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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Funeral of baby

76 replies

Mam2highspiritedchild · 09/12/2021 19:56

Hi all, we attended the funeral of our close baby relative. It was a devastating day for me and my family. My husband didn’t seem to be too upset. My problem is that he works from home so morning of the funeral he worked an hour before we left while I got kids readyi, booked 3 hours for the funeral mass etc and was back to work by lunchtime. I asked him to take the full day to which he is entitled to and he refused. I’m minding our kids too. I was just drained after the funeral and I just wanted someone with me. I had no one cos he decided to go back to work leaving me with the children. It’s not life or death either, it could have waited. AIBU to be really, really furious at him? Cos I am. He chose his stupid job over me needing him because he said he’s only new in the job & can’t be taking days off. He also didn’t want to take a day off when our daughter was in the hospital because of work and what they might think.

OP posts:

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 20:41

@Hont1986

I voted YABU and I have attended a child's funeral.

Not everyone works in nice, secure jobs with understanding bosses, and taking a day off because your wife feels drained and wants someone with her after a relative's funeral might be frowned on. Especially if he is new in the job and in any sort of probationary period then he has to consider these things.

" I asked him to take the full day to which he is entitled to and he refused."

I can only go on what the OP posted not on assuming the husband doesn't have a secure job or an understanding boss. She said he was entitled to book off the whole day, but didn't.

EightWheelGirl · 09/12/2021 20:42

Bills still need to be paid.

Aquafizzle · 09/12/2021 20:42

I'm so sorry - that sounds like such a terribly sad and difficult day. I can't imagine a baby's funeral and how you must have felt. Yes he should have taken the time he was entitled to in order to support you.

This is what partners should do for each other - isn't that the whole point?

Aquafizzle · 09/12/2021 20:43

@EightWheelGirl

Bills still need to be paid.

She said he was entitled to take the day which suggests he would have been paid.

Practicebeingpatient · 09/12/2021 20:44

I feel sorry for him. I'm sure the funeral was tough on him too but the need to perform well in his new job meant he felt (rightly or wrongly) that he had to go straight back to work . My own DH has done similar in the past, not because he is unkind or selfish but because he is acutely aware of how dependent we are on him financially. That can be a lot of pressure for the major earner in a family.

I get you are upset OP and I am very sorry for your loss but it's unfair to call his job 'stupid'. It's not as if he left you to play golf or go drinking with his mates.

LetHimHaveIt · 09/12/2021 20:45

I'm very, very sorry for your loss - but I'm afraid I think YABU.

My best friend, with whom I lived, lost her child in a car accident before she was even a year old. There was also a lot of animus between the two families (i.e my friend and her ex, the child's father) which made everything even worse. It remains the worst time of my life.

My boyfriend simply wasn't able to come to the funeral, and I understood that. Your husband was there. I don't think he needed to take the whole day.

Darkpheonix · 09/12/2021 20:46

@Aquafizzle not always. Lots of places will authorise unpaid leave for a funeral. Only paid for very close family.

As this isn't ops child, the closest the child would be would be niece or nephew. I have worked plenty of places, that would authorise that as an unpaid day.

Entitlement doesn't always mean paid entitlement, unfortunately.

CinnabarRed · 09/12/2021 20:47

How new is his job?

There’s a difference in some places between what you’re entitled to, and what you can actually do without disapproval. There shouldn’t be, but there is.

Twoweekcruise · 09/12/2021 20:47

The funeral of a child is so, so hard on our emotions it is not something many of us will ever have the misfortune of attending and thankfully most people don’t. My dh lost his 4 year old niece, her death and the funeral was the most awful thing I have ever witnessed and still is to date. 10 years on it haunts me and always will, our dc were the same age. DH was very much like yours and just got on with it and then immerse himself in work, he still doesn’t talk much about her whilst I will think of her often. I think it’s just how some people try to cope with the enormity a situation like this.
So very sorry for your loss

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 21:07

HeyFloof Thank you for sharing your experiences and I'm sorry for your losses

LuluBlakey1 · 09/12/2021 21:09

OP- not everyone reacts the same way to traumatic situations. You have already said your husband doesn't react the way you do - when your daughter was in hospital for instance. I am more like your husband - when my mam died I went back to work 24 hours later and worked until her funeral then had a week off to sort out her flat.
DH was really worried about me but it was how I coped. Funerals are not traumatic for me - sad but not traumatic. I intend not to have one myself. I have been to a child's funeral - DH's godson who died of cancer at 10. It was sad and very moving but I was not traumatised by it and drove us home from Leeds an hour or so later. DH could not have driven.
People are different and you can't make your DH into someone he isn't. He may be coping well or this normality may be his way of coping.

steff13 · 09/12/2021 21:10

I have been to a baby's funeral. It's horrible.

We all grieve differently. If he needed to work to help him, I can't think he's wrong for that. You're not wrong to want him to spend the day with you, but you are unreasonable to be furious with him. How he deals with things is not wrong, and your grief doesn't trump his.

Also, I don't know what his job situation is, so I don't know if his concerns regarding his job are valid. I assume they are, because he knows better than I do.

Orangeandblueball · 09/12/2021 21:11

@LuluBlakey1

OP- not everyone reacts the same way to traumatic situations. You have already said your husband doesn't react the way you do - when your daughter was in hospital for instance. I am more like your husband - when my mam died I went back to work 24 hours later and worked until her funeral then had a week off to sort out her flat. DH was really worried about me but it was how I coped. Funerals are not traumatic for me - sad but not traumatic. I intend not to have one myself. I have been to a child's funeral - DH's godson who died of cancer at 10. It was sad and very moving but I was not traumatised by it and drove us home from Leeds an hour or so later. DH could not have driven. People are different and you can't make your DH into someone he isn't. He may be coping well or this normality may be his way of coping.

Your post is oddly competitive, like you’re trying to show how strong you are.

anyway, the OP’s post was les about her husband’s upset (or lack of) and more about how she felt she needed his support because she was upset, and he let her down. He also let her down when their own child was in hospital.

Shufflebumnessie · 09/12/2021 21:11

I am so sorry to read of your families loss

LuluBlakey1 · 09/12/2021 21:21

@Orangeandblueball Sorry it came across that way- it wasn't meant to sound at all competitive, just explaining that we all react very differently to come upsetting things.

She wanted him to do what she wanted to support her but by the same token his view might be that supporting him means allowing him to go to work and get on because that's how he manages.

They should discuss it with each other - telling us isn't helping sort it out between her and him.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 09/12/2021 21:22

Your post is oddly competitive

What a horrible thing to say to someone sharing their experience.

Roselilly36 · 09/12/2021 21:22

I am so sorry . What a traumatic time for you all.

My DH is abit like you described, buries his feelings, and hides in his work. Very sadly his lovely mum died recently, he didn’t tell anyone, kept it private, staff who work for him have no idea what the last few months have been like, he didn’t take any time off. He has cried many times and is very sensitive although most people do not see that side of him.

We all just handle grief differently, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

Riverlee · 09/12/2021 21:22

@HeyFloof. Sorry for your losses

Skyll · 09/12/2021 21:29

I am sorry for your loss.

Grieving is different for everyone. Everyone copes differently.

Also. Was the baby on your side of the family? That might make you more upset than if it was his side of the family. He might not feel as close to it as you do.

godmum56 · 09/12/2021 21:29

We do all react differently to trauma and loss. Can I urge you not to take your grief anger out on your husband, it won't help.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/12/2021 21:34

I'm really sorry for your loss, and for the tough time all your family are going through.

However, could it be that your husbands way of expressing his love for you and your kids is to make sure he can hold onto his job? And that he is genuinely anxious about it, whether that seems rational to you or not? - I do notice you refer to it as a 'stupid job' - I know you are frustrated with him right now and you don't literally mean that, but jobs are often hard to come by right now, and you may be minimising that in your grief (which would be understandable.)

Also, you can't make your husband feel like you about this. He probably feels very sorry for you and your family, but he may not feel much himself or feel that he wants to take time out of earning money for what he perceives as no logical reason.

When you feel a bit better it might be worth having a calm chat with him about it, so you can understand each other's points of view a bit more.

stripykisses · 09/12/2021 21:38

I am so so sorry. Praying.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 09/12/2021 21:39

So sorry for your loss. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect your husband to show his grief in the way you expect. Maybe his working is his way of dealing with the situation. Also if he’s knew it may not be possible for him to take the day off. Is he the only one in your family working. I wonder whether that might make him feel under pressure.

I’ve attended two childrens funeral and many mourners went back to work afterwards.

Have you been able to speak to him and explain how you feel. I hope you can feel some peace in the weeks and months to come.

honeylulu · 09/12/2021 21:41

A lot of men are actually useless with emotional support because they can't see what needs "doing" or for how long etc. My husband is rubbish at it and I've given up expecting it. If i said I wanted some tangible, practical support like him cooking or collecting children he'd leap to do it though. I'm not much of a crier but in the very odd occasion I have been obviously upset he sort of freezes with terror.

Our middle child was stillborn late in the second trimester (we had known for a few days that was going to happen). I had a long stop and start labour and he did come and visit but I was content for him to go home again because it was better than him sitting around sighing and not knowing what to say. On the day of the funeral we went to the service, came home, had a glass of wine and then he went to an appointment with his financial adviser. Having a mope on my own was what I felt like doing. If he'd hung around I expect I world have started to be annoyed at his uselessness.

By very sad coincidence the financial adviser and his wife had a stillborn baby a couple of years later. The next time he came to our house and we expressed our condolences and he burst into tears and told us all about it. (He's Italian which may be relevant.) I did the consoling while H busied himself making coffee and biscuits (with a frozen in terror face). People are different!

In the early years I did feel aggrieved that H wasn't much of a comforter but I've learnt not to expect it and manage in my own way. More recently I've wondered what I'd actually wanted from him and to be honest I'm not sure I could explain.

MissCreeAnt · 09/12/2021 21:41

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My DH has badly judged something similar but that was all it was, a misjudgement. I was absolutely livid with him afterwards. Within 24h we'd both processed it, he made a very heartfelt apology and that was that.

Don't make the mistake of assuming he will have given as much logical thought, analysis and insight to it as a load of strangers on the internet can. Maybe he just didn't anticipate what an impact it would have on you. Even the best intentioned can make mistakes.

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