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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you take this as someone trying to tell you something ?

94 replies

gagababy · 09/12/2021 17:46

This is a random one. Just for fun, more or less.

Not a huge problem in my life. But I've noticed that my mother in law always tells me she's ' cooked without oil ' and very ' little salt '.

Whenever she makes something and serves it, she always mentions this.

I personally don't ever mention that kind of thing when I cook for people. I don't particularly cook with lots of oil and salt, by any means. But I do use oil and salt when I cook and I'm starting to get paranoid her constant reminders of this, are some sort of dig ?

She also doesn't use stock cubes in her soups, I always do. She always mentions that she's not used stock cubes and no oil in her soup. She knows I use them.

She mentions it every time we eat together or she has cooked something.

Would you just take it at face value? She likes to remind everyone how healthy her cooking is ? Or is it more of a brag ? Or is it an actual dig and a way to tell me on the sly she thinks my cooking is unhealthy ?

She's the kind of person who repeats things a lot in general, until you do what she thinks is right. She also thinks how she does things is always best and tries to get her children to emulate her. She is very set in her ways and completely resistant to change or anything different/ new. She kind of sneers at people who try to do things different. She thinks she's quite superior and better than people. Her way, is the best way.

Again, not a huge problem in my life. Just interested what the general consensus is on this.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 10/12/2021 14:09

@ChangeChingyChange

I dont know but she sounds bloody annoying. Is she one of those who still picks her pension up from the post office? Has never heard of a direct debit or a smart phone? Can't bear people who don't change with the times then moan.
Did you post on the correct thread? Confused
princessbananahammock252 · 10/12/2021 14:16

SIL is that you?!

My MIL is exactly the same, word for word. And I now realise she is indirectly saying I cook with too much oil or salt or cheese or whatever! Although, she's never there when I'm cooking so it's all based on presumption. I once made spinach and ricotta cannelloni, whilst temporarily staying with them. Knowing she frowns upon cheese consumption in general, I told her this is what I was making, that it would have cheese, and that I could also make something more suitable for her; "no no it's fine, I'll eat it". Come dinner time, she throws on multiple layers of black pepper (really weird!), then starts coughing like crazy, has to leave the dining table, comes back and says "I think it's cos it's a lot of cheese." After that moment I stopped caring about her comments because it doesn't matter what I do, it'll never be the way she does it, therefore never the correct way.

gagababy · 10/12/2021 14:17

@Anordinarymum

I am a mum and a grandmother. My family are here all the time in and out of my house and they all cook here too. I would never dream of saying a thing to any of them, I mean, why would I? I actually want their company ! Some women just do not get it. The jealousy when a son has a relationship baffles me. I wonder if some women feel they are being replaced when their son gets married?? It's almost like a mental illness. Rise above it OP. Ignore or just tell her 'well done you' when she harps on about salt or oil.

And SMILE

I'm the same. I literally try to say only complimentary things to my MIL and SIL. I want them to feel good in my company.

I NEVER get any nice comments back. Only this snarky BS that leaves you wondering if you're mad or if it's actually a snarky remark. Just a load of mind games.

Or perhaps they don't even know they are doing it. In their minds they're trying to ' teach you '. As they feel you are so far below them as a human, that they still need to teach you at the ripe old age of nearly 40 years old.

I'm not beyond taking advice and asking for it, by the way. I think the minute you think you have nothing left to learn and are resistant to change, you stop progressing. I'm massively into self improvement etc too. But don't do it on the sly and try to make me feel crazy.

OP posts:
gagababy · 10/12/2021 14:21

@princessbananahammock252

SIL is that you?!

My MIL is exactly the same, word for word. And I now realise she is indirectly saying I cook with too much oil or salt or cheese or whatever! Although, she's never there when I'm cooking so it's all based on presumption. I once made spinach and ricotta cannelloni, whilst temporarily staying with them. Knowing she frowns upon cheese consumption in general, I told her this is what I was making, that it would have cheese, and that I could also make something more suitable for her; "no no it's fine, I'll eat it". Come dinner time, she throws on multiple layers of black pepper (really weird!), then starts coughing like crazy, has to leave the dining table, comes back and says "I think it's cos it's a lot of cheese." After that moment I stopped caring about her comments because it doesn't matter what I do, it'll never be the way she does it, therefore never the correct way.

Haha. You are the second person who's said that on this thread. I am unfortunately the lone sister in law in this scenario. I have all my in laws focus on me, as there is no other sister in law at this point.

Apart from DH's sister. But my MIL, is not MIL to anyone else right now.

I can't wait for the day. Although who knows, maybe the new SIL will be super thin and perfect all the time and will take on all the advice and won't ever use any salt etc. That's probably how it will be and I'll be resigned to bitterness for eternity.

Interesting choice of cuisine you mention there in your post. Is that just a coincidence, or is that the sort of cuisine that's generally enjoyed in your households ?

OP posts:
princessbananahammock252 · 10/12/2021 14:26

@gagababy Or your future SIL could become a lovely accomplice in all of your MIL madness and you can roll your eyes at each other in secret. My SIL is lovely. We have the same sort of patience (or lack of) for the nonsense our MIL brings to the table, but we also bring the other down back to earth if we feel the other is overreacting too. MIL has her moments but we realise (after much time) that she means well, even if she has a funny way of showing it.

Well we are vegetarian. And I was what I would call a little more adventurous with my cooking pre-kids. Now of course, my 4 year old wouldn't dream of eating spinach, so we are definitely less interesting in the cooking area! Confused

gagababy · 10/12/2021 14:29

[quote princessbananahammock252]@gagababy Or your future SIL could become a lovely accomplice in all of your MIL madness and you can roll your eyes at each other in secret. My SIL is lovely. We have the same sort of patience (or lack of) for the nonsense our MIL brings to the table, but we also bring the other down back to earth if we feel the other is overreacting too. MIL has her moments but we realise (after much time) that she means well, even if she has a funny way of showing it.

Well we are vegetarian. And I was what I would call a little more adventurous with my cooking pre-kids. Now of course, my 4 year old wouldn't dream of eating spinach, so we are definitely less interesting in the cooking area! Confused[/quote]
Yes it would be ideal and it sounds great what you have with your SIL.

You do need someone to talk you back down sometimes. As sometimes it all builds up and you can't see the wood for the trees and will react to even the slightest comment.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 10/12/2021 14:31

@gagababy

It sounds like most people think it's a dig..
I would think that's because MN has a high percentage of dysfunctional DIL/MIL relationships!

I would think it is something that is simply in her mind. Personally I wouldn't think about it and just nod along.
Or you could ask her straight out if what you've in too salty for her taste and see what she says.

lololololollll · 10/12/2021 14:32

Her food sounds shit

lololololollll · 10/12/2021 14:32

@AlphabetAerobics

I’d be tempted to fight PA with PA

pats wrist

“Never mind, I’m sure it’ll be lovely anyway”.

The best!!
BobbieT1999 · 10/12/2021 14:35

I would deliberately misunderstand; next time you cook for her let her know that you've added a little extra seasoning just for her because you know she likes the flavour and you chose specific X expensive oil because its good for her poor joints.

Justkeepleft · 10/12/2021 14:38

Every family has their own flavours.
All the kids live MIL cooking, which is great. I am glad they will have that association later. But she uses a particular seasoning for everything and if it is not in food she doesn't enjoy it so much.

She really only likes what she cooks, if she comes here I DH cooks usually with her guidance ( like watching a teenager learing to cook for the fist time despite him cooking often). I just let it go knowing what she does is best and healthiest even when it isn't

StaplesCorner · 10/12/2021 14:43

@AlphabetAerobics

I’d be tempted to fight PA with PA

pats wrist

“Never mind, I’m sure it’ll be lovely anyway”.

@AlphabetAerobics has solved this dilemma very early on in the thread!
ponkydonkey · 10/12/2021 14:57

@grooveonthemove

How old is she? My mother is nearly 80 and still subscribes to the 1980s mantra of 'all fat is bad'. When I go to her house and offer to cook (which she gladly accepts) there's not a drop of olive oil to be found. It's literally like the ghost of Rosemary Conley lives there Shock
Haha ha that really made laugh My mum is the same 🤣🤣
Dixiechickonhols · 10/12/2021 15:02

It’s an odd thing to keep repeating if you haven’t got any issues or dietary requirements. If you have a baby or toddler it would make sense re salt eg reassuring you fine for baby to eat.

WouldBeGood · 10/12/2021 15:11

Her soup sounds rank.

Definitely a dig, unless she thinks you’re a health freak..?

KohlaParasaurus · 10/12/2021 15:59

Until you mentioned the baby I wondered if you were my son in law. Because I'm in my fifties and he and my daughter have just visited and they use gallons of oil and all the seasonings when they cook Xmas Grin But I don't talk about what is or isn't in a dish I've cooked unless someone asks.

My mother used to do this all the time. It wasn't a dig at anyone, it was her way of assuring me and convincing herself that she was following healthy eating advice to manage her own weight and blood pressure, as if she thought I might be thinking, "Should you really be eating that?"

MilduraS · 10/12/2021 16:13

I'd buy her a copy of Sat Fat Acid Heat. It stresses the importance of all four in making food with flavour 🤣

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/12/2021 17:03

Every time I've responded, I'm told I take everything the wrong way.

Ok, so these comments are to bait you into responding so she can then tell you you're wrong. So. This is what you do. You do not give her that reaction. You can either

  • not say anything, ever. Behave like you simply didn't hear what she'd said. You tuned out.
Or
  • behave every time as if it's the first time she's said it, look slightly surprised, and go 'oh, really! I didn't know you did that'. Do that every time, and that negates it as a dig and also may rile her in a satisfying way once you've repeated it a few times. She can hardly say 'you should know, I've told you over and over again'.

With people like this, they want a reaction. The way to win is to deny them that.

gagababy · 10/12/2021 17:07

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Every time I've responded, I'm told I take everything the wrong way.

Ok, so these comments are to bait you into responding so she can then tell you you're wrong. So. This is what you do. You do not give her that reaction. You can either

  • not say anything, ever. Behave like you simply didn't hear what she'd said. You tuned out.
Or
  • behave every time as if it's the first time she's said it, look slightly surprised, and go 'oh, really! I didn't know you did that'. Do that every time, and that negates it as a dig and also may rile her in a satisfying way once you've repeated it a few times. She can hardly say 'you should know, I've told you over and over again'.

With people like this, they want a reaction. The way to win is to deny them that.

Loving option 2. I may use that in general, when things get repeated over and over again.

It will get so annoying to her after a while, when she realises ! Not sure how long it will take for her to realise though. Maybe 50 times, but I'll do it.

' oh wow ! Really. That's amazing ! You're so healthy ! I'm impressed '

OP posts:
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