

OP posts:

User42729209 · 10/12/2021 13:25

I think she should respect your wishes really but you are asking a lot of her. It’s a big secret to keep. If you want to be secretive about it you shouldn’t have told her either.

vonniee · 10/12/2021 13:25

YANBU. She was 100 % wrong. It’s yours and DPs pregnancy and she had no right to share the news with anyone. Having had a recent loss at 20 weeks I completely understand the reasons why you would want to keep the circle of people who knew to be very small.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 13:29

Sadly your DP has just learned something about his mother he probably won't be happy knowing.

In future you can only decide what is best for you both. And if that includes delaying telling her anything then so be it.

Happily, most mothers are't as unforgiving a @GrannytoaUnicorn seems to be.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:36

@VainAbigail I think to say I sound restrictive and stuffy is unfair! She was aware that I had a late miscarriage before hand and had a very difficult pregnancy! I completely understand she is excited and it probably was unfair to share the news with her! I wasn't telling her to be quiet out of nastiness I was overwhelmed and wasn't sure if my pregnancy was going to last she knew my concerns and was pushing us to tell people when we weren't comfortable! But like you said it was unfair for me to tell her

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/12/2021 13:37

First of all, it’s not your husband’s pregnancy too. You are the only person who is pregnant.

Secondly I don’t think you should have told her until you were willing to tell all family. You must have had some idea whether or mot she’s the type to happily keep the secret.

Finally, I do think she was very wrong to put you on the spot like that, the above notwithstanding.

1forAll74 · 10/12/2021 13:37

When I was pregnant with my two .years and years ago, I never gave it one thought about who to tell , and when, about my pregnancies. None of my family members were ever itching to know about such things, and wanting to be the first to know about a pregnancy , and then pass the message on to all and sundry.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/12/2021 13:38

I kept my second pregnant private for a long time because my eldest was found to have a heart defect at the 20 week scan, and I wanted to get past that.

So I do get how you feel. I didn’t really show at 20 weeks.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 13:40

@vonniee thank you so much for understanding, I wasn't keeping it a secret to be controlling on mean I just wasn't ready to share my news with everyone until 20 week scan but in future we will tell everyone at the same time to keep it fair, I can't help but feeling like an awful person after reading some of these reply's

OP posts:

AgentDavid · 10/12/2021 13:40

I wonder how my husband's aunt was "sorry to hear" of my miscarriage... of the pregnancy she shouldn't have known about.

Still fuming. Siblings knew, in our case, but she had no right to tell her family when we specifically said not to!! Only told her as I'd told my parents. Kept it to myself the next time.

If I have another, will probably tell my mum only. People don't have a right to know something, and when they've proved me right in my lack of trust, then they can't build it back.

godmum56 · 10/12/2021 13:45

you are not awful. you misjudged.

Holly60 · 10/12/2021 13:45

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

First of all, it’s not your husband’s pregnancy too. You are the only person who is pregnant.

Secondly I don’t think you should have told her until you were willing to tell all family. You must have had some idea whether or mot she’s the type to happily keep the secret.

Finally, I do think she was very wrong to put you on the spot like that, the above notwithstanding.

I don’t think you get to decide who this pregnancy belongs to, oh random stranger on the internet

tis probably OPs decision to make

Holly60 · 10/12/2021 13:50

[quote mumof2littlemonkeysx]@vonniee thank you so much for understanding, I wasn't keeping it a secret to be controlling on mean I just wasn't ready to share my news with everyone until 20 week scan but in future we will tell everyone at the same time to keep it fair, I can't help but feeling like an awful person after reading some of these reply's [/quote]
You aren’t an awful person at all. You put her in a privileged position of being one of the only people who knew and she didn’t appreciate this properly. Like I said I can see it from both points of view, but for what it is worth if any of my adult children told me a secret and asked me not to tell anyone, I would absolutely respect that and keep it to myself. That is why they all trust me and why I am often confided in.

I hope you can come to terms with this and accept that she wasn’t doing it out of spite. She was wrong but she wasn’t trying to hurt you or be mean. Humans are fallible so I think we have to try to see the good when we can.

All the best with everything going forward

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 10/12/2021 14:01

@GrannytoaUnicorn you don't understand why it was top secret? I take it you've never has a miscarriage or issues with a pregnancy. Even if you've not, you can surely understand why some people have reasons for wanting to keep it quiet until they know everything is ok, no?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 10/12/2021 14:03

OP, she was out of order and I'd be making sure from now on that she wasn't involved in any firsts and I'd be telling her exactly why.

Tal45 · 10/12/2021 14:10

I'm confused. First you say you told your MIL at 13 weeks, then you say it was only 2 weeks before your 20 week scan - so which is it?

girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 14:12

@Tal45

I'm confused. First you say you told your MIL at 13 weeks, then you say it was only 2 weeks before your 20 week scan - so which is it?

No she's saying she only knew for two weeks before the brother incident. They were expecting her to keep it a secret for 7, I think.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 14:19

@Tal45 I told my mother in law when I was 13 weeks she knew for 2 weeks before she told my partners brother, she agreed to keep it to herself until after my 20 week scan! sorry if I didn't make that clear it's a lot of information i may not have been clear with how I was putting it

OP posts:

EarlGreywithLemon · 10/12/2021 14:25

YANBU You decide when you tell whom.
For all it's worth we had to tell PILs early for a number of reasons, and they did absolutely keep it secret, from everyone, including BIL. There was no pressure, no fuss, no questions asked, until we told them we were OK to tell.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 10/12/2021 14:26

Can I just make it clear to everyone because I think people have got my reasoning mixed up! I completely understand I shouldn't have put MIL in that situation! But we explained to her when we told her that I wasn't telling anyone else till I was 20 weeks due to late miscarriage and complications in my first pregnancy and if If she could do the same she agreed! I feel she shouldn't of agreed if she felt she couldn't kept quiet or she should have voiced her opinion if she felt it was unfair, instead she pressured and tried to push us to tell people even thought she knew our concerns and agreed to keep it to herself

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 10/12/2021 14:34

You don't need to clarify. You first post was clear enough and the 2nd clarified the time span. No puzzle there.

Don't keep on thinking about it. You did nothing wrong. Your OH will have to rethink his relationship with his mum and that can only be to her detriment - her fault caused by her actions..

All you need to is remember that she caused unecessary fuss and stress after all she knows about you, what you said and what her own son requested. You did nothing wrong at all.

This is done and dusted. She revealed herself to be too selfish to consider the ramifications. Now concentrate on your pregnancy, your family.

DixonD · 10/12/2021 14:39

It’s not his pregnancy OP. You’re the only one who’s pregnant. Your partner is expecting a baby too, but you’re the one who’s pregnant!!!!

Elisemum · 10/12/2021 14:40

God some of these comments are so stupid! You obviously didn’t want to tell for your own reasons- it’s nobody’s business! Why some people even judge this is beyond me. You didn’t want to tell- end of story.
I understand your MIL but she had absolutely no right to keep asking you and do what she did.
Zero class. It is your pregnancy and you should tell people when you see fit.
With my 2 pregnancies I told my mum and my In laws at 7 weeks and urged them not to tell anyone until my 12 weeks scan. They were both very serious about it and kept their promise even though obviously they were super excited too.

oopsadaisee · 10/12/2021 14:43

Yes she’s excited but she’s a grown woman and should be able to keep a secret if asked to. She’s not a 5 year old who’s been told Santa is coming at 5pm and shhh don’t tell anyone! I can understand why you’re upset OP, I would also find it difficult facing her.

Also a bit hypocritical people are emphasising that it’s YOUR pregnancy but then in the same breath saying why are you trying to be controlling of YOUR pregnancy.

cstaff · 10/12/2021 15:02

All she has done by her behaviour is to make sure that you wont confide in her about anything ever again. She has lost any trust you may have had in her - and that is all her own doing. Silly woman.

Kite22 · 10/12/2021 15:04

Of course, all the first replies are answering your opening post, without the information you added later.

I think it was unfair to tell her such exciting news but then to ask her not to tell anyone else for another 7 weeks+
As a perspective Grandma, I'd rather not know.

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