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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my IL's really mean

82 replies

nametaken · 18/12/2007 11:54

I've just opened a xmas card from IL's and inside was a cheque for the grand total of £36 for 3 children.

My IL's are well off pensioners retired in France. My mum is on her own on benefits living in social housing and she spends £100 per child per occasion.

AIBU to expect IL's to spend more - or is this the difference between middle class GPs and working class ones?

OP posts:
spokette · 18/12/2007 12:56

Especially when they are on benefits or low income.

mumeeee · 18/12/2007 15:38

YABU. £36 for 3 chikdren sounds fine to me.That is £12 each and you can get some reasonable things for that.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 18/12/2007 15:44

YABU
I spend closer to £12 per child than £100 per child on my own children.

cherryredretrochick · 18/12/2007 15:48

Don't know what to say on this one without being jumped on. My parents spend 100 each om all their grandchildren, because neither my brother nor me have a lot of money that gets most of their stocking presents etc. I spend about 20each and the IL spend about 50 each, I know it is far too much, but they are the only children on ILs side of the family and they enjoy buying things as they don't get to see them very often. I know money does not make up for time but if everyone is happy then it is fine. I would be more annoyed that they had not sent a present or asked me to get a present before xmas.

Tommy · 18/12/2007 15:52

my Mum spends about that much on her (13) grandchildren. I think it is about right TBH.

If your Mum is on benefits, how can she afford £100 each?
Also, what does she buy?

Sidge · 18/12/2007 15:58

Sorry but YABU.

£12 per child is perfectly reasonable in my opinion. OK a present in the post might be better than money but if they live in France they might not know what your children have already and don't want to risk duplicating presents/getting it wrong.

You need to stop comparing the grandparents based on how much they shell out.

lucyellensmum · 18/12/2007 16:06

My mum is a pensioner, she also has some health issues so she appears to do OK benefit wise. Why shouldnt she, my father worked every day of his adult life until he retired, i dont recall him EVER having time off work and my mum worked too.

My mum always spends way to much at xmas - she bought some presents for DD2 which came to about £70 and has just informed me that she will give me the rest of the money to buy her clothes as i have said she doesnt need anymore presents. My DD1 is 17 so i guess you could have an open ended limit to what she "needs" but my mum will spend equally. I am an only child and my children are her only grand children and it makes her happy to indulge them. Thank god she can, as this year we are a bit broke (well more than a bit) so we have spent next to nothing. Its all good though, got some absolute BARGAINS in the charity shop - i think i may have converted DP at last.

My inlaws dont spend as much on DDs. Usually about £20-£30, but they have a family that seems to be growing exponentially at the moment!! 7 GC and two GGC!!! That is more than enough. I do think they have a particular lad who they spend more on, but they were particularly close to him and i think they are also over compensating because he doesnt live with his Dad (their son). That doesnt bother me, i think what they spend is actually the more appropriate amount of money if im honest.

I dont think the OPs inlaws are mean per se, it depends on the relationship, however i always prefer presents to cash.

moondog · 18/12/2007 16:07

My parents are loaded.
They also spend about this much on each child.
I am perfectly happy with it.
It's not and never has been about the actual sum involved.

SpawnChorus · 18/12/2007 16:12

£100 per child is a ludicrous amount of money to spend per child if you're on benefits. Not really what benefits are intended for either.

I think YABVU, materialistic and ungrateful.

helenhismadwife · 18/12/2007 16:15

£100 is excessive, so your mum spends £600 a year on your children for christmas and birthdays and she is on benefits!! thats madness. I dont spend that much on my children for christmas and birthdays and I have 6 children and we are lucky to have a good income.

As for the IL's it may not be loads but you can still easily get a nice present from them for your dc

anniemac · 18/12/2007 16:22

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tallulah · 18/12/2007 16:24

The only gripe I would have with this were I in your situation would be receiving a cheque today. Even if you managed to pay it in today it wouldn't clear until the weekend and I wouldn't want to be shopping this weekend.

However £12 is a perfectly reasonable amount per child.

stillaslowreader · 18/12/2007 16:24

Our PIL have spent £18 on 2- football and dvd. I think that's fine.

anniemac · 18/12/2007 16:24

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professorplum · 18/12/2007 16:27

Are you serious? My mother and my ILs are very well off and usually spend £10-£20 per child. I wouldn't be very happy if they were spending anywhere near £100.

gorgeousfeebie · 18/12/2007 16:28

How very selfish of you to think like that its the thought that counts & it seems you may have forgotten the real meaning of christmas. Is it just all about material things???????

Original poster
nametaken · 18/12/2007 17:22

hi guys and thanks for your opinions - I don't have many people to talk to being a SAHM so I'm grateful to have someone to bounce ideas off and you lot certainly don't mince your words!!!!!!!!!!

I agree it was ungrateful and in hindsight, £12 is reasonable - you can't all be in the wrong and me in the right so it must be.

By the way, when I said my mum was on benefits, I mean she's on a state pension not benefits, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 18/12/2007 17:24

YABU to say its mean, YWNBU to say its a bit late to send a cheque for you to purchase presents.

People have different views on xmas spending, MIL gives me £100 to spend on DS's presents and then she wraps them. She usually does this quite early in November so that I can pick what to get from her and what we are getting DS.

Now FIL spends far less but I dont think he's mean for doing so, just that MIL has disposable cash and believes children should only have new toys at xmas (as opposed to new toys throughout the year) so she likes to spoil him then. FIL would buy a treat for DS just because he wants to - everybody differs.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 18/12/2007 17:26

Maybe they sent money as they weren't sure what to get? TBH I think £100 for a Grand child is a bit much but that is just my opinion.

LowFat · 18/12/2007 17:31

Christmas is a tense time for gift giving and receiving, everyone is different and you must respect them and put your own feelings away.

My SIL tells me she has spent £50 per child (she has 14 to by for) in cluding my 2. I could only manager £30 for her two. But when the bag full of gifts came through the door, one each for my DC's at 3.5ft a bag, it defo looked more. On the other hand my little gifts is clothes and holiday stuff as asked for because they are on a winter sun break.

I had to phne her and call her in a good natured way a mad woman and tell her our gift were tiny by compariosn, which she is fine with.

By contrast my MIL gave my DC's Easter cards for Christmas and spent £7.99 on a toy lorry for her GS 1st birthday. Then goes on to say where she was only spending £50 per child made up of a gift and money she is now going all out for gifts.....Heaven help us!

discoverlife · 18/12/2007 17:33

I'm going against the grain here. I think they are being mean. If they have 10 grandchildren OK I agree, but £12 each is still mean but it still only adds up to £120 for a gaggle of kids.
Its a Grandparents perogative to spoil their grandchildren and having a go at the OP because the other grandparent wants to spend so much is not the reason for the post. My Mum gave me £100 to get my youngest what he needs/wants, as she is in Spain over Xmas. She has also sent a handful of tags to add to the parcels when they are wrapped. The two eldest who are working each received a cheque for £50 each. If she couldn't afford it I would blow my top at her for spending so much, but she can afford it and it helps to make the little one Christmas.
As for being invested in property, the grandkids wont see any of it, the nursing homes will.

pagwatch · 18/12/2007 17:35

£100 is well over the top for GC in my opinion.
I would actually be quite angry with my mum if she spent that much.
A decent prezzie for a child who is not a DC is surely the price of a nice book or a CD or a game. i spend average of £15-20 on my nephews and nieces ( although I do have 24 of them ) and I wouldn't increase that amount although I probably could.

muppetgirl · 18/12/2007 17:42

I used to get a check from my grandmother every birthday -as did my brothers- for £6. It was always explained

'That's £4 from your grandad and £2 from me'

My brother was working and she still sent her cheque for £6.

What made us all really giggle was trying to work out what she hadn;t filled in this time - her name, the amount or she'd not signed it...

I think that the fact your IL's have bothered at all is something to be grateful for but you really must adress your mothers' over the top spending as you've admited yourself that she can't afford it. Love is giving time, effort, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. That costs nothing.

pinetreedog · 18/12/2007 17:43

I think there is some truth in op's mention of less well-off people blowing out more at Christmas.

Original poster
nametaken · 18/12/2007 17:43

As for being invested in property, the grandkids wont see any of it, the nursing homes will.

Amen to that, discoverlife - coz I sure ain't looking after em.

OP posts: