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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Funeral of baby

76 replies

Mam2highspiritedchild · 09/12/2021 19:56

Hi all, we attended the funeral of our close baby relative. It was a devastating day for me and my family. My husband didn’t seem to be too upset. My problem is that he works from home so morning of the funeral he worked an hour before we left while I got kids readyi, booked 3 hours for the funeral mass etc and was back to work by lunchtime. I asked him to take the full day to which he is entitled to and he refused. I’m minding our kids too. I was just drained after the funeral and I just wanted someone with me. I had no one cos he decided to go back to work leaving me with the children. It’s not life or death either, it could have waited. AIBU to be really, really furious at him? Cos I am. He chose his stupid job over me needing him because he said he’s only new in the job & can’t be taking days off. He also didn’t want to take a day off when our daughter was in the hospital because of work and what they might think.

OP posts:

Mumwithbaggage · 09/12/2021 21:43

I've been to my own baby's funeral. The one thing I learnt from finding out at 20 weeks that one of my twins would die of a heart issue was that you can't tell anyone else how to react and people deal with things their own way.

I imagine your dh is concerned about livelihood.

I've learnt not to judge. We all grieve in different ways.

HoppingPavlova · 09/12/2021 21:45

Another YABU, and yes have attended funerals for babies, a young child and older children (other children not my own). I wouldn’t take the whole day myself and wouldn’t expect DH or my working kids to either. Life doesn’t stop, doesn’t mean you don’t grieve and are not sad but you need to get on with things. If the parents of the baby/child were our best friends and wanted us to be there after then we would but otherwise, back to work.

Midlifemusings · 09/12/2021 21:50

I think I am more like OPs DH too. I find funerals pretty emotionally draining and I don't know if I would have it in me to then need to be someone else's emotional support for the rest of the day. I too prefer to go back to something productive versus sitting around crying and talking and grieving emotionally and needing support. Support for me happens more organically - I would find it hard if DH said to stop working and emotionally support him for the next 5 hours etc. That would feel overwhelming to me.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2021 21:52

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I think different people deal with stuff differently. Perhaps he couldn't face a day sitting around the house talking about the baby and the funeral and how sad you both feel. There's nothing wrong with doing that, there's nothing wrong with not doing it either. Sounds like he was home though so if you'd got too upset he could have stepped in.

Re daughter in hospital, it really does depend on what she was in for. Did i object to DH working whilst DS was in hospital? No cos it was month and it didn't need us both there. But he was there for every operation

JumparooSavedMyLife · 09/12/2021 21:59

Hmm I sort of get where you are coming from but then again my husband worked right up until I went to hospital to give birth (id been in labour for 12+ hours in the other room) and I worked last week whilst our 3 year old was in hospital (I haven't long since returned from mat leave). You can't just take time off, as sad as it is unless it's immediate family many employers wouldn't be impressed, doesn't look great if new to a job, I know that sounds awful but it's true.

mellicauli · 09/12/2021 22:10

Being in a new job is a vulnerable time - they can sack you for nothing. Literally no reason. And he does need to keep his job.

He probably finds it upsetting too and it is easy to lose yourself in your job and ignore what's happening out there.

Have you got a sympathetic friend you can lean on?

FelinaDaHousecat · 09/12/2021 22:14

I am so sorry to read this. Terrible because of a baby's death but also sad to read about your husband's reaction and lack of support.

I think your husband has failed you emotionally when you needed him. I would be furious too.

I am not sure if you work, but also the fact that it's a given that he can keep on working whilst you get the kids ready and, again, that he works whilst you are on hospital duty would really annoy me.

Work can often be used as an excuse to disengage from other tasks emotions, especially difficult ones.

FelinaDaHousecat · 09/12/2021 22:17

Also what kind of dickensian job would fire somebody new because they have taken a day off to go to the funeral of their baby close relative? I actually challenge this.

I may well be in a privileged position in my professional life but I would not work for a company which treated me like that.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 22:19

@FelinaDaHousecat

Also what kind of dickensian job would fire somebody new because they have taken a day off to go to the funeral of their baby close relative? I actually challenge this.

I may well be in a privileged position in my professional life but I would not work for a company which treated me like that.

My ex husband was given 3 days off for the death of our daughter.

Skyll · 09/12/2021 22:20

But the baby might not have been a close relative of the op’s DH? If it was from her family?

I would get a week for the death of a parent, but only two days for an in law, for example.

FelinaDaHousecat · 09/12/2021 22:21

I am sorry for your loss.

I gather this (the 3 days off) was either not in the UK or before the parent bereavement act of 2018?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 22:24

@FelinaDaHousecat

I am sorry for your loss.

I gather this (the 3 days off) was either not in the UK or before the parent bereavement act of 2018?

In the UK in 2007.

His 2 weeks parental leave was taken up while she was alive in hospital, he was then given 3 extra days, one for the funeral, one for the paperwork and arrangements to be dealt with and one just to grieve.

FelinaDaHousecat · 09/12/2021 22:27

Again, I am so so sorry for your loss.

I hope your husband never did even one second of unpaid overtime or going not the extra mile, but not even the extra inch, for his employer if that was the kind of goodwill they showed to him in tragic circumstances. Marley& Scrooge indeed.

Original poster

Mam2highspiritedchild · 09/12/2021 22:31

Thank you @Suzanne999 really helpful & we did talk. Much better now. I’m really unsure of what’s reasonable & what’s not.

OP posts:

Uninterested · 09/12/2021 22:31

OP, I’m so sorry about your loss.

One thing that Mumsnet has taught me is how differently everyone deals with the death of a loved one. I had a mid term miscarriage and I went back to work a week later. I didn’t do it to be strong (or competitive 🙄) I did it because that was the best thing for me to do. I was sad obviously but I can honestly say I wasn’t anywhere as distressed as many Mumsnetters are when they’ve had miscarriages. I saw it as a failed pregnancy rather than losing a baby. It’s feels like it was a very different experience to how some other Mumsnetters have felt when they’ve miscarried. I’ve read numerous accounts of people having 6 months or more of work and being inconsolable.

People need to be confident to do what suits them and not what other people expect of them.
I get that the OP would like her husband not to have worked but how would that play out in real life.

Starcup · 09/12/2021 22:38

What a difficult situation, sorry to hear about this sad loss. I don’t think you’re BU but I do think men handle things differently.

Obviously we don’t know the situation, but if for example it was his 10 month old baby nephew that he was close to and spent time with (and could see how broken his brother was at the loss) I suspect that would be more traumatic for him, than if it was someone from your side, that he didn’t really know that lost a baby that was still born.

Any time I hear if a child’s death, I fill up. A baby died near where I live and I didn’t know them or their parents, but I cried when I seen the route the router they were taking, I would have been balling my eyes out at the funeral. I just find it so tragic but some people aren’t as emotional

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/12/2021 22:41

Did you take your children to the funeral?

justaddcandlelight · 09/12/2021 22:42

I think even if he doesn't mourn the loss of the baby as you do, he should be emotionally intelligent enough to know that you have been affected by it and that you need support, so yanbu. I'm
Sorry that this is something you've had to go through.

StoneofDestiny · 09/12/2021 22:42

Some horrendous stories on here about losing a child and grieving for them. No experience of this. I do recognise that men and woman can often show their emotions differently and maybe your husband having just started a new job felt pressured to be there, even though you needed him.

Maybe find time this weekend to 'find space' to deal with your sadness in your own way.

StellaGibson118 · 09/12/2021 22:59

I dont think either of you are unreasonable really. I understand both sides. I'm sorry for your loss. You mentioning DH didn't seem too upset suggests you think he didn't care and that's why he went to work. It might well have been the opposite.

sarralim · 09/12/2021 23:29

I really can't understand so many of the responses, you've received, Mam2highspiritedchild I. just.can't. It's the least you should be able to expect from your life partner, that he honours your request on such a devastating day. The absolute minimum. Losing a baby in the family, and then having to attend the funeral... I can't think of anything more harrowing.

The posters here who haven't even said sorry for your loss - instead they're talking about completely unrelated experiences, or that no one way of grieving trumps another. It's like people are lobotomised.

Look. Your request was the bare minimum to ask of a loving partner. No. You're not harsh on your husband. No, no, no.

I'm so sorry! And I'm sending all the love and thoughts in the world your way...

tootootaataa · 10/12/2021 05:24

@HeyFloof I am so sorry for your losses

Roselilly36 · 10/12/2021 06:50

@honeylulu

A lot of men are actually useless with emotional support because they can't see what needs "doing" or for how long etc. My husband is rubbish at it and I've given up expecting it. If i said I wanted some tangible, practical support like him cooking or collecting children he'd leap to do it though. I'm not much of a crier but in the very odd occasion I have been obviously upset he sort of freezes with terror.

Our middle child was stillborn late in the second trimester (we had known for a few days that was going to happen). I had a long stop and start labour and he did come and visit but I was content for him to go home again because it was better than him sitting around sighing and not knowing what to say. On the day of the funeral we went to the service, came home, had a glass of wine and then he went to an appointment with his financial adviser. Having a mope on my own was what I felt like doing. If he'd hung around I expect I world have started to be annoyed at his uselessness.

By very sad coincidence the financial adviser and his wife had a stillborn baby a couple of years later. The next time he came to our house and we expressed our condolences and he burst into tears and told us all about it. (He's Italian which may be relevant.) I did the consoling while H busied himself making coffee and biscuits (with a frozen in terror face). People are different!

In the early years I did feel aggrieved that H wasn't much of a comforter but I've learnt not to expect it and manage in my own way. More recently I've wondered what I'd actually wanted from him and to be honest I'm not sure I could explain.

I totally get what you mean, DH is exactly like this! He genuinely doesn’t know what to do if I cry, when our DS2 was having a minor surgery he was so terrified he couldn’t even talk to me at all, we sat in the waiting room in silence! He apologised a few days later, on that occasion. He cares deeply but can’t always show it. But yes cook a meal, make tea, pour a glass of wine, he’s there like a shot!

HeyFloof · 10/12/2021 16:04

@FelinaDaHousecat

Also what kind of dickensian job would fire somebody new because they have taken a day off to go to the funeral of their baby close relative? I actually challenge this.

I may well be in a privileged position in my professional life but I would not work for a company which treated me like that.

My dh had to fight to get the day off to be with me to find out just how poorly our son was. Then when we knew he was going to be born and die shortly after, they generously granted him the use of 4 of his own holiday days "when short term requests wouldn't usually be honoured".

EightWheelGirl · 13/12/2021 22:10

I've always thought it odd that you can relatively easily get signed off for a month for stress but aren't legally entitled to any time off if your husband suddenly dies in a car crash. The standard used by most companies seems to be 3-5 days, but honestly I can't see most people straight back in to client visits etc less than a week later.

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