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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Funeral of baby

76 replies

Mam2highspiritedchild · 09/12/2021 19:56

Hi all, we attended the funeral of our close baby relative. It was a devastating day for me and my family. My husband didn’t seem to be too upset. My problem is that he works from home so morning of the funeral he worked an hour before we left while I got kids readyi, booked 3 hours for the funeral mass etc and was back to work by lunchtime. I asked him to take the full day to which he is entitled to and he refused. I’m minding our kids too. I was just drained after the funeral and I just wanted someone with me. I had no one cos he decided to go back to work leaving me with the children. It’s not life or death either, it could have waited. AIBU to be really, really furious at him? Cos I am. He chose his stupid job over me needing him because he said he’s only new in the job & can’t be taking days off. He also didn’t want to take a day off when our daughter was in the hospital because of work and what they might think.

OP posts:

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 19:58

Based on what you have said I don't think YABU and I'm really sorry for your loss .

Original poster

Mam2highspiritedchild · 09/12/2021 20:07

Thank you

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 09/12/2021 20:10

I think his reasons for not wanting to take full days off from the new job are valid, less iso when your daughter was in hospital but did it need both of you there?
You also can’t make someone mourn the loss in the way you want them to.

Orangeandblueball · 09/12/2021 20:10

I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like this baby was very close to you and I’m really sorry for your loss.

bozzabollix · 09/12/2021 20:12

Also very sorry for your loss, it’s so very sad.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 09/12/2021 20:13

Maybe he felt helpless and providing for his family in a practical way made sense...
When I had Covid my dh went to work as his logic said earn money while I couldn't..
*Worked away and stayed away not a risk!

LabStan · 09/12/2021 20:13

Currently in hospital with DS... DH has new job too so he's been unable to be too involved. Also unable to WFH as much as learning a new job.
Also only 1 parent allowed on hospital at the moment !

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 09/12/2021 20:17

I wouldn't have expected or asked DH to have the whole day off in either circumstance. If our child had been in hospital he'd have had to do the school runs for our other child, and I'd expect us to take turns being at the hospital if possible (like we do with all child sickness). For a funeral, I wouldn't have (and previously haven't) taken the children because I know I wouldn't manage well looking after them, if I'd have had no choice then I may have asked DH to take the day but would understand in your DHs circumstances why he couldn't.

Suzanne999 · 09/12/2021 20:18

I’m sorry for your family’s loss. I can understand how hard the funeral of a baby was for you, I’d have felt the same.
Men compartmentalise their emotions. Working before the funeral concentrated his mind on something other than the funeral. Returning to work afterwards meant he didn’t have to revisit any emotions, or empathise with yours. It’s a coping mechanism and we all have different ones.
Could you try sitting down with him after your children are asleep and talk over how you feel?

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2021 20:19

I think sometimes men deal with grief by immersing themselves in work. My DH went back to work a week after our DD was killed. It was his way of coping whereas my way of coping was to immerse myself in family and making sure my younger DD was okay. Neither ways were wrong. I am very sorry for your loss.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 20:20

I think you're being a little unfair towards your dh, it is tricky to take time off for a funeral, and we all grieve differently.

I understand why your anger is aimed towards your dh though, sometimes things are so out of control we find a tangible thing to get upset about so we have someone to vent at.

Sorry for your families loss op

AliveAndSleeping · 09/12/2021 20:21

I'm so sorry for your loss!!

I can only imagine how upsetting this funeral must have been and you needed his support there. I'm sorry you didn't get it. I guess there's a possibility that either 1. He didn't realise how much his presence would have helped you or 2. He genuinely couldn't take the day off because he's too vulnerable in his job at the moment. I guess the only thing you can do is to talk to him about it (if you haven't done so already) so you both know next time how to support each other in difficult situations and how to ask for support (assuming he wants to be supportive. If not you've got bigger problems).

Huge hugs. Be good to yourself!!

User42729209 · 09/12/2021 20:22

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your husband should have been there for you

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 20:27

I am sorry you feel you aren't getting the support you need at this time.

If I am honest though, my mum passed last week. I had one full day off. Concentrating on work is keeping my head above water. I am wfh so can do it in bits. I am utterly devastated but I need something else to do than to think about it.

I think he should have been ensuring he was checking in you. But also some of us, can't really cope with situations that well and work is a welcomed distraction.

That said, I think I would be more likey to take more time off of dp needed me, especially since you have kids. Grief really is exhausting.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 20:31

I do wonder how many of the people who have posted on the thread so far have ever attended a young child's funeral.

I have.

That was in 1995 and close friend not family. It still utterly traumatic to remember.

This is a completely out of the ordinary, traumatic situation not an "oh well, best earn some bucks" kind of situation.

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 20:33

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

A baby died.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 20:33

@callygoballistic

I do wonder how many of the people who have posted on the thread so far have ever attended a young child's funeral.

I have.

That was in 1995 and close friend not family. It still utterly traumatic to remember.

This is a completely out of the ordinary, traumatic situation not an "oh well, best earn some bucks" kind of situation.

I have, my sons funeral and then my daughters funeral 9 years later. I don't need an explanation of what it was like thanks.

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 20:35

ABCeasyasdohrayme

I'm sorry for your losses. I wasn't referring to you I was referring to posts like the one above about the admin of taking time of work for various events.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 09/12/2021 20:35

YANBU to feel how you do. But perhaps for him, staying busy is his way of coping? However, you did directly ask him to be there for you, so in that case I think he could have taken the day off.
I am sorry for your loss.

Kshhuxnxk · 09/12/2021 20:36

Such a sad loss, condolences OP.

Unfortunately people don't all grieve or cope the same way so although it seems off to me if it's his way of coping then there's nothing anyone can say or do that will make him react the way you want him to.

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 20:36

@callygoballistic

I do wonder how many of the people who have posted on the thread so far have ever attended a young child's funeral.

I have.

That was in 1995 and close friend not family. It still utterly traumatic to remember.

This is a completely out of the ordinary, traumatic situation not an "oh well, best earn some bucks" kind of situation.

I have. And I stand by my post.

I really wish people wouldn't assume people who have a certain point of view, must just not be experienced in the situation

Emerald5hamrock · 09/12/2021 20:38

He should have made the effort to be there for the DC allowing you the space to be with the rest of the family.

Rrrob · 09/12/2021 20:39

Dd1’s funeral was in 2019. I remember multiple people leaving to go back to work afterwards and found it a bit odd but equally didn’t care. People do grieve differently but it seems it’s a bigger thing of him working when you need his support.

Hont1986 · 09/12/2021 20:39

I voted YABU and I have attended a child's funeral.

Not everyone works in nice, secure jobs with understanding bosses, and taking a day off because your wife feels drained and wants someone with her after a relative's funeral might be frowned on. Especially if he is new in the job and in any sort of probationary period then he has to consider these things.

HeyFloof · 09/12/2021 20:41

@callygoballistic

I do wonder how many of the people who have posted on the thread so far have ever attended a young child's funeral.

I have.

That was in 1995 and close friend not family. It still utterly traumatic to remember.

This is a completely out of the ordinary, traumatic situation not an "oh well, best earn some bucks" kind of situation.

Baby DS2 died last year, we fell apart, but had to keep going. His funeral was probably one of the worst days of my life. But at 3:15 I went and picked up our 3yo from school as usual with a smile on my face.

Baby dd1 died on Friday, I worked normally the week before, knowing that we were going to lose her. Dropped my DS1 off at school and went to have her. And have carried on as normal since. It's horrible, but neither of us are processing the loss well, so are ignoring it.

I don't think you can ever know how you'll react to grief.

OP, I am so so sorry for your family's loss. It sounds like you absolutely needed your DHs support, he should have heard that and been there for you.

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